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Something we seem to have in common
May 23, 2007
1:26 pm
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itsmynick
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hey all 🙂

does this seem 'normal' with us?

during one of u're 'bumps' with u're partner.. u know, where u decide yet again that u're gonna end it once and for all with him/her.. but only this time, its for good, right?..

but, then, he/she tells u that u're the best thing that ever happened to him/her.. that he/she wants to spend the rest of u're lives together.. that u're the best person he's/she's ever known..

then we cave.. we're back together.. in bliss..everything goes great once again.. u feel 'great!', u smile when u think of something that happened between u.. u cant help but think of him/her throughout the day..

what can possibly go wrong?

1. he/she starts drinking/using again

CRASH!

u think, 'what the heck happened?' 'how could he/she do this to us again?', 'everything was going so well!'..'i don't get it..'

what do u do?

1.start all over again? threaten, pack, sob?

or

i think it all depends on the severity of the situation..if its not major, then i think we can

2. learn to accept it..pray, embrace him/her and this bump shall pass..

thoughts? 🙂

May 23, 2007
1:36 pm
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StronginHim77
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This is part of trying to have a relationship with an addict. It never gets better. EVER. I hope you keep posting on these threads. Read some of the other postings. They will help you to understand better what you are up against and strengthen you to make good choices for yourself.

- Ma Strong

May 23, 2007
1:51 pm
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itsmynick
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wow ma.. u kinda seem negative to me.. but, honest. Thanks! 🙂

May 23, 2007
2:01 pm
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AQueen
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I left my ex who is an addict in March 07. He kept messing up because he had called my bluff so many friggin times he knew I wouldn't kick him out if he messed up again. As long as it wasn't daily use he felt that I would bitch and moan but ultimately he would be allowed to stay. Well he thought wrong. I finally had enough and one day after being clean for a few months he brought drugs into my house and I caught him and kicked him out. I got a protective order and moved to a undisclosed location. I entered the address confidentiality program and basically went into hiding. How's that for done??? I still talk to his Mom because we're close and she likes to see her grandson so I bring him to visit her weekly. She says he's STILL saying the same old thing--he loves me and wants to get clean but he needs my help. BULLSHIT. I tried to help him for years and all I ended up doing was enabling him. I didn't help him with his problems, no--I took over his problems and made them my own. I made all the phone calls, filled out all paperwork, got him in treatment, got him in counseling, did this and that and the other--NOTHING WORKED. Why? He is not ready to stop using. He says he is and begs for another chance but he always messes up because he wanted it both ways. He wants his family and his dope. We have a 6 month old son together and I wasn't going to raise my son in that kind of environment. No way!

I'm a recovering addict myself. I got myself into treatment. I reached out for help and took any help offered to me. I stopped talking to all the people I used drugs with. I stopped taking phone calls from people that used. I didn't hang out anymore. I stayed home and went to school. I only associated with sober friends that had been sober for many many many years. I stopped engaging in activities that were slippery for me, slippery meaning places or things that make it easy to slip up. I attend counseling and support groups. I hit rock bottom. I truely had a desire to quit and I still have that same desire today. When I think of drugs I get a horrible feeling in my stomach because I associate drugs with so much physical and mental pain and just plain suffering. I had to do it on my own. I had to fall on my ass in order to get it together. When family and friends enabled me by trying to "help" me I just kept on using. Why stop when I had a place to live, food to eat, money to burn, car to drive??? I had to lose it all in order to really want to stop. My life is soooooooo different today. I love life. I love being sober.I have a great relationship with my parents especially my Mom. I'm so thanful I got a second chance. People trust me now! I live I life that I am proud of. If your addict really wants to get clean he'll do alone on his own with nobody holding his hand. If you keep letting him live with you and you keep taking him back he'll keep using and doing what he's doing because nothing has changed. He's called your bluff and knows you're full of it. If you keep standing there blocking the blows his addiction keeps throwing at him he'll never recover. I had to feel the pain of my addiction. Most of the addicts I know that are truely movtivated to stop using have lost things dear to them. Nobody stops when life is going good. Why? It's when the consequences of your actions catch up to you, that's when you start thinking . I know what it's like to be an addict and I know what it's like to be the loved one of an addict. It's hard to kick someone out. I had to kick my ex out knowing that he would be sleeping on the street. His family wouldn't take him in. He had no real friends. At first I cried and felt bad then I started to think that he must want to live on the street because he chose to continue to use despite me telling him that if he used again he would be out on the street. He is in drug treatment, outpatient. He's been in drug treatment for a year. It's helped him get off heroin but not the crack. I got him approved for one year of free mental health services, he showed up twice. The drugs are that important to him right now. Now I wouldn't want to be with him even if he was clean. I just don't respect him anymore. I've changed. I'm not the same girl I was 5 year ago. That's my story hope you got something out of it.
AQueen

May 23, 2007
2:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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since this is a support board and many of us are here because our relationships with our addicts continue to fail time after time....our responses WILL lean toward the negative side.

Because the people who are happy with their addicts don't come looking for support.

If that makes any sense.

I think that many of us here just have not had success with being with an addict...al-anon, coda, acoa....those rooms are all full of people struggling to succeed with their addict...or gain strength to leave.

Walking into a coda room and asking someone to date an alcoholic is like walking into AA and asking someone to have a beer.

codep. is an adddiction...and usually does not get better until you remove the addiction....just like an alcoholic.

so yeah, it would be easy to say the easy answer is just learn to accept what you got and enjoy it...and deal with the bumps...but WHY would you want to?

addicts bring bumps in the road to the relationship that normal relationships don't have to endure.

bumps DO happen...but they seem to be more frequent and regular with an addict.

WHY would you want that kind of chaos and such?

If you want it and can live with it, ok....then learn to accept it.

But the people who get upset with the bumps...who seek getting out...are the ones that say "I don't want to deal with the bumps...I deserve better".

With addicts, the relationship ALWAYS comes second...and if you can live with being second to the addiction, ok...but personally, I know I deserve better.

May 23, 2007
4:16 pm
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atalose
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Addiction is a progressive disease it only gets worse. Learning to accept that is very difficult. Those bumps in the road his active addiction to clean seems to be his pattern.
And your pattern is becoming taking him back and now it’s in accepting his active drug life style. If you can put up with that more power to you, most can’t because they know where today’s active addiction is going to lead to tomorrow. Money issues, police issues, jail issues, medical issues, etc. etc. It’s a life style not many pick or accept because Rising is right, their addiction always comes first and you’ll always be second.

What’s the longest he’s been clean?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 23, 2007
4:28 pm
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loverbee
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My god, I am so glad that my ex isn't an addict. We were addicted to eachother which is why we broke up. Then when he said that he wanted to get back together, I was very proud that I did something very ballsy. I said to him,,,"no you don't. if we get back together our relationship still won't be healthy because we still need time to work on us as individuals not as a couple. We can't be a healthy couple until we are healthy individuals. That is going to take some time. It was then that I decided I was strong and that it would be wonderful if we were still best friends the way that we always have been for the last nine years. I do have a completely unhealthy relationship with my mother though. Its never going to get healthy because I have a guilt complex and she is a tried and true alcoholic and has no desire not to be. so that will have to work itself out eventually,

May 23, 2007
4:40 pm
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itsmynick
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thanks all.. 🙂

he stopped drinking for a year shortly after we first got together..

i can think of maybe 5 times i suspected he had been drinking over the past year..

he led me to believe that he wasn't drinking, but he was lying about it..

he says he doesn't have a problem, and doesn't want to lie about it anymore..

i'm still 50/50 on whether or not we can make this work.. (just gonna take this 1 day at a time)..

we decided that he would have his 'few drinks now and again' and i wasn't going to make any promises on whether or not i would be able to take it..but only on the premise that he do it 'RESPONSIBLY'..

since we've been together he has a better job, makes more money, a better career, has a new vehicle, is paying off his debts and has goals..

this past weekend i said, okay, lets have a few drinks then.. we picked up a 4 pack of coolers, i really didn't want to get anymore for fear that he would go 'all out'..

throughout the night, i drank 1.5 and ended up dumping the rest of mine..

he drank both of his.. but it lasted him thru the night..

i gues u could say he passed that test.. 🙂

so.. we'll see... todays another good day.. 😀

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