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Something good might be happening--- Fire
April 3, 2010
2:06 pm
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through_the_fire
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After all this time of NC with my mom, and even with her sister trying to make me answer to why, and someone I thought who was a friend messing around and getting "pissed" for something 12 years ago, and on and on. Something is happening within me.

I'm realizing that even though I've left so many abusive people behind, created a life for myself, I can still behave like that girl who had to tip toe or apologize or accommodate. Now you wouldn't know from what I've done: organizing my apt. building against a crappy slum lord, being a leader at my union at work etc etc. But I think us co-deps can lead the charge when protecting others.

It's the salesperson who mocks and laughs when I entered the wrong pin number that made me think something has changed within me. The old Fire might have apologized, called what I'd done stupid, whatever. I might have said something about my eyesight (I'm blind in one eye, and not great sight in the other). But no, I didn't smile, joke, feel embarrassed--- and believe me, people in NY can be impatient as hell. I had a real face-- impassive, maybe even serious, and I didn't hurry in nervousness or be anything but, I will do this and I don't need any BS while I'm doing it. The flouncing mocking tone, the rolling eyes stopped. I'm not saying someone rude will stop being rude if I am comfortable in my own skin--- but at least they know--- oh I can't mess around with this one TOO much.

Something is happening and my consciousness is being raised. I want to gently usher that girl who was hurt and so used to being hurt out, and welcome the woman, the person, for better or worse, who is really me.

Do you all know what I mean? I bet you do.

Fire

April 3, 2010
2:36 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Congradulations Fire, this is a great post and I'm so glad to hear that you are seeing such great progress in your journey. This is definately a huge milestone and something to be very proud of. High Five Fire.

April 3, 2010
4:50 pm
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through_the_fire
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Thanks so much, Chelonia!

I know that every day will have more than one opportunity to practice this new awareness. I won't get it "right" all the time, but I have the light on!

I realize pretty matter-of-factly that many people push buttons and vie for power almost constantly. It's not that I don't think I'm one of them, but my "power" most often has been to control by accommodating, pleasing, getting overly involved. And I want to break this cycle, at least from my side.

I don't need to be that way. Nor do I even have to put a huge amount of push-back defensive energy into countering power plays. It's just part of life, and it doesn't mean people are horrible--- but, most should be treated with caution until trusted (in a non-co-dependent way).

Fire

April 3, 2010
10:41 pm
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StronginHim77
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Someone is having a BIG breakthrough. Thanks for sharing it with us. Loved it!!!

- Ma

April 4, 2010
10:40 am
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through_the_fire
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Oh, Ma, thank you!

I tell you, you know I wouldn't be on this road, if I didn't get the support to have NC with my mother. Your words, your encouragement, along with so many others here, were what I needed. I will never forget that.

I couldn't imagine how sticking to no contact could cause so many changes in how I feel and behave. Some of these changes in me have caused a"friend" I thought I had to not be interested in me so much any more. All because I gently, but firmly expressed that I didn't want to engage on something.

So I can see how real, deep change in consciousness can be scary in its consequences, particularly for a co-dependent who wants to avoid disapproval or abandonment at all cost.

But I don't feel that now.

What does it mean to get a person back, to prevent him/her from abandoning me if I give up what I really need or feel? This isn't stubbornness or another power play, but my life, my integrity, my spiritual well being. Nothing is worth forfeiting that for. And I've never felt more certain of that within myself, and not just in words.

Thanks so much for your guidance and support.

Fire

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