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Someone please help! Am I codependant?
November 28, 2003
11:45 pm
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whyme85
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Hello everyone! I am new here and I have never posted.

I was talking to a best friend of mine tonight about our relationships with our boyfriends and how we both know we should get out of them but it's like we just can't. Like there is something holding us back and not allowing us to break free.

My boyfriend I have been with eachother for 3 years, high school sweethearts, first person we were ever intimate with etc. I was abused as a child twice physically and all throughout my life mentally and now I am in a relationship where violence is a factor. It's doesn't get carried away like where my life is threatened but it's not exactly okay to punch your girlfriend or slap her on the face or call her a b**** or a w**** or a s***. There are times when are relationship is okay...where we are loving and stuff but then there are times where we just argue and dont get along. Sometimes he goes back and forth one day wanting to be with me and one day not wanting to be with me and it kills me. We have probably broken up 15 times in our 3 year long relationship but we always end up back together. I just can't leave him or stay away no matter how hard I try. I just don't want to give up, I want to believe that he will change or he will stop treating me like this. He has only gotten violent with me maybe 3 or 4 times so I dont want to make it sound like it is a constant thing but it's mainly that I give everything i have to him, i do all these nice things for him and in return i get nothing. I am tierd of giving my all and getting nothing. But I just can't get away.

My friend also has similar problems. Her boyfriend is VERY VERY VERY verbally abusive and says VERY mean things to her. They have no trust whatsoever and are constantly calling eachother making sure they arent with someone of the opposite sex and all of this. But she loves him and thinks he will change just like I do but she wants to get away but she just cant...just like me. I was talking to her tonight and had remembered someone talking about co-dependency and wondered if we followed in this category. We would really both like to get some help for this and be taken seriously because we want to break away and be able to find guys who will treat us with the love and respect we need and deserve. Would we get help from CoDa meetings or do we not fall into that category?

Will someone help me and let me know? Thanks so much. It would mean the world to me!

November 28, 2003
11:58 pm
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whyme85
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anyone around? it seems like there are a lot of caring people here.

November 29, 2003
1:09 am
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Anam Cara
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Whyme85

Sounds to me you are - not that I am a professional on this - other than a fellow hurting person having tried and given it - my best shot over a period of 15 years. Many others, far more qualified will speak with you here.

I am now free but it has been a painful journey - but the way ahead is now clear.

What I feel is important is that you actually know the answer to your problem - but you will go on hurting yourself and getting hurt in bold attempts to overcome his bad behaviour.

Guys disrespect women who take a punch and get right back up for more. He knows it is wrong to be like this.

You and your girl friend deserve much more from a loving relationship - you continue to kid yourself that you have one. That's how it has been for me.

Take off your coloured glasses before you get any further into this prolonged subtle abuse - cloaked in love.

Anam.

November 29, 2003
1:53 am
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vegas
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dear whyme85,

okay, let me ask you...does your man or your girlfriend's man love either of you? I ask cuz, well, maybe you guys should get into couples counselling...see how that goes.

Another question...what do you and bestfri. ultimately want from these relationships? Do you two want to marry these guys? Some ques. I think you might want to consider...

Now, I have a BIG problem with the abuse thing in both of your relationships. Be it occassional or every so often...it doesn't matter. A man who puts his hands on a woman got issues. DO NOT TOLERATE THIS BEHAVIOR from him!!!! If they love you two, they wouldn't hit you or badmouth your friend. People can disagree and argue in acivilized manner. Plus, you don't want to be with someone whose definition of love accepts abusing his partner. You esp. don't want to stay in a relationship where the possibility of calling in the cops exists...you guys seem young (I'm assuming 85 is the year you guys were born). Battery and assault on a record isn't good...and court is such a hassle. Don't risk ruining either of your lives...cuz in some states, dom viol isn't always automatically the males' fault. If the female in any instigated the problem...both partners are hauled to jail.

Living in fear is NOT the way to live. Behaving certain ways trying to control your boyfriend's behavior isn't living neither. Your boyfriends will change when THEY want to change, whether you love them with all your heart or not. They might change. I mean, I don't know them...but, from what I've learned from my own experience...change yourself. That's the only individual you can change. Help yourself first. You can't help those who don't want to be helped...or don't recognize they need help.

I think you two already know what you both need to do. You just need to find the strength to do it. Support one another in this time. You'll find a lot of insight here too.

take care! And be strong. Remember!!! Do not take that shit from you boyfriends. You two are way to precious to be dealing with that kind of crap...there are tons of guys out there who would love to be with you and would NEVER think of hurting you in any way.

vegas

November 29, 2003
3:58 am
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laxmi
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its very important that you look at the issue of being abused .you must first heal that within yourself,either through therapy or groupwork.that can take quiet a long time,but give you opportunity to heal.
being abused you choose unconciously always the same character of man,to confront Your Self with the old experience you made,to sove it,to heal.You continue this pattern so long,until you be able to change,and dont allow yourself anymore to be hurt. and will choose different typ of man.
The person you are with right now,seems not really loving you,never ever allow someone to be violent on you.He lost respect already,went over the border...and always will again.
This isnt love!!!!have a real look.
Try to heal the past in you,your childhood,as there within are to find the reasons for your problems of today.
if you dont work on that you will always choose according to the past ,.
i feel sorry for that what you had to go through as a child,i had similar experience as a child,and still have to find ways to heal.So be strong,and go for professional help.

November 29, 2003
2:36 pm
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whyme85
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Thank you all so much for your help. It has helped me more than you can imagine and I will pass these words onto my friend as well which I am sure will make her feel 100 times better too. Yea last night was rough. He didnt get home til 4 am. He was out with the guys partying and stuff. I hate it. I am so not the kind of person to party and lose control and all of that. Thats not my idea of fun. Don't get me wrong I have had my drunken moments but they are very very rare esp for a college student.

Today I confronted him and told him I felt really lonely and neglected and that if he didnt start treating me the way I wanted to be treated I was going to leave. Who knows if he believes it but we will see. Its our 3 year anniversary today and he forgot. No surprise there. I had to remind him. 🙁 We'll see what happens but I totally feel that I do need help and maybe my friend and I can get it together. I just didnt know where to go for help and i really would love to be in some kind of support group for this so I could be around others who know.

But to answer everyones questions...
I did want to marry him...i guess I DO but I know its not likely because in reality I would never want to be with someone like him for the rest of my life when he acts like this! I doubt they are willing to go to couples counseling...its sad and i guess its a reality check for me but he probably feels like its not worth it to go to couples counseling. I would go just to see what they would say but I know being that we are young he would think it was crazy and that couples counseling was for married people. 🙁 And I guess the main thing we want from them is love and acceptance...we want them to change but its highly unlikely they will just morph into these amazing guys! 🙁

Thanks everyone for your help so far and please keep the help coming!
Love Always
WHYME

November 29, 2003
2:51 pm
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laxmi
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You can change the situation only by changing Your Self.
Reality is hard,but nobody is on earth to serve your needs,everybody has to learn to take responsibilty for him/her Self.Thats super hard but a fact,and we can fight long against it but it will always be true.So as soon you can accept that you are in charge of your life and take all the strenght you have to change it.Even when it means that you have to leave the life you live now,it needs courage to stand up for oneself but you never know,there might be already someone waiting who takes you by the hand and freely gives you that what you were asking for.,and deserve in its first place:Love

November 29, 2003
3:26 pm
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Anam Cara
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Laxmi

Your words were very well timed - I am feeling the responsibility for myself having got used to giving and maintaining another's life over many years.

My life has been on hold for a very long time - had lunch out with my wife today - I found that returning home living with myself again - bore down very hard.

Self responsibility for some of us can be hard - today was a bad day.

Your glimmer of hope for the future was also helpful.

Thank you. Anam.

November 29, 2003
5:30 pm
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laxmi
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Anam
Are you still married and live together,or did you mean that you are seperated but went for lunch...Yes self responsibility is a hard one,i struggle every day more or less with it.To long i just thought that i live my life while i give all my energie to my family.Thats over since being seperated and it feels like hell.Suddenly i dont know anymore the meaning of life.
also my day wasnt that great,although sun was shining(that always makes me happy),but you know i try to say to myself:...also this will pass....

November 29, 2003
7:29 pm
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Anam Cara
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laxmi

Oh separated going on divorced .

I thought - by the way you expressed your views on your first reply that you had already conquered the single life. I too struggle daily.

When I meet up again with her - I find it hell when I return home to the house in which we built our life together - as long as I live I could never call this home - my home.

I shall shortly be moving away from the district to start a new life in a home of my making - she is in all the shadows of this place.

I am excited and at the same time scared of the changes - life is leading me towards a new horizon - just treading water here - it dulls my senses.

I do not retire to bed until I just cannot stay awake - I have found some wonderful friends to communicate on these threads - they have kept me going over many months now.

Relationships cannot be just plucked off the tree - I hope to find the one that is meant for me - hope I recognise her among the millions on this planet.

I love people - but freak out at my own company. This has bothered me all my life it seems.

Hope to master it though!

Anam

November 29, 2003
8:51 pm
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whyme85
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Well I told u guys how I confronted him today about the way he was making me feel. He called me later and talked to me as if everything was okay and that he understood. He said he was going go come over later and we would go see a movie and hang out together. I was sooo happy! Maybe he really was getting it? Well later he calls me and says he doesnt feel like driving all the way to my house (I live about 25 min away) and cancels the plans. So I straight up told him fine if you are not going to come over today I really dont want to talk to you. I am so tierd of this! and I hung up. So he called me and called me and called me and I didnt answer. Then I fell asleep and answered the phone not realizing it could be him so he asked me why I was ignoring his phone calls and I told him I didnt want to talk to him and he was like do you think we should be together? and I was like ya know i am not sure..not really...and he has like let's just be done then and I said
"GOOD YOU ARE A WASTE OF MY TIME ANYWAY" and hung up. I haven't cried so far at all but who knows. He called me again and wanted to "be sure on what we were doing" and I told him LOOK if you arent coming over here to spend time with me on our 3 year anniversary then its done! So he was like okay yea i am not coming over and he started asking all these questions about what I was doing and all this and where i was going tonight...ridiculous! Anyway so thats the deal. Just thought I would give u all that to chew on!
Love
Whyme

November 30, 2003
1:37 am
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vegas
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wow...on your third year anniversary, huh? What a coincidence...my ex and I...well, I walked out on the bastard on our third year anni too.

Anyway, I want you to take a look at how he's acting and how you're acting. What a turd for not driving out 25 minutes to spend time with you, esp on your anniv. So, why didn't he want to come out? Don't tell me it was cuz he was hung over, or there was no money to go buy gas. And from the things he said, it seems as if he doesn't really care...or he's putting an act to see how you'll respond.
As for stepping back and looking at yourself...it seems to me that you've lost the will to even hope there's a chance anymore for the relationship. You've been holding on so long, like holding on to the edge of a cliff...and now your arms are giving out. sigh. I can only look upon the things you tell us, and the things that I've been through...whyme, sweetie, you can do better than this joker! strike one: He's slapped and punched you. strike two: He's insulted you with disrespectful names. strike three: This boozin', dirty mouth, woman beater won't even travel 25 minutes to be with his girl on their 3rd anniversary, but he'll party until 4am out who knows where with his friends. I don't know...what do you think? I think that these behaviors are only going to continue. Like I said before, he won't change until he wants to. And why would he change now? Cuz you've told him to? You gave him an ultimatum and that didn't do anything to faze him. I think you may want to consider long and hard the benefits of leaving homeboy in the dust. Who knows...maybe you leaving (seriously leaving...not the kind where after a week you go back) will be an impetus of he seeing his wrong ways...and maybe he can do you right after he straightens himself out.

sigh...I know it's tough, whyme, esp. when you love this guy. There are plenty of us here with our own stories. But, I know you know what's best for you. In your first post you wrote: "I was talking to a best friend of mine tonight about our relationships with our boyfriends and how ***we both know we should get out of them*** but it's like we just can't. Like there is something holding us back and not allowing us to break free." There ain't nothin' holding you in the relationship except yourself. I know it's hard...it's scary...and it will hurt like no other. But, we all make our own choices...what will your's be?

I'm here for you...don't think I'm being harsh, please. I just want you to see reality...cuz I was blind to it myself in my situation. No matter what you choose to do, I want you to do what's right for yourself...and I'll support you however way I can.

always, vegas

November 30, 2003
2:00 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Whyme85!!! I'm glad you came to this site. It's been very helpful to me and will be to you and your friend also.

First,,,he sounds like a real dream,,,uh,,,I mean nightmare. He has physically and emotionally abused you. Just 3 or 4 times you say. How many times will it take? It will not change These guys think there is nothing wrong with them. Believe it, it's true. You have a whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to sacrifice yourself trying to make this louse happy? It will only get worse, not better. Please remember that. I've only been hit and slapped a few times too, but each time it destroyed me, humiliated me, made me feel well, worthless and very very hurt I suspect it makes you feel that way too.

You have said that it is over. He has called to make sure it's over, yet kept calling "to see what you were doing." If you are over, it's none of his business what you're doing. Tell him so and tell him not to call you anymore because you're done with him and him being an asshole. Because that's exactly what he is.

Don't settle for this man. You don't have to get into a lifetime pattern with him and if you keep on with him, that is exactly what will happen. I assume you've read other posts on this site because you stated that there seemed to be a lot of caring people here. Yes, you're right. Everyone on this site cares very much for each other, will tell you exactly what they think. But it's up to you. What do YOU want. Not what might be or could be or should be. You know right now in your heart that you're not happy with this man and his mistreatment of you.

Most everyone on this site has been exactly where you are right now. Listen to them; they know what they're talking about. You and your friend should not believe that it might be different for the two of you. It won't be.

You can't do one single thing to change this man. Not one. Give it up right now, get some counseling if possible because it willl help. You two find other things to do and do them without these guys. Try not to dwell on them. Just think,,you've only had three years of this crap. Think of having years and years of it. Don't do it, please.

You know you've had enough. Go to the library or the bookstore with your friend and get some codependent books and books on domestic violence. Get on some other sites about domestic violence and read others' stories. It's a real eye-opener But I suspect you've probably been on other sites already since you found this one.

This man does not know about love. It doesn't matter that he was your first. Well it does matter, but you can overcome that. You're young, strong, with pretty good insight except for when you say you can't seem to get away from him. You can if you will.

You said you were abused twice physically and all of your life mentally. That's one big thing you have to deal with and work through because that's one reason you're letting this happen to you. You're used to it and sounds like you've not experienced anything else. No wonder you say there is "something" holding you back. That's one big thing that is holding you back. You and your friend can be supportive of each other. You've not said what her background is. Is is the same for her? Any abuse in her background?

For you to develop your insight on the issue of growing up "all of your life" with mental abuse is going to be very important. I wish all the very best for you and your friend. You both deserve the very best. We all do. All of here are working through our past as children and the patterns we let ourselves be put through as adults.

You recognize you've been abused all of your life in one way or another. No one says it will be easy. You will have to work hard at it, but work at it. Look at the alternative of not getting the help you need.

I'm sorry to go on so, but I see in you a chance to make a difference in your life early on if you only will. Please, please don't wait. Don't go on with this guy. Keep writing. We're all here for you and your friend. Invite her to write here too. You're best friends and can support each other and that's great, but you still are responsible for yourself, as she is responsible for herself. Good luck to you both and remember,,,you're not alone. W

November 30, 2003
5:19 pm
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vegas
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Wise words from such a wise friend!

November 30, 2003
7:40 pm
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whyme85
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vegas and wanttobe,
Thank you so much! You have no idea how your words are like affecting me! I feel like after reading them I can run a marathon! 🙂 Thank you so much!

Last night I didnt't want to sit at home and cry and think about how he was probably out having a good time and I wasn't. SO...(drum roll please) I WENT OUT! I ACTUALLY WENT OUT! If you all knew me personally you would be amazed! HAHA I am a really big homebody and not a big partier or drinker or anything. I haven't done half the things people my age have done and I don't mean like bad things. I just don't ever go out. So I called one of my guy friends up and went to his place and hung out with his roommates and watched movies, kicked back a few and just had an awesome time. Being around other guys made me totally realize that I CAN have fun with other guys and other guys can respect me and find me attractive and worthy! It was just so nice to have a guy actually be nice to me. My friend is always nice to me of course but meeting his 2 roomies and seeing how nice they were to me was just so nice! Maybe I sound dumb but it was so nice to know that guys aren't all like my ex. I think it helped me so much that I went to his house last night. It just made me get this power like this feeling that I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH MY EX ANYMORE, THAT I CAN DO BETTER! I just hope this feeling lasts. I have been so busy since the breakup that eventually things have to wind down ya know? But keep the advice coming and keep me in your thoughts/prayers that I don't fall into his trap. I am going to his house to pick up something from his sister tomorrow and I wouldnt do it but his sister like never gives anything to me so I dont want to be rude to her. But I have no plans on getting with him and I am just going to tell him straight up, look you messed up. I can have fun with other guys who treat me right which you never did! 🙂
Thanks everyone!

November 30, 2003
7:52 pm
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whyme85
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By the way,
I forgot to tell you that while I was at my friends house last night he called me which of course I didnt answer (*YEAH*) and then he called me again today and I called him back just to see what he would say and he "just wanted to know when I was coming to get the coupon from his sister" I WAS LIKE YEA...UHUH...(I was thinking that in my head) but thats all the convo was about nothing else!!!

November 30, 2003
8:07 pm
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whyme85
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OKAY I AM BACK AGAIN! HAHA I JUST CANT STAY AWAY! No...I was checking my email and got this email from him
*~*~*~*~*~
I just wanted to ask you if we are going to try to be friends or if we are just going to say good bye for ever? I mean I know that we aren't going to be the best of friends right away but if sometime we could be then that would be good, so just write be back if you could.
*~*~*~~*~
My aol isnt working right so for some reason i cant put up my response but in a nutshell i told him yea! i am totally okay now and if u want to be friends cool if you arent ready than u have my number when u r ready. I was like I just realize that you aren't the one and I need something else and you have no room in your life for me and that i see us as being awesome friends but not together forever.
*~*~*~*~
What do you all think?

December 1, 2003
1:30 am
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vegas
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Glad to hear you're staying strong...but, just words of advice from someone a little further down the road of break-up-ville...keep the contact at a minimum. I suggest to not call him...ever. Let him do all the dialing, all the emailing, all the whatevers...that way you keep the ball in your court, ya know.

Maybe you two can be friends...but maybe now isn't the best of times to work at it. YOu need to make yourself be top priority. I thought that my ex and I could be friends...but, he updating me on his new life just kept things too fresh for me. Fresh meaning...my wounds were too young...still raw. But, you know what you can handle.

Another little piece of advice...he's acting right now...you know that, right? He just wants to see if he can play ya right. He'll be searching for that weak spot. (These were mine...my compassion and...to be honest...sex. My ex knew/knows how to play me.) SO, keep your guard up, okay.

STay strong, woman. Take care and God bless.
vegas

December 1, 2003
9:45 am
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Hi,,,Good for you!!! So glad to hear you had a good time for a change!! Felt good huh!!!! I can't really add anything more than Vegas except that she knows what she's talking about, and please do what she says. How's your friend doing? Is she reading along with you or still going out with the other guy? Did you think about counseling or is that possible? If you don't have insurance or can't afford it, how about the mental health dept. in your area. That could be a good resource for you. You're starting to empower yourself and have your momentum going. Allow yourself to branch out and find some other interests. I, too, am a "homebody" mostly, so developed an interest in house plants, then branched out into outside flower beds, etc. That's a really good stress reliever for me, and I've learned quite a bit about it but am still pretty much a novice. Do you like to read? That's one thing I do when I'm home. Anyway, just a few suggestions since you like to stay home. Don't worry,,,you'll be in our prayers and thoughts, and we're pulling for you. You sound like like a fun and bright person. Remember you have lots to offer others, don't let your personality be stifled by people who just love to do that type of thing to you. Bye for now,,,W

December 1, 2003
4:12 pm
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Simona
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Hi, I am sure You will become weaker in few days. It is just natural, but do anything to stay away from this guy. I have been married for a similar guy. He did not call me bad names, but he always ignored my feelings, worries etc. and he left me for another woman when our daughter was born. We have been together 7 years and now I know it was the biggest mistake of my life so far.Can You imagine to have a child with this guy? The child would end up with a same problem as me and You probably. Stay strong!

December 2, 2003
11:52 pm
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whyme85
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thanks everyone for talking to me again! i am always so excited to see what everyone has to say and the new people that jump on this post!

vegas thanks so much for making me realize he was playing with me a bit. I know he is trying to make me feel bad and stuff but it's not really working. I went to his house today to pick up that coupon from his sister and he was just so frumpy and down in the dumps it was crazy! I was all like happy and high strung and i wasn't doing it on purpose but just because he is down in the dumps doesnt mean I have to be too! So once again he calls me right after I leave and says we cant be friends...then a few hours later he is calling me telling me he thinks he can handle it and he wants to be friends! I am like starting to get really annoyed with this everyday changing his mind thing. I never told him it was now or never or that he had to make a decision. I told him whenever he is ready that would be fine! GRRRR! I went out last night too with a girlfriend and her boyfriend and his friends. Went bowling and to a resteraunt and had a blast! I am so glad this time I am actually doing something instead of sitting on my butt 24/7 thinking about him. It really does help to just pick yourself up and go! 🙂 Thanks everyone!

December 3, 2003
4:00 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Why Me,

First of all - hell and welcome.

Hum, in answer to your question, are you co-dependant? Only you can answer that. A CODA meeting will probably help you and your friend out. It is nice that you have a friend that is willing to go with you, although sad that you are both in the same position.

My advice, if he has been abusive to you, please leave NOW. Do not take any of his calls, call him, e-mail him nothing. There is a thread on here called "Worried Dad - Why do they Stay?" On that thread I tell of what happened to my 24 year old daughter when she left her relationship. It was not pretty, and I would not want to see that happen to anyone else. Abuse does not stop, no matter how "sorry" they are the next day, or even right after. It will only esculate.

All people deserve to have a happy and loving relationship. Everyone does. You are living apart which is a good thing. But, really my advice to you is get rid of this jerk. Someone who will love and respect you for who you are will come along. In the meantime, you are young. Go out and have fun like you did the other night with your friends.

We see so many young people (well, people of all ages really) get so caught up in wanting to have a relationship that although it is abusive they hang on for dear life. Don't let that happen to you.

We are all here for you.

Love,

Zinnie

December 16, 2003
3:50 pm
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whyme85
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A while back many of you posted some amazing things to help my friend and I and I wanted to say they helped me tremendously. I finally broke it off as you may know after 3 years and we are friends right now and he is trying is hardest to get me back...even going as far as buying me a $300 ring! PUHLEASE! 🙂 HAHA

But I have a favor....for some reason it looks like the posts you all made were erased! I dont know why! But my friend I told you about is wanting some advice on her situation with her boyfriend and she may post here but I wanted to forward those things to her so she might feel the same as I do now. If you could please shed some light on this I would appreciate it.

Again, my friend is in a verbally abusive relationship as well as VERY VERY VERY jealous...always checking in to make sure the other isnt with someone else...blah blah blah and they have been together 6 months and she just cant break away...HELP HER PLEASE! 🙂
THANKS

December 16, 2003
3:55 pm
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mj
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Hi...
at the top of the page is time periods for post...click on the time period that post was in and then look for the thread.... Welcome back 🙂

December 16, 2003
4:05 pm
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mj
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Ok after doing that...I see that you just have to press view all posts at the top of this thread 🙂

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