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someone help
September 26, 2002
10:45 am
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sickinside
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September 29, 2010
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After a 4-yr perfect relationship, my boyfriend decides that he is not capable of dealing with the "blended family"issues. So I moved out of our home,got an apt. and for 4 months we have been going back and forth because we just can't seem to let eachother go. one week he's going to try to make it work,the next week he tells me he's an emotional mess and I need to give him time. He and I don't want to be with anyone else, we have the greatest relationship - while we're alone. He was abandoned by his mom when he was 5,and is starting to see a counselor so he can get better, that way we can be together. I am going thru hell, this emotional rollercoaster has taken it's toll on me and my daughter (she's 12), and I can't seem to function without knowing he
is in my life. But last night once and for all, after our panic attacks over the phone, it's best for him to get help so we can be together. We have promised eachother not to be with anyone else during this time, however, we're not supposed to see or talk with eachother, either. Am I crazy to wait again for him?

September 26, 2002
4:38 pm
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Alena
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September 24, 2010
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Well, I know this has to be very hard for you. 4 years is a long time and quite an emotional investment.

My first reaction is to say I don't think you should "wait" for him.

You said this has taken a toll on you and your daughter. She's 12 so she's also had a relationship with him since she was 8 years old. That probably seems like a lifetime to a little kid, so it really isn't just you who is hurting, I'm sure. I don't think it's a bad thing to encourage him to get help, but I just don't know that it could help enough. I don't think it's a good thing to promise not see anyone else. You are not married? I think you should give yourself the opportunity to find happiness for yourself and your daughter. I'm not saying go out there and really search day after day for someone else, but do let yourself be open to new friendships and relationships.

I know how it hurts, I really do. Especially when you have it in your head that if he could just "get better", everything would be okay...give yourself room to explore life without him in the picture. It's just my initial opinion, not knowing all the details.

The way you feel today may not be the way you feel in a week, or in a month, give yourself some space.

September 26, 2002
8:05 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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I wish I could remember the name of the book, but darn. From my personal experience, and observation.......
My suggestion would be to wait till she leaves for college.... I sure wanna go hummm over this guy and things being ok for 4 years now this?
But I don't think it really matters about his mother, its him, and people don't really change. Its just so damn hard on kids. I know mom, you want a life and a partner, and all that stuff, but I really think it is easier for you to parent your daughter with out all the emotional interferance. You really need to put her first, in my opinion.
In all honesty when I left my daughters father, hindsight being 20/20 vision, it would have been in their best interest if I had simply dated this man I hooked up with, instead of inviting him to our lives, and trying to be the Brady bunch, which was hell, for me, him, his kids, and I now know what my daughters delt with, they are 24, and 22. they never said one word when in the middle of it all, and if you read some of the younger peoples posts, you will read the stuff they went through with the Blended family issues. My girls finally told me the way it was for them, after 2 years of drama and disconnection. I didn't like what I heard, but so damn glad they finally got it off their chest--ss. You just don't hear alot of good endings, ya know what I mean ? Teach her that you can be independent, that you don't have to have a man to be complete,that divorce sucks and we need to do our home work as girls before we think we are mature enough to pick a mate and bring children into the world. Let her see your stregnth, and commitment to her. My words are based on my experience, and yours could be completely different.
You might try some counseling during this break up time. Good luck. Be strong

September 26, 2002
8:50 pm
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benthere
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September 27, 2010
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Hi,

Emotional pain. God. I would rather have a broken arm, really. At least I would be able to "show" people the cause of my pain, right? Right.

I am with Molly on this one. People rarely if ever change. And boy oh boy does it take a MOUNTAIN of work to get it done. Now, I know you hate to hear this, just as I did. But now after four months of therapy and reading and insight, etc. I am starting to see the payoff. It is hard, but when you think about it, WHAT IF you had gotton married and in four more years he did this number? It WOULD have happened. People don't change. Tatoo that on your forehead. He has been hiding this side of himself for probably his whole life. What do you know about his prior relationship(s)? People repeat over and over, AGAIN, because they are who they are. Period. You can learn SOOOOOO much from peoples pasts. It is amazing. Its like this GIANT road-map to the persons soul. I am battling with CICI right now on the need for therapy thing, but if you don't seek help, YOU, LIKE HIM, WILL NEVER CHANGE YOUR FUTURE. THAT IS A FACT. Find a counsler and go TALK! It is so, well, exilerating! No your mom, or girlfriends, but someone you don't know. Ask around, you'll find a good one.

Until then, remember, YOU are in charge of your future. NOT HIM. He is messed up that is a fact and it won't change no matter how much you try to help him or love him. And in the end, you will end up resenting him for wasting your life. (Actually, you will have wasted it on him, but anger usually doesn't go where it should.) make sense?

I wish you all the strenght and desire I can muster for you. Its your choice. The past WILL be your future unless YOU change the outcome.

I read once a saying that is SOOO true it bears repeating:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and each time EXPECTING a different result.

Ben-

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