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Someone help me please.................
January 24, 2005
7:40 am
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ineedtoloveme
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What is sexual addiction?and if my mate has it-what do i do?I am hurting.

January 24, 2005
8:06 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hi Ineed,

I see this is your second post. This is not an area I am familiar with, but wanted to come on and tell you that there are folks here that will help you w/ support.

On the hurting part. You need to sit down and calm down. Get a cup of tea.
Going off the deep end will not help anything.

I would think the first thing you should do is confront him. Sit down face to face and ask him straight out. And don't die on the spot if he confirms your fears. Be strong. Talk matter of factly and get the facts. Then go from there.

You have come to the right place. Keep venting or you may want to type more of the issue to get more across. The more we understand here the more you can be supported.

January 24, 2005
8:21 am
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hopyhoo
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Ineedto: cammer is right, you need to calm down; apparently, he is trying to come clean ,is not going to be easy FOR ANY OF YOU (but it is very hard and very brave what he is doing) and as a mature person , you need to confronted too ,and help the best you can .I understand the first reaction, unfortunately you have to try to pass that because reality is not going to changeā€¦
Keep venting you will find a lot of people for support here!

January 24, 2005
8:37 am
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ineedtoloveme
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He did talk to me-I know he was molested as a child (11) by an older woman(about60). He admitted last week to having a number of affairs. He admits to masturbating everyday. We have a great sex life (or so I thought). He starts his first sex addiction meeting tonight. He says he has not had a "affair" in five years.I know that is a lie and that angers me.I feel so loss-what do I do-I feel like he is broken-whaaaaat do I do?

January 24, 2005
8:45 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ineed:

First off. He's taking the right steps. I know this hurts like hell. You need to sit down and evaluate the situation from your viewpoint. Do you want to stay w/ him? Do you want to kick him to the curb? Do you want to support his treatment? Can you accept the things that have happened?

#1. Don't make any rash decisions. Think on things a few days before you make any decisions. Decisions made in the heat of the moment are usually the wrong ones to make. Think on it a bit.

If you need to talk more or vent more please feel free. That's what this site is for.

January 24, 2005
8:46 am
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ineedtoloveme
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Also-he didn't consider the sex (he had at 11 w/ the older woman abuse-until he met me -he considered it a pat on the back thing. I got him to see it was abuse. Why is he lying and saying he has been "faithful" for the last 5 years. How did he "cure" himself?I don't understand none of this. Do I leave-Do I stay? Help me.
He doesn't start his first meeting until tonight.Will I spend the rest of my life scare he is going to cheat?
I know I am rambling - but- I am loss.Again, HELP ME.

January 24, 2005
9:07 am
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Notsure
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Given what I have been reading Sex addiction is an off-shoot of love addiction.

There are several organizations that can help you and your sppouse.

Here is a questionaire on love addiction for you to better understand signs and characteristics of Love Addiction:

1) Lack of nurturing and attention when young

2) Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family

3)Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life

4) Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration

5) Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)

6) Hidden Pain

7) Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost

8) Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship

9)Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment

10) Depressed

11) Highly manipulative and controlling of others

12) Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water

13) Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner

14) Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman

15) Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior

16) Intense need to control self, others, circumstances

17) Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems

18) Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)

19) Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain

20) Continual questioning of values and lifestyle

21) Driven, desperate, frantic personality

22)Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)

23) Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment

24) Existence of a secret "double life"

25) Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem

26) Defining out-of-control behavior as normal

27) Defining "wants" as "needs"

28) Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)

29) Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately

What is Sexual Addiction?

Sex Addiction can involve a wide variety of practices. Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behavior, sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts say their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive process. It may have started with an addiction to masturbation, pornography (either printed or electronic), or a relationship, but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous behaviors.

The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish to stop --- yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair.

Sexual preoccupation takes up tremendous amounts of energy. As this increases for the sex addict, a pattern of behavior (or rituals) follows, which usually leads to acting out (for some it is flirting, searching the net for pornography, or driving to the park.) When the acting out happens, there is a denial of feelings usually followed by despair and shame or a feeling of hopelessness and confusion.

A Useful Tool for Self-Assessment

Answer these twelve questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction.

Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?
Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?
Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?
Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?
Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?
If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, we would encourage you to seek out additional literature as a resource or to attend an Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting to further assess your needs.

I hope this helps. Regards. Notsure

January 24, 2005
9:54 am
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eve
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I understand your hurt. This must be difficult for you, but after the shock and the pain - life goes on. Would you rather he hadn't told you?

Try to put yourself in his shoes. It must have been very hard for him, to make up his mind to tell you. I think that it is a good thing that he started talking about it, and is set on working on it?

What you do about it is ultimately your decision. If you want to work on the relationship, I think that you'll find that this is the start of things getting better.

January 24, 2005
10:25 am
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ineedtoloveme
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Will I spend the rest of my life waiting for him to cheat again? He says he no longer cheats but masturbates instead-He says ha hasn't cheated in 5 years-Could that be true?

January 24, 2005
12:38 pm
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sdesigns
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I read your other post and responded. Notsure gave very thorough info and hope that helps. One thing I have heard and read is that ALL sex addicts have been abused as children in one way or another, and you stated that here about your bf. Although it is not his fault this was done to him , he has to live with the consequences and deal with it, as well as everyone he becomes involved with. My thoughts are with you- it can't be easy to deal with. SD

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