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Someone get inside my head
August 7, 2001
6:04 pm
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antisocial_sociopath
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Hi.

This is the first time I'm written here, so here goes.
I'm 14, and have a lot of problems and issues going around in my head and to be honest I cant cope anymore even though on the surface to everyone else I look and act fine and happy. It's hard and this false act I put on is killing me and making me worse and worse.

Everyone I've ever known or trusted has either died or let me down, it's like everywhere I turn I feel hurt, pain, sadness, confusion and this huge erge to take that blade everytime I cut myself and pray for the courage to press down and end the misery that is the sad meaningless life I'm living right now.
My nan and uncle and best friend who all 3 I was very close to died around the same time, I suppose that was when I first had to come to terms with death.
Then just as I began to trust again this new best friend he was run over and got brain damage and I never saw him again.
Now as I have this new friend who I trust so much I can feel myself pushing him away because I fear getting close to anyone incase I loose them again.
I know he wants to help me, but I dont know how to let him help me, I suppose I want him to come into my little world, I want my counsellor to come into my little world but at the same time I just want to say come in but not to fast I'll let you in at my own speed.

One of my biggest problems is I suppose my overall personality.
I'm very manipulative with people I care about and love I control them somehow and they dont realise, many people have said it is because I am charasmatic and suductive in my actions, I dont mean to, I suppose I have to have control of someones life because I cant control my own, this has made me hurt the first person who I truly loved. I'd never admit it to anyone, but I'm scared, so scared of myself. Even though to everyone around me I appear so confident and bouncy, carefree I'm not, I'm dead inside, my heart and all my hurt is cold and allthough I like to believe I'm free, I'm not i'm trapped inside my mind im a prisoner who fantasises about its own demise and the pain is killing me, I am killing myself by this self inflicted torture I put myself through.

I cant control my emotions, my emotions change so quickly, I break the law and have no remorse when I hurt people feelings on the surface but go home and cry about them, if only you knew how many lonely nights I've spent crying myself to sleep longing not to wake up the following morning.

I have to be the center of attention, I hate being in situations where I'm not, I dramatize every small event into something huge so I can get the attention.
I cant even tell my counsellor this cause I know she will get me admitted to a psychiatric hospital and I know I couldnt cope.

I've forgot what it feels like to be happy and care free and that scares me.
Will I ever be happy?
Am I crazy?
What am I?
Who am I?
Are there even answers to these questions?

Maybe none of this makes any sense or maybe none of you can reply to it so I guess I'm just sending this off into the void hoping for answers knowing deep down that they will never come.
What is wrong with me? Am I ill do I need help, maybe but what is crazy? it's not being lost or broke its anyone whos ever questioned their sanity amplified a million times.
I lie only to those who keep me from being myslef, truth is that is most people, you know no one really knoes who I am not even me.
I search for secrets elsewhere because I cant believe myself and these secrets I begin to believe.
You know no matter what anyone else thinks, I'm not really dead.
Many think I have no feelings because I dont express them because I say what I think I dont keep it all inside my felings bout people and again I play the villian just like they all want.

People are scared to tell me what they really think about me because they think it might push me over the edge, I say it wont but in all honestly it would.

I suppose I know what I want to do to people, but I dont know what I need, its like I'm watching people from a certain place without coming near them or feeling them. I guess I think that they cant see me.

I keep seeing my counsellor she wont let me stop because I havent opened up its stupid I mean if you confess all you're secrets they think about setting you free, if not you keep coming back and the more you loose you're own sense of freedom.

My friend tried to kill herself and I dont know what I would say to her, I mean I dont know what its like to be her but I defiantly know what its like to want to die I guess I cant talk to her about her problems because then I will have to confront my own.
Weird, I know!

You know so many people die and it makes me wonder, why doesnt anyone ever kill me why am I so neglected, why cant anyone reach inside me and pull out the truth pull out what scares me, tell me why I am so unhappy tell me that I'm stupid and that no one cares if I died?
I want to get better but first I have to confront the thing that terrifies me the most...
myself.

Is there a way out, I feel like a glass bottle im inside watching everyone but unable to get out or let anyone in, it is a place of safety I found my hiding away now its become a prison i cant escape.
I despretly want someone to help mend the spilt of soul and self that has taken part inside my body.
I'm really trying now to let it all out but this thing inside me controls what I let out, what I say.

I'm longing to be loved for my real self, yet I'm terrified of love any sort of understanding threatens my whole defence mechanism which is pretending nothin affects me.
I long to be understood I want someone to accept everything that I pose yet no one yet has without running away.

I cut myself because the pain lets me know I'm still alive when everyhting around me is falling apart, that's another thing I guess thats weird about me. Unless you could actually get inside my head you wouldnt understand why Im happier when everythings falling apart around me.
I suppose cutting... I hurt myself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the outside but it wont leave.

I wish I was still a child but I'm not, maybe I do want to be admitted to hospital so many people tell me whats wrong with me.

* borderline personality disorder
*Histriotic personality disorder
*Sociopath
*extreamly depressed.
Do any of you know if any of these are right?
My theroy --- A young little girl whos driving herself crazy, then again I blame myself for everything.
Is my unhappieness my fault?
I dont want to feel but I do and I feel apin.
This is all I can think of so farbut if any more comes to me I'll let you know.
If you've read all this then thanks I know its long!!

Take care.
A
XxX

August 7, 2001
6:16 pm
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retard
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stay strong bab, u aint pushin me nowhere im luvin u 4eva, we spoke yesterday I told u hit me with all ure probs ill be ure rock god knows u need 1!

August 7, 2001
6:22 pm
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janes
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You need to have a complete physical and mental exam...you may need to talk to a psychiatrist...there is no stigma worse than not getting the help y9ou need.

You also need to stop diagnosing yourself....

In some ways you are still a child...the teen years are the practice ones for "adult hood"..be sure to remember to enjoy what you can in life...the best adults can enjoy childish things at the right time...

Not letting anyone into your little world...It's fair to take time to do that...esp after losing loved ones.

Push Pull Push pull.....if you truly want a normal life than be honest with your counselor and tell them what you truly feel and think.

Unless you get the help you need the feelings you have may continue and your life will not be what you want.

August 7, 2001
6:25 pm
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antisocial_sociopath
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Hi,
thanks for the quick replys, it helps to know people care,
my mum doesnt know any of this and how I feel so its hard for me to get proper help.
What can I do bout this?
A
XxX

August 7, 2001
6:25 pm
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retard
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in my eyes 14 is still a child, but no number can expess your mentality or maturity, Just cos ure 14 dont mean u cant still play with Dolls or frolick in the fields or for that matter write long essays and like politics!!!

August 7, 2001
6:28 pm
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retard
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A, I told u and she told you see some1 more than the scohol counsellour because she may not have experiance get professional advice from a REAL therapist not just Mrs cannon, give a false name wateva cos in school they can still talk 2 ure mom wwhich may be y u dont wanna fully express ureself and they can force things upone u. A go the next step higher!

August 7, 2001
6:58 pm
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janes
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Do you have a truested person at church or youth club?

August 7, 2001
7:02 pm
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antisocial_sociopath
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Not really, the nearest is my school counsellor, but I know she'll tell my mum

August 7, 2001
9:04 pm
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Molly
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Sometimes people that have always had things easily come their way, good grades, little responsibility, and the gift of manipulation, perhaps spoiled as a child, or enabled with little diciplan, do not get the opportunity to develop self respect.
The goals chosen are easy to obtain, they get boared, and look for the thrill, with little meaning in their lives, so risk taking is not signifigant, and they push and continue to channel possibly negative behavior until there is nothing left to manipulate, explore, or entertain them. So, they still are shallow, no joy in their life, no middle of the road easy time, and get frustrated for the feelings, thus perhaps the cutting? Instead of seeking labels, and continuing the in your head conversations with your self, think about doing something that might help you to develop self respect. You are obviously very intelligent, put it to work, manuel labor is also good for the soul, and your mental health. Its all a choice, it really is

August 8, 2001
6:01 am
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pia
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Hi,

i really feel for your pain. my best friend in school was a cutter and she never really got the help or love she neeeded. try to find someone you can really trust. Thre are people who care and can really help and no you are not crazy we all have hard tims and I think youre very brave to be reaching out and I hope your mom can also help you.

August 8, 2001
10:04 am
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Listen...
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You may think that now is the time to "stand on your own." You're approaching adulthood and everyone there is independent.

Truth: You are who you are. You will find that even as adult, everyone still depends on each other for one thing or another - just not necessarily within the family unit.

Now you need to realize the pressure is off - adulthood is an illusion. Try to relax and love yourself and others.

It's all "small stuff". Take Care!

August 8, 2001
11:12 am
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sue2001
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I have alot of things going on in my life now so I don't know if I can be of much help but here goes.
I read a book once about your inner child and how that "child" can stop you from doing things that you have to do to move on if "she" was not properly taken care of as you were a child. In my case I had to forgive my parents for the way we were raised. My mom did not work and she used the excuse that no one would want to babysit five kids at once but we were in school she could have worked then. My dad worked long enough to get a paycheck and then he woould quit. We survived on foodstamps and commodities alone with a little help from my grandparents. We wore clothes that were given to us by the church. We never had running water and seldom had electricity. I used to say that they done everything that they could but I knew that that was not true... I helped take care of the kids when mom got sick and even when she wasn't sick I did alot. When we went to friends houses I stayed with the adults because that is where I got all the attention. And I got to fix all the coffee and run after all the little kids and wash the dishes and hear all the grown up stories at the time I thought I was a part of that. What I should have been was one of the kids outside. I lost my child hood and hurt my inner child there were oother things also that hurt me. Someone and I still don't know or don't want to know touched me and fondeled me while I was a sleep men were in and out of our house all the time. Everyone except my mom smoked pot and stayed high so my inner child was really messed up... I was 18 when I read that book and it helped alot.... I was able to forgive my parents for the way we were raised without giving them excuses. I feel better about that part. I am still working on other issues. But maybe you could start there I wish for you that I could remember the title but you can go to your local library or book store and look up books about your "inner child" and surely find some thing that would help you.. Good Luck and as I have been told...You are starting on the right foot seeking help....:) Sue

August 8, 2001
11:36 am
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Ladeska
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We have earthquakes in life - for a reason. Sometimes this violent shaking comes up in us because our true self is rejecting alot of lies that have been laid in us during early childhood. We have believed things about us - that aren't true, but since they were said or acted out by people we trust or were supposed to trust - yet betrayed us....guess what? We believed the lies anyway and they became a part of us.

But....like anything that is false, counterfiet, illicit, wrong...our true self will want to reject it and you will react to that by doing alot of things. Your whole body will want it away from you and yes you will cut...you won't understand yourself, you will manipulate others like somoene obviously manipulated you and felt no remorse about....

You do feel remorse and that's because - you're trying desperately to identify what it is inside you that is the lie...you want to know. You want to live or you would not be here.

My advice to you is - keep talking and realize that the repulsion you feel inside and all the confusion is because - you know something is very wrong. Someone, something that has happened or a whole lifetime of patterns has told you things about you and about life that just aren't true and you've believed it. Therefore - if it was dark and ugly and wrong and poisoned - wouldn't you want to be throwing something up? wouldn't you be feeling horrible because you've swallowed all this and believed it to be true - when in all reality it may very well have been someone else's misery and poison that rubbed off on you at an early age.

That happens. People abuse children, neglect them, tell them things that aren't true about themselves, and pack all this twisted stuff into a little mind, a vulnerable heart and a body that just can't hold all that yuchy for very long before the seams start to crack.....which is what's happening to you now...

I suggest that you honor these feelings inside yourself and realize - you're trying desperately to find truth and rid yourself of the lies. If you get ahold of that one concept - you will blast out of this eventually...

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