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some good Brynnie news
April 23, 2007
4:13 pm
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After what seemed like being depressed forever, I think I may be feeling some peace.

I was asked to join my family a couple of times last week for a little lunch or BBQ and both times I was so tired and feeling sick I just declined, saying I didn't feel well. I finally joined them (3 invites in a week????) last Sat. Then after my H and sons left, I stayed and visited with our older son's pregnant gf.

She has found an apartment and plans to move out of his house this weekend.

I am so relieved. Nothing has been right. They do not get along. I think they TRIED to be in love....but they just really don't like each other much.

The baby is due in two weeks. I know our son will do his best to be a good father to his child -- they plan to share custody 50-50.

I told her I was sorry for BOTH of them, that I saw how hard it was on them both. We will try to be as supportive of them/her as much as we can.

I actually experience her as a nice young girl, but her situation is not something I can identify with....her older 2 children have 2 different fathers...so she has these crazy-making relationships twice already and now our son will be the third.

She always tells me how awful the other 2 fathers are....male-bashing....I'm sorry, but I don't think that they can be that horrid and don't deserve that much distain. I does seem like there is a reason they don't want to try to be married to her. Yesterday she said once how awesome our son is, and another time some drunken cheating thing he did.....I don't know how "bad" he has been. It is hard to know whether she needs to paint him that way so I will sympathize more with her.....I kind of think that's it....she's told me what a lousy alcoholic mother she had....I think maybe she'd like a surrogate one. I am pulled by it, but it is so "laced" with manipulation.

So we are going to be grandparents very soon. My secret desire is to steal the baby and raise her in some sort of safe cocoon.

That's right. I'm getting some of my fantasies back.

April 23, 2007
5:36 pm
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The good news here is that I am not feeling so disillusioned any more. Accepting "WHAT IS" seems to be the route to take.

April 24, 2007
6:45 pm
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armyleo
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Hi Brynnie -

It's good to read your doing better...

I'm sort of trying to rest mentally/emotionally....I'm doing better and gaining my strength...I'm sort of stepping back and looking at things, my behaviors, the kids, and H's...

Take Care

April 24, 2007
11:32 pm
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readyforachange
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(((Brynnie))) glad you have found some peace. I, too, am getting there. Take care of yourself...

April 26, 2007
12:53 am
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army and ready,

thanks for responding. I know you both are doing self-review too and appreciate how humbling it can be.

I think I might prefer fantasy to reality, but....

I spent a half-day with my crazy-making niece today. I am ALWAYS boggled by this woman! She is a master-manipulator and I sometimes just sit back in awe. She DOES stuff I've never even dreamed of. I kind of have to HAND IT TO HER because she is so frickin' GOOD at using her creative skills to get what she wants!

Where was I when they passed out these skills?

Her H was unwilling to put their child's new desk together. She tried to do it herself, but could not locate the Allen wrench needed, so she just got tired of asking and played the helpless wife in distress with the willing neighborhood fathers and got TWO of them to come over and assemble that desk in NO time! She said her H got very busy after this and decided to put up some shelves and several other needed household tasks.

Sounds ridiculously sick?? It happened!!

Seriously, this niece is just amazingly adept at USING people. And she is funny, and witty, and charming....and apparently no one seems to mind...what the &*(*& is wrong with the rest of us that we can't just climb on that gravy train and reap the benefits of NO CONSCIENCE and start enjoying the fruits of manipulation and deception?

Maybe we should be working on developing a craftier attitude?????

April 26, 2007
10:11 pm
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readyforachange
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Brynnie...what a funny story. I got pretty good at that myself. When I had a long list of things that needed to be done, and my ex-h wouldn't do them, I would make a list with a "handyman's" phone number at the top, and leave it on the kitchen table. He'd come in and ask what the list was for, and I would tell him that those were the things I'd been waiting for him to do, but since he was so busy, I was going to have to hire someone to do them. Usually got most things done within a few days.

Women really run the show...men just don't know it. 😉

April 27, 2007
12:04 am
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Hi ready...that is a tactic I would sometimes attempt but never felt comfortable doing because my H was so "wounded" that I'd undermine him like that -- most tradespeople I'd have HIRED were acquaintances, and often his competition. It was obvious that HE thought that I was just trying to belittle him. He'd USUALLY get around to things.....but there was always that one baseboard that was never replaced....you know...I think I was probably just VERY tolerant of alot of his lack of follow-through because I saw the fault also in myself.

I remember one newly-married friend who set up a cookie jar filled with slips of paper that had little tasks she wanted her H to do. They just "embraced" their little game -- it struck me as SO infantile because I couldn't understand how she would not treat him like an adult who could SEE what needed to be done.

Oh well, our house is really in need of some repairs and my H only seems to want to do stuff in the yard. We are too broke to tackle anything that requires much money. I understand that part. I just wish he'd do some small stuff. He's been depressed since the family business has been struggling.

But I know another great true story -- about this divorced woman who bought her own little lake house that needed work....she would date a plumber for a while, then she'd date an electrician, then a carpenter, then a roofer....absolutely no conscience!

April 29, 2007
10:09 am
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readyforachange
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Hey, Brynnie...how are you today?

April 29, 2007
7:54 pm
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I'm excited and apprehensive. This grandchild is "scheduled" to arrive in ....about 36 hrs.

April 29, 2007
8:11 pm
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Ready, I drank too much Fri night. I have no business doing it at all because with my meds it just amplifies everything and I felt horrible the next day. I think I finally said EVERYTHING I needed to say to my H. We've been pretty careful and polite with each other ever since, which may be a good thing.

I was surprised that that happened....that I allowed it...I'm recognizing that I did it to turn the tables and show him how it feels to be married to someone who drinks too much.

It is sooo not worth what it cost me.

How have you been coping?

April 29, 2007
8:45 pm
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readyforachange
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Brynnie, Yeah!!!! I will keep you and new grandbaby in my thoughts and prayers!!!

I've made that mistake before, too. Thinking that turning the tables would work. Never does, and you end up feeling like crap. Hope you're talk really cleared some things ups. At least maybe you will feel better that you have expressed what you're feeling.

I'm coping okay. My ex and my daughter are still playing games, and fighting like cats and dogs. They have been cancelling dinner plans with one another for an entire week...he finally called me yesterday all hot and bothered because she failed to tell him she couldn't go out until 7, and he had somewhere else to go. He wants to have a family "meeting"...this is the man who has refused to speak to me for over 3 years. He also asked if there was anything he could do for me because my son told him I wasn't sleeping and was really having a hard time. Like he cares. I just don't know what to think any more. I wish we could be civilized to one another, but I don't think he is capable.

Tell us when baby arrives!

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