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some feedback please - how do i 'live' without obsessing??
October 5, 2004
9:46 pm
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harrys girl
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recently my therapist suggested that it may be time for me to just 'live life', without needing to obsess about others or to create codependent relationships. it is a completely new idea for me - as far back as i can remember (i'm 38 now and can remember back to when i was about 3) i have been playing that supportive, parenting, fixing role. i don't know how to live without it. i feel agitated and anxious - has anyone else experienced this kind of codependent 'withdrawal'? if i'm not filling my life with other people's lives, then what am i meant to be doing??

any suggestions greatly appreciated.

hg

October 5, 2004
10:55 pm
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mj
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Hi HG,
Get in tune with your likes and dislikes.
Make a list of all the things that bring enjoyment and then start doing them. Keep the list handy and when you feel like fixing, just pull out the list and start enjoying life a little more.

October 5, 2004
11:45 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I agree with mj. You need to find something to occupy your time when you start feeling like "fixing". I use quilting. When I start feeling the anxiety or the need to fix (coz I was the fixit person in our family) I go to my room and start quilting. I also do circle the word books for when i am not at home. One of the hardest things I've had to learn in life was when to stay out of it and let others make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences.

Good Luck!

October 6, 2004
12:23 am
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bubishi76
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Hey,
Welcome to the battle of codep. I am just recently dealing with it myself. I'm trying to save my relationship though. I still have yet to find the line where being with my g/f and being codep. are. I still have alot of reading to do but the way that I have it figured out is that you have to just remember who you are. It has been a battle for me and I think that you will find that it is not easy. I think that you should just start out by doing small things for yourself and then it will help you to start doing the bigger things.
~Bubishi~

October 7, 2004
9:56 pm
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harrys girl
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thanks heaps mj, mamacinnamon & bubishi - getting to know what i like & dislike is a great place to start - mama, you reminded me how i've enjoyed long stitch tapestry in the past - i've got a half finished one that has been sitting in the cupboard for years - it's coming out now, gonna use it as my 'fixer distracter'!!!!

bless you all.

October 7, 2004
10:06 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Another thought. Get the book Codependent No More and go thru it. I just started going thru it w/ a girl on the other side of the earth from me. lol.

October 7, 2004
10:32 pm
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harrys girl
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thanks mamacinnamon, i'll check it out. amazing how we can communicate from all the corners of the earth, isn't it? bless the internet!!

hg

October 8, 2004
1:02 pm
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kathygy
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Focus on developing a loving relationship with yourself. Talk to yourself in loving ways. You can fill yourself up with you. Do loving things for yourself. Its a new way of life but much richer and rewarding.

October 8, 2004
1:16 pm
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Cici
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Read the beginning of the thread "10 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking"

October 8, 2004
1:27 pm
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Anonymous
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I love this term::: ME, ME, ME, it's all about ME!!!!!!!

October 8, 2004
1:54 pm
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CAMER
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think about you, and all your goals and dreams and focus on what you want....and be happy, do things that are fun and that you like to do...do things day by day that way there is not too much pressure on you.

hugs from camer

October 8, 2004
3:20 pm
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arielcat
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I am right there with you right now, harrys girl. I obsess, too, and am really trying hard to let go of it, because I'm finding how out of control my life is. I am reading the book Codependent No More book and doing the activities when I have time. It's a good book to help with that kind of stuff. It says you need to detach from the person or problem that's causing you all the distress in your life. The book also says you should try and detach in love, but if you can't, you should detach in anger, just as long as you detach. With the situation in my life, I wish I could detach in love, but I have so much anger toward this person right now and if I try and detach in love, it won't work at all, I won't detach. I need to detach in anger so that I can detach (which I'm having a very hard time with).

And I understand about if you aren't a part of someone else's life, then what are you doing here? I feel that way, too. I've been like that my whole life as well. And with my current situation, I've been trying to fix, control and do everything else for this person and in the process I've been neglecting myself and my responsibilities. I am an animal lover and even work one night a week (my other job) at the local animal emergency clinic where I live. My cat has health problems and I've always been so in tuned with her problems and know right when they are starting to act up. Her health problems just recently spiraled out of control. I'd been so caught up in this other person, it took her health problems to really get bad for me to notice. I felt so bad and then of course took her in with me last night to have the doctor look at her. But I've just been shirking my responsibilites and everything. I'm slowly trying to let go and stop obsessing, but it's taking time. I'm trying to work on me, and do things I want to do. I've alienated all my friends from my life, except the ones that are somehow connected to him. So, I understand. And this is not the first time this has happened. It's time for me to get *my* life on track. So, I understand where you are coming from.

Good luck,
Arielcat

October 8, 2004
4:31 pm
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workinonit
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I think if you begin to breath deep it helps.

You are trying to change patterns that have been in place a lifetime. This will take about that long to change. Although, the more you dig deep down the better chance you have of real understanding and definite change.

Try taking small steps at first. break your time into blocks and stay aware for say, 15 minutes at a time. Habits are difficult to break. Also, try asking yourself what is best for you in any given situation. Tell yourself it is ok to be selfish. Because it is.

Baby steps are best and don't beat yourself up for anything under any circumstances. You are as human as the rest of us and deserve to be understood. Start by doing that for yourself.

Great book!!! Succulent Wild Woman by Sark. Check it out!

October 8, 2004
6:42 pm
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dire straits
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STEP ONE
We admitted we were powerless over the effects of addiction -
that our lives had become unmanageable.

STEP TWO
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to wholeness.

STEP THREE
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.

STEP FOUR
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

STEP FIVE
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

STEP SIX
Were entirely ready to work in partnership with God to remove our ineffective behavior.

STEP SEVEN
Humbly asked God to help us remove our shortcomings.

STEP EIGHT
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

STEP NINE
Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

STEP TEN
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

STEP ELEVEN
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and for the power to carry that out.

STEP TWELVE
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,
we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

October 8, 2004
10:34 pm
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workinonit
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Wow Dire straits.............

October 10, 2004
5:18 pm
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bangles
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arielcat: Most of us are here for co-de reasons but we are basically here for each other whatever the problem. I haven't read many of the books out there, but the one on detaching --Codependent No More has been suggested on this website a lot. I plan on reading it. And, I thinkI am in agreement. To save yourself, just detach. Better if done in love, but better to just be done one way or another. The longer you stay enmeshed, the longer the pain will continue. If you can separate, then do so. Best to you, Bangles

October 13, 2004
8:01 pm
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harrys girl
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big huge thank you to everyone who replied to my thread - you've all given me such a lot of valuable tools to work with...by the way, haven't contacted my latest 'obsession' for 10 days now - and i feel so free and much more relaxed - this is the way to go!!! The less i know about what he's doing the better i feel!

all together now...focus on me, me, me...

bless you all

hg xx

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