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Some damage can't be fixed....
May 10, 2010
10:20 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks for your posts....I am kinda of taken aback that the entire family is not wanting to believe her...brings back painful memories for me...my friend to her credit told me she is not sure...but on the other hand seems to believe what her brother says or wants to believe him...

She has told me that her niece has told her and her brother on several occassions that she wants to break up her parents at all costs...I am not sure why...that she is mean spirited and that she lies all the time...

But that does not mean she is lying bout this, I think her lying is a probably a symptom of needing help maybe.

I honestly believe something is wrong here, and I hate to say it, but I just find it so hare to believe that someone would lie bout this kind of thing unless they were a sociopath and wanted revenge on someone...maybe drugs?

The way her mom reacted with throwing her things out, sounded like jealousy and alot of anger, like she KNEW..I can't help this but her reaction sounded like something my own mom would do....and has done.

Ugh...I think my friend is in for alot of heartbreak and I think her niece is going to need her, I hope she is there for her in the end, She seems like a good person, she has been a wonderful friend to me....I really really hope so.

But as I have seen time and time again, family usually stick together in things like this, the one who was abused is often alone and feeling ashamed and left out in the cold...

I pray she was not abused...

May 10, 2010
11:31 pm
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StronginHim77
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Chelonia -

I really love what you shared. It touched my heart.

BFG -

Truthfully, I would prefer learning that this child lied...because that would mean she had NOT endured the trauma of being molested. I have only had known one family who went through something similar (altho the charge levied by the child was not as serious as sexual molestation).

One of my nieces accused her stepfather of physically abusing her (beating her) because she was angry with him. The State IMMEDIATELY put him under rigorous investigation. He was completely cleared and she (ultimately) admitted she had lied because she was angry with her parents and wanted to move out.

I believe she was about 14 or 15 at the time.

Again, I am hoping that this gets resolved quickly...and that the child has not been harmed. But she needs to be heard and protected, pending the completion of this investigation.

- Ma Strong

May 11, 2010
7:08 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks Ma and everyone...I agree. I am just really emotional torn over this. I was hoping my friend would of not immediately taken her brothers side...but she is emntionally in pain and not thinking perhaps...

I appreciate your help hugs to all....

May 11, 2010
7:28 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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My friend did mention she wanted out of the house...to be thaa
T seems like a red flag...I also heard runaways are mostly abused as well...let's pray she is a liar instead...

May 11, 2010
7:59 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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There are just so many red flags...

Its not that I want her to not be a liar...I pray she is in this case...

But the facts or red flags are there...

She is having sex with older men...
Her familys reaction...esp her nmoms.
I am told she is lazy and has no ambition to do well in school
She is failing school

This just is very telling to me that something is not right here...

I guess being called liar justs cuts at my heart...I been called one.

I also feel its rare for someone to lie about this kind of thing. I guess it happens....

She will have no family support...she left the house and is with a friend...they really seem to hate her...so does my family....

I hope she is a liar but with all my experience and gut feelings and the red flags I see... I doubt iT:(

May 11, 2010
9:16 am
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sandpipper
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Chelonia,
Your post was beautiful. So well said and so inspiring. Who of us hasn’t had experiences that made us feel bad about ourselves and inferior to others? Focusing on those things will keep us in the past and like you said prevent us from fully living our lives today. Thank you.
Hugs

May 11, 2010
10:07 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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mydas:) thanks for your post, I guess I am not where you are and I am not sure I ever wlll be but I think I got so upset over this that I forgot to fully address your post to me, i am sorry...

I want to see things that way, I try too but I just see me as being damaged and I want to see things the way you do...but for some reason, i just can't...

Thank you for your post, I am glad you can see through the muck and come up with such a beautiful post of how you feel and see yourself, your lucky...thanks again.

May 11, 2010
10:19 am
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I am not looking for an excuse to lessen my life cause of my abuse, i do not use it as a crutch per se...

I have alot of problems that hinder me in many ways, one being anxiety and my hair issue...

I agree to screw what society thinks but i would then live alone in my house and that is not much fun either when you are alone...

I am not entirely bald, i can cover it but i am afraid one day i will not be able to do that...and society is mean to women who have no hair...

i know, i had no hair at age 13, or very little that is...I see first hand how mean people are...

i am sorry, i guess i am not just a very postive fun person right now t be around:(

May 11, 2010
11:38 am
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chinadoll
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Bf girl,

I am sorry for what your friend's family is going thru. I think your gut is right, even if we are all hoping it is not true. No one wants to think that this girl really was raped.

I was raped at age 14 (I was a virgin) & age 16, I would find it hard for a girl to lie about something like this, at this age. Both men were strangers to me, I was basically in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not tell anyone about the first time, since I did not think anyone would believe me. I could not hide it the 2nd time, because the police had to get involved (I was threatened with a knife and almost killed, he did not want to leave a witness, but they never caught him).

After the 2nd rape, I started to do poorly in school, I failed almost all of my classes that school year. I could not focus on school anymore, and my parents did not believe in counseling (only for crazy people), and they did not want to make the effort to arrange counseling appts and drive me. They were "too busy". Their idea of providing for my siblings & me was food, clothing, shelter. Our emotional needs were never met.

It could be that she lies a lot, because she feels like her family won't believe her anyway. You know how like when really little kids will lie because they are afraid they will get in trouble? Maybe her initial response is to lie since she thinks she will be in trouble.

I agree with you about the red flags. I also tried to run away from home when I was 16. My Mom called the police & they tried to search for me, but I ended up going back home because I had no other place to go. If her Dad really did this, I can see why she does not want to be at home.

And, for her going with older men. That's a sign that she is repeating what has happened to her. I learned in trauma therapy that when we have been exposed to a trauma, we place ourselves in dangerous, traumatic, "drama" situations to try to resolve the trauma and heal from it. We will keep doing it until we feel it's resolved, but it can never be truly resolved without professional help. This is why I (unknowingly or subconsciously) got involved in relationships with abusive men when I became an adult. It was what I knew. Now I know better, and don't want that for myself anymore.

The police and the courts will straighten it out. I used to work in family court. They go thru extensive interviews and evaluations. Hopefully she will get counseling and help from the court, maybe the court will order it for the whole family.

It could be that her family won't believe her, because the possibility of the truth is too painful. If they stay in denial, they don't have to face it.

These are just my thoughts, for what it's worth. I hope this doesn't cause you to get upset all over again. That wasn't my intention. But I agree with you, our first gut reactions are usually right.

May 11, 2010
11:51 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am so sorry chinadoll...I can tell you also been through a lot...not just your words but your emotions here...:(

I too would prefer to say oh she is lying but I did that my entire life...I am done with giving people excuses...

When you see the red flags...its hard to say imo...well maybe not...to me that seems wrong...do I want this to be what I think it is? Good god in heaven NO!

But I will not act like things are one way and try to rationali2 it away...that is what my sister does and then she calls me the liar...

This is tearing me apart...I feel for my friend...but her niece needs help *nd she seems to have alienated her family...

Just like me and so many others...we get the blame of ruining the family...its not fair...it tears mybheart out to pieces...

What can I say to my friend? I am meeting her again today...she is a good person...she has been there for me when no one has....I feel awful...I afraid of saying something I do not want too..m

Chinadoll...thanks for sharing with me and us on here...I know this is hard...hugS to you (((chinadoll)))

May 11, 2010
12:05 pm
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StronginHim77
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Out of my eight nieces, three ran away from home during their teens. Two of the three were sexually active. None had ever been molested. One was being verbally/emotionally abused. The other two had never been spanked and were highly rebellious, spoiled troublemakers...all their lives. Interestingly, two had ADHD with no concern for the CONSEQUENCES of some of their actions. They were highly impulsive with explosive tempers.

Just tossing this in, to give us some hope that she might not have been molested. I surely hope she hasn't.

- Ma Strong

May 11, 2010
2:43 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I hope she wasn't either ma...trust me I would never ever wish that on anyone...but I do know the red flags and I do know many women never remember their abuse...all I care to say as this is just too much right now to debate about...my best to you ma.

May 11, 2010
3:15 pm
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chinadoll
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Bf girl,

Thanks for the hugs!

{{Bf girl}} Hugs back to you!

As for what to say to your friend, I am not sure. This is so hard. Maybe just listen? And then you don't have to talk. I wouldn't know what to say.

Best wishes for a good visit with your friend.

May 11, 2010
3:58 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks chinadoll...I think I need to take a break from this and from life in general...I can't for the life of me understand how people can sympathize with child molesters...but that is the way things sadly are...

May 11, 2010
4:29 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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They say one uin four girls are abused before age 18...I believe its MUCH higher and when it hits home...its never in your family...people can't see what is right in front of them...

Its always someone else's family...this has me upset...I believe this is now not healthy to be here...I def need to break...

Thanks everyone...I appreciate the help A LOT. I can't come to a place where people think I am making up stories..and inner this is nothing aganist you....so please don't think that...
Be well...bfg

May 12, 2010
10:35 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Just wanted to check on you and let you know that I would never intentionally hurt you or anyone else.

Bitsy

May 13, 2010
6:51 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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oh goodness bitsy I know that bout you:) I enjoy our talks ALOT! How are you doing? I am fine...I get really depressed but I always bounce back too:)

May 15, 2010
8:28 am
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Barefoot Girl, I just read the online woes thread. Ma and several others posted to you. I think a lot of us are concerned about you right now. I know that having your friend talk to you about her niece have probably opened an old wound and you are dealing with that. No one here means to intentionally hurt you. They are just stating what they are stating. Billy has been around almost as long as I have. I have lost track of the twists and turns of his life, but he has had some pretty tough setbacks. He does give us a view into the male mind sometimes that I think can be very valuable.

Please sweetheart, don't run. Stay. Work on what is bothering you. I had a friend yesterday admit to me that she lost her virginity at 14 to the married next door neighbor. Can we all say PERVERT! My heart broke for her. She is now one of the most successful women I know. Our past doesn't have to define us. Keep doing the next right thing.

I know you are emotionally raw right now, but think about that. Why are you so raw righ now and what will help you heal?

I truly mean all the best to you.

Bitsy

May 15, 2010
9:54 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks bitsy...I Can tell your sincere and I like talking to you...its just the whole genereal male tude towards women my entire life...its not so much billy as it was what he said...

My entire life I heard the men and women abusers use the words sluts and whore to put down their victims...including myself...

ThE whole stereotype of if a woman sleeps with yoU too soon...is hurtful...I slept with my husband within a few weeks..I loved him...he was the ONLY person in this world who LOVED me...I felt as if I died and gone to heaven...he never judged me..

Before him I spent many years alone...I was always dumped for not having sex...so based on this..that is a prejudment of me or anyone...that does not mean I sold myself for pennies on the dollar...

My mother called me a whore a few times...I was not a whore...I was abused, lonely and suicidal...I just could not figure out what was wring with me...I felt as if I was an alien..many times I still feel so broken that I am ruined beyond repair...

Fyi...if anyone has posted to me in a hurtful way I would prefer you not pst again to me...I do not have the energy to debate...and please stop going around on other threads talking about me and lol that is hurtful to me...thank you.

May 15, 2010
10:04 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I also want to thank you for your post to me on THIS thread...
That shows a lot to me as your kind words;)

Taking my daughter to an outlet mall today...spring has arrived..

(((Bitsy)))

May 16, 2010
2:19 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((BFG)))

I support you doing whatever you need to in order to heal and feel better. If that means leaving, you will be missed, if that means staying then glad you are here. Only you know best what you need to do.

As far as being hurt, I'm sorry you feel this way and hope you can use it as an opportunity to learn a little more about yourself and your strength to move past it. A lot of people who are here, are here because they are struggling with something. Sometimes they are working to develop better communication with others. If they are still working on it, then they may still go back to negative communication. I understand being triggered and upset by another's words, I'm there myself often.

I've found it very helpful to step back from the situation and see the lesson behind the ugliness. Sometimes the lesson is that ignoring inappropriate or mean comments is the best action. Recognize when it is their problem to fix. You are worthy of seeking help here, if you want to. If someone here has said something to hurt you, it could be a chance to work on your own journey in how you deal with mean people. Don't let another person take away the opportunities for support, acceptance and insights found here.

May 16, 2010
9:32 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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(((chelonia mydas)))

you are an real inspiation to me...I really admire you, you certainly have a way with words, that are healing and fair...

I think i really need to reread things, step back and take care of myself...I think alot is going on here, and yes I do agree with what you said, all of it, its a mixed bag of sorts, it is what it is, and that is just the way things are...

Its kind of like being in real life nad I think that is why I do not venture out and have one friend in life, cause I am very wounded, and I take things personally and it is not always my fault, many times it is just human nature to gang up and attack when people do not understand for some reason.

I got the most bashings from groups of people in all places "the church" the religious people I met hurt me the most with these type of words...

I imagine alot of women who are "Whores" read here or even post, I imaigne now they might feel scared to post or maybe even left the site, I Know i have to go, its not helping me and its only a slap in the face, yes apologies are nice and I do appreicate the fact there was one, but like a nail, if a tree has been solered in them, you can pull the nail out but the damage is still there, you can not heal it, the tree dies...

And I do realize that I do get hurt very easily, this is my end of it, and I accept my part in this, the last thing is I wanted was to get upset, then have a trail of people posting with hate messages...no one likes to be ganged up on, no one...

SOmehow I did do this, and often I get venom from people who get upset cause i am in PAIN..gosh what do people want from me i think sometimes, I try, I cried from kindergarden mostly...alone on the playground wondering what was wrong with me, I still cry....that is why i say some damage can't be fixed...not for me...and I am not having a pity party nor do i want anyones pity...not into that...

but yes I do have to get out of here, its not helping matters here, I been told by my parents that i need to develop a thick skin and go back to church and get right with god, sorry, god left me long ago if he even existed and its not my fault i have thin skin...its who I am..and apparently who I Am does not mesh in life, so I will just disppear then..

THank you mydas and bitsy...for not postingn on the other thread and keeping things stirred up and being kind to me...your kindess does my heart good, restores faith in people for me some...

in peace and no ill feelings I will go, hugs to all, bfg

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