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Some damage can't be fixed....
May 10, 2010
9:57 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Sometimes a person can endure so much in life, that I feel that some things just can't be fixed and what can't be fixed is often the reason why I hold so much resentment towards the predators who hurt me, and others who have hurt me knowingly...esp when a child...

So what do you do with that that is not able to be fixed or healed? What do you do with it? I got very very depressed last night, kinda of scared myself, not to the point where i would take my own life, but kinda of going that direction...now I never would do that, for alot of reasons, so I am not saying I am thinking that way, cause I certainly not...

What got me very worried was that, I see this in other people too, Its as if we try to heal, but we can't heal competely, what do you with that? What if it keeps affecting your life and other people to the point where you feel you are an burden on others?

My poor husnamd works alot and goes out of town and yet I feel sorry for myself for being alone...I should be happy, I have a good life and sweet child who is everything to me...I feel bad for feeling bad....

I know that most here do not have the answers to this and prolly no one can answer that, I am gratful for the support I have found on here, very grateful for meeting you guys, I just wanted you to know that...

So what can help you at least feel better if you know you can never heal competely?
I self abuse, I have a disorder that leaves me with little hair, I am afraid of going bald, I am trying so hard to not do this, I have daalth with this disorder for 30 years, I see nothing changing for me at this point...

I have alot of issues from panic/anxiety and depression, I take meds, I been to therpahy...I try to think rationally and to be peacful and happy...but deep down I feel very sad...

I am also sorry to see so many struggle with things, I know the roots of where this came from, I know the dynamics with the family and it saddens me, I pray to god and I am not even that religious or evem know if i believe anymore, but i pray anyhow that my child will at least be happy...

but will she be? Can be so abused in life, and having so many problems not hurt her in the long run too? Can i be the perfect parent? No...I want too, but I can't be...she is my world, if I mess her life up cause I am depressed all the time, what will happen then? I really can't even deal with this anymore...I feel so sad..

Then other days, I am fine and I wonder why I even felt that way and then things are all better, what is wrong with me?

May 10, 2010
10:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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It might be menopause....I should prolly see if that is what is going on with me perhaps....thanks for reading my post.

May 10, 2010
10:01 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I hear you and I know to some degree how you feel. Do you have alopecia? If so there are some new meds on the market to help.

I have something I want to look up for you and I will get back here in a little bit.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
10:37 am
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chinadoll
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Hi Barefoot Girl,

I understand what you mean, some damage can't be fixed, no matter how much work we do and efforts we make.

What helps me is that I try to be grateful for what I have, and try really not worry so much about what I don't have. It's hard. I think we all have our ups and downs days. Some days are better than others, for all of us, I think.

I try to have acceptance. It helps to keep me from being resentful or holding grudges, which I almost never do. It doesn't help me to blame. I know who did me wrong, but I try to let it go, I don't want it to eat at me.

I don't think anyone can be the perfect parent. A good parent, a great parent, yes. But perfect? Not possible. We all make mistakes and learn from them. There is so much pressure for Moms nowadays. This society thinks that all Moms need to be "Super Mom", with the perfect house, the perfect husband, the perfect body, dressed perfectly, driving the perfect car, and raising perfect kids. Way too much pressure. Then, for women like me who don't have kids, people look at me like I have leprosy. There's too many expectations on women. We will never measure up.

My hair is also very fine and thinning, mainly due to genetics, but also I think I was stressed out for so many years from my abusive marriage. My ex tried to poison my food, and I had gotten really sick, and I don't think my hair was ever the same after that. I don't know what kind of treatments can make it better. I will probably be bald when I am old and grey. Then I will have to wear hats or scarves. My best friend, she had to have radiation treatment a few years ago, and her hair did not grow back in certain places, lots of bald spots. She wears hats or wraps most of the time.

I hope today goes well for you.

May 10, 2010
10:51 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Barefoot and anyone else who reads this thread, I am going to post something I have heard good things about. I do not have personal experience with it.
I do know we are not to discuss religion on this side. This is a Christian based program. Whatever your belief system is, really isn't any of my business. I am only posting this in the hope that it may help someone. Your mileage may vary:

http://www.grieftograce.org/

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
12:10 pm
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StronginHim77
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Well said, Bitsy.

BFG - There are, indeed, some things in life which no one (no doctor...no counselor...NO ONE) can fix. And that is why I am a minister. I wanted hope that the unfixable could be fixed.

- Ma Strong

May 10, 2010
12:51 pm
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Isis
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BFG,

I too have things that are so damaged, they will never be fixed. What I do is keep them compartmentalized in boxes of various different sizes. I label them, put a bow or a special something on them, and I leave them on a shelf in little closet. I have four boxes; Mother, Sister, Husband, and a small miscellaneous one, that I keep my own personal stuff in. The Mother and Sister boxes have a permanent space on the shelf. Honestly, I tried to go through them, but it was no use. So, I just keep them closed- for now, anyway.

Thinking of you,

Isis

May 10, 2010
5:24 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Such thoughtful kind responses...thank you guys...

Bitsy...its called trichotillomania...and thanks for the link too...
Chinadoll...gosh. I am so happy you got away...I too once poisoned once as a child...I am sorry.
Irsis...nice to meet you, that was an interesting concept you have about people and the issues you have....

I am kinda beat today...my good friend whom I have left told me asomething shocking today at lunch.mm

It was triggering too. Her brother is being accussed of raping his 14 year old...her sil and mom do not believe her...she told me she can't believe her brother would do this...

I had no idea what to think but it made me sick inside...she told me her niece lies a lot and has run away from home on several occassions.

Her brother and sil threw most her belongings out...except for what she needs.

Cps is now involved...she is worried about her brother being arrested now...I have no experience in the legal stuff cause I was way over age when I figured myt stuff out.

I honestly have a hard time bwelieving anyone would lie about that...but I do know there been cases...

What will happen to her niece? Her brother? Does anyone know...thanks.

May 10, 2010
5:29 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Ma...sorry forgot to thank you...

May 10, 2010
5:39 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I often try to remain appreciative of what is right in my life...I think that is what does get me through it all in life.

I think not having kids in this world affords a life of less stress and worry...I had one child cause I truly did not want to bring another life into this messed up planet of ours....

I do not think it makes you less of a woman...I know of many women who had actual liters of children and believe me they did ni service to them cause they are very ill prepared bad mothers...who are far from anyone I would admire...

I m worried...my friend is in pain and I have to do some resaearch on how to help her cause I believe she is in for a lot of heartache...so I may be on here less while I try to help her...

If anyone can tell me what her family is in store for and what I can say to help please let me know....this is going to be very hard on me cause I been accussed of being a liar of sexual abuse too and I had a very rough decade cvause of that

May 10, 2010
5:45 pm
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Barefoot, this is too much for you to take on. Don't do it. Your friend is just going to have to get through this the best she can. What you can do is share what happened to you and explain that this is difficult for you because you were accused of lying about it. If the child has issues and is lying I am sure somehow it will all come to light. If she isn't lying, then you sharing your story may help your friend be there for her niece.

My unsolicited opinion is that this is just to much for you to tackle right now.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
5:49 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Its hard for me to hear her stand by her brother...she said he is her brother...I understand that but what if she is wrong? Her sil stands by her husband...no one believes her.

No one believed me neither...mt whole family hated me bringing it up about one uncle....more to that but I mentioned just one uncle and I got attacked and osterized.

What if this girl is lying? What if her dad can not prove his innonence? Will he go to jail for something he did not do?

This is sad...all the way around.

What happens? Any socual workers here?

May 10, 2010
5:52 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Bitsy...we must of posted at the same time...I think you right about that as much as I want to help..it could put me back into my own personal hell again....I feel kinda of obessed with just thinkig about it too now:(

May 10, 2010
6:00 pm
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The police and social workers will figure it out.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
6:06 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I hope so...the girl is young...has run away from home, is having sex with older men in their home while people are asleep...doing poorly in school...is not responsiable and lies...

But isn't this common behavior in some girls who were raped?! Isn't it?!

May 10, 2010
6:08 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I don't think she is lying...

May 10, 2010
6:09 pm
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I don't know. For some yes. For me I have always been skittish around most men. Of course I wasn't raped. There was no penetration.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
6:10 pm
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{{{{Barefoot Girl}}}}}} I don't know what to say.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
6:16 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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The hugs help a lot...thank you...I need to talk here cause I have no one in face to face to run this by...

I see something familiar....I don't like the way they all assumed she is lying...my friend says she is just not sure...cause her neice does lie a lot.

But the moms reaction by throwing her stuff away...except her bed and a few newcessary items...that bothers me A LOT...maybe it should not.

May 10, 2010
6:20 pm
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Just keep posting and what I feel I can respond to I will. Maybe Chelonia will stop by. I know she was sexually abused as a child, maybe she will have some insight I do not. And Ma is always the voice of reason. I just don't know in this situation. I do know I would err on the side of caution and believe her until it was proven otherwise.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
6:24 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks (((bitsy))) I appreciate your posts to me here.

May 10, 2010
7:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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I have always believed that ANY minor who reports sexual abuse should be BELIEVED, until proven otherwise. ALWAYS. The consequences of not believing the child can be life-shattering for someone who has already had his/her innocence despicably destroyed.

Fortunately, most law enforcement investigative teams include trained professionals with special backgrounds in pediatric sexual abuse. Most social service agencies have the same. A thorough, time-consuming process of investigation will be initiated.

No charges will be filed without expert testimony from this investigative team.

I am so sorry that this has triggered your own, painful memories, BFG. Let us hope this child receives fair and proper support throughout the investigative process from both her family and the professionals assessing all parties involved.

- Ma Strong

May 10, 2010
8:00 pm
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chelonia mydas
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There are some things that forever change us. The perception that we are broken/unfixable is something I deeply relate to and struggle with but am trying so hard to change.

I've actually been thinking about this ALOT lately and have decided that being broken means that there is something wrong with me. But who decided that I am damaged/broken/unfixable??? I did!! So if I don't want to feel that way I have the power to fix it by changing my perception of it. I could choose to listen to society, but that too is my choice and I have the power to change that too. So I say screw society.

So I now choose to look at it as there have been many experiences in my life that have changed me forever. Some of them have been very good and given me skills/perceptions that have benefited my life while others have made my life more difficult. All of them are experiences in a life that I have LIVED and will continue living as best as I can.

To fall into the beleif that I am broken and unfixable gives me an excuse to lessen my life, to feel inferior, not good enough and some how less worthy than most other people. To accept that there are a myraid of experiences that have had a profound impact on my life gives me the strength to continue to live and engage in life fully, to feel equal to others and realize that we ALL have profound life changing experiences. They don't all have to be the same flavor to be just and strong and defining.

So just as an artists canvas was never meant to stay a bare white slate, our lives were meant to be lived and every color applied to the canvas changes it in a permanent way, some will fade with time, some can be painted over and some will always be visible. Accept your life's painting as just a reflection of where you have been, with the future open to new colors and experiences.

Hugs to all.

May 10, 2010
8:26 pm
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I would believe my child until it was proved otherwise.

Bitsy

May 10, 2010
8:47 pm
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sdesigns
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Nice post, Chelonia. Very inspiring.

sd

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