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sociopath, past issues, coda what do you think?
June 17, 2009
10:44 pm
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wireless28806
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Hello people...

I met her 1.5 years ago in Jan. In that time, she scratched a car in my driveway with a nail from bumper to bumper because she was jealous.. chased me in her car when I was on a bike, because she wanted me to listen, is very angry, manipulative, controlling.. says shehas no problems, I have the problem. If I talk to her about going to therapy, she gets very angry, and says she has no problems.. a month ago he stole an umbrella from a grocery store because she knew she could get away with it, and did. says shebroke her last boyfreinds nosebecause she didnt like what he said to her.. Oh.. drives 95 mph on a 55 mph highway when she is mad. Is very racist, judgemental. hates people. It is sad to know that you can tell people like this that you used to be the same way 20 years ago, and you are willing to help them to make the relationship better, andthey get angry.. she is 42 yers old.

Text book socio, psycho, personality disorder? I didnt want a relationship with her a year ago, but she insisted that we needed each other.

Should I get restrainingorder??

Thank You

DMS

June 17, 2009
10:55 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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"Text book socio, psycho, personality disorder?"

Does it matter? Hell, no! Your safety is the most important thing right now. Get her as far away from you as you can, restraining order if necessary.

Take a breather, then you might want to peer more closely at your own habits of self care to see what the situation was inside your own head that found you thinking it was OK to enter into a relationship that you yourself didn't want deep down.

You cannot change anyone else, only yourself and your reactions to other people. Let this one go and heal yourself. There will be piles of healthy, beautiful and loving people out there waiting for you *as soon as you're ready*. Hang in there.

June 18, 2009
9:48 am
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atalose
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Onlyboringontheoutside is correct, it shouldn’t matter what her problems/issues are because YOU are NOT going to change her or talk her into seeking help.

It doesn’t sound like you have a relationship with her at all, it sounds like you are her hostage? What part of being a hostage do you enjoy? Seeing you have been with her against your true will for 1 and ½ years now, what’s made you stay this long?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 18, 2009
1:31 pm
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wireless28806
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Hello people, and Thank You so much for responding!! My step mother died of cancer just about the time I met her, and I think I just needed somebody to be there for me. In the beginning it was so nice, but after time who she really was came to be. If I really think aabout it, she reminds me an aweful lot of my real mother.

Why wont I leave her? We have a lot of good times together, but she has a dark side. She tells me she can get away with anything because of her sweet innocent voice, and everybody at work thinks she is an angel. It is so hard at times to let go hen they blame youo, and abuse you, then turn around and pull you in and tell you that they love you. Then after you give in, you dont get the calls anymore, or the i loves you... I am moving all of my "stuff" back to my house. I know it will never work.

The worst thing is that when I talk to her about us, and never accuse her, but rather say, I have to work on some things, and i am trying to better myself because of some of my issues, lets work on this together..she gets so angry and says that there is nothing wrong with her, and that I need help. i am very good to this one. Of course she had a terrible childhood, so I understand..

June 18, 2009
1:42 pm
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CAMER
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IF you know the relationship won't work, why stay with her.

She does sound manipulative, controlling etc...but don't fall prey to her. She seems like she "thinks" she knows it all.

Why live your life like this, yeah, there may be good times, but what about all the bad times you mentioned, seems more like "crazy" times than anything.

You do have choices and from what you wrote, i think you are better off being apart and working on getting yourself healthy.

June 18, 2009
2:25 pm
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truthBtold
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wireless28806,

You said: "She reminds me an awful lot of my real mother."

Probably explains your initial attraction.

See, that is how this whole bundle of crap plays out! We are (usually) attracted to those sort of relationships which play out our unending, absent of closure with our family of origins IN AN EFFORT to vicariously use them as a means in which to obtain and attain the necessary closure and unfinished dynamis that we ourselves were never, really able to work on directly.

It's not uncommon at all.

As a matter of fact, what other choices do we have really in which to work out these emotions and stuff save from going to a therapist and allowing 'them' to be the surrogate parent type instead.

Stuff has just gotta have some closure.

I would venture to say that MANY of folks here (myself included) reallyhave no other option but to choose and be attracted to those folks which resemble the dynamics of our childhoos in an attmept to finally get some understanding, meaning and closure to it all.

Thing is - so are they. "They' meaning the person that the other has chosen.

If both of you are emotionally mature to recognize this 'dance' - then hey - more power to ya. If not, well, hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?

You know, I think it would be so much easier if this very, VERY common dynamic was just a given and readily acceptable in today's relationships. Would seem to me that it would make it much easier to understand all the way around.........then, knowing and having that - make it easier to understand and navigate thru. Just pretty much a common given.

Don't know if this helps much, wireless. Protect yourself at any cost DMS.

She sounds pretty unreasonable. When you are dealing with an unreasonable (and especially violent type) best to try and devise a plan in which to bow out gracefully for your own sake.

Like I suggested before to someone else here, might be best to try and end it in a manner which keeps you the safest in the long run.

This just might involve you having to so-call 'fess-up' in the relationship by accepting most of the responsibility and failures of the relationship in her eyes - even though that is not really the truth.

The truth, at this point and time is not the priority - your safety with an unreasonable, violent person IS!

See what you can do to just bow out gracefully - even if that means swallowing your pride temporarily in order to cut the cord in an ammicable manner - whatever you feel that might entail.......

Most important thing here is to keep yourself safe above all......

June 19, 2009
10:33 pm
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wireless28806
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June 19, 2009
10:38 pm
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wireless28806
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Maybe relationships are just what they are, and only are to be figured out, like a game. Maybe we in this group only know the real truth of this game. Maybe growing up in a dysfunction was a gift. What are we now, the abuser, or the victim. When do we change roles? The dance... Maybe this is just life. We just need a balance. I am trying to find me, and be comfortable. have my own life, and hobbies, only to have me... a relationship with me, because I wont let me down, and will do my best to trust me...

June 20, 2009
12:18 pm
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atalose
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I wouldn’t want to look at relationships as a game that would indicate that someone has to win and someone has to lose.

Just because someone blames us for their own misguided behaviors and habits doesn’t make us an abuser. Just because a relationship doesn’t work out doesn’t make us victims either unless of course that is how we chose to view ourselves.

Maybe finally understanding dysfunction, what it is and how we got it and how we DO have a choice to over come it………….is the gift.

Trusting ourselves and our instincts is where we can find balance. Cautiously investing in another person instead of investing everything is also key to balance and peace and happiness.

Us codes with our dysfunctional habits often blindly trust, desperately invest everything we have in order to meet our ill expectations that someone else is responsible for our happiness.

Starting to trust yourself and letting go of past behaviors and habits that have not worked is moving forward and I believe you are realizing this.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 21, 2009
12:06 pm
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wireless28806
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atalose...

My days at times are often misguided by confusion, anger, then patched with love, and kindness. I am learning to detatch from what makes me confused, and emotionally drained. I know in the end it wont work. Right now I am letting go slowly, and learning to yrust me, and listen to my instinct which I have never done before... and knowing that I am not trusting me only brings me back to many memories of saying to myself... if only I trusted myself...

Thanks.. everybody

June 22, 2009
8:21 am
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wireless28806
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June 26, 2009
11:09 pm
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wireless28806
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June 26, 2009
11:11 pm
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wireless28806
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June 27, 2009
9:42 am
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Lanigirl
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Atalose,

I'm going to keep your words in my head. That's exactly what I've been working on. I have desperately invested my whole self in many people and now I'm taking a step back. I believe people sense that desperation.

I keep the questions running in my head: Does it bring me joy and balance?

I watch the Dog Whisperer. Not just for the dog tips but he keeps saying that calm, assertive energy keeps your place in the pack and balance is needed. Works in life.

June 28, 2009
10:39 pm
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wireless28806
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You are all right about this one...

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