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So who wins?
October 6, 2009
9:53 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Does R win because he has moved on and moved in with another woman and her child and they are traveling and doing all the thing we used to do or do I win because I am by myself living alone and not interested in anyone. Win, lose or draw?

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
9:57 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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there is no win when you compare yourself to other people. are you personally a better person than you were yesterday? Then you win!

October 6, 2009
10:05 pm
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fantas
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Was is it a competition? That fact that he is doing stuff doesn't mean he is happy. The you are spending thinking about him and what he is doing, you could be spending caring for yourself.

October 6, 2009
10:30 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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You win. He's stuck with the booby prize: himself!

October 6, 2009
10:43 pm
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andii
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You win. You didn't settle for less than you deserve and someday, you will have exactly that.

andii

October 6, 2009
10:58 pm
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Stacers
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You Win! You can be a better person and walk away from his disease. You Win! You can find someone that you truly love and that truly loves you. You Win! You will have self love and self respect.

He loses...he is stuck with himself and he is not a happy person.

October 6, 2009
11:29 pm
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marypoppins
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My most recent XBF and my XH are both in new relationships with women willing to accept what I wouldn't. That makes those other women better for them.

I'm looking for someone else now. I'm not even totally sure what kind of man he might be because I'm still learning about myself.

I know that I don't want to get lost in another person or begin doubting the self worth I've gained. I don't want another "fixer-upper". For now, I'm enjoying the peace of my own home and my freedom.

Mary

October 7, 2009
7:25 am
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darkeyes
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bitsy im giving advise you gave me,"get a grip" what do you care if R has moved on with someone else, has he changed so much, that he's going to treat this other woman any different than he did you,NO. if you want to bring it to win or lose, without question you have won cos your well away from him, and you wont let yourself be disrespected or treated badly by him anymore. your in healing mode right now and that also will pass and a whole new world opens up for you.. keep loveing yourself and in time you will find peace..(((hugs))

October 7, 2009
9:16 am
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atalose
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Bitsy,

There is always going to be someone better then us or worse then us when we judge and compare. If we feel someone is less then us, it some how makes us feel better. If we judge someone else to be better then us, we feel inferior – setting that downward spiral in motion.

I think what Tiger mentioned about asking yourself, are you personally a better person then you were yesterday is extremely important.

Your life is not about R or his life or the life of the person he is with unless you keep putting yourself there, defining yourself based on him and his current relationship by comparing what you don’t have and what he does.

You're assuming this woman is just like you, has the same needs as you etc. Maybe she doesn't need to feel "respected" like you did. Maybe she needs to be with someone who is selfish and unavailable and a known cheater. See? It's absolutely fruitless to imagine that his relationship with her is like yours but "better." Impossible, 2 people bring 2 unique sets of needs, attitudes and behaviors to a relationship.

It would appear that you still have things to learn from that experience with R and when you’ve learned all you need to learn you will move away from it. Your emotions will no longer be tied to him, there will be no more comparing and the amount of times he enters your thoughts will be scarce and far and few.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 7, 2009
10:23 am
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darkeyes
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well said atalose, i can also learn from this...

October 7, 2009
10:24 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Bitsy,

How about reminding yourself of the bad stuff about R? It sounds like you're focusing on the good things. Possible to find a travel group?

October 7, 2009
10:47 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I just had a really down moment last night and posted that before I went to bed. I have been in a 12 step recovery group and am dredging up things I had stuffed down. That came bubbling to the surface last night. I have been brutally honest over on the other side that I come here and "put on a happy face" when I am just as damaged and have just as much to work on as the next person. I have been struggling with loneliness right now, but I do not want to "just settle" for any old person out there. Some days it just gets to me.

No it isn't a competition. I just wanted some reassurance that I am on the right path but didn't quite know how to phrase the question. When I am "sane" I know I am better off. When I am lonely and feeling sorry for myself---I am lonely and feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for being here.

Bitsy

October 7, 2009
2:04 pm
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darkeyes
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bitsy, its ok to be down, its ok to say im vulernable and i just want to know someone cares, i do..you are sane pet, its situations we find ourselfs in that are insane!!!!you are on the right path for you...posted on your other tread.

October 7, 2009
3:06 pm
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Terriberry
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Bitsy,

Funny how our minds, take us to a place where we always think that the other person, is happy in their new situation. But the truth is that if he hasnt taken any action to improve how he treats women, then it's logcial to assume that things have not changed much for him.

Reguardless, of a new relationship, he is more likely going to repeat the same old unhealthly behavior. We do better when we know better.

And that is what your doing, getting to a point where your starting to look at a better way to deal with things.

Your taking action, to change the way unhealthy behavior, your going to a support group, your questioning old behavior, greifing past losses,... your on the road to recovery, healing and a fuller happier life.

Hands down ..... YOU WIN !!!

October 8, 2009
2:47 pm
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StronginHim77
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I think you hit the nail on the head when you connected this resurgence of bad feelings with the 12-step program you are working. The psychologist who did me the most good taught me that I had to face the "really bad experiences and the feelings they generated," before I could heal. In other words, I was gonna feel lousy at times during the process of therapy and healing.

This too shall pass. There WILL come a time when your recollections or thoughts about R are few and far between. Eventually, they will fade to nothingness. In the meantime press forward with the wonderful work you are doing to recover. And quit wondering about how HE is doing. If he hasn't done the work of recovery, himself, his relationships will all continue to have the same, lousy outcome.

- Ma Strong

October 8, 2009
4:21 pm
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I just want to be "normal". I want a family and someone to come home to. I want someone to tell about my day. I want to listen to their day. I want someone I can travel with. I have this list of wants and don't know what to do about them. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep for a week or so at a time and not think.

Bitsy

October 8, 2009
5:13 pm
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marypoppins
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The life you have right now is a lot more than many other people have. Look at your life in the context of all the possible lives all over the world, and you'll see how lucky you are. This life you're living right now is Cat's childhood. Before you know it, she'll be off to college.

It sucks you and the rest of us had the starts we had in life, but again, not as bad as others have had. But now you have the chance to make your life the best it can be. I suggest you focus on what is good and wonderful and count your blessings. Being able to work at the beach, for example, is something many people dream of.

Yes, you have wants. Who doesn't? But keep coming through for yourself. Life is a big adventure, and being strong and showing courage in the face of challenges is character building. Stop expecting life to be easy. Expect it to be challenging and be grateful when it's NOT so difficult.

Cat will NEVER turn back and feel indifferent towards you. You're her HERO!! She'll remember that you didn't give up, that you didn't stay in an unhappy marriage, that you sought to learn about yourself and grow, that you did your best at all times to have a warm and comfortable home for her, that you had a pet even though it would be cheaper not to, that you tackled the job market and constantly improved your skills to provide for yourself and for her, AND most importantly, that you cherished her and spent time with her. She KNOWS she's loved, and she's developing confidence and strength and self love. She's learning to depend on herself - one of the very best gifts you can give her.

What you have already, Bitsy, is so very much.

And I'm writing this for th both of us. I know it's tough. I know it's scary. I've been reading all of your posts, and I get it. But the glass is half full.

Love,

Mary

October 8, 2009
6:02 pm
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Thank you Mary. That is what I have been wanting to hear.

Bitsy

October 9, 2009
11:12 am
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StronginHim77
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Mary nailed it. KUDOS!!

- Ma Strong

October 9, 2009
12:35 pm
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I went to a wine tasting/professional mixer at the wine shop R and I used to go to. They moved and opened a new store. I had never been to the new store before last night. Didn't want to run into R and GF. I avoided it and any other place I was likely to see him. The guys who own the shop were very happy to see me and gave me the Grand Tour. I told them I had stayed away for obvious reasons and I wasn't likely to come back but I was happy they had such a fabulous shop.

Bitsy

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