Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
So, what the hell do I do with my life now?? Soulsister
July 19, 2006
2:11 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, most of you know me..and my story..

39 years old..divorced from one addict..have one 10 year old son. Had a relationship with an alcoholic for 4.5 years..ended that relationship. Then found, what I thought..and still sometimes feel to be, my soulmate. Had a baby..who is now 3 1/2. On and off for the past 2 years of our almost 5 year relationship. He is 10 years younger than me..and a meth addict. He has just been sentanced to 4.5 years..and I'm feeling stuck in limbo.

I love him..but I don't know what the future holds. I don't feel that I can wait that long for someone..to have him get out and battle with the drugs again. I really want it to work..but I am lonely and don't want to be alone. Come to think of it..even when he wasn't encarcerated I always felt alone. All I ever wanted was to be with someone..have a family and be loved..have a companion..a partner..someone who would be there at the end of the day. Someone to wake up next to.

I have been seeing this 22 year old. I guess I was desperately searching for companionship. What started out to be a one night stand..is turning into more. Problem number one..he is 17 years younger than me. Problem number two..he is getting married 8-15. He had told me that he was engaged..but that she had ran off to another state..and the wedding was off. Well, she has kept planning it anyway. He doesn't want to get married..but he will. I'm sure of it. But, where does that leave me??? I do know that it was very unlikely that some great relationship was going to come of it..mostly because of the age...but god..I am so comfortable with him..and enjoy his company..and in the back of my mind..I really hoped it would be something..it was fantasy..I guess.

I'm left feeling..that I am able to meet people...they think I'm pretty..fun..a great mom..a great person..fun in bed..but not quite good enough to LOVE or MARRY!

I just really don't know what to do at all with my life..I hate getting older..I hate being single..I hate the way my life has turned out..I just feel so stuck..and SO ALONE!

Love Soulsister

July 19, 2006
2:47 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

perhaps it's time to set the bar higher?

instead of giving your heart to guys who can't do anything with it - find someone who will treasure it, treat it like gold and treat you like a treasure that you are.

set your standards higher - don't give your heart away to someone that won't give his back in return.

I know about that whole "having fun with a young guy" thing - I did it when I turned 30 - was messing with a 23 year old - it was fun - and we both agreed it was only for fun - but once I spent some time with him - I got attached - I loved the attention and the affection...I CRAVED more. But he was firm and walked away when I got crazy, and was asking for too much...so I can relate on how it is easy to "attach".

Have you read "women who love too much"?????? AWESOME find - and it really answered alot of questions for me, and put me on the path I am on.

The real answer to your question is "keep on keeping on". Keep trying - someday you will get where you want to be....just be careful not to repeat the same mistakes....and try something different this time.

July 19, 2006
2:53 pm
Avatar
feelingfree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((Soul))

You've been hit with alot in the last few weeks. Your emotions must be at an all time high. I know mine would be under the circumstances. This is most likely, why you're feeling so confused.

I am also 39. I was also married/divorced to an addict (19 years). I can relate on that end.
I hear what you're saying about hating being single, hating the way life has turned out, and hating feeling stuck. Was there too.

So much I could say, but I'm going to make it more 'to the point'.
Your 39, but your life is far from 'over'. I'm not going to tell you to find new hobbies, or pretend life is just 'beginning' and start over. What I recommend is taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME.

This 'relationship' you have going-- be careful with your heart. If you know for sure he's going to get married, then don't get any closer. You do not need more disappointment then you've already had.
End it on a friendly level.

Anyway- back to one day at a time..
live each day to the fullest. Focus on yourself and your family. Enjoy your friends and your times out as much as you can. The rest will fall into place.. we cannot control it.. it just happens.

People always told me I would meet someone when I least expected it. Well, all I met were total losers that made my ex-H look like an angel,
Even WITH his addiction.. haha
But what did happen- was my Ex-H is clean for 4 months now- and we are spending alot of time together. Didn't see that one coming!!

You're going to be ok- I promise.
We all go thru changes in our lives.. (shit- I got divorced after 19 years together?? never thought I'd be single at 39 either!)

(((hugs)))

July 19, 2006
2:54 pm
Avatar
thumkin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Amen. I am the last person to give advice because Im close to being in the same boat you are in and I have been in the same boat you are in before. I will say though if you can find any comfort in not being alone you are not alone.

When my ex went to prison I tried in the beginning to hold on but I needed more than letters and a few phone calls that costed me mega bucks. I missed him sooooo much. I went a little crazy at first trying to find him in every man I met. He was wonderful to me....except that he went out and broke into peoples cars and got sent to prison leaving me alone..... anyhow I still miss what he and I had and that was over 10 years ago.

Its not the same kind of missing now though. I wonder how hes doing. If hes happy. I know hes married with kids, or at least he was when I accidentally ran into him about a year ago. I think of our time together and it makes me smile. I am glad that I didnt wait, because in the end I may have ended up hating him and now he is just a fond memory. Dont have too many of those.

I hope this helped some.

July 19, 2006
3:57 pm
Avatar
Obligato
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Not an expert in any sense of the word but something that has helped me is worst case scenario. What are you most afraid of? If its being alone, what do you mean by being alone? Emotionally alone, physically alone? Another thing I've learned is some of my worst decisions were made out of fear and desperation. I feel for you and hope whatever decision you make gives you sincere happiness.

July 19, 2006
4:24 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It just seems that everything has changed..I'm older..so I don't look at things the same. I would never have been with someone else..while I still am with someone. Granted..we have been on and off..and both have gone our seperate ways. Right now..B thinks I am with him...and I think that it would be fine..if I knew..it was a short period of time. Or I knew he would get out..and work..and help support us. I just don't know how come I can so easily be with someone else. I do think part of it is physical...and that was all fine too, until Mr 22 started saying waht a great person I am..and grat mother..and how much he enjoys being with me. He makes great money, is very responsible..owms a home..a nice car..and always calls..ditches his frineds to be with me. ALl of the things..I really want B to be..and do for me..and never has.

I'm just so afraid to waste any more time..being with something that will never be what I want or need. I really didn't want to have feelings for this guy..I thought maybe it would just give me some of the attention I needed..make me smile a little..knowing that someone thought I was attractive..and when he wanted to spend more time with me..it was so hard to not want to ..and then to enjoy it so much..it was hard to not hope it could become something more. Which..I feel it has..and neither of us expected..

We are going away for the weekend..I'm looking forward to it..and I am afraid I will fall even harder...

He will get married...and he will be thinking about me..and I will be hurt..

Thank you all for your responses..It is so helpful to know that people have been through similar things..and understand the confusion you are feeling..and that you aren't going crazy..

Love you all...Soulsister

July 19, 2006
4:47 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

soul, you mentioned only falling for this guy recently.

could it be you are falling for him because you know you can't have him?

we always seem to want what we can't have.

perhaps you fall for guys you KNOW aren't available - the guy in prison, this guy getting married.......

that book I recommended - women who love too much - goes into great detail of WHY we do this.

For one - perhaps it is US who fear commitment - so we find guys who we KNOW won't ask for one.

For two - perhaps we grew up with emotionally unavailable fathers/mothers - and we are repeating history.

For three - if we DID grow up with emotionally unavailable parents - we are "recreating" the situation, in hopes we can change the outcome and have the person choose US this time - love us back - in effort to make the past failures feel better.

There is a good reason for picking guys who are unavailable - and no matter what we THINK we want (commitment), perhaps we are frightened of it in the end?

On another note - you are falling for a guy who is sleeping with you while planning to marry someone in a month. Now, if that guy suddenly chose you - would you REALLY want a partner who is willing to cheat on his fiance, a MONTH away from his wedding????? Even if he did choose you, I think you would be settling for a person with poor qualities - despite the material things he offers.

Being lonely sucks - but being heartbroken REALLY sucks - it's up to you to fix it - not a man.

July 19, 2006
5:08 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Alicat..

I can't believe how right on you are..in what you said. I have known some of these things..but haven't really thought it all out..in the way you put it.

I know I have tried to recreate the situation..for them to choose me..over drugs..over friends..I have always failed, of course. Except for B having to choose me..because he is jail.

I have let him go..when I thought I had another...and when he met someone..I would run back..telling him how much I loved him..and wanted him..and he has always come back..I get so hurt when I think about how much I do love him..and wish that he wasn't an addict..and the thought of him loving someone else..has always sent me back..grabbing of for dear life. He even had a girlfriend when he got arrested. He has since..chosen me..but I wasn't satisfied because I think he chose me..because I was the only one there..THAT HURTS..

I guess..this young guy..I really didn't think this was possible..I was positive he would never even call again. SURPRISE!! He keeps calling. And yes, I have definately thought about the fact that he is cheating..but I think..so am I..and I really don't know if that means you don't love someone. Just maybe that you are searching for something that is missing. Whether it is sex..or love..or companionship..it is definately a longing for something you are missing with the person you may love. I don't think he thought he would care about me..I think he likes my maturity..and openess. Maybe..that is something she doesn't have. She is 23.

I don't know..it is so hard to figure out..why we do the things we do!! Just when I think I've done it all..a new obsticle comes into my life..like B going to jail for 4.5 years..and me trying to figure out what to do?? I never thought this would be my life..or a decision I would have to make. Or whether it is fair for me to move on..and try to love someone else?? I don't want him to know..so he will have hope and feel that someone does love him..which I do!

Love Soulsister

July 19, 2006
5:13 pm
Avatar
thumkin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dont give them false hope while they are in prison. My ex bf told me that hurt him more than anything else in the world. He said every day guys in there get the letter from the gf or the lawyer telling them that it is over, but the ones who sit there and say not me man my girl is waiting for me are the ones that look the biggest fool when that letter comes and it hits them really hard.

July 19, 2006
5:23 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My problem is..that I really do love him..I just know that I need someone..who is there for me. If, If, IF..too many of those..If he can stay clean..if he will change when he gets out..if he will work.

I remember..after my first divorce..I prayed that I would find someone who was not a drug addict. I met and alky...then I prayed I would find someone who just loved me. Well, B..that is ALL he has ever done. He has always loved me..but he didn't help support me..he wasn't there for me..he barely ever came to see his son..he just kept using drug..and I just kept expecting less, and less..pretty soon...I just excepted the love I could get..and never asked for anything else. Just excepted him..for what he was..I guess, I just stopped myself from feeling..in hopes that some day ..he would hit rock bottom..and be all of those things I had always wanted..because he did always love me...and now..he is gone...pretty much..

Soulsister
\

July 19, 2006
5:52 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Soul...Im so sorry I dont have any advice right now but I really wanted to say hello and give you a big cyber hug

(((((Soul))))))

much love

July 19, 2006
5:58 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Sleepless))) Hugs back to you...

How are you?? I haven't seen you around much..

Love Soul

July 19, 2006
6:09 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Havent been on much...I have been feeling really low and struggling with stuff and to be honest i feel like im always moaning and not doing anything about it....

We had a nice weekend, we actually went away for a few days without our kids...it was kind of nice and i tried to really talk to him about how things are for me...I thought he was listening; really listening this time. He seemed so anxious to get it right....he was sweet and funny and tender....I started to feel a little of the old feelings creeping up on me, some warmth and closeness. I felt a little hopeful.

But within a few moments (literally) of our arrival home he had reprimanded one of our kids so harshly and unfairly that one of the other kids really was outraged...and showed him. She stood up to him and flew at him and every word she said was true and i was proud of her for defending her sister and ashamed of him for his behaviour.

And I had to let him know that i couldnt back him up,...he was being very unfair and totally totally wrong....and I got to thinking ..he knew I had missed the kids, he knew how much i was looking forward to seeing them...how could he spoil our weekend with so little thought by having 2 of them in tears...and how could he be so hard on kids who are such great young people ...(amazingly)

And they are HIS kids.....what on earth is wrong with him?

So Im afraid that I have almost reached a decision about what I must do...I dont know the hows or whys or wherefors....I dont know the timeframe..

But I think I have decided that this is the end for me.

I spoke to my kids..well the oldest 2 anyway...they are very supportive. I really think we have to go...I dont think I can try any more.

And if it was this one isolated incident i could probably get over it...god knows i have got over far worse...but coming so soon after our weekend ...I dunno.

Its the drip drip drip really...20 years of harshness and not being good enough ...

Im just not too sure exactly what i will do and i didnt really wanna talk too much because i feel like im always complaining but not changing things and Im sure people will get fed up with me

July 19, 2006
6:57 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

anyway soul take care..

tomorrow might be a whole lot better....remember what that card your friend gave you said.......

July 19, 2006
7:17 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OOOH...(((Sleepless))) I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Isn't it wierd..how there is a part of someone..we can love so much..and another part we despise(sp) I know..with B..there is this loving very affectionate person..who makes me feel so good about myself. THe other is this drug addict..who is selfish..and hurtful..and absent. It is so hard to leave the good part of them..but..I guess we have to decide whether we are happy enough.with the bad part, too. Sometimes..we come to realize..the little bit of happiness and good just isn't worth the misery....

I have left an 11 year relationship..and it is very hard..I remember all too well. I am here for you..whatever your decision..I'm sure it will be the right one for you... šŸ™‚

July 19, 2006
7:24 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ah Thanks Soul...I am so tired with it all...I feel like the life is being sucked out of me

take care...Im hoping for a better brighter day tomorrow for all of us

July 19, 2006
7:34 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, i guess, things won't change for us..if we don't make them change, right?

Love ya...Soul

July 19, 2006
7:34 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sssoooo right ssssoooooulsister!!

love you too

July 19, 2006
7:55 pm
Avatar
smarterone
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Soul
I know you love "B", but its not really "B" you love, its the dreams you wanted with "B". Does that make sense. I always wanted a family, so with my first i had two boys, after 20 years we divorced. Never thought it would happen. Then i was married to the one in prison, and when i first met him what he loved about me was the family type, good cook, good mother to my kids, everything the mother of his 3 wasnt. Then when we started living together he was on work release from a previous stay that i didnt know him at the time. As soon as he got out, and we settled, he didnt want the kids around. The family dinners stopped, the arguing anad jealousy, destroying things, hitting me. My older one left. I havent spoke in 6 yrs to him, as long as you go back with him, im gone. He is.
My other one, the one im always rescuing, well now this week is back and for now normal. But this had an effect on him too. They are very selfish people.
Now.....Mr 22. Did you ever ask him how he feels about getting married while he must have some feelings for you. I mean, whats he going to do, break up with you the eve before the wedding, or sneak to see you.
Have you ever considered something like Parents without Partners. At least try something like that. How bad can it be?
I really feel a bond, cause people dont understand, what happens to the person left behind.
Its been 5 years and my life has been a ball of confusion. He left me with a house that was taken, a business and the trucks taken, my cars taken, bills up the kazoo, enemies that he screwed borrowing money, a messed up son, and a confused me.
Please think it over, but enjoy the time you have. i wont let myself feel guilty anymore, and that is just starting to be me. It took pain and suffering. Well Good luck and keep in touch.

July 19, 2006
10:16 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Soul: I am so sorry you're feeling so down. You are such a sweet and caring person, you give so much of yourself- I know this by your posts here. Maybe you could show the same caring you show for others for yourself? Ali nailed it above about looking for unavailable men. There's only heartache attached to these men, and since you seem to understand your pattern now, try to make an effort to change it. There's a terrific book "How to Spot A Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra Brown, that goes into how to identify the unavailable man and why we are drawn to them I think since you already recognize this, you would gain tremendous insight. The "dangerous" part doesn't necessarily mean physically dangerous- mostly emotionally dangerous. The book helped me a lot in gaining new perspective.

I think you'r headed for trouble w/ Mr 22-he's getting married. It feels good- it hurts- it feels good- it hurts- you know how it goes. Please be careful with your heart.

Love, SD

July 19, 2006
11:09 pm
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Smartertone...

I really appreciate your posts. They are "your Story" and I really take everything that you say to heart. I have been afraid at how my relationships will effect my sons. My oldest has a pretty good dad..but he gives me a hard time..and gets jealous. He really started to care about B..even though he would never admit to it. But, I am always afraid of him getting into trouble when he gets older. I am not the greatest mother..I take a lot of my anger out on my kids..I'm a yeller. I think coming here has helped to release things..so they don't come out at my children Little B..shit..I don't even know what I'm going to do...to make up for his dad being gone. I blame myself for allowing myslef to have a baby with someone I knew was so screwed up. I really did have dreams with him..that he would love us enough to stay clean.

He and I just talked about that tonight. What he screwed up..and what we had..and still could have..had his choices been different. I was playing..and chugging a cooler through the phone..and said. listen to what you're missing..GULP GULP..then burped. Nice and romantic eh?? He cracked up! Then I told him he was a fucker for screwing it all up!! He said he knew..and he was sorry. TOO LATE NOW!!

Sd...Thank you for saying such nice things..that definately made me smile...and feel good... šŸ™‚ I need to get that book..and the other one that was suggested..and codependent no more, too.

I know..Mr. 22 will be gone soon..and maybe I'll throw myself into reading for a couple of weeks..to help to get over it..I do know...I will survive...damn it..whether I want to or not!!

Love ALL OF YOU....Soulsister

July 20, 2006
1:13 am
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

B just called and said.he found out tonight..that he only has 213 days left in county..I could tell he was feeling much better about that.we thought he had over a year left..then he gets moved to a prison..and hopefully he can do a boot camp..and get out earlier. I hope so..for his little boy... šŸ™

Love you all...Soul

July 20, 2006
9:44 am
Avatar
smarterone
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Soul, i so worry about you cause it brings up my past and the ups and downs. I dont know what the system is like in your state but here in florida, they play with your head. I dont want you to get your hopes up, sorry to sound negative but i want you to get something going so that you are ready and not left stranded as i was. One day is too long. Shit happens, never know when an emergency pops up. Will he be there. Find an agency to help you at this time. There are organizations on the computer for families of prisons. Never know. By the way....Im a yeller too. You know what that is, built up frustration. I took all that i was going thru on the kid.

July 20, 2006
10:34 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't think putting your life on "HOLD" for 4.5 years because of a mistake HE made is fair to you.

Look out for you.

I know he's your son's daddy....and that will never change.

But you need a partner who is available to participate in your life - and not have to wait. Life is precious, and the time flies.

I know it's also comfortable to know you have someone waiting - like a security blanket....but this one can't really do much for you....if you were in a car accident, could he rush to your side? if you were sick, could he run to the pharmacy to get you some medicine? when it's your birthday, can he bring you flowers and take you to dinner? when you are tired and had a bad day, can he rub your feet and help you with the chores?

I think you are cheating yourself out of what you deserve by waiting for him....and when he gets out, he will have an "adjustment" period, where things are going to be chaotic....I think you should let him worry about his stuff, and focus on what YOU need....without relying on a man for happiness.

July 20, 2006
10:41 am
Avatar
Soulsister
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Alicat..

He wasn't really there for me..for any of those things..even when he wan't incarcerated..especially during the last 2 years..when he went farther and farther into his addiction...

I believe he wants his life to be different..but I don't know if he has it in him..to stay clean..he needs to get a lot of help..and I don't know if he'll get it..or if he even wants it.

Thank you for responding..everything that is posted helps me with my thoughts..and decisions..on my future..it is so appreciated.. šŸ™‚

I wish my life was simple...

Love Soul

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
50 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 108000

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38527

Posts: 714163

Newest Members:

Avalanchedxq, gtnfyzDazy, ufkkfDazy, uthvfgeape, vfqfDazy, bdfyfDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer