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So tortured
February 14, 2007
8:56 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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My wife and I just broke up;we had our commitment ceremony on last Halloween. I messed up majorly, and it's a deal breaker for her, so we will not be getting back together according to her. I am totally heartbroken, and of course part of this is probably the codependency. We still live together, sleeping in the same bed because of living situation. I drive her nuts because I want to be near her, talk to her, etc. I get this anxious feeling in my chest when she's around, and sometimes when I think about her. I know I need to move on, but I so want things to work out...ya know? She told me to get my own place, which I am saving up for, and I am terrified of it because I have never lived alone before. I don't know how to be alone so much. She's older than me, and says she's set in her ways. If she's in a bad mood and I try to talk to her or whatever, she'll have this b***** tone in her voice and act put out to talk to me. I know she's selfish;she admits it. It so hurts that she seems to be moving on already (changing her status on Myspace to single, here for dating and serious relationships). She just completely broke it off last Thursday (the day before my birthday), I would think she would need more time....she's a very inward person, though, so who knows? Uggh! Has anyone else been through this?

February 14, 2007
9:03 pm
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truthBtold
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NTDWM,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling tortured.

How long have you two been together? What exactly was the "deal breaker?" (if you don't mind my asking?)

What is the age difference?

You know, living on your own for the first time isn't always a bad thing.

Do you have a stable form of income?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to find out a little more about your situation.

(((((HUGS))))))

February 14, 2007
9:14 pm
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doubledilemma
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needing, I am sorry and I feel for you. But she is not healthy to be doing this and may be acting out of spite you, to deal with her difficult feelings and hurt towards you. IT is not the end of the road for you guys, yet, though.

Obviously, there has been some major communication difficulties which have lead to this state of affairs.

What have you read or know about co-dependency?

Can you see the delusion and shallow thinking in her behaviour. She thinks finding another man is going to be the solution instead of focusing on her "selfishness", as if another man is somehow going to be oblivious to her faults because they are going to have so much fun and be so perfect for each other that the hard stuff won't come up again eventually. Can you see that? It is just wishful and delusional thinking on her behalf.

I suggest you try Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. It will give you some ideas or google under Amazon for others. Melody Beattie also writes and there are online sites, too. (I know these names are confusing!!) Robert Burney is another man who has dealt with it. If I am correct about his name, please google to find his website. It will give you a male perspective, at least.

I know the pain is hard to deal with. Breathe and breathe through it.
I am no good at emotional pain, others on here are better.

Wish you well, keep posting!

February 14, 2007
9:16 pm
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Hi NTD,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this right at the time of your birthday and Valentine's Day. Seems to make everything worse, doesn't it?

I also am curious about the same questions truthB asked, and hope you will stick around this website and share your story. There are some very kind, caring and smart folks here who give excellent support. Welcome. And hugs from me, too (((NTD)))

February 14, 2007
9:48 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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Ok. Just to let y'all know, I am not male, I am female...yes this was a *stage gasp* lesbian relationship. She is one of those pple who don't talk about their feelings much, but write about it. I invaded that privacy....that's worse than cheating to her. She has made it perfectly clear the most involved she wants to be is friends. She's 9 years my senior. I see that she has issues she needs to face; she wont change. I am one of those pple who go out of my way to please someone and "make them like me"....apologizing unneccessarily, doing what the other person wants, etc. It drives her nuts sometimes...well, alot. Ugh. I want to work on a deeper realationship soo bad, after I "fix" me. Just dating eachother.....*sigh*. She says she's confused about her sexuality now, and I am afraid to ask her again (since she changed her Myspace) if shes still in love with me because asking a question more than once pisses her off.
I am so afraid of being alone....I think some of my fear of sleeping/spending time alone in an apartment comes from me coming home to my house being robbed and growing up out in the country where your nearest help is quite a ways away.
The websites I have visited listed the "symptoms", and I have 99% of them. I don't have a sense of self or self esteem, I put others before me 99% of the time....etc.

February 14, 2007
10:01 pm
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Hi NTD,

Thanks for the additional details. There may be some issues that arise in particular in lesbian relationships, but a lot that applies across the board to all intimate human loving relationships in our f**ked up culture.

Ha ha yes, the stage gasp. I remember when kd lang revealed at a concert that she was a L......awrence Welk fan :o)

Welcome aboard.

February 14, 2007
11:06 pm
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truthBtold
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NTDWM,

Well, ya know.....trying to please people, apologizing unneccessarily and doing what the other person wants is for the birds -right????

Gay, Straight or Bi....makes no difference.

There are just simply loads of unstable folks out there - regardless of their sexual orientation - though I do admit, that being gay had its own layer of trials, tribulations and issues.

However, that being said, the bottom line is how you feel. What do you want in a relationship?

If she's confused about her sexuality, that may be true. Could also be a cop-out too. I dunno.

You invaded her privacy and she is a private person. Maybe trampled upon some of her trust issues, to be sure.

I think the key here is intention and motivation. Did you do it to try and become closer to her since she is so closed off? My sense is that you did. Does she know this?

Is there really a stong love and foundation here worth trying to save? How long have the two of you been together?

Maybe in the end, she's just not the right one for you. Maybe she is - I dunno.

You can bring a horse to water - but ya can't make them drink. Please DO try to get down to the REAL heart of the matter here - for both of yours sake. The situation warrants this, no matter the outcome.

As far as living alone and having fears that your place is robbed when you return.....odds are that that WON'T happen again. Really. Don't let your fears run rampant honey.

Pack a .38 or some mace or something if it makes you sleep good at night.

Thanks for sharing. All the best to you and please continue to let us know what's going on (((HUGS)))

February 14, 2007
11:09 pm
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Loralei
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Getting a place of your own and living by yourself may be the best thing for you. Before you can have a healthy relationship with another person, you need to have a healthy one with yourself. Your neediness, your need to please, your fear of abandonment or whatever your demons are, need to be addressed. Those traits tend to push people away. Concentrate on getting your own act together. Then you will have a much better chance of one day having a good relationship with another. Read some books about codependency. Get some therapy. Learn how to love yourself and then you will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime to look forward to.

February 15, 2007
12:18 am
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needingtodealwithme
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Well, basically I don't think she wants to work on any kind of relationship with me besides friends, which right now I'll take what I can get...maybe being friends will eventually lead somewhere...who knows. I don't want to go any further than friends with anyone until I fix me; at the same time I don't want anyone but her...yet I don't....Her selfishness bothers me, and her closed nature, among other things. I am willing to deal with those things because I love her, but at the same time I think through therapy I'm going to find thats not acceptable.
What I did completely trashed her trust with me....she said she feels like she never really knew me. I did it because I felt she wasn't telling me everything (she wasn't) about her feelings and stuff; she was so closed lips. It made me feel insecure. It was stupid, but what was even more stupid was me telling her, or maybe it wasn't, because she was glad I admitted it. Who knows, maybe all of this happened for a reason........I'm just so sad right now. How long has it taken y'all to feel ok with yourself; being alone, living alone, etc?

February 15, 2007
12:49 am
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truthBtold
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NTDWT,

It can take damn near a lifetime to feel ok with yourself.

The main thing that you have got to remember is to stay in touch with your body and your gut feelings. Bottom line. That's it.

If somethin ain't feeling right - then it is for a reason. (God - our instincts will NEVER turn us wrong.)

Look out for the red flags, heed their warning, learn from them - then move on.

All of this, though I do not mean to trivialize it at all - will probably in time be just "par for the course." Meaning - you just have to go through with that that you just have to go through with.

It sucks. It's painful. And - oh yeah....did I mention that it sucks???????

Yes. It does.

But believe me you honey, there is a woman out there just for you. Just have to get your own shit together, as it were, and try to figure out why you are so easy to try and please and all of that horse crap.............. No One can answer that for you.....something that you are going to have to figure out for yourself.

In the meantime, hell - just do something for YOU!!!! Go get a facial or a haircut or a massage - - - -take a break from all of this drama.....just take a deeeeeppp breath......improve posture....throw your arms out into the universe for some kind of fricking, fracking answer....and S T R E T C H your body - your toes - your claves - your hips - your back - your spine, your neck your head ......ahhhhh - not so bad now - was it????????

that's what I'm talkin 'bout!!!!!!

relax. the answers will come when you least expect it when you relax and are just "open" to whatever may come your way. trust me.

February 15, 2007
11:45 pm
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doubledilemma
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needingtodealwithme,

My apologies about the ASSumption. Just one of those things, I guess. I can see you are getting great advice up there, so I hope this is helping!

D_D

February 16, 2007
10:27 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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I have done a little research on my own, and have found 12 steps. I am stuck on step two, which is to let go of your current "solutions". I can't seem to get rid of that anxious feeling I get around her, and all those other reactions I have....any suggestions from those that have gotten through this?

February 17, 2007
12:19 am
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atalose
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It's almost impossible when you are still living under the same roof to move forward for yourself. When one person wants to be free and the other wants to hold on, it makes for that anxious feeling.
We tend to hold on tighter and they tend to pull away harder.
My suggestion would be to move out and away from her ASAP even if that means to a rooming house or motel, not so much for her but for YOU.
12 steps are good but I would suggest a codependency meeting in your area, get with others going through similiar situations and allow yourself the oportunity to meet new people.
As far as her changing anything on her my space, who cares, it's just a bunch of words. But it's those little things that are going to drive you crazy if you go looking for them or are around them. Move away from her as fast as you can, that doesn't mean you can't maintain some kind of a relationship with her it only means you need to develope a stronger relationship with yourself.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 17, 2007
2:34 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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I am getting better about a lot of the "solutions" I have.....I don't expect her to call during her day, I've been upfront about some things my best friend and I discussed about the situation, and I've let her know that I worry about her being so shut in. I explained that I believe that if she doesn't open up more to pple, then the next person she gets with might push her away or cling like I did because she doesn't talk about how she is feeling, and that makes pple feel alienated. She explained that her feelings are what fuels her writing...and there's some things she feels she shouldn't have to share.
We've been hanging out, talking or looking at stuff online each night, it seems to be going ok. I don't really know....
She told me she's pretty much over this, but still is in love with me....I don't know if I believe her. I believe shes over it, shes one of those pple who throws themselves into other things to deal with the pain...concentrate on something else and it'll go away. It kinda hurts that she's moved on and isnt sad anymore.
I think I can still live here a bit longer, so I can save up, if I start counseling. Hopefully the places around here that do a sliding scale for fees will take me....*sigh*

February 18, 2007
9:23 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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Well, its not going as well as I thought. i'm being too affectionate. How do you get the affection you need when you don't have a willing person to get it from? I mean, she says if I need a hug, tell her, but its not the kind of hug I need, ya know? Ugh, this is so hard right now. I can't seem to let go of that part of our relationship.....how do you?

February 21, 2007
3:34 pm
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atalose
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You need to physcially part ways until you are ready to if ever to have a true just friends type of relationship.
You are so emotionaly attached to her it's impossible while still living with her and sharing the same bed to move on. You are wanting one kind of relationship and she clearly wants another.
I would move out and move on as soon as possible.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 22, 2007
8:56 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I was in a relationship where my BF was dealing with alot of internal issues of his own.

And instead of reaching out to me, as his partner, to deal with it, he shut me out.

And he put his energies into other things - like work.

And the more I tried to be a good partner, the more he shut me out.

At first it was the lovemaking that changed....it went from him participating and enjoying it to him allowing me to have sex with him, and as soon as I got what I needed, he rolled over and went to sleep. Kind of like your hug thing. It just wasn't like real lovemaking.

Then he stopped touching me. I think because he didn't want me to think his touches were leading to lovemaking.

Then the makeout kisses stopped and it was just quick kisses...and he'd pull away if I lingered too long.

Our physical relationship was fireworks in the beginning...so I know that he was attracted to me.

But his personal problems kept him distanced from me...and when I complained that I was not getting what I needed, he pulled away even more...cuz now I was adding to his stress...and he felt bad cuz he couldn't fix it.

So, I did the only thing I felt I could do...I walked away.

I had to do it for myself.

Cuz in the end, no matter how patient and understanding I was...his problems were not going to be solved overnight, and I was going to be left unfufilled for a very long time.

and because my relationship was new...it just didn't feel right.

I don't know your history....but when you are left with nothing...holding on by a thread....accepting crumbs...sometimes the best BUT HARDEST thing to do is walk away. NO matter how difficult it is to do, it's gonna be the best thing for you.

When I broke up with my BF, I realized that in the place I just moved to, I have only ONE friend in this town now....it is mighty lonely...but at least I don't have the stress.

February 22, 2007
9:08 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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I am really stressed right now....I think I need hugs....ugh. My job isn't going well, so I have until the end of March to find a new one. Ugh...I just feel blah right now...earlier was okay...If I don't think about her its all good..sorta. I'm over at my best friends right now, spending the night because my ex and I seem to get along better if I do this every few days or so....she really really likes her alone time...I'm babbling.

February 28, 2007
4:50 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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Today is a better day. I got into the doctor, and he has referred me to a psychiatrist for medication evaluation, then counseling. I am giving her more space since I ghettofied my van into a semblance of a legal, running vehicle. The alternator is still screwed though...need to get that checked again...life goes on!

March 6, 2007
8:50 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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Well, I thought I was able to be around her without the anxiety as much and the feelings I had been having....I was WRONG! Is this going to take forever to fix, because I'm really sick and tired of feeling this way...and her being the way she is towards me because of my reactions. Work isn't helping...in the last three weeks I've worked like 4 times. They keep telling me they'll need me more and to call to get my schedule....every time I call I have to call back about four times (not exaggerating) to get an answer if they need me that day and whether the schedule is ready. The schedule is still not ready;I've been waiting since Friday. Is there going to be any better days?

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