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So, this is rock bottom...
April 16, 2004
9:22 am
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Anonymous
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Things seemed to be going better and last night he admitted that he is still in love with his ex. I have suspected it and even questioned it only to be told that I was insecure and paranoid. I just assumed that it was my issue and the codependency.

I continued to ignore all of the warning signs; lack of attention, drinking, depression, (I could go on). I kept telling myself that I could change him and win him over.

The irony is that his ex is in another realtionship and seems happy. They do talk everyday on the phone or email, but I think the ex has moved on as far as wanting more.

How can I think so little of myself? Where is my pride and self-esteem? I should be able to just turn around and keep walking, but something inside keeps pulling me back in. I don't understand why he always says just enough to keep me holding on.

Anyone out there with any input would be appreciated. I feel like I am truly at the crossroads and even if I stay and take whatever I can get I still lose.

I need to move on...

MILO

April 16, 2004
9:43 am
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Try the 30-day approach.

This means -- if you REALLY want to get over him -- you have no contact AT ALL for 30 days. No calls, no emails, no letters, no cards. Nothing. And none of these from him either. Tell him you are doing this and kindly ask that he not attempt contacting you. No matter what.

That should do it... But you have to start over counting days if there is any contact.

Talk about a new persepctive. You will also gain back your self-esteem.

April 16, 2004
9:43 am
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twinks,

I have never eard it put that way. Thanks. I know that you are right. I am so dissapointed and really wanted this to be "the fantasy".

The weird part of this is that there are several options out there for me if I want someone to date, but I think that I just need to learn to be alone for awhile.

thanks again,
MILO

April 16, 2004
9:56 am
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Yep, I tend to do the same thing - date someone else to forget about getting over the previous. I never got a chance to grieve, never gave myself a chance to see who I really was and who I really needed in my life.

If you get to be alone for a while, you really get to know yourself and become your own advocate. Benefit is, you will never get involved in a sick relationship again, because you will be picking people you know will be good for you, instead of a quick "fix" for the previous one.

Good luck in what ever you choose.

April 16, 2004
10:10 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Milo,

I have to agree with both pieces of advice.

First of all, you deserve to be with someone who will love you, and give you respect. Something we all should have and deserve to have.

So... if he is still in love with the ex- that is his issue, and you have to deal with your own, not wait around to find out if the ex might ever come wheeling back on the scene. If the ex has truly moved on, I don't know if they would be talking each and every day via phone and e-mail. My first husband and his ex-wife spoke frequently because of the kids, but as the kids got older the conversations became more infrequent. He was always there for him if she ever needed him, but as time moved on they moved away from each other, freeing him in his marriage to me, and freeing her to be in another relationship.

But, I also believe that you need to get over a relationship before leaping into the next one. When you go leaping, you tend to spring along with you any and all excess baggage from the last one.

Z.

April 16, 2004
10:23 am
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Anonymous
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How did I ever allow myself to have such little respect for myself that I would be willing to take this from anyone?

I don't believe that there are any justified resentments and I don't want to be bitter. I want to find a way to release this with love and move forward.

Z, I don't know much about your health issues, but how do you keep from being angry and resentful? Is there some trick that helps you stay so positive and have such an appreciation for life. I think the Z must stand for ZEST in your case.

MILO

April 16, 2004
11:34 am
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Milo, it's OK to feel anger and resentment. It's part of the process. I highly recommend two books:

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Mars and Venus Starting Over

They will help you accept your feelings, and accept yourself too. Try not to deny your feelings - ok?

April 16, 2004
1:55 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Milo,

I went through my angry and resentful feelings a while ago - acutally still have them from time to time, I would be lying if I said I didn't.

But, I have found that if I let them overtake my life - I feel worse. By trying to be upbeat and positive - I tend to feel better.

Thanks for the compliment.

Z.

April 16, 2004
3:26 pm
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Rockermom
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Milo12 and everyone else, it seems I keep reading things that could have been written by me. I've been trying to pick up and move on, but every day I still think about the ex. I don't know what, who, or how he's been doing, but I know I still think about him alot. I feel so empty.

When I read milo12's first post, I knew exactly where she's coming from. My self-esteem was completely destroyed, I have a huge task ahead trying to rebuild myself, and it's so hard. There are days that I think I just can't go on, the emptiness consumes me. I miss having someone in my life so much.

But then, there are days that I don't think like that. And I have to focus on those days.

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