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SO THIS IS HOW HATE FEELS
October 12, 2006
1:21 pm
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santino
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I'm not naturally a vindictive person. I guess you can say for the most part Im really a happy go lucky type of guy. But my situation has caused me 2 hate my ex, I mean I really hate her, and I don't usually hate. I actually hate that word. When my kids tell me they hate someone I usually correct them and tell them that you dont hate them, you hate their actions. But knowing that my ex is dating her exboyfriend is killing me. I went thru the hurt stage and the anger starge now Im experiencing the vindictive stage. I feel like calling her and really saying mean things to her. I know I wont do it, but it just consumes me so much, anyone know how to get over this?

October 12, 2006
1:26 pm
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2alone
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TIME, time and more time.

I had still have those feelings for my ex-husband. He was rotten to the core during our divorce and has hurt me and our children immensely with his selfishness, emotional and physical abuse. I'll freely admit that in the begining I wanted him dead...now I realize that he has his place in the world. Don't get me wrong - if a bus hit him tomorrow I don't think I'll be crying at his funeral - but the anger and hate has faded. Its a good step in your healing process. A word to the wise - lashing out just prolongs the hate. Talk to friends, write a letter and burn it, live a really good life its the best revenge.

October 12, 2006
1:27 pm
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smarterone
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You're doing it right now, open up, let us in, see what you feel is ok. Natural. Human. If it didnt bother you, you didnt love her right. When the right person comes into your life, it will be history. Keep busy, dont feel you have to stay home because this wasnt your choice, you will be making a mistake. Join some groups. But.....come back here.

October 12, 2006
1:29 pm
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santino
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2alone, thanks I know your right, posting here sure does put me at ease when Im feeling raw inside. Thanks again.

October 12, 2006
1:30 pm
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santino
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smarterone, thanks. Everyone here always has good advise, I appreciate it.

October 12, 2006
2:07 pm
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lovinglife
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Santino~ your feeling of *hate* right now reminds me of what the guy who broke my heart said to me in parting...something like...

"LL, I can tell right now that your feeling hate towards me, but you do know that feeling such anger really is because you're hurt, because you're sad..." Tell ya, his comment just made me more p*ssed off at him...he just had lied to me, deceived me, used me, humilated me, why wouldn't I feel a little angry?? The hurt came in later, like the next day : )

What I learned from that whole relationship was that next time I'm going to be smarter, alot smarter - I too don't like the word hate nor do I like feeling it within my being...so my lesson is that I'm going to be wiser next time so it doesn't come down to feeling *hate* for someone.

And what ever you do - DON'T contact her to let her have it : )...I said some things that I regret now even though there was alot of truth to them...but it lowered me to a level that just isn't me.

Just vent and post in here - so much safer and that way you can let it out and no one is going to get hurt.. Or another option is to work it out physically let going for a run, hitting a punching bad, or doing a zillion sit ups!!

October 12, 2006
2:17 pm
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santino
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lovinglife, I know your rite, the thing is I look at all this and Im really better off, but it relly hurts. I know I needed to hear what she told me, but I wished I hadn't asked. I guess its better that I heard thru her rather than from someone else, who knows.

October 12, 2006
2:26 pm
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lovinglife
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you bet it hurts Santino even when we know we're better off -

In the end you'll be glad that you found out because if you're like me it's always that wondering about the what if's, or the what did I do stuff or what could I have done that drives us crazy so we can't move on.

Though it really hurts today, soon you will be able to move on and let go to the point when you see her, talk to her, or think about her the pain won't be there anymore. And say what happend with that blind date woman?? Are you still seeing her?

October 12, 2006
2:35 pm
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on my way
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santino,

The only thing I can suggest is to take care not to analyze it and figure it out. There are sometimes no answers as some things go beyond reasoning and explanation. I know in my own life, the more I try to figure out someone else's behavior, the more raw I become.

You sound like an easy going type person who easily accepts others and is fairly non-judgmental. A great way to be, but sometimes others don't know what a good thing they have and take advantage.

Also mayber try to remind yourself that as bad as it seems, there is always something good about something...may not show up until much later, but at least this is what I believe. 🙂

I hope this gets better for you. Everyone deals with grief and troubles differently, but it is for sure they are a part of life!

October 12, 2006
2:56 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I have been told several times that hate is the same as love.

why? cuz the amount of energy it takes to hate someone is equal to the amount of energy it takes to love someone.

and the only reason you can hate someone is that you still have feelings for them - still spending energy on them.

I have found that the BEST WEAPON in my arsenal is to shut up and not contact.

I found that the more I spent time planning, plotting, wishing, hoping, strategizing, worrying, fretting, TALKING about him and how much I hate him - the worst it was - I was wasting PRECIOUS energy that I could have been spending on something MUCH BETTER - like living, loving, laughing and playing....and recovering.

If you hate her, it means your mind and heart are still with her.

When you get to a point where you don't feel anything and she's the last thing on your mind - you know you have reached a point of recovery.

How to get there? time and willpower.

NO CONTACT takes willpower - takes energy - but in the end, is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I have a thousand reasons to be pissed at my ex - but what's it gonna get me???? Is it going to fix it? is it going to get him back? is it going to make him an honest person? is it going to make my life better?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Silence is a deadly weapon - if you call, she will know you care - that you still think of her - that she still has power over you.

She may - but she doesn't have to know that - no contact is the best thing you can do.

time will heal - I PROMISE YOU.

October 12, 2006
2:58 pm
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needtoheal
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hey there santino...
you know what i do... when i was so angry at my ex-husband for walking out the way he did I used to write a letter to him... never mailed them but it helped and i guess now that we have this site it is also an opportunity to open up and let the feelings out like i have with you about my situation.. in fact, i wrote on the other thread to you..
feel good my friend

October 12, 2006
4:08 pm
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santino
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Thanks everyone, its going to be tuff, but I know with all your help Ill get over it. She'll be leaving the state soon and Im greatful to that. Thanx all.

October 12, 2006
6:45 pm
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taj64
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The best healer of all is time. Time allows hurt and even love to fade. It is universal healer to all things. It will be tough but it will get easier. You'll see.

October 12, 2006
6:49 pm
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santino
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Thanx Taj64, you've always helped, thanx

October 12, 2006
7:01 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Santino, I agree that time is the best weapon for getting through something. That and plain being honest about how you feel.

I used to be so afraid of telling the truth about how I really felt about my ex, thinking that would make me look "bad" for hating him because of what he'd done to me and to our daughter. Yet I was afraid of being judged for how I responded to it? Hmm...

Best thing I did in that time period when I was so angry was tell a priest during confession that I wished my ex dead. I then started crying and told him I was scaring myself with these thoughts. He just said in a real gentle tone, "Yeah, those things can be scary." He never once reprimanded me for thinking such things, just validated where I was at and how I was feeling. As soon as I had that exchange with the priest I actually stopped having those thoughts and I felt a little better.

So definitely talk about it and be truthful with yourself. You're hurting and this person betrayed you after you'd given so much of yourself and even risked things to get her away from this person she ended up going back to. That's a lot to work through and you're going to run a gamut of emotions in the process.

October 12, 2006
7:04 pm
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santino
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lovetoc.

Im guilty of those feelings 2day. I have had some pretty bad thoughts going around in my head, and its a battle in itself 2 get over it, thanks for sharing, I need it. 🙂

October 12, 2006
7:47 pm
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needtoheal
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santino--- sorry 2 hear that you are feeling guilty about your thoughts.. it's okay and healthy to feel what you feel...
And once again thank you... I thought of you today when he showed up at my work.. You gave me strength today

October 12, 2006
9:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Santino,

So sorry you are huting, and I understand too well the feelings you are having.

I have them about my current h and I'm having a hard time getting past my anger and pain.

One day at a time. Time, as others have suggested here, is what is needed. Be good to yourself.

October 13, 2006
12:20 am
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santino
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Thanks all. Have you all seen that movie Team America? WIth the puppets, my favorite part is when 1 of the puppets is drunk and he says " I hit rock bottom" Thats how I feel, I feel like I hit rock bottom. Somebody pick me up.

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