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So stupid I am
April 20, 2005
3:47 pm
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Foggy1
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I'm shaking and pacing around my house and can barely type. I just checked my ex girfriends profile (stupid I know) and there were pictures of this other man in there.

I feel so hurt all over again. Maybe I'm overreacting but I still love this woman. I have so many questions and don't know what to do.

She wanted to marry me at one time, said she'd never hurt me and would love me forever. I was still holding hope like a fool, I feel so very niave.

How am I to live with this now? Why did she put it in there? Was this going on before we broke up? Why did she move on so fast? Why should I care?

I did my share of mistake making in that relationship, now I'll probably beat myself up even more over this. I couldn't hold on to something I cared about, AGAIN.

I am so hurt and could use a little advice, scolding or support should you find time.

Foggy

April 20, 2005
3:54 pm
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CAMER
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i guess none of us will be ever able to figure out why people do the things they do...again, its all in THIER hands.

And what profile did you check of hers??? and are you sure she is involved with this other man???

Again, feel your feelings, and know that yes we all make mistakes, its how we handle them is the important thing.

and YOU could hold onto something you cared about (at that time) its her that chose to break away, and that was her choice.

Keep coming back and venting

(((camer)))

April 20, 2005
3:54 pm
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angel1
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We do the best we can..if you gave it your all and have no regrets..thats all we can do..be grateful for the time you had and who's to say it may come around again..if it's met to be it will come back to you..Angel1

April 20, 2005
3:58 pm
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2bstrong
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Hey foggy...

No scolding here...

Sometimes our willpower is drained, and we do things that we just don't know will hurt us in the long run.

Please don't think yourself stupid for doing it. Maybe it was what you needed to see...to get yourself where you need to be.

You WILL be able to live with this. It will take time. I wonder if she put it there because she wanted you to see it. Because she didn't have the heart--or the courage--to tell you herself. Moving on fast is usually a sign of running away from something. Maybe it was already going on.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Please know that you are not alone. I'm in the same place as you.

Here's a big hug.

April 20, 2005
4:13 pm
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Foggy1
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Thank you all xxxxx

I checked her online profile and wish I hadn't. I really did make a lot of mistakes in that relationship, I did the old hiding in my cave one too many times. I don't hold any bad feelings towards her, I really care about her but just feel hurt. I had imagined myself getting stronger and coming back to her somehow. That is what hurts, I didn't let go like I thought I had.

Maybe you are right 2bstrong, she wanted me to see it to put the finality into this relationip. It was her way perhaps, knowing I would look someday.

Thank you so much Camer, Angel and 2bstrong

April 20, 2005
4:34 pm
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2bstrong
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One last thing to remember...

Nobody's perfect. WE ALL make mistakes in our relationships. She did, you did, I did, he did.

And the hurt sucks. I keep telling myself I have to go through this hurt and grief. I'm spiritual, so I think there is a reason for all of this.

Letting go is so scary. But like somebody said on one of these threads yesterday--When the pain of holding on becomes so unbearable, that's when we are ready to live the pain of letting go.

toobee : - }

April 20, 2005
4:44 pm
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Foggy1
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I can't seem to let go. I was doing alright but I think I was fooling myself thinking it could be again.

But today hit me hard

I worry I'll be lonely forever now, just like my mother after her failed relationships. She just gave up on them and died without a partner. I don't want to be like that but how can I not when all I'm left with is failure and mistrust and self blame.

Not going to find any takers out there with that attitude.

Sorry for the negativity

April 20, 2005
5:02 pm
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2bstrong
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Don't be sorry foggy1. You're definitely in the right place for talking about all of this.

I can completely understand your fear of following the path of your mother, it seems that most times, we end up imitating what we saw or learned as kids, even if we swore we would never "be like that".

The good thing is, you're talking about this, thinking about it. That means you really, really, really do care about yourself. Did I say that you really do care about yourself? You won't be lonely forever, just give yourself some time and space. Keep posting here, too.

Take today for what it is. A sucker-punch. Yes, a hard day.

(((toobee)))

April 20, 2005
6:42 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Foggy: Are you maybe jumping to conclusions re: who the guy is? Why would she post a profile (for a dating site, I assume?) with her current bf? I know I have a profile on line w/ my tour director from a vacation trip and I thought it would be obvious he wasn't "my man" but someone did ask that.

You know I am in the same situation you are since you posted during my crisis last week (thank you!). there'a a lot of us hurting souls out there. It just can't be all your fault that things didn't work out. I don't know why it is that certain relationships hurt us so deeply and we can't get over it. I hope it is part of the big plan and meant to be a learning experience so that we are more mature and ready for the "real" one.

Don't be so down on yourself. I think you are a terrific guy just because yoou can talk about it! SD

April 20, 2005
7:06 pm
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Foggy1
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You guys are great. I went for a drive, picked up a few things and it helped to get out of the house. ]

You know, women smile at me and I've even been flirted at so why can't I move on with this? I should be happy that she's happy but I'm feeling lost.

I was visiting a mens site and they were complaining about how men today are such whiners. In the good old days, men would just go out and get themselves a one night stand and not sit around complaining about their feelings, they say. Kind of wondering if he's on to something although one night stands are out for me. Does it ever really help men to express their feelings, or does it just eventually turn women off? He claims women don't really like emotionally open men anyways, calls it the feminization of men or something like that. It got me thinking about how I handle things.

SD, it wasn't a dating site. It was just some private photo's posted on her screen name page. She looks beautiful as ever.

Thank you all for writing back, supporting and letting me get my thoughts out. I have a few busy days of work so maybe that will help too.

Foggy

April 21, 2005
10:23 pm
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Foggy-

Hello.

I don't think that when men are in touch with their feelings or talk about them that it makes them any less masculine. Maybe guys in our society still feel uncomfortable emoting so when discussing men who are open about such things, some guys have to shoot them down. It's just easier to adopt that attitude than changing- most guys were not brought up to feel comfortable sharing about their feelings. Books are written and sold by people who's agenda is maintaining the status quo rather than pursuing what is healthy, humane or productive.

Is it better to be a man who does NOT know how to communicate on an emotional level? I can't imagine why any woman would prefer that. With that comes many things that sometimes include crappy relationships, substance abuse and at the extreme domestic violence.

Gee, I guess I see the appeal of going out and having a one night stand vs. complaining about one's feelings. But who says talking about one's feelings is equal to complaining? Besides, ask any woman if she rather be with a guy who makes "one night stands" his hobby, or with a guy who can be real, empathetic and honest and relate to his friends on an emotional level? You've been kind to me on my thread... and I'm sure you've done the same for others. Of the two varieties of men you describe... I don't know Foggy, you sound like the cooler kind to me. I'm sure you could have the one night stands but what's with the macho act from those guys? What are they trying to prove?

-ella

April 22, 2005
8:53 am
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CAMER
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hi Foggy, i myself don't think its weird for men to express there feelings...I like guys who do that, I think they can relate more to women like us when they do express, and I don't think anything less of them. Maybe its men thinking that they may feel less masculine if they open themselves up and express themselves.

Keep living life, keep smiling, even though deep down you have sad feelings, the feelings will pass, and keep your world open to new things in life and taking care of you. Glad to see you posting alot on this thread, you will do ok.

((camer)))

April 22, 2005
9:13 am
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kc30
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Foggy
If you're stupid, then you're in good company, cuz I don't think you'd find anyone on this site who hasn't tortured themselves by learning more about an ex that was good for them (I am guilty of the drive-by, but I put a stop to that about a year ago, thank God)

It just seems to take our hearts a little longer to catch up to our heads, and that's ok. When it finally hurts too much, and your heart can't take the torture any more, you'll let go. Eventually, you'll just want to feel better, even if that's without her.

I just think it sucks that we have to hurt so much to finally get to that acceptance phase of the cycle.

kc

April 23, 2005
1:35 pm
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Foggy1
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Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the advice, support and just to NOT feel so alone because I don't have many friends lately.

I've talked to my ex-girlfriend, she found out I was upset and wanted to set things straight. That is always like her, being sweet and caring. I will support anything she decides to do because she's also working on getting herself stronger and she's getting so much done in her life right now. I have to say I'm proud of her.

It appears I jumped to a couple conclusions and knowing me, thats probably true because my thought process is such a mess. I do have panic attacks from time to time and overeact. So I feel silly, many of you correctly suggested I may be jumping to conclusions.

My plans for now are to stay out of relationships and somehow find my confidence again. I need to be more involved in my kids lives too, I feel my problems have not helped them. I need to work harder and make a better living which I've already started.

I have to work on my anxiety problems because with them I'm not good for myself or my kids, let alone anyone else. It was a major contributor to this relationship not working.

But who knows what may happen in the future should I get stronger.

Thanks for listening

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