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So Scared
March 18, 2006
6:03 pm
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ryny143
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It's me again. I am having a fine day, and trying to type up my grad school personal essay, and then HE calls, and I end up in tears. Now I cant concentrate on the important things because my emotions are out of control. I am so scared to stop talking to him, but I am in so much pain when we are together. I have no control of anything anymore & it seems like he LOVES when I am upset. I am blamed when his hurtful comments put me in tears. Why am I so reluctant to leave him? I was reading things on the website survivorquotes.com, about guys like him, and it said things about how they know exactly how to upset you & they do it even more. How can I not get upset by his behavior? I am sad & hurt when he doesnt care, I am angry when he blames everything on me, and I am "crazy" when he shuts me out & tortures me with his little antics. I KNOW what will happen in I really leave him, and I can't even deal with it! What causes someone to lose all control in so many areas? I can't just "not react"- I am not physically able. I wish my life consisted of more than just him

March 18, 2006
7:03 pm
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4me
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Codependents that are trying to recover have to start by asking themselves over and over again on a daily basis..."What do I want to do for myself?"

We have to learn to be selfish in a way in order to break the cycle of thinking how our actions will affect someone else first...

We have to learn how to take control of our own situations...it's very difficult but you have to start somewhere.

March 18, 2006
7:17 pm
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caliseth
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ryny143:
i know what you feel, because i just finished one of this relations just 2 days ago...
i am sure you feel you love this person so much you can't be without him, you are afraid to loose him, but at same time afraid to see him or even talk on the phone because you both will fight...
but
how can a person that "loves" you hurt you this way? i searched for advice, i read books and i went to help groups. but THE ANSWER IS INSIDE YOU, Because no matter how people tell you that you can do this or that to feel better, if you don't believe in yourself, in your value,and change your attitude, nothing will do. when a guy treats you this way you don't need him in your life. what is worse, being with him or being without him? the only answer i can give you is that you don't have to be afraid to act and finish something that is not going the way you wanted. you will be filling pain, need to see him, to talk to him, to make things work out, but if you get the courage to do this, pain will go away in 1 week, month, year,etc. but it will go away and then you will continue your life and have the oportunity to find a person that treats you the way YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED. if you go on this, maybe you will have temporarily calm, but most of times you will be hurting. give yourself the chance to have more in your life, i know for experience, that is very difficult. right now i feel the urge to call my ex and tell him how i love him. but this ain't happen. if you want to have the control of your life, you have to start taking control of your emotions, since the other person won't change. FOCUS ON YOUR GOALS, BE WITH PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU, FRIENDS, FAMILY, STAY IN TOUCH HERE, TALK TO GOD.
DON'T LET YOU DOWN.
YOUR LIFE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU, AND YOU KNOW THIS.
P.S. i hope i am not too rude, nor judgy. i honestly want you to be better.
god bless you.
CALISETH

March 18, 2006
8:15 pm
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nic31
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I was there several years ago and looking back I believe it was an issue of abandonment. In your heart you know what is good for you. Is it that you don't want to lose him of the idea of being in a relationship? Well, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

March 18, 2006
8:30 pm
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ryny143
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Thankyou for your responses. It all makes sense, but I cant seem to act. I wish there WAS a book or group or something that would make everything all better, but of course thats not possible. Hopefully soon I will find the strength to move on. I think its the initial healing process that scares me. I'm working on making myself more busy with school, volunteering, getting hobbies, so maybe that will help. It's just a matter of following through.
*I believe it MAY be the abandonment issue, as nic31 mentioned. It doesnt make too much sense though. My dad was an alchoholic and my mother divorced him when I was really youg, and as of a few years ago, him & I talk sometimes, but he disappoints me regularly. One therapist thought he may be a cause, but I never knew him, so I cant see how that makes sense.

Thanks for the encouragement- I really helps to know I am not alone, nor "crazy & psycho", and that breaking free IS possible. Thanks & good luck to everyone in the battle!

March 19, 2006
1:40 pm
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Rasputin
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Ryn - There are support groups worldwide. If you logon http://www.coda.org, you will have listings for all coda meetings worldwide. I get online coda meetings via e-mail, and I like them even tho I have no time to read all of them.

Also, you may purchase some literature such as: Women who love too much, by Robin Norwood; and Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie.

Blessings~Ras~

March 19, 2006
3:01 pm
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ryny143
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I thought about going to a coda meeting a few times but I'm kinda nervous. I feel like everyone already knows eachother, and that I'm not going to fit in that well. I have the Codep. No More book, which I started, but when things got "better" I stopped. I need to find it & start it again. Also about the meetings, is is stupid to go if I am not detatched from him 100% yet- is it more of a post-detatchment thing? Maybe I'll give it a shot either way. Thanks for the suggestions!

March 19, 2006
3:11 pm
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Rasputin
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Ryn, even tho something of post-detachment, you need support group. If you can't attend, do as I do. I e-mailed them and they got me for online coda meetings as I mentioned in my prior post. You may get something like 20 e-mails from them. What I do is I read some of them and delete those I do not wish to read. In this way I do not feel overwhelmed coz they are a lot.

Talking about post dependency, if you open that book for Melody, she lists her other books such as:

Beyond Codependency and getting better all the time. By Melody as well.

So you might want to have a look at that book either.

Blessings~Ras~

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