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so much for anonymous posting
September 15, 2005
4:52 pm
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gayle
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Can you focus on yourself and not lose yourself in his life?

September 15, 2005
5:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Taj -
your points are not harsh and part of what I am considering before making any decisions. I did think of it - and quite frankly - I have been DEAD SET not to leave my hometown - told him not under 3 years - PERIOD - there was NO negotiating. But then, I wanted him to make me happy being there. Problem is, I am not happy there - never was - so for him to think of this option - he couldn't - cuz it was never an option. He has thought of other ideas and solutions - but I have been against all of them - and totally tossed them aside without a second thought. He has stopped trying to find answers - cuz I won't let him fix it. I want it my way - that's how it always was. - he HAS compromised - in that he is driving 4 hours a day in order to NOT give up his career goals and totally give into my demands to be under my control.

I know there is alot to think about - and I promise not to make any quick/snap decisions - and will explore this in therapy and coda meetings before making any decisions.

I have already thought of what it would take too - continued therapy for both of us, and joint counseling. I will not move until his divorced papers are filed - this is something I have neglected and something that eats at me - so it would have to be done if I were gonna move. He would also have to be enrolled in credit counseling. All things to show me what he will do to repair the mistakes he made.

yes, he cheated, nobody held a gun to his head to make him do that - was his choice - and he is paying a price. but keep in mind - our relationship was all to shit before he cheated - that was just icing on the cake. like I said, I wish I had found this place a long time ago - when my issues were just coming out - maybe none of this would have happened - at least not on this level.

Gayle -

Now that I know what I have been doing wrong - and going to therapy and coda meetings to reinforce how to have a healthy life - yeah, I believe I could find my life outside of him and still be with him - cuz all along - he has been striving to maintain HIS life outside of me - HIS identity - HIS goals and dreams - and I wanted to stop that. If I lived in an area that had opportunities to go to craft classes, the gym or YMCA, new job opportunities, etc - yeah, I would be out of the house and down there to do it - but it's so far from where I live and because of my job situation, funds aren't there for it - and I can't make any more money than I do.

is it a guarantee that we would work? no - there are no guarantees - but right now - we struggle, cuz I am focused on us - cuz I don't have any outlets short of therapy and coda - there is nothing for me to do - so I come home and face him - and sit and look at him - and then start thinking - and then start worrying about our problems - there is no outlet.

I believe if he felt he didn't have to give up his goals and ambitions, and didn't have to waste 20 hours a week driving to work, he would be home and devoted and supportive of what I wanted. But because I have been trying to pull him away from his identity - he is stressed and can't cope. Communication has always been our weakness - knew it from day one - so this is something we need to work on for sure - beyond that - I dunno - not sure if this is the answer.

too many damn thoughts!!!!

September 16, 2005
9:30 am
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SUSIE BABY
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PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!!! this is his way of keeping control!!! this site will give you a new name if you tell them why. you saw his screen name,that say's he LIED to you about being here. don't let him hinder you from YOUR GOAL'S!!! you have the right to be HEALTHY! GOOD LUCK,KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

September 16, 2005
10:05 am
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Anonymous
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not leaving - he has told me he would respect my privacy - and I trust he will.

September 16, 2005
10:45 am
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gayle
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Hi Ali- I think only you know what is best for you. Try to remember not to think for him. If moving is something you want to do together and you are doing it for you not to just try and save a relationship then I say go for it. I think that you taking time in therapy and in meetings before you make a decision is a great idea! You don't have figure it out today. There are always risks and you have to figure out which are the right ones to take. Is there real potential for you to be happy, for your daughter to be happy. Is moving something he is asking for and will it mean something to him for you to do it with him (that is a question he would have to answer for himself). Have things gone too far to come back around and be healthy- remember the example you are setting for your daughter. I got divorced b/c I didn't want my boys to think the way their dad treated me was acceptable. There are lots of things to consider and think of. Ali- you are a wonderful person and are deserving of the world! Take your time, think it all through and do what makes you happiest(sometimes that is the hardest part) Love ya!

September 16, 2005
11:04 am
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Anonymous
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gayle,

I posted a new thread - going back to where it all started.

but in the meantime - we talked - and when I brought up the thoughts to him - he actually went and called his therapist for feedback...I was impressed.

I know what my concerns are - and how I worry that I might be subconciously doing this to save our relationship, and so forth.

we have a few ideas - and we are tossing them around - all of the ideas have him doing the work - cuz to make sure this is something I want, but am not doing FOR HIM - he has to set it all up - with my input - but within the boundaries of therapy.

one of the ideas involves him moving out, getting a place on his own doing - his credit, his security deposit, etc. - establishing things - then me joining him when I am ready - dating eachother and therapy in the meantime, each of us establishing our own individual goals and ambitions as well. To show ourselves he can stand on his own two feet and that I am not rescuing him again. we don't want to separate, but realize that it might work better this way for alot of reasons...he is looking into his options on this.

we both agree therapy is key here.

no matter where I or we move - the move is going to be well planned and executed, not a quick bandaid to our current situation - something that is new to me - there will be alot of research on where, when and how...to make sure it's good for everyone.

still not sure it's the right answer - even he says so - but realize where the root of the problem started and how it affected his attitude towards me and how it affected his actions towards me - as well as my actions towards him.

I just keep remembering how many times he said to me "you do too much hun - stop" or "you shouldn't do so much" or how I said I would go to the ends of the earth and give up everything for him - and expect the same from him - how he told me he didn't want that and it was unfair to ask or expect..how much I said it was the only way - how it was completely fair to expect. how codependent and controlling was that?

September 16, 2005
11:15 am
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Worried_Dad
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Alicat wrote..."he is fighting for his right to privacy - and his take is that if he gives up access to his phone, computer and such, that I should do the same - so if I can see where/what he posts, he can do the same. "

Well, there you have it--you were making unreasonable demands and now you are getting some unreasonable demands in return.

You can't have love without respect and if your don't respect each other's right to privacy...well, there's no respect is there.

September 16, 2005
11:15 am
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gayle
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Yeah I know- I have been there and done that as well "There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, you are everything to me, I am nothing without you" and meant every word. You are working on your communication and he is in therapy. being positive about this maybe he is trying. People can change- look at us we are our own exapmles of that. Him doing it on his own is a good thing and it doesn't mean anything as to how he feels about you. I have learned that in a "healthy" relationship you have two individual people with their own interests and lives and responsibilities and they come together as equals and both bring something to the table. Two adults that can care for themselves and chose to be together and have some common goals without losing their identities to get there. It is always a give and take but you BOTH give and take. Balance is key- with each other, within yourself and in your lives. Sometimes I find myself telling you just the things I need to hear myself- too cool! I have faith that you are doing the right things for the right reasons.

September 16, 2005
12:34 pm
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Anonymous
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god I hope so.

I feel like everyone telling me that he has let me down and been bad for me and I need to demand that my needs be met too was only feeding the control monster I had become.

cuz all along it was me demanding how I wanted things - that got us in this place.

his recent actions only reflect the effect all MY crazymaking had on him and all the control and manipulation I was imposing on him.

I sure hope I am right...time, therapy, meetings and research will tell.

everyone kept saying how I had to accept him - good or bad - and I said I didn't want to accept how things had become - but kept trying to figure out why I couldn't - and realized that I didn't like the current status of things - but had I accepted him and his individuality and his goals and dreams and ambitions back when we were healthy - accepted the good things he wanted - we wouldn't be in this mess. Instead, I wanted him to give it all up for me. Or change it to meet my needs, to make me happy, to make us happy. And looking back, I was capable of accepting what he offered then - but he didn't move fast enough - and so I took over.

I am hoping it's not too late to go back to that spot and start over - only with a new appretiation for eachother and with a newer healthier understanding - and alot of therapy to keep us on the right track...and alot of new communication.

September 16, 2005
1:39 pm
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gayle
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Its one of those things- if its meant to be then it will. Do what you can for TODAY. Live here where you are and don't waste this day worrying about tomorrow. You can do it Ali- whatever IT is! Love ya!

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