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so mixed up
June 23, 2007
11:35 pm
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redcandle
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I am new here and would love some objective feedback. My laid off husband just got his 5th DUI in 2 years. So I called an aunt with space in her house and she was very welcoming. I have put our house up for sale and prepared our children (who took the news very well), but no one wants to move. I paid the retainer to the attorney. Now 3 weeks later he is in rehab and seems to actually be getting the message this time. The real estate market is very slow. His court date is in two weeks. He has leads to several new jobs. Do I keep my family intact for a while longer to see where this is going? Or do I need to make the move despite the fact I don't want that?

June 23, 2007
11:41 pm
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taj64
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Yep. I live in MD and the market is really slow. I have my place up for sale, for awhile it is way better than most places but barely a look. Anyway. I think you need to look out for yourself. My ex husband was a alcie back in our days and my kids were young. I moved on. I kicked him out after so many times. I have done much better than him as far as finances, etc. You can try, but be on your toes. Don't count on it as it is #5. Gee, after 5 times, enough is enough. I'd say you are in denial as he is. Im not saying move on but I'd surely say you'd be better off looking after yourself, keep the focus on you and the kids. Family is great but if you got a guy who isn't chipping in and staying clean then isnt isn't family life. You deserve better. Look out for yourself. This husband isn't really looking out for his family with DUI #5 right?

June 24, 2007
11:16 am
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redcandle
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Thanks for responding raj64. You may be right, this may be denial, but it is so hard when you are being told to expect a miracle.

June 24, 2007
11:31 am
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atalose
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redcandle,

Welcome and I am sorry you and your kids are in this situation.

I would be asking myself, if it took 5 years, 5 dui's and you leaving him and selling the house for him to finaly seek help, what's next? What will it take the next time he drinks? He is doing exactely what most alcoholics do, he is appeasing you and working this situaiton to HIS best advantage. I don't want to sound negative or take away any of your hope or miracle thinking but the truth is he's done nothing prior to this to help himself.
What are his plans after rehab, what kind of a program is he planning on working to keep himself alcohol free and his family together. What kind of work can he get without a drivers license? Can you afford the house on your own? If not, how can you afford it with him if he's been laid off and will be without a license? You and your kids need to come first, your kids taking the news well about moving and divorce says volumns. I'm sure they have had enough of him and his behavior. No one ever wants to move especialy kids but they are so resilent and adapt well to change, it's the adults who find all the difficulties. What kind of help are you and your kids seeking? Have you attended al-anon or your kids al-ateen?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 24, 2007
12:44 pm
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redcandle
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Alanon is next for me. I've been in the past. The kids are still young for alateen.

It's so hard now because he needs to make his soberity a priority and he needed to hit rock bottom so perhaps he has, or perhaps he is just surviving to resume the addiction later.

For now I have the house for sale and if I get a buyer my gut says take the money and run. He doesn't have a job and I can't afford it by myself. It's just a house. But a dream is dying.

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