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So I lost my best friend of 15 years.
November 11, 2002
11:49 am
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Cici
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I'm starting to think it's me, not them. First, my best friend frfom 5th grade slept with my boyfriend and chose him over me. Now, my best friend since I was 8 and I have "broken up".

It started with her family. No argument with them, they just went to church w/o her so she was pissed. I took my weekend to go with her to a wedding where I knew no one, so I thought she should be grateful that I'm taking my f*cking time out to hang out with her, but whatever. We were supposed to stay one night. I wanted to leave. But she wanted to visit with her friends longer so I relented (very graciously, I thought). I told her, no big deal, I miss my husband and animals, but I'll survive.

So we stayed another night and she was pissy the whole time. We went out to a club, she sat in the corner all night and then made us leave at midnight. Boring.

Next day she woke me up bitching at me about how I was too lazy to pack my stuff up the night before, and I was messy, and slept too much, and I better get up. Then she was snappish with me when I asked for 15 minutes to do 3 sun salutations to wake the hell up because I only got about 10 hours of sleep this weekend, from Friday to Sunday.

I was having a great conversation with our host (we stayed at my Bestfriend (P's) friend's house), and P interrupted us and said, "It's time to go now."

So I relented and we left. On the frive back she was tense. I tried to make conversation. I revealed a personal stress. She made no response. Then I made a comment about how weird it is that you can make such a great connection with someone you've never met online, and how I can't really find that in my real life relationship because there's too much baggage, and she went off on how online relationships are different. Which was exactly what I said. So I got irritated that she was obviously not listening to me, especially because she repeated what I said right after I said it!

Then I made a mistake. Irritated, I mentioned how defensive she got whenever we discussed politics or philosophy or relgion, and how I felt like I couldn't bring up those subjects anymore with her. It makes me depressed to think that my best friend is so judgement and reactive that I have to avoid conversation topics that I adore speaking about.

She suddenly blew up at me. She told me to come up with a list of times she reacted defensively to me, and then said I was attacking her and I was yelling at her. I said, if you don't know my speaking style after 15 years of being friends, I am at a loss for words.

She stopped speaking to me after that. I tried to have a conversation and she refused. She wanted to either:

(a) erase the argument we had had
(b) or never be friends again.

I am the type to talk things out. I hate the tension that comes with unresolved issues. P did NOT want to resolve the issue. So, when she dropped me off she said, don't ever talk to me again. I said, have a nice life.

I know it seems trivial. But I feel like I just broke up with a boyfriend. She and I were best buds for 15 years. We went through elementary, middle, and high school together. We kept in tough in college. I drove 16 hours last Christmas to Austin to visit her for a week. And she just totally broke up with me because I refuse to gloss BS over and pretend that nothing happened.

As an example, I brought up my drug addiction. I just said that, it was sad to me that she was so angry with me for slowly killing myself with drugs and addiction, but she never TOLD me that she was pissed. She made asides and jokes about how I was wasting away. Then she said, "How could I talk to you anyway, you fried your brain too much for intelligent thought." She then said that I was blaming my drug addiciton on her. Bullsh*t. I blew up at her about that. I own my OWN drug addiction. I NEVER blamed it on anyone else and when I quit I did it ON MY OWN. I never asked for help because I knew I had dug my own hole. And it offends me to the deepest level when someone accuses me of passing the blame of my self-destruction to someone else. I own it. It's mine. I shoulder the responsibility of my choices. Sure, I had a shitty childhood. I spilled it out, too. I told her, I WORKED through my shit. She never did. I HAD to, to stop using drugs every night to get high and then pass out. I confronted incest, molestation, rapes, physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse. I did it on my own. So when she accused me of blaming her for my drug problem, I know I blew up too much. I started crying, the angry cry where you keep talkign while sobbing, and she never said one G--D--- word to me. I let it all out and she said nothing. 15 years of love, appreciation, friendship, dedication - all out the window. Pain, ignored.

I feel like ass in the trash on a hot day in hell today.

On top of it all, my supervisor told me that even though I've been working through my lunches I still have to take the hour off my time card. I am seriously thinking about giving her my 2 weeks notice today. Most of you have known my continuing saga with her. My new rule #1 is don't hang out with people who make you feel like sh*t. Well, the job does. I dunno whether to tough it out (for 9$/hr., chicken feed), or just quit and get a temp job until I can get pregnant again.

I am stressed and pissed today. I already snapped at my supervisor twice, and then I took up the lunch issue with the Big Boss right in front of my supervisor. I made an enemy with her today. Big Boss sided with me and I gave the supervisor a withering stare as he said this.

I'm feeling like everything and everyone in my life is toxic. I picked a fight with Aaron last night. I felt like ass and he was just placating me left and right.

I feel like I am an insane, abusive person. More than one person in my life has told me they are afraid to make me angry because of my temper. I am turning into my mother. I hate myself for who I have become, without my knowledge.

People always think that, above all, they know themselves. But you don't. No one who looks in the mirror sees an honest picture of themselves, not really. I was lost in a fantasy of flying to North India this week and disappearing into a Buddhist nunnery. Change my name. Shave my head. Meditate and eat rice porridge and steamed veggies for the rest of my life. Have no material possessions but a garment to cover my nakedness and a mat to sleep on.

I would leave everyone behind, Aaron, friends, family, AAC (har har har). But it's a fantasy of escape. Sure I know I will go and be a Buddhist nun after my children are old. I will be sadhaka and no longer in the householder stage. But I feel a draw inside me, a pull, a tug, like no other I've felt before. I feel this urge to go there for some reason, for pilgrimage. I am confused at myself.

I know that no matter where you go, there you are. As Bob Marley said, "You're running and you're running and you're running away, but you can't run away from yourself."

I don't understand this. I love my husband dearly, but I fear that he is with me out of a fear of being alone. I love my family but I see that they have learned, while I was a drug addict, to have lives without me. I have no close friends anymore, and difficulty retaining those that I still have contact with. I am reactive. Unstable. I feel this strong urge to sell off my retirement portfolio, pay off debts, cut off ties and immerse myself in religious study.

Someone talk some sense into me because I have already been looking at plane tickets and lodging. Plum Village, a monestary built in the South of France by my teacher, Thich Naht Hahn, is my ultimate goal. But to leave husband, graduate school, motherhood, family, friends behind - I feel no ties for some reason. What has happened?

November 11, 2002
12:34 pm
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Cici
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Yah, well, her family is like poster family for denial and avoidance. So, I can understand where her desire to avoid comes from. I just won't tolerate it anymore.

I dunno if we'll kiss and make up. I sent her (passive aggressively?) the setting up boundaries post I've put all over AAC recently. I am not sad so much as generally pissed off at myself and the world.

November 11, 2002
4:50 pm
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Cici
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Fuckety. Just Fuckety-doodle-doo. For chrissake. I am fed up with this BS and toxic people. I realized today with help from a great friend that epiphanies can often cause rifts with oldest, dearest friends.

Hey, P was used to me as a victim. I lived my life like that. She says how I talk changed - no, how I perceived changed. I am a stronger person now. I have boundaries. I never realized until now how violently some can react to boundaries.

Oh, the stupid BS passive aggressive codependent attack. She keeps reminding me about how "together" her life is, and yet she seems so G--D---- unhappy that I call her on it and get booted out.

I doubt we will kiss and make up. Once my trust is betrayed I am wary forever. Forgive, but never forget, because you could end up with egg on your face. And that is somethign I will not tolerate.

November 11, 2002
6:13 pm
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Cici
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Nah, P stands for Prentiss (Haw haw haw, I totally destroyed your anonymity).

The thing about people in denial is that NOTHING gets through to them. I mean, that's the official function of denial, right? Who, me? NOOOOO, not me. YOU!

Passive aggressive BS like "Well, I thought one little argument would never be enough for me to want to cut ties, but I guess some people do." Then she told me that I was in denial because I cut people out of my life and if I were a real adult I would work it out.

FUck that bullshit. Sure, let me "work it out" with the guy who raped me, I'm sure that would make me more adult and emotionally healthy if I had stayed in a relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive man to "work it out". Jeebus. I mean, how much denial can one person spew?

She is totally dishonest with herself and that ALWAYS got on my nerves. Crying and saying "I'm ok" and me pulling her teeth out to actually talk about it and she never would and then she would say I was never "there for her" like she was for me.

I'm spewing right now. I've known her since i was 8. Miss Perfect life, rich family, BMW at 15, college and apartment and credit card courtesy of Daddy, and always refusing to admit that she was rich.

She went off on how she's getting her life together emotionally and financially to "provide a healthier environment for her future children than some" - another passive aggressive attack, like I'm an idiot and my piddling BS degree is just a moron's excuse for education and how I am not financially secure enough to have children. Screw that. I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and old and lonely.

November 11, 2002
8:19 pm
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Squeezles
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You've said a lot of stuff, but what is the main issue here? Just to summarise...You're pissed because you went out of your way to be nice (went to wedding and stayed an extra night), yet she didn't act grateful and in fact was quite rude? And further to that you're upset because in the ensuing argument she's basically attacked everything that you've held valuable (ie your passion for talking about religion, philosophy, politics? that you only have a 'basic' degree? that you have to work to support yourself? that you aren't an 'emotionally stable' person? that you would dare get married and attempt to have children given that you're not 'financially and emotionally stable'?) So basically you view it as her attacking how you live your life, which makes you feel somewhat worthless? Is that sorta on the right track?

Well assuming I'm interpreting the situation correctly, then I can totally understand how upset and hurt you'd feel.

Is it possible your friend had some 'issue' going on that brought this attack on (ie her being upset over how the wedding went? argument with her family?). Does your friend have self-esteem issues? Does she have a history of putting other people down to make herself feel good? Sometimes people just out grow friends and if she is as 'toxic' to your life as you say she is, perhaps you're better off without her?

You seem to be questioning your entire life purpose and happiness. Are you happy with your life? You said that you'd "rather be poor and happy than rich and old and lonely." Are you doubting your happiness because of what she's said? She's obviously had a different life to you - that doesn't make her better or worse than you, just different. Life satisfaction is subjective. Life satisfaction equals happiness and success on the basis that if you perceive yourself to be happy or successful you are, regardless of whether your life circumstances fit some perceived criteria of success. If you're happy with your life, who cares if she doesn't think you're doing things right! You do and that's all that counts.

Things that came out in your post of areas that you're not happy with in your life are your job and possibly your marriage.

What makes you think that Aaron (husband?) is just with you out of fear? Has he said/done anything to make you think that? Are you having doubts about the marriage yourself?

If your job is making you unhappy, is the money worth the pain it is being there? I think at some stage you said that you were planning on working up until trying to get pregnant again (in April?)? I did some quick calculations for you. You have 21 weeks until start of April. Assuming you work 5 days a week, that's about 100 days of work. Assuming you work 8 hours a day, that's 800 hours of work left. Reckon you could stick it out for another 800 hours? Either that or you could try looking for some other work. Try looking for a job and if you get one and you have some holiday and sick leave owing, take it and then give notice while you're on your holiday so you'll reduce the amount of time you have to go back to work (during your notice), if at all.

November 11, 2002
9:28 pm
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irishlass
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Cici, don't give up on your friend, don't quit your job, but if you get an address to that Buddist camp, let me know, because i will go with you...i totally understand your emotions...where you just want to escape the hurt, the pain, the fact that noone appreciates or understands you
You are human. You can't always be the person that is going to take care of others..give yourself a break for the beautiful person you know yourself to be or espcially are capable of being at any given point in time...you had a human moment...so be it...let it go...YOUR FRIEND NEEDS TIME..WHEN SHE IS READY SHE WILL COME AROUND..DON'T FORCE IT..but most of all don't beat yourself up about this.

Now smile and go ask someone who loves you to give you a BIG HUG.

November 11, 2002
10:07 pm
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Cici
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All I can say i, irishlass - that was wonderous. The perfect words to write. eloquent and uplifting. Thank you. 🙂

Squeezles, the hardline truth here. I know there were stresors in her life. family, and her desperation to get married by the time she's 25 (she's a year older than me). And I want to get my graduate degree, I just don't know in what, and it awakens insecurities in me - I dunno. The physical echo of that voice of self-doubt that always follows people.

I'm doing ok. let go let go. I'm emotionally up-chucking on her, rather than addressing the issues the situation awakened within myself.

November 11, 2002
10:28 pm
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Squeezles
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So do you think maybe she's sort of frustrated that you are already married at (what was it? 22?), whereas she hasn't and that maybe makes her feel insecure and a little inferior ("Cici's married and I'm not and she's younger than me. How did she find someone to marry her? What's wrong with me? What if I never get married? Am I ugly? Doesn't anyone love me?" etc). Maybe she looks at your life and sees what she wants but hasn't got. Ultimately money (daddy's credit card) doesn't change people's innate disposition. It's the things that people can't (generally) buy that they crave, like someone to love and who loves you and a family, whereas you have those things (well you're on the way :o) and have been able to overcome so much trauma in your past. I'd say she's in part jealous because she sees that you have happiness in your life and that you're achieving things that she wants (her dig about how she wants to be emotionally and financially secure before she has a family, suggests this).

Then again, you always get people that make themselves feel better by putting others down. A friend of mine does that. I remember in school - we both did French together, she used to get tutoring and was an A student, me I just blundered by in my usual way - we had a test and she got a pretty good mark and was quite proud of herself, and then I got my test back and my mark was half a mark more than hers. Instead of saying "Oh well done" (or something similar) she said "Oh well it's only half a mark" - ahh thanks. Now, it's how much more money she earns, how she's read more articles that me, how's she published more articles than me, how's she's been to more conferences than me, how she's won more prizes than me, how her Phd is so much more complicated than mine, how she'll finish her PhD before me or how she wouldn't have done such and such like I did. I don't care - it's not a competition to me, I'm happy plodding along in my slow little way. My life isn't meaningful if it's better than hers; my life is meaningful if I'm happy. I guess it just amazes me the extent to which she'll go to make herself feel good - even putting her boyfriend down for taking longer to answer questions on an IQ test than her (and then wondering why he didn't perform that well under all that pressure). I don't really think that kind of behaviour is necessary and whilst I find some of her comments upsetting I refuse to give her the satisfaction of dominating my life or over riding my happiness. I love my life. I'm not going to let someone else's petty comments take that away from me.

November 11, 2002
11:34 pm
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gingerleigh
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Ya know what? Weddings, even other people's, are stressful for single women. I am pretty satisfied being a single woman living alone, with a boyfriend for occasional companionship, friendship, and sex, but the past 6 months have me reeling. I've been to 4 weddings in the past year, including my mother's second marriage, and I have 2 more scheduled, one that is planned, and one that is likely going to come up soon (my best girlfriend from high school). I am 26. Hardly an old maid, but it still awakens insecurities in me, and I've already gone through it (as short and pathetic as it was). Many of my single girl friends between the ages of 23 and 40 feel that way. It's stressful, and right or wrong, we can be pretty petty, catty, jealous, etc. and take it out on our married friends sideways, by talking about how important our careers/schooling is, how we are preparing for the future, how we aren't settling, blah blah blah. It's all a ruse to distract us from feeling crappy and rejected for not having a man in our lives who wants to commit to us for the rest of our lives.

*Laugh* Pathetic, but true. Cici, if you have been friends with this girl for so long, try not to let a crappy weekend at a wedding split you up for life. You don't have to let on that you know her dirty little secret, just be cool, she'll come around.

November 12, 2002
9:58 am
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Cici
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Nope, she sent me an e-mail severing all ties today. I am probably being way too needy when I do this, but hey, I am needing right now. I wrote a long e-mail to her yesterday in response to one she sent me. I quoted her e-mail throughout and responded directly. This is her reply:

You're open to solutions, however your entire e-mail ripped apart my attempt to discuss our situation. You say I'm being void of feeling in my responses; I say I'm being thoughtful with my words and not reacting irrationally. I don't feel that anything more I have to say will be productive if this is the kind of dialogue we are to continue. If you wish to continue to discuss how we relate to each other, then let's do so with our tempers checked at the door. Nothing turns me off more than someone who refuses to discuss things in a civil manner, without cursing and criticism over every response. Until you can achieve that state of conversation with me, please, spare me the drama and keep it to yourself.

My response:

Actually nothing in my prior response was said in anger. I asked a friend for help with this situation because it broke my heart. I mean, bascially my last vestiges of trust and faith in friendship have been destroyed. I broke up with a long time friend and confidant. I reached out for help and she sat down with me and helped me work things through and figure out what I thought was a non-aggressive response.

I quote material from other letters because it's easier to navigate a discussion that way. I've done this with Rachel in the past, and other friends, didn't know you would perceive this as an attack. Anyway, I thought my response out, quoted to make the discussion easier to navigate, and tried to mimic vrebal conversation within the letter. You say something, it provoke analysis, reaction, then thought, and I write a response.

Drama? GIve me a break Prentiss. I have had enough drama in my life to know how to avoid it now, and I certainly make every effort to avoid it in my life. At your friend's wedding, I was relaxed and calm, I assured everyone - from bridesmaids to bride, to be calm. I have had deep friendships and love relationships involve the betrayal that cuts you to your heart. I have had more drama in my life than you will ever be able to imagine, so I am amuse that you think my letters are dramatic. Just weird, that's all.

Anyway, being that my temper petered out pretty much right after I saw you last, I am also kind of confused at your request to "check out tempters at the door" - I have no anger towards you directly. I was angry about certain things that were said, but I know Prentiss is Prentiss and I hardly expect a soul mate kind of relationship with you. We are and have always been much too different! That's not deeply cutting, it's a reality, it's ok - there are varying level sof intimacy. I know you have other things going on in your life (God forbid I say you are stressed, even though I say this on a daily basis about myself so I don' perceive it as an insult). I'm not going to go into anything further. I've tried, you see it as an attack.

This last e-mail was mean. I feel like you disguise your anger and cruelty in the mask of civility. Hey, denial is not a river in Egypt.

I felt like I did a HUGE favor for you this weekend and all I got in return was someone who emotionally vomitted all over me. No thanks, no appreciation, no consideration. Not once did you say, hey - you took time off work, you drove 4 hours total with me, stayed at the house of someone you didn't know, hung out with people you've never met - and did it all with a smile and without one word of complaint.

By the way, you are telling ME that my profanity is an attack? Hello? How long have we known each other? Hellllloooooo? How long have I had a potty mouth? Why are you doing this? Why are you treating me this way?

Whatever, it doesn't matter to me. You can go your own way, honey. Be well. Be happy. Look back when you're 80 and be satisfied with your life. I sincerely wish all the best in the world for you and I hope that you have a wonderful, exciting, and fulfilled life. I'm not being sarcastic. I love you and I wish you all the best.

But Cynthia does not forgive and forget. My Mom and I used to be best buds. She hurt me deeply - now I will always be guarded. She is nothing to me but a relative now. Nellie was my dearest friend. She hurt me intentionally, betrayed my trust - all later explained away because of her own personal issues. Fine. My boundaries, though, will not be violated. Interesting that you make no mention of boundaries even though I have it plasted all over my e-mails.

Prentiss, take care of yourself. I hope you save the e-mails I wrote and maybe you can read them and really hear what I was trying to say rather than seeing red.

Until you can achieve that state of conversation with me, please, spare me the drama and keep it to yourself. If you don't see this as an attack, then lose my number. Seek support from someone else. Really. I have been there for you when you asked. I drove 16 hours to be there for you. You know what? I don't need any more bull shit in my life, honey. I love you dearly, but I can't be treated this way and respect myself.

November 12, 2002
10:17 am
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Cici
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I'm just a needy McNeederton.

I'm hurt. I can't help it. I tried, I wrote oodles of stuff trying to work it out. What really hurts is when you pour out your heart and soul and the person not only doesn't bother to read it, but whatever they do read they just don't get. I tried to be as non-aggressive as possible. I tried to communicate something and she just ignores it.

I am so confused. This girl was so passive that she was afraid of pissing anyone off and now she vomits all over me.

I guess I've changed too much.

I feel like a sh*t-guzzling f*cktard whoate ass in the trash on a hot day in hell. Today. I am a nasty bitch. I want to quit work and crawl into a hole and sleep.

Every person in my life who I ever let myself love has gone away and turned around and stabbed me in the back for good measure.

My Mom, didn't speak to me for a year and said I was "dead". Now we are civil because of necessity.

By bestfriend who slept with my boyfriend

My older sisters

My bestfriend of 15 years now.

My husband is trying to be so nice to me but I see him trying to placate me, make me feel better - out of a deep fear that I will get angry.

And now I have to get a second job. Life sucks.

November 12, 2002
10:30 am
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Jadedragon
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Part of the rollercoster of LIFE. No manuals and NO guard rails!! You will be fine, not tomorrow or next week, the wounds are deep and fresh. You have a husband who loves you and stands by you. AND THAT is worth treasuring. I hope you have a better day, and as for the job,... yeah, I hear ya. Get proactive on that, if nothing else, at least like you can FEEL like you are doing something to change the situation. That in itself can take a load off your shoulder. Take care!(( HUGS)) If you need them or not.

November 12, 2002
10:35 am
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Cici
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thanks dragon, I need the hugs. Working 12 hours a day is going to be tough but my husband doesn't make anywhere near as much money as we need right now, but refuses to get another job himself, so I'm going to be the workhorse. I even have to do this while I pregnant next year. I am thinking, though, that if I'm not pregnant this month I will just have to put it off for a long time because we have no money and....

loving and supportive as hubby is, it pisses me off that he didn't volunteer to get a second job. And was totally amped that I decided to do it.

November 12, 2002
1:12 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Cici... Don't take this like I'm telling you what to do, but why the rush to get pregnant? Babies cost a LOT of money. Your friend is being snotty, but her point about having kids when you can provide for them financially is truly valid.

You are still quite young. You have gone through enough crap in your life, why not relax a little and try to enjoy your early twenties some without adding the extra pressure of "I gotta get pregnant next year"? Working 2 jobs while pregnant? SOunds like a quick recipe for Cici hanging herself in three weeks or less. (In that scenario, sounds like a recipe for Ginger in that situation hanging herself in 3 SECONDS or less! *grin*)

Go easy on yourself for a change. Your biological clock has not yet begun to tick. Again, not telling you what to do, but just posing a question as to why you are driving yourself to do everything, WORK, ADVANCED DEGREE, HUSBAND, SECOND JOB, BRATTY FRIENDS, and you want to throw getting pregnant and raising a baby on top of all this? Your early twenties are a time you get to enjoy life, because once you pop that puppy out, your life will never be the same, and in the blink of an eye, you'll be 35, shuttling this kid to soccer, this kid to ballet, wondering where the hell time for you just flew off to?

November 12, 2002
2:24 pm
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BeccaUK
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Hey Cici, my heart goes out to you honey xxx

I have just lost a friend of 4 years. We were uni buddies and lived together for 2 years of the 4. We were involved in a very very close knit group of about 10 friends. We always did everything together. Now, she (K) has broken up with another guy in the group (N). This has been a difficult time for both of them and it was a mutual desision to break for a while to let stuff settle. K lives at home now and we don't see her very often. N lives a mile from me with 2 others from the group and so I see him very regularly. After the split, K became very hostile towards N and was sending him text messages saying that he had ruined her life ect ect..the next day she would send a message asking to see him as if the day before hadn't happened. She came to visit last week as it was graduation week and N was very worked up as he didn't really want to see her. She was staying at his house though as he had promised a long time before the split. She was very destructive from the start. She got hold of his phone and read his text messages, continually bombarded him with questions about whether he had kissed anyone else ect. This made life very difficult for the people living in the flat and this upset N a lot that he felt unwelcome in his own home because she was there. We all went out on night and I was trying to talk to both equally, but she was ignoring me so I chatted to the boys instead. The next day I found out she was calling me a traitor and a bitch because I was spending time with her ex and I wouldn't tell anyone about his personal life (well duh!). The next day I tried again to spend some time with her, but she completely blanked me. She had another big argument with N and this time attacked him and tore his curtain rail off the wall and threw it at him. He has now told her there is no future for them at the moment.I know she needs help, but because she basically hates me, I don't know how to offer any...I don't want to loose a friend, but she is alienating herself from the whole group because of her behaviour and what she has said.

Any advice?

Becca xxxxx

November 12, 2002
4:39 pm
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Cici
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Sounds like her issue, Becca, not yours. You're not responsible for her acting out, nor should you feel that burden! Just take a step back. If she really needs you, she will ask for help. Otherwise, she needs to resolve the breakup with her EX and find a new place amongst our group of friends before she can really settle down and deal with situations with less stress. Hugs to ya ((((BECCA)))))

Ginger,

You tell ME why I wanna get preggos, because the impulse is so intense is scares me. I mean, I wake up having fantasies of giving birth, for chrissake, I mean, who fantasizes about that agony? I feel this very physical pull that comes from somewhere deep inside me and I don't know why at all.

Everything inside me says to wait, and I need to wait in all honesty. I love my little nieces and nephew, but my life is too chaotic to inject another little person that I have to completely cater to.

And yet the impulse, all logical notwithstanding, remains. I can't describe it.

When I was pregnant with Aislin I had a dream 5 nights in a row about meeting someone, someone I loved dearly and was overjoyed to see again. I didn't see faces. I dunno, it sounds weird. But ever since that dream, I'm felt this nearly physical pain to be an incubator.

I can't explain this, even to myself - justifications fail me. It's ridiculous. All my life, since before I had my period, I didn't want children. I proclaimed it to all my boyfriends and family. I refused to think about it. I have adventures planned, thigns to do. Suddenly, evertyhing was different. Life threw me a curve ball. And my outlook and personality changed dramatically.

You know how cats or zoo animals that go through heat act all weird when they're in heat? They yowl and screech, and crouch to the ground, and scoot around, and stare and slink and just generally act freaky? This is me. I am a freaking cat in heat. I meow and purr, and roll onto my back, and stick my butt in the air if my back is scratched. Kidding, but really - I have realized my own very animalistic nature lately. Impulses for behaviors I wouldn't normally consider. Weird food cravings. Bizarre nesting instincts.

Mebbe it's still leftover pregnancy hormones. But something weird is happening with me.

With my luck it's ovarian cysts or something dismally similar.

November 12, 2002
5:43 pm
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gingerleigh
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Don't worry about explaining everything away just yet, Cici. That's what being too smart will do fer ya sometimes, too hard to just let go and just be. We're either sizing up the future or analyzing and slicing up the present to discover the why why why and how how how rather than just feeling the now now now. We all do it... when's the last time you did something just for you, because it felt good, that wasn't about planning for the future or getting the second job or calculating the exact second that you should conceive?

All by yourself, you are enough right now. You will have a baby when the time is right and when the universe thinks you a ready, and not a second before. (Har har, heed your own advice Ginger.) You're doing great... that fighting lion (in heat or not) with the sharp claws and shiny coat, soft underbelly and big courageous heart.

November 13, 2002
10:07 am
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Cici
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Yah, there was yet another e-mail sent to me this morning, more defensiveness and the codependent reactivity that results in turning situations around.

"Well, I may have never even thanked you for taking your weekend out to spend it with me and my friends, but you're the one who accepted my invitation."

Barf. And the whole martyr thing. Help me JEEBUS! as homer would say.

I agree about the stopping e-mails thing. I decided after reading that today that there really is no other option. Reactivity through written word is the worst because there's no way to immediately refust untruths that individuals create.

I am pretty much at a loss. This girl has basically criticised my coping mechanisms, and everything she says is so cold and caluculating disguised as "I am the rational person, you are not a rational person. I don't use profanity, and even though I just said I realize that you swear in everyday language, I'm going to tell you that you're being immature just to let you know I've always thought that."

I'm in a nasty mean mood today and I don't want to see anyone. Grrrrrrr.

Pluswhich, I have to get that stupid second job and I'm already so tired as it is. I might as well be tired from having no life from working than having no life from vegging out in front of the TV, har har har.

November 13, 2002
12:16 pm
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eve
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Cici,

let some time pass over these hurtful e-mails. Maybe your friend is hurting, too and that is why she can't listen - anyway, I'd say give it some time to settle, and then maybe think about whether you want to think about it again.

If you're looking for a job, don't forget to look for a NEW (and maybe even better payed) job! What you are doing right now doesn't sound like what you want to do for any time longer. By all means, keep it as long as you need it, but keep your eyes open for something better. You might also think about a job, where you could continue working part time or working from home when you have a child - e.g. most of the women in our company work part time only, while their children are little. Some of them do only telephone from home, some come in for a few hours a day, some do special projects.... - look for a company where you see something like this could be possible?

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