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so he kissed me and told me he loved me
December 20, 2004
3:06 pm
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kyle
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marley-

Set a limit on your proximity with him and control your emotions when you're around him. Things should naturally drift apart to a certain comfortable level of friendship if he truly respects you. If he tries to be subversive and gain control of you when you're least emotionally grounded, you should see his true colors then.

If he refuses to communicate, or is unable to because of the "truth", well, I suppose that'll give you your answer regarding his character right there, too.

December 20, 2004
3:10 pm
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marley
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we have drifted apart - maybe I am the one who is being subversive? maybe I can't really handle just being friends? I want him to be happy and find someone I really do, but somehow I deal with things alot better when he is just having sex with other girls and doesn't really spend a lot of time getting to know them. I am actually terrified of him becoming close to another woman! I know that is wrong, but how do I stop?

December 20, 2004
3:21 pm
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southgoingzax
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"When I am being honest and he listens then he doesn't like what I have to say and he pulls away from me."

That's called witholding. It's a manipulative tactic.

"maybe I am the one who is being subversive? maybe I can't really handle just being friends?"

This questioning of your own reality is a side-effect of emotional abuse. Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse. Maybe this is way off, I don't know your story, but when you start to question if you are thinking clearly, it is often a sign you are being fu#&ed with.

As for letting go and opening up to new people...well, it took me six years to have another relationship after my first love and I broke up. Things take time. There is nothing wrong with being alone until you are ready and healed enough for another go-a-round.

zax

December 20, 2004
3:24 pm
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marley
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Zax -

Do you think he knows he is being manipulative? Is that something you should tell another person, like hey you are being emotionally controlling and manipulative?

I am really enjoying being alone. I mean really really enjoying it. Sure there are times when I get a little lonely, but I generally just call my friends and go out for an hour or so and I am all better.

This one relationship is the only thing in my life that is confusing and I kind of want it resolved before the new year!

December 20, 2004
3:29 pm
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kyle
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marley-

Anyone that can be callow and heartless or even confused or lost enough to have sex with someone else they don't even know well- none the less when they have a partner around whom they know much better to share their lives with- is not a healthy person to be around.

You're just a very caring person, I think. Just try not to let your feelings get in the way of your logic. And try to be vigilant against any possible manipulation he may try and use on you.

Phew, you've got a tall order lass. Sorry you're dealing with such trouble.

December 20, 2004
3:37 pm
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marley
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Thanks, Kyle! I think that my feelings for people sometimes get in the way of my logic and that is when I end up getting hurt.

I just don't understand how he can say that he loves me and that I will always be a part of his life and still play games. There is a part of me that needs to believe that he isn't doing it on purpose, that he is just confused.

But I think that after all of this time he needs to know how deeply I care about him. I do wonder though if this is really an issue of the baser instincts. I know he has stopped having sex with strangers, but I don't think that means he needs to start trying to have sex with me!

December 20, 2004
4:26 pm
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kyle
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marley-

That's a very logical assumption- hold onto it if he tries to bring it up again.

Most importantly, you need to guard yourself against losing your *self-control* before you find someone worth losing it to.

December 20, 2004
4:27 pm
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workinonit
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Marley, If this is in fact manipulation, which as the thread has progressed, it sounds like, then no, he probably does not know he does it conciously. This is a disorder some how, much like our constant giving. Though more dangerous to others.

Clear thinking is your key to decision. Carefully weigh out the choices, think through several possible outcomes to your choices. Write down pros and cons and DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS BEST FOR MARLEY!

My ex was a manipulator. He was so sly about it and truthfully, until I grew in self confidence, I did not want to see it. It was easier not to look! But, I finally realized and I mean it hit me like a ton of bricks! Do the things you know will build you.

December 21, 2004
2:08 am
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southgoingzax
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marley,

workinonit is right - most manipulators are so sly about it it is hard to figure it out, and you start to feel crazy, like you can't trust what your mind and heart are telling you, because he is saying something completely different, and you trust that he is telling the truth. Therefore the problem becomes yours...you see?

Of course, I don't really know your situation, I could be reading it all wrong. Maybe try to pick up "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans and see if he fits the bill. That at least will give you some idea what you are up against.

Remember that there are some really screwed up people out there who can do and say anything without meaning any of it.

And remember yourself. What do you deserve?

December 21, 2004
12:10 pm
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marley
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Well I am even more confused than ever because he gave me a christmas gift last night. Just on Saturday he told me he was only going to get gifts for his family.

I also had to borrow his truck to finish moving into my new house YEAH!!!!!! I am so stoked to have my own real house with a yard! It rocks. So anyway, I borrowed his truck and he was really sick so another friend and I moved all my stuff. I didn't get done until around midnight and of course he was asleep so he left his door open with a candle burning so I could get my car key.

I didn't want to wake him up so I just left his key there took mine and left. But it really tore me up, that he would leave the house unlocked and I knew that he would. Am I ever going to get to know someone like this again?

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