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so he kissed me and told me he loved me
December 20, 2004
11:47 am
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marley
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and now I am more confused than ever! I can't tell if he wants to get back together or he is just lonely or what. Please help!

December 20, 2004
11:55 am
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workinonit
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Yikes!!!! I would cool that a bit right now. It's Christmas for God's Sake!!! Of course he's lonely and loves you!

Chill on it till Jan 1

December 20, 2004
11:56 am
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iWillOvercome
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what are your honest feelings? about him? about you? about your feelings?

lets start here...

its not about him. its about you.

what do you feel?

December 20, 2004
11:57 am
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marley
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Yeah I am leaving on thursday which will be a welcome break, but he has been helping me move into my new house all weekend and is planning on finishing up tonight and tomorrow . . . he bought me the sweetest housewarming gift and everything. . . not sure what to do between now and then.

December 20, 2004
12:00 pm
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workinonit
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I might try and get unemotional for a second and see if you can tell what is really behind this. Is it real? Does it have any nagging suspicions strung along with it? What's tugging at the back of your mind to even let you post this?

December 20, 2004
12:00 pm
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marley
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I don't know what my honest feelings are. I love him more than anyone outside of my family and I think I will die sometimes if he stopped hanging around. I don't want us to get back together though, I know that. However, he took me to see his parents yesterday and it was a little awkward for the first time ever, so I think there is someone else . . . but he said his mom was being normal and I was just being over sensitive. I don't know what to think I can't quite figure out my issues with him!

December 20, 2004
12:06 pm
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workinonit
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Please be careful. This is such a bad time of year for all of this!

December 20, 2004
12:07 pm
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marley
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nagging at the back of my mind is the idea that he wants to get back together and how awful that would be for both of us, because as much as we love each other, I don't think we love each other like *that* and I guess I am posting this because I am confused.

See he has started bringing up this guy that I slept with that is in our *group* of friends. Months ago when things were more normal, he would never even mention this guy. Now he talks about him all the time.

Then there is this girl, that he is friends with, who lives with her ex boyfriend. I think he really likes her too, so I can't understand why he is being so sweet to me and telling me how fascinating I am and how he really enjoys my company more than anyone else, yada yada yada.

That is why I am posting. Why is he playing this game? What does he want?

December 20, 2004
12:28 pm
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workinonit
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Have you talked with him about this? It is rather odd and it sure sounds like there is something he is not sharing.

December 20, 2004
12:37 pm
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marley
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no, I haven't brought it up to him because I am never sure what is really going on. I mean if there is really this other girl and he is really interested in her, why is he asking me to go look at cabinets with him to refinish his kitchen and why does he sit practically on top of me on the couch and why does he want us to go christmas shopping together? Is he bored, lonely?

I am afraid that if I bring it up everything will get worse. I am trying to find some piece of mind without doing anything about it. I guess that is pretty much impossible.

Plus yesterday I went to a christmas party and met the cutest guy who is a judo black belt and a doctor. We made plans to go out after new years, what is wrong with me?

December 20, 2004
1:12 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Marley,

Try not to read to much into anything till after Christmas like Workinonit said. If it is fake, the true colors will start coming out right after Christmas. Folks get so caught up in the holiday and the moment, etc. Take this time to do a pros and cons list. Think about you and what you want. Just don't jump in.

December 20, 2004
1:19 pm
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workinonit
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marley, why in the world do you think there is something wrong with YOU?????

After all, you are not the one sending the confusing messages.Since he has not verbally expressed any difference, for all intents and puposes, you are over as a couple. Now you are friends. Right?

So go out with the doctor for God's sake!!!! Yikes!

December 20, 2004
1:20 pm
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marley
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am I reading into things? I am just trying to figure out what he wants. I guess I am just concerned because I will see him tonight and am not sure how to act.

December 20, 2004
1:34 pm
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workinonit
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You need to be more concerned about what you want Marley!!!! Remember?

December 20, 2004
1:37 pm
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marley
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I can't seem to figure out what I want right now. I want him in my life, but I don't want him to be my boyfriend. But when we have these talks about me not wanting a relationship and needing to meet other people, then he takes it to heart and spends time doing other stuff. Then I get lonely and I miss him so I want him to come back . . . so I guess what I want is really unfair and unhealthy and I should just be happy with what is, right?

December 20, 2004
1:49 pm
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workinonit
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Oh boy did that hit home for me! See what happens here? I'm trying to get you to see something that is turning back in my face!!

I have a new guy in my life that has been up till now a friend. I told him from the beginning I wqas not ready for a B/F. So, now I am feeling a bit differently and I am not sure I want to be. I have too much hurt in my heart to work through but......I really like him.

Back to you! If you had him as a B/F, what would happen? (Jeez, I better answer this myself) Did it make you happy? Are you thinking there are things you have to do first? Try putting your answers to some questions like this down on paper. You would be surprized what your subconscious lets loose!!!

December 20, 2004
1:49 pm
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southgoingzax
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marley,

you are too emotionally wrapped up in this. It sounds like thinking about him and you and his feelings and your feelings have become all-consuming or, at the very least, obsessive and non-productive.

You will not die if he does not spend time with you. And, if he agrees with you and backs off when you have these discussions, then at least he is trying to be respectful of your wishes. Sometimes you have to take the more difficult road in order to heal...and that may mean walking away from this "friendship", at least for a few months, until you get your feet back under you.

zax

December 20, 2004
2:06 pm
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kyle
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There's a Fremen saying from Dune I always remember when I see people struggling regarding choice:

"Better to squander and waste than to invite disaster."

Hammy enough for a breathing mask, but I hope it helps.

December 20, 2004
2:10 pm
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marley
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we have been spending alot less time together lately. We used to be together about 4 days a week and now we try to see each other maybe only once or twice a week.

I am very grateful that he is always so understanding of my wishes on this matter and I do think that I over think everything all of the time. But he is just so importantnt to me that I freak out when I think he will be gone. Yet when he is gone and when we are apart my life is fine and I go out and meet people, but no one is really interesting to me. I mean they are interesting to talk to but not to spend any sort of real time with. He is one of the only people that I truly enjoy being around. And now that we spend less time together he rarely irritates me.

December 20, 2004
2:32 pm
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marley
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Better to squander and waste huh? So in this situation is squandering and wasting walking away (as in squandering and wasting our relationship and friendship) or am I squandering and wasting my life by trying to have a relationship with this man? What is to invite disaster, too?

Good quote (for the velveeta craving masses) but which way is the right way to apply it?

I wish my brain wasn't so analytical.

December 20, 2004
2:40 pm
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southgoingzax
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I don't know, it just sounds like you are hanging on to him, telling yourself you don't want him as a boyfriend, but then letting him fill the space a boyfriend would fill...so of course, when you go out and meet people, you can't see them fitting into your life (he's already there). You are the only one who know what he really means to you and what you really need in your life. But you can't have him there and expect to have room for anyone else...things ended, right? Try to remember why and let things calm down before you try to pursue this further....

zax

December 20, 2004
2:41 pm
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kyle
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marley-

The analytical and articulate nature of your brain gives you your special flavor. One anyone would be lucky to ever even simply imagine in induldging in.

Regardless, you have a better perspective on the situation than I do.

You have to prioritize the potential outcomes of several different possible resolutions when you think about taking action or inaction with your guy.

I guess I should have given the context in which the quote was presented... heh, even though I think it would have made less sense then.

Squandering and wasting may mean that you will feel lonely this holiday by being cautious to gauge his baser intentions and true feelings.

To invite disaster may mean that you will take him for what he says, at face value, in a time of emotional uncertainty (as you are admitting by coming here and sharing with us), and end up being hurt, yet again, as you have been before, by this man.

But these are strictly two other phrasal interpretations alternate to your own.

December 20, 2004
2:48 pm
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kathygy
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It seems to me the best thing you can do to get clarity is to have an honest and open conversation with him. Then you will know what to do. If you don't talk to him you stay in denial.

December 20, 2004
2:51 pm
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marley
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zax-

thanks for your insight, I really need to remember why we aren't together because I know that those are the same reasons why I should move on with my life.

You are exactly right with letting him fill the space that I would allow a boyfriend to fill! But I am too scared to really get involved with anyone new and to be vulnerable again.

He knows me so well and he is so sweet to me always, sometimes I think it would just be easier to sell myself short and stay with him rather than to push myself into something different. Where do you find the strength to move on and risk being hurt again?

December 20, 2004
2:57 pm
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marley
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Kyle - I think you are right in your assessment of the situation, amazing how I can turn things around so it still comes out with "he loves me".

I am going home for the holidays so not too worried about being lonely. I love my family and there is a guy back there that I met at my sister's wedding, who apparently has been asking about me, so we shall see.

kathygy- I am not sure I can have an open and honest conversation with him on this issue, that is part of the problem. When I am being honest and he listens then he doesn't like what I have to say and he pulls away from me. Then there is this ache of not being able to have him in my life at all.

Is the only solution to cut him out completely? I have been avoiding that option for so long!

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