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So hard to be alone ... is anyone there??
August 25, 2006
9:09 pm
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I am struggling right now with being alone. I am surprized that it is so difficult. I know it is so difficult or I wouldn't be reaching out to all of you right now.

I almost? finally, but really hope this time I can move on and get away from a relationship with a man whom I told six weeks ago that tonight, August 25th, was our third year starting to go out anniversary.
No acknowledgement ... nothing.

Why do I want to be with men who have so little to give emotionally?

To me with all the ups and downs I am glad to have been in relationship with a man who never loved me even though I tried really hard. It is a revelation for me to admit to that behaviour to anyone, especially myself.

It feels so hard to do what is good for yourself sometimes. Any support or input appreciated. Blessings to all

littlespirit

August 25, 2006
9:18 pm
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Is no one else feeling low at this moment? I guess not so I'll post again. Anyone there?

August 25, 2006
9:29 pm
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doubleloss
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hi little. I have been feeling low for a long time. Yesterday was my 1 month anniversary of being dumped. I have some good days and some bad ones. It's crazy how much we choose to suffer for the wrong person, but we are willing to do it. I don't understand either. The heart does strange things. So, what's up with your boyfriend? Mine was so nice, we had a very passionate relationship, one day he got angry and dumped me, just like that. Left me devastated, I have been beyond sad but this community has really helped me. I am going dancing tonight, is the only thing that helps me get my mind of him. And that is also hard because that is how we met, we had our songs and our special dances, now, I cringe when that music plays.
Take care of yourself.

August 25, 2006
9:36 pm
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Rasputin
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((((LS))))

I can very well sympathize and empathize with you. In fact, 3 years ago I dated a man for a short while who was emotionally unavailable. Then he lost his job and moved into a gf's place and I believe she was a classical "Codep" and let him abuse her allwise: emotionally, sexually, financially, and even physically. In addition, she would just be a real "doormat" and let him walk all over her and offer him unconditional love, care, shelter, unquestionable obedience, free accommodation, tenderness, symapthy, free laundry, meals...you name it.

Like your bf, he has nothing to offer her. He is cold, unemotional, unemployed, spends the week-end without her. The only time he took her out on the week-end was to tease me and make me jealous by manipulating a scenario by which he brought her along and started kissing her and stroking her hair only when he saw me showing up.

Despite all this poor treatment guess what? This girl loves him Unconditionally and is ready to do whatever he asks her to do all for the sake of staying with her.

Is this love???? When love deprives an individual from his/her self-esteem, it becomes the opposite of love. It becomes self-hatred.

I believe right now he is suffering from severe depression and is in denial about it.

Just remember honey that being alone and happy is MUCH better than being with someone unhealthy, unemotional and cold.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

August 25, 2006
9:39 pm
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penny lane
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Oh Littlespirit and Doubloss...my heart goes out to you both...I am also alone tonight with no one...feeling lonely...I broke up with my exbf/N over 8 monhts ago...no contact on my part or his ...but i am struggling with the emotional aftermath..I can feel so desperate at times...or unworthy of another relationship ...or ...can I even have another relationship after him....

August 25, 2006
9:39 pm
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Thanks twice for being there

doubleloss.

Needing input

We had an exceeding passionate relationship, incredible music connection, and physically fit too and yet ... he told me ... over the phone and when he was drunk that he still loves his old girlfriend of over three years ago. I said good bye and hung up the phone.

I hear him and will not ever see him or talk to him or phone him again after he spoke those words.

What do you think?

August 25, 2006
9:45 pm
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Thanks Ras for the hugs and prayers ... it means so much

and Penny

this week I looked into joining a singles group at my local museum, contacted a nearby fitness club with an assessment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, saw a contractor about the layout for my new kitchen, and had dinner with longtime girkfriend.

And yet I miss his arms

August 25, 2006
9:45 pm
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doubleloss
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ouch. Has he contacted you at all to talk things out?

August 25, 2006
9:46 pm
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His company too and the smiles and conversation.

Just needing to get on and quit the suffering I guess

August 25, 2006
9:54 pm
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penny lane
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Littlespirit...I too have tried to fill my days with work, tennis, friends etc..movies...but at the end of the day i still come home at night by myself to my dogs ( thank god I have them) but it isnt enough...somedays I can fill and be satisfied, others are just plain lonely as hell...tonight I am here writing to you...I think it is helping me...I try to realize I am not alone and others are feeling the same or worse...in a horrid relationship that they cannot find a way to escape...abused or in pain...so maybe this is not so bad..whatya think?

August 25, 2006
9:55 pm
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doubleloss
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well, at least we know what the other one is going through. I miss him tons.
Rasputin, you are so right, better alone than in bad company. TRUETRUETRUE, and yet....oh no, [here goes the emotionally retarded comment] we still miss them!

I understand at a purely intellectual level that really I am better off without him and that it was going to end sooner or later, and that it was probably going to be worse as more time goes by, but the emotional side doesn't quite grasp the concept. I was left to clean up the mess, not even to pick up the pieces. I feel like a nuclear bomb was dropped and now my heart is just ashes...flip side, the phoenix rises from the ashes...that is giving me a bit of peace [though i know it won't be anytime soon that the bird shows up!]

anyway, going to eat my dinner, baked fish with balsamic and tomato, and pesto linguini. YUMM!

I'll check this thread when I come back from dancing. I have not slept much the last month.

hughs and have a lovely night WITH yourselves!

August 25, 2006
10:05 pm
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MMmmm fish sounds good and pesto linguini ... fantastic!!

Me too ... I think I'll eat, relax, read, watch TeeVee and enjoy my own company. I ;ll be back later to see what people have to say.

Love to all,
littlespirit

August 25, 2006
10:53 pm
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Soulsister
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Hey guys...I'm alone tonight, too.

(((Littlespirit))) and (((doubleloss)))

I'm just blabbing on the internet with people..it keeps my mind off of things..makes me feel less lonely. I talk on myspace..and Plentyoffish..it's fun..and is nice to have the attention.

I might start a party thread in a little while..just to brighten up the evening...

Love to all...Soul

August 26, 2006
1:40 pm
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doubleloss
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((((little and soul)))))
did you have a lovely evening WITH yourselves? I sure hope so. I went dancing after a very yummy dinner [i don't cook so when things don't burn I am quite proud of myself!lol]
Had a great class and danced quite a bit. At some point i was sitting down, resting and suddenly XBF was standing there in front of me. Asked me to danced, we danced, i said thanks you after 2 songs, went to sit down, someone else asked me right away, xbf waited 1 song and then waived good by! So he basically ruined my fun. After he left I went to the washroom to cry, and was going to go home to feel misearable by myself but decided to stay and danced for another couple of hours. Talked to a sweet young guy, and he's like, don't worry, give it time, you will heal , blablabla, so he was now you need to dance, so that was good.

Anyway, I hope your weekend is fantastic with not much heart ache. Look at the sky tonight, Mars is supposed to make it's grand appearance {i don't know if it's worldwide}. Be well and talk to you soon!

August 26, 2006
2:02 pm
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santino
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I know the feeling girl, I just divorced 9 months ago (8 years together) and I just broke up with my girlfriend of 8months, and for the first time sinse I was 19 years old, and for the first time, I'm alone, really alone. No one to call no one to spend time talking to. It sucks, I know. I just try to move on, some days are easier than others but some days are very hard to get through. All my luv.

August 26, 2006
6:30 pm
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doubleloss
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hi santino. also separated for 1.5 years after a 13 years marriage, starting final divorce proceedigns and dumped by boyfriend of 8 months. it sucks! i do have a good social support system but it's that being "alone" also first time since i was 19. Go out with friends, make new friends, have a hobby. Me not interested in a relationship now until I put myself back together, and I am feeling strong and confident. Hughs, and go out OK?

August 26, 2006
8:03 pm
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loverbee
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Hello little, I too am alone right now only because my boyfriend and I spent the summer apart and I am waiting for the last week to go by. At first, I hated it. I hated the silence, the loneliness and the sheer boredom. Then I began doing thiings that I really love to do. I revamped my kitchen and began taking notes as I watched the food network cause I LOVE cooking. I had a lot of fun and ate whatever I wanted and shlumped around because of the fact that I could. I have always been the type of girl to be prettied up the entire time I am in a relationship as long as I am with him. It makes me feel good but it was nice to be able to relax. So you try to do the same.

August 27, 2006
4:28 pm
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My therapist pointed out yesterday that I don't really miss him (and the negativity he brought to our relationship) but the connection of being in relationship with someone I care about.

Went for a fitness assessment yesterday and did my first pilates class today. Though I don't really talk to the other members yet, it does help to feel as though I am breaking down my isolation and reaching out. Just like you guys here and now that I can connect to...

This too shall pass ... and I know or rather believe that how I deal with this loss will help to shape my future

August 27, 2006
4:48 pm
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SeeingStars
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Im here: Alone. But not lonely im good with being by myself.

I totally understand trying to do the best thing for yourself: but being the hardest decision you'll make. I think the way you get through that is knowing you BE in a better place after the process in motion.

There a notion that once you do something good for you mind and your body: that you'll be jumping for joy and feel great. But many time its just the opposite.

Theres so many words, and pass history; you just wish that things were different: or ask the question WHY? do that person has to be this way.

Find something to do that you like doing: noting destructive to your body, something to keep your mind from asking questions. I find myself having to do this a lot.

But if you start finding the things that you can do to not think about the situation: you'll get into a positive habit of doing something good for yourself, instead of harming yourself with more questions

also: You using the word "loved you", but if hes not there emotionally, then thats not love: its just being there with you. Some people come into other lives because their lonely, bored, or confused.

I say dont even ask the question of why he had to be a certain way: focus more on you and why you wanted him.

And was the affection you wanted realistc or not. Understand that whatever his actions: you still want some who loves you fully: not just "be there for you". search for that.. and not half love.

I feel you loved him more, then he could love you. Thats not good enough for any relationship. Its not balanced: and a realtioship like that will always have more confusion this way.

August 27, 2006
5:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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Littlespirit -

It is hard, adjusting to not being in a relationship...to being alone. This is the first time in more than 25 years that I have NOT had a "man" in my life. Scared the tar out of me at first. I was willing to remain in an toxic relationship, rather than face making it on my own, financially, emotionally and socially. It has now been 2-1/2 months on my own and I am getting comfortable with it. Occasionally, I am lonely. Sometimes, I feel afraid. But, overall, I am becoming peaceful, content and even happy. Life is becoming good again. I had forgotten what it meant to be free from a man's control, rages, demands and do whatever I please in safety.

I posted here today to reassure you that the terrible pain DOES get better. The anguish does pass. You will learn to sleep peacefully again and wake up happy. Time heals. No Contact can be really hard, but it is the only path to recovery.

Be kind to yourself. Keep posting here. Let the understanding of others who have gone through (or are still in) the agony of ending a relationship surround you, while you grieve for your shattered hopes.

- Strong

August 27, 2006
5:15 pm
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Thanks so much Strong

Your words of wisdom and experience are like a welcome drink in an arid dersert.

I believe that my life will be good again and it encourages me to go on ... alone.

I want to fill my life yet not with meaningless filler.

I want to look back on this painful time and say "Well done girl"

It will happened ... and I have learned no more relationships for me with uncommitted and emotionally retarded scared men.

Fortunately I do enjoy my own company which is an outcome of being an only child, so my mantra is "This too shall pass" and keep moving on. And your kind words are a big part of that determination. Thanks

August 27, 2006
6:24 pm
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CAMER
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being alone is a feeling, you are never alone, as long as you have (((You)) remember that, sometimes when I feel bad for me, or want to have a pity party and feel the emptiness I do that...but truely you are never alone, just look at all of us who are "alone" yet here for eachother!!!
(((camer)))

August 27, 2006
7:06 pm
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gazelle
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I'm alone & sometimes utterly desperate. I drink wine alone in my flat every evening. Can't bear missing my 2 exes (at different times). Oh well, it's after midnight here, so I'll finish up this bottle of Chardonnay. Cheers! (sob sob wail)

August 27, 2006
7:19 pm
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capercaillie
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I feel alone at the moment - because I am ! Well not in a relationship anyway so sometimes I feel I am in solitary confinement! I do have friends in plenty but don't feel very close to anyone at the moment. I did feel very confortable with the ex boy friend but he was a disaster - a liar and a player. I think I only felt close because he was adept at responding to me so I felt understood but really he couldn't care a shit. I ended it feeling very strong but I feel very alone now 6 months later. My previous boyfriend to that would like to get back but I didn't feel so comfortable with him strangely, and he doesn't come from a background that i can totally relate to. So though it is tempting something also stops me. I will meet up for lunch though this week so we will see.

August 27, 2006
8:41 pm
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I like the idea that I am never alone when I am with myself. I crack jokes and laugh, do what I want and when I want to, eat what I want with no consideration of another's wants and tastes.

The main thing is to be good to ourselves and treat ourselves with love.

I too would drink too much, too often and went on a ninety day alcohol 'fast' and felt I had really accomplished something. Trying to drown my sorrows didn't work ... just added to them. Besides, I needed to have something to be proud about. You know, ... self esteem, self respect and self determination. Not looking to anyone or anything ... just being with myself

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