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so confused..continued (light chaser)
March 14, 2006
12:43 pm
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nd2talk
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Hi, lightchaser,

I'm having trouble responding to posts. I can't figure it out. so I just created a new thread. I think a lot of what you said is true. It's not so much that I'm just upset that he was looking at porn, I'm upset that he lied about it and stayed up sometimes till like 3am looking at that stuff. That seems excessive. Also, I'm not a prude and have been willing to view porn with him several times, so him hiding it confuses me. I don't have a problem with casual browsing, I have a problem with obsessive browsing. I think I have insecurity problems and he does to. I think more so now he is starting to be less controlling which I was giving him credit for but now since this happened its making me think he doesn't care anymore and that's why he is cooler about me doing things on my own. I can only imagine how bad this sounds. When he's controlling I complain and when he's not I get insecure. Also, our sex life hasn't been very active in a while so when I asked him he said it was because I had gained weight. Now, I appreciate the honesty but I think there's something wrong with that comment. I can loose weight which I have been long before this happened, but what about when I start getting old, is he going to trade me in for a younger girl? I think porn and the media contribute to some of his thinking and unrealistic views of what females are. Sorry for the long post, but I can't believe how helpful writing stuff down can be sometimes .

March 14, 2006
1:03 pm
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jewel
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I can understand why you are upset. I would be too. I agree about the media giving an inaccurate viewpoint of what "normal" females are like. I mean, they have personal trainers, a stylist, a makeup artist, diet(what fun is that?), and we rarely see pictures of them when they are not made up. That is not realistic at all. Sometimes I feel inadequate and not good enough when I compare myself to that and then I think, damn would I look good if I was all made up and dressed up. I choose not to because I am comfortable in my own skin and don't need makeup or any of that. I am not afraid of who I am and don't need to cover it under a mask. You said your sex life is down and he said because you gained weight. Ouch, that is very hurtful. Yeah, he was honest but is he in the relationship for who you are and not just your body? I know how it can feel when your bf looks at porn. I know mine used to and maybe still does. I never noticed on my computer though. It made me feel insecure too, but then I just let it go. Everyone has fantasies I guess. I think guys are more into porn than girls. Did you ask him why he is looking at it so much? Is it an escape? I wish I could give you advice, but I don't know how to handle this. I would be feelig the same way that you are.

March 14, 2006
1:15 pm
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nd2talk
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Hi,

When I asked him why he first said he didn't know. That he's looked at it since he was young and thinks he has an addictive personality. I also mentioned what you said that it could be an escape or him trying to fill a void, and then he just started crying. He mentioned money problems and said he would seek counsling to help him figure it out. Also, we've been together for four years and I gained weight about the last two, and find it hard to believe that he was only with me because of my body. Yeah, I looked better when he met me, but it's not like I'm disguisting now. Maybe he's just using that as an excuse and anyways when u truly love someone things like weight shouldn't matter. If I can keep it real for a moment: it's not like he's a stunnder, not at all, he should be grateful that I like him!! 🙂

Seriously: He's normally such a good person that part of my sadness is also disappointment. And because I am upset, I try to talk to him about it but he just kinda of listens and says he's sorry. I little porn wouldn't bother me, but doing it behind my back for hours in our home while I sleep sucks!!! I

March 14, 2006
1:35 pm
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taj64
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It sounds like he is putting too much energy into the porn and it is affecting your relationship and with this in mind then you do have a problem and it is up to him to address it as long as he is aware of it. You are not getting your needs met if he is cutting into time with you and your intimate time as well. Why would he be interested in having sex when he has been spending hours and hours being turned on. He is probably too tired for it. Also then you have to look at the morality of it. You say you are ok with it but the amount of it concerns you. If it goes against your morals and you really aren't comfortable with it then that could be a problem for you if you are compromising your own morality for his, putting up for the sake of it just to keep things at peace. Just something to be aware of what you feel.

March 14, 2006
2:15 pm
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lightchaser
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Hi there again, I think that clarifys things for me a bit. OOHHH, I know what you feel like when your BF says you gained weight and that was the problem. My H- too looked at ALOT of porn and then after I had his baby I was suddenly to heavy. It hurts. It sounds like maybe the counciling for him would be a good idea or maybe couples counciling to talk about these issues? I wish I could be of more help. I'll think on this a while and write if I come up with anything.

March 14, 2006
2:24 pm
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taj64
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If a man treat women as objects instead of a woman then I can see where men make comments about weight. Then porn is a issue if one spends hours and hours looking at women that have better than the average body, it would be hard to measure up to this type of woman. I seriously do not think i could handle having a man not respect me enough to be ogling over women over the internet. It would hurt my feelings. it would hurt me more than it would to work out the relationship. But that is me.

March 15, 2006
9:32 am
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SassyAlex
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nd2talk, I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is a topic that is so incredibly heartbreaking to so many women. Men who participate in watching porn don't want to take a look at how much their behavior often rips their partner apart. Have you asked him how he would feel if he knew you were spending hours looking at other naked men in a sexual way while masturbating? I'm sure he wouldn't like it very much. I would hold him to his promise of seeking therapy, and if he backs out, it's time to make some major decisions. In my experience and from speaking to many women about this, it is something that does not go away easily, if ever. He has been doing it for a very long time you mentioned. Even if he is crying to you about it, expect his porn viewing to continue. And you being upset about it might just push it underground, and he will sneak around about it more and lie about it more. Well, he already has been lying about it.

And as if you don't feel bad enough, he goes and blames it on your weight gain. No wonder you feel insecure! You put on some pounds, and he turns to spending hours masturbating to fake sex and fake women. Don't let him turn it around on you and make you feel like it's your fault. He's trying to shift the responsibility of his own behavior onto you, and that's not fair.

This might end up being a dealbreaker for you two. Even if he is not willing to go through with therapy, I think you should go so you have someone to talk to about this and so you can work on your self esteem. Good luck to you, and keep posting here for support!

March 15, 2006
12:44 pm
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nd2talk
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Hi,

Thank u SassyAlex for all your advise. We talked a lot more last night and I did tell him that he can't turn all of this around on me and that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. He also finally being more open about the topic and sharing more information with me. Apparently, he has been masturbating everyday since he was a young teenager. I'm so shocked that I had never noticed before. Apparently, he's always done it throughout our relationship also. Like before I get home from work. I agree that I also need to talk to someone. Also, he's now trying to be a lot more sexually active with me which in one way I think is good but it also makes me feel weird. I don't know I guess I'm never happy. When we didn't have sex I complained and felt bad, now that we're making a commitment to do it more often, I also feel bad. I think I feel bad because of how it came about and the shock of it all.

I wish I could be strong and just walk away, but to be completely honest I don't want to. I want to believe things will work out. I know he probably sounds like a monster but in reality there's a lot of good in him.

Also, I think because we live together and have been together so long, it makes it that much harder to walk away.

But again, I don't want to walk away, I hope things work themselves out through both of us going to therapy.

March 15, 2006
2:35 pm
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nappy
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The more that you keep talking to him about it the more he is going to continue to do it behind your back.
If you really look at it, it is like playing a game. You say that the more controlling he is the more you feel insecure. Some people are taker and not giver. Taker will do anything to make the other feel bad, insecure and worthless.
My advice to you is to let it go. Until you realize that you can not change him, you can only change yourself. If he feel that you have gain so much weight, then why is he still there. Why is he not trying to help you lose the weight if that is something that you want to do. Mens looks at other women whether they are real or on the computer, just like we womens look at other mens but we wouldn't go home and tell him why he do not look like so and so because that would hurt him very badly. I would work on me first and let him work out his own problems. Be the person that god made you to be not what man want you to be. Because they can make you up to what they want and when they are tired of you they will leave for something that they think is suppose to be. And looks will change over the course of time, you better believe it.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it come and cherish yourself in it.

March 15, 2006
3:26 pm
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nd2talk
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Thank u everyone for all your advise and for helping me sort out my crazy thoughts and feelings.

P.S. Nappy,

You're right about so many things, thank u again.

March 15, 2006
4:54 pm
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taj64
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From everything you mentioned it sounds like he has a sex addiction. It is possible anyway.

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