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So, Am I Co-dependent ??
November 4, 2004
12:06 am
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CaptainOzzie
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You guys seem to know what it's all about. So, I would like to know if I fit the mould as co-dependent. Let me explain.
I have had the same partner for the last 6 years. We live apart but enjoy times together. I think I love her and I think she loves me. Problem is, when we argue ( which is infrequently) she runs away and calls off the relationship. When this happens, I become deeply depressed and sometimes suicidal. Somehow, we always eventually patch things up but my reaction when things are bad worries me. I don't need to have somebody living with me all the time. But I do desperately need somebody to love and to know that that person loves me. Is this co dependent behavior ???

November 4, 2004
12:32 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm not trying to blow you off, but only you can decide if you are codependent or not. If you go back to the home page there are a list of symptoms that you can check out to si what you think.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Why do you desperately need somebody to love and to know that that person loves you? I think that's a wonderful thing having someone to love, but are you not ok if it is just you also?

Check out the symptoms, etc. and come back. Be glad to talk w/ you.

November 4, 2004
12:55 am
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sewunique
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I am new to this wonderful site. I have left my spouse of 17 yrsand filed for divorce this past May; still going to court, etc. I know I have been codependent through recent therapy. My question is; if I have just imagined I have an abusive husband, or is it my exageration? I know he has been verbally and mentally controlling, but is it because I have relingquished my own wants and needs to make our marriage work? When I found out he had been taking pics of girls, as well as my dtr,. in their clothing, but in perversive positions, he blew up at me. He has his own darkroom to develop pics. I did not show him what pics I had found, still, he blew up, in a rage, trying to tear off his shirt and telling me "the trust is gone, now I have done it" and I can talk to his lawyers about a divorce. He then lunged at me, and took me down to the floor, yelling that he loved me. I was so scared, I left the house. Was his lunging on top of me on the floor a form of abuse or just fear of me leaving him? I have wondered about this as it occurred Dec of 2003. When I went back to our home last month to start packing my things, another incidence occurred. I was holding my dog, while the furniture mover was there to give me an estimate to prepare for my moving. My husband thought I was gooing to take the dog and he lunged at me again to try to graab the dog out of my arms. I fell forward and bruised my leg. I went to my car, locked the door, with dog with me, and he detained me from leaving the driveway. I called 911 and had to return my dog to him. Perhaps I was just being the one causing harm trying to take my dog? (Court has not decided if I get my dog, or if keeps her.) I am just racking my brain to try and assure myself that i have not just imagined what his behaviors are abusive or if I am just as crazy as he says. My married dtr of 34yrs old has not spoken to me since May 2004 when I filed for divorce. She says I have deserted her and her 3 children and I have no reason to divorce and never talked to the family about this before hand. (Not true, she earlier said she was tired of my complaining about my husband and I never have anything nice to say about him. This is a step father to her. I married him after she graduated from high school.) Sorry this is long, but can anyone help or lead me to some information? Thanks, sewunique

November 4, 2004
7:00 am
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CAMER
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hey Capt: with the suicidal thoughts..that is not good, have you ever been diagnosed with depression....cuz it seems whenyou argue and she breaks up...a sense of Loss and abandonment come to you, and your thoughts on suicide..that is not goood thinking.

As Mama, said...check out this main page website, and also go to http://www.coda.org for more information on coda.

P.s....SewUnique...your listing may be overlooked, its best to copy and start a new thread with this, each thread is for one topic and for that person who started it....why not copy and paste your writing with a new thread name??

November 4, 2004
8:22 am
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mamacinnamon
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sewunique, Camer is right. You need to copy and paste to a new thread. If you don't know how ask and we'll help you. But to answer here in case you haven't copy and pasted.

If he is taking those kinds of pics it will only lead to his getting worse. He has NO right to lunge at you and pin you to the ground no matter what he is screaming at you. I don't think this is something you should ignore.

November 4, 2004
12:51 pm
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kathygy
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Captain, Those suicidal thoughts may be anger turned inward. You are so angry at her for running away but don't feel you have the right to those feelings. Does that sound familiar at all? She is wrong in leaving after an argument. In a healthy relationship both people stay present and talk through an issue until resolved. If she is so angry that she feels that if she stays she will say something she regrets she should say so. You need to understand what is going on with her by talking honestly with her when you are NOT in an argument. Conflict resolution is very important in a relationship. If she lacks the capacity to stay and try to work things out I would look for someone who does.

November 6, 2004
5:29 pm
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on my way
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sewunique, one thing I have learned is that there are no wrong or right feelings, so we don't ask ourselves is the way I feel wrong or right? How you feel simply "is". And that is what you pay attention to. If you believe your husband abused you, then that is what happened, and you work from there. Personally I agree with you, he sounds abusive. You are worthy of respect, and you are worthy of being happy. It is unfortunate that your daughter will not speak with you, but that is NOT your fault, and you cannot change the way she feels...in other words, you are NOT responsible for the way she feels, or how your husband felt...just yourself. And tis is not selfish. One thing codependents do is that we feel responsible for everyone's feelings, and think that if we cannot FIX everything, then we have failed. This is having an over sense of responsibility. Take care of you for awhile, go to a SPiritual 12 Step group, some churches have these programs. Codependents are generally so worried about everyone else, we end up exhausted mentally, physically, and spiritually, from not thinking it is ok to take care of ourselves. Good luck, you will be ok.

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