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Smoke, Fire, My Wake Up Call
January 24, 2005
4:24 pm
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sewunique
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Just venting;

Feeling like crap this AM. Dragging my feet not motivated to do what I need to do. Housework stands glaring at me. No one else to show it if it's clean, don't give a rip. All my caat cares about is a clean litter box, food and to be petted when she decides she needs to be petted. At least she doesn't give me any flack back when her needs are met!

Finally got a call from my estate attorney, can pay the foreclosure amount. Got it knocked down by almost two thousand less. Yipee, but the stress is still there. Go and get it wired, tell attorney, great job, this means Alot to me. This he knows.

So now I have enough money to pay the bills this month. I can fill the empty refrigerator again with more than just cheap veggies.

Have a job interaview tomarrow. Am I ready? Shit, no. My own fault, have to work on resume. What to wear? Still not done with licensure application. I am a mess.

Have to get an airline ticket to see my STBX. I am so angry at him right now. Why should I have to move away, leave a beautiful home I decorated and found the plans for it to be built.? Why does he have MY dog still? Has he put her 'down to sleep' forever and not told me yet? That would be unbearable. I haven't seen her since May. He gets to see MY daughter and grandchildren, not me, tho' he violated my trust and took pictures of her that were not right to do. He will never alpoligize, nor admit he is manupulative and did wrong. I could just what, I do not know. Wish I could tell the world, the Judge, his school what he has done taking pictures that are inappropriate. Mr. Wonderful they call him. He is a shmuck. Now I learned what that Yiddish word means, it is fitting. A smuck, a p....k. It feels so good to say it.

I thank God that the foreclosure is being stopped. Why did I get it this way? No money. Not being responsible, ignoring things, letting things pile up. I don't like who I am being right now. I feel sorry for myself. Thinking about this site and a friend who was not able to cry and was stuffing things in. Yep, know how to be strong. She may be be, but I am just in denial. No motivation and feel bad about me, when I am feeling bad. It is my fault for getting things this way.

I finally am letting the tears flow and flow. It hurts. I hurt. Damn it all to heaven. At least I am finally able to cry. Who cries at 50 yrs plus? It isn't so bad. It could be worse. That doesn't help. I still hurt. And I am so very very so very angry, I could pop. No wonder my stomach is bloated with feeling like a pumkin inside will pop anytime. I can't contain the anger.

While crying, my smoke alrm screams. what the dickens? Kitchen is filled with smoke. Did I leave the burner on the stove again? No. emptied a warm match in the garbage. Smoke in plastic. Ugh. Stinks like hell. Run around dosing water on it, throw open the windows and turn on the ceiling fans. Still like gaging, eyes burning. I really feel stupid, careless, what if I had been gone?

Then I realize, I was feeling the feelings, not in denial, hurting so bad. This was my wake up call. Was my prayer answered that I need to just get up and 'do it?' Just do what I have to do and stop moapping? Yes, I am in a bad way. Life is shit for me right now. I am hyper and nervous with all going on. But it could be worse. My wake up call was screaming at me like an alarm...to get going with my life. It's my life. I hope this will help with my motivation to actually get up and do it.

Just venting. No one needs to read this nonsense.

Sew/CS I wish I could add my name here, I need to feel.....?

January 24, 2005
4:34 pm
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CAMER
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(((Sew))) this is not nonsense!!! i care about you!! and heck, you are venting and thats what this group is here for ...support!!!! You do have alot going on. Glad things are moving with the estate deal. Pardon me but what is STBX (I bet something to do with the word boyfriend) i need to learn this computer lingo more!!

(((Sew))) I am glad you could cry and feel some feelings, and you are not in denial...things get backed up and the whole world seems to be crashing in on you, but you know what, in a few hours things will look brighter, cry the tears you need, and know you will not always feel this way.

And tell your Ex to give you your dog back!!!!!

good luck on your interview 2morrow, and I wish you a peaceful day...give yourself a hug from me..You know the deal.....take your arms stick them out wide apart and then wrap those arms around you and hug, hug, hug!!!

Take deep breaths, try to relax, and everything will fall into place as it should!!!

love, camer

January 24, 2005
4:41 pm
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STBX...soon to be ex...the sooner the better.

Thank you camer, as ever. I really felt foolish for posting this. Wish I wasn't feeling what I feel, but at least I AM GETTING the feelings out!!!!!!!!! I goes from anger to saddness to pity me to stupid me to anger, it just keeps rolling on. Maybe this is what it's all about? Damn. I hate it.

Thanks, yah, I know you're routine...thanks, just gave myself three hugs. Felt good, you are a sweetie, thank you so much!!! Guess I'll need to do the hugging quite a bit today!

Sew/C

January 24, 2005
4:41 pm
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Sew, honey...it is good that you are venting, crying, anything you need to do. I had to laugh when I read the first P about your cat though...:-), but I'm sosorry you feel so low and in the pits. Life sucks sometimes doesn't it...and to top it off? We ahve to keep going!!! don't you wonder? BUT...you need to cry, denial...no, you just try to seek the best way to survive. You are strong, so that is a positive about you.
So today? Do nothing if you don't want too, and pick a time tonight 6:00? to work on your resume. IF you need help let me know. You have been under much stress lately, and your ex is a major jerk who seems to be getting away with it...but hang in, ok? Love and hugs, and keep it coming, write some more if you need too.

January 24, 2005
4:42 pm
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STBX spouse, so I will be single and free. Free to be me.

January 24, 2005
4:42 pm
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Sew- you have always been there for me and the main thing you have to remember is that YOU are so much better than what he is, you are caring and you feel pain and hurt, and crappy shitty people like that thrive on it. They are the scum on the bottom of a shoe that stepped in dog shit, then stepped in sewer water, and then stepped on throw up, he is the SCUM beneath ALL of that. You are a inspirational caring person and don't let that jerk wad, crack butt, fuck face let you think any different.

And the thing about wake up calls is that they really do work when we want them to.

January 24, 2005
4:47 pm
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aces!!!**jerk wad, crack butt, fuck face ** too funny!!! now Sew keep
re reading those words....that'll make you laugh and know what a real jerk he is!!!
(((camer)))

January 24, 2005
5:06 pm
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Thnk you OMW/S,

I feel like a wreck. I almost feel stupid.....know I am not, but when I am down and out, I feel that way. Heard it all my life, so I bekieved it. Found out when I entered college in my late twenties, that I wasn't so stupid after all. But I feel like it, you know? Old recods playing. When I find out where I have stored those old records (inside of me), I plan on breaking them and smashing them to smitherines!!!

Funny about my cat, huh? She/s a taker sometimes. But she does give back more that my husband did. Think I am mad about him? I wasnt justification!!!! I want an apoligy! I want his acknowledgement of his wrong doing! I want his sorry butt to take the responsibility for his actions. I want everyone who thinks he is wonderful to know what a smucjk and lier he is!!!
I want my dog back. Murphy Brown, as the show. Cute and fitting name, as I am an advocate for women's rights (aren't we all) and Murphy has a real 'attitude', like Shiz Tsu do have. Wish she'd go and just bite him!!!Grrrrrr

I need to get a cooking alarm so I won't loose time. (Some ADHD here).

I need to find my old resume and work on it tonite. I need to eat, I am hungry. I need to feel those feelings.

I want, I need, the house smells just horrible.

Thank you OMW I did not mean to vent while responding back to you.

Really? To be available for any resume questions? If so, I will plan on keeping my PC open here 7 EST? That would be great. Not sure if I will need your help, but you being here is always a comfort. Wish we could just have a cup of coffee or good brewed tea toghether!

Thanks for acknowledging the humour about the cat. I usually keep a bit of humour in my pocket, for just-so situations.

Love and hugs back atcha'

Sew/C

January 24, 2005
5:08 pm
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Camer, I am howling in laughter! Jerk, smuck........learning to swear is very embarrassing, but feels so damn good!

January 24, 2005
5:17 pm
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Omw...oh my word...Aces you crack me up!

What a pile of sh*t. Yes, he is. And to think I was married to him for 18 years. How pathetic am I, or....was I? no more will I stew and take this crap.

You are so right, I know this, but the feelings are out and god have mercy, this women is out like a tiger! Forget about the meek little meow....growl, watch out. I gadda get this crap out of me. It will make you sick and kill you if you let it stay inside.

I am going back and re read your post you all and PRSCTICE saying these words and whatever comes out. Thank god I am alone. Poor kitty Schotz, she is purring right now....if she only knew what I was saying! Funny how animals sense things. She won't leave me alone today.....Oh damn,,,,smuck,,,,yadda yadda..........

January 24, 2005
5:20 pm
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sewunique
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yes, Aces, wake up calls and more working to do....darn it, was doing so good. going back to venting. Cover your ears.......

January 24, 2005
5:22 pm
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You are still doing good, you OWE yourself this, you vent all the hell you want, and we will be here to listen, and of course add our two cents in.

January 24, 2005
5:24 pm
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on my way
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Sew, I remember wanting revenge, but conscience is really the best revenge when it finally sinks in...it turns up as something awful inside...so don't worry. I hate to sound evil-kenevil that way, but it's true.

Seems like I can relate to the yucky feelings that come with being anything less than happy go yappy perfect, huh? Beleive me it is not worth it. Plate smashing party anyone? Glad you are letting this OUT, you go girl, it's ok!

January 24, 2005
5:41 pm
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It is too hard fofr me to break anything or to punch anything. I do not want to hurt me or break anything. Do I nee a punching bag? I am too pollyanna is the short version to describe me. I hate that word, bad word to use. I am not athletic. But I did see the movie 'Million Dollar Baby" with Clint eastwood. The girl was a boxer. Imagine that? Anyone want to be my butt kicker? We'll take his sorry as* and kick it to tim buck too and a half.

I know revenge is not the answer, I want to be ????? justified for the wrong doing???? I need something.

Picture this....this pretrial leaves with no agreement. And So far, lloks like he still wants to negotiate and I will not settle for less....I worked overtime and every other weekend, double shifts while he had summers off. Ok, so he is a teacher. But for me to work and he just fishes all day is not fair. He could have helped out those times. Give, give give from me while all he did was take it all. No more!!!!

Getting back to pretrial, which goes to trial. They won't hear about any abuse in WIS in court...no fault state. so while I am in court, in front of the Judge, I accidentally drop those lewd pictures he took on the floor, in front of the Judge. How is that? Is that revenge enough? Then I could pipe in a few words of his abuse with any anwers to questions that are asked of me. How's that? Is that wrong? Can I do this? This would be satisgactory enough for me, to have the Judge, to hear this while making a decsion about my life and future. This is what I want to do.

January 24, 2005
5:52 pm
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I just punched my pillow, like some therapy tells you to do. This is most embarrassing, to admit it.Honesty is the key. So I did it. I did not realize I was so angry, still am. Got to get over this thru it away from it.It helped some.

Thanks you guys for being here. Just will have to work on anger, yuck.

January 24, 2005
5:55 pm
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Later, got to go and look for my resume. Be back at 7.

OMW, are you over most of your bad moment? Or still working thru it? How did you get thru It?

January 24, 2005
6:07 pm
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Sew, what did your attorney say about filing them "for the record"? Cannot be brought up in court, but what about getting them on file?

January 24, 2005
6:08 pm
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still workin through...

January 24, 2005
6:55 pm
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I asked her twice. No way will she do it. Says this state does not care about other issues. And my divorce attorney had an abusive spouse as well, so she fully understnds me and where I am coming from.. She is good, and fair. His laywer has a reputation for being the worst; nasty etc. Like nastiness attract like nastinesses. My attorney recieved the "atorney of the year award" last year in WIS. She says she has never lost a case with any pre nut she has written, so she knows the language and twists and turns to one. Remember, I have that hanging over my heas...the pre-nup. Both attorneys agree it is not a true pre=up as far as the language and form and does not have all the criteria for a pre-nup. However, the Court Commisssioner wrote it down as a ? consideration for the Judge, or he, if he rules and we do not go to trial. Seems so unfair. If you'd read it, you'd see the unfairness of the pre-nup. I had no legal rep., signed day before the marriage, no financial disclosure in his part. Now, he claims garage was built before we married; was not;;'so and so forth. It really sucks raw eggs.

I feel scared, like my entire future is being held in this Judgesand court commissioner' hands. Footprints....wish I could feel God's protection right now.

PS....Bible says; vengence is mine, saith the Lord. Or is that different than revenge? Or is that different for God, but not for me? maybe I am quoting scriptures wrong.
See you in a few....just cleaned up the charred garbage...stink

Have to still find that resume.

So what do you think about spilling the papers on the floor? Would it look like a cheap shot? My lawyer laughed, said "that would be something, would really make his eyes opnen" (meaning the Judge). Maybe she did not take me serious? Or was and in hopes I could pull it off?

January 24, 2005
7:06 pm
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I don't see why you couldn't spill the papers, and walk out. Don't say anything, you may be found in contempt of court if you do. Just make sure you have copies.
If the garage is really an issue, do you remember who built the garage. For appraisal value, call and ask for a receipt, would that be an easy option for you?
With all of these things up in the air, and if you don't settle, there is nothing left to do but go to trial, and that is what you want right? Glad you have a good attorney. Is WIS a split asset 50/50 state?
Sew, pray to God to remove your fear and replace it with peace, ask him to take care of you. I know it must make you feel so helpless, but these guys do not have that much power, esp if your attorney is good...I remember those feelings, mine were about my kids. My attorney was great(still is, :-), whoops off the subject aren't I....)so try not to worry too much. You are moving ahead, and you have so much to offer the world...you'll make it.

January 24, 2005
7:50 pm
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Sew,

Here is a visualization I used many years ago for Mr. Wonderful. - Perhaps it will help you, and I will also add the "ending" to the excercise for you.

I'm driving down the road, my long hair flowing in the wind (well, O.K. because of treatment it's 1/2 inch long, but at the time it was down to my waist), the sunlight makes the red glow among the dark brown strands, my green eye's lookin so good... top down, listening to some good music.

I'm driving along and I see a dead body on the side of the road... it's Mr. Wonderful. I pull over to the side, slightly ahead of where I lay - back up the car, run him over backwards and again going foward -

I want to make sure it is done right.

It is.

Evil laugh emanating from Zin!

Fast foward... about ten years later...

Walking in the drugstore while on vacation visiting my family. Mr. Wonderful and I grew up in the same neighborhood - Hispanic, blue collar, not a bad place, more and more gang activity now though... so not such a good place anymore, but my folks still live there...

Cruising along - and I DID have hair at this point, shoulder length, still dark brown with lots of shiny red, bright green eye's - run SMACK into a man who was so obsessed with material goods and money - Mr. Wonderful, with his pregnant fifth or sixth wife. Sadly, she was black and blue - he never changes.

The ONLY thing he notices? The ten carat sparkler the man I married put on my finger, and the expensive car parked out front.

BUMP, BUMP.

January 24, 2005
9:35 pm
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Zinnie,

Dear, sweet Zinnie, you are ever faithful, even in your hour of need. Little did I expect you to be here, nor to find me, yet you did. Thank you for that and your time.

Here I am; on the road again, so to speak, of finding my way out to a brighter light for the future! It just piles up and up, and somethings gotta give. Even with strength I'm told I have, ha, we get tired and need to re-group ourselves. so it seems here. I am now embarrassed at my previous display. However, at reading back I don't think I shamed myself with too much naughty words!!!

Your picture is my ideal, as I am quite visual in my creative head of mine. Yep, I may not have that fancy car now, or ever. But I choose to picture a BMW, or Spyder to make my track marks! (I used to want a Mercedes Benz, like Janis Joplin sings when I got older. But now I see 20 year old blonde chickies driving them that mom amd pops gave them, here in West Palm and Delray Beaches, so I no longer want a Mercedes. Just doesn't seem 'special' anymore).

As for the rest, I will have to make my own story. The ending? Only God knows. But I think I should be single forever. I only want a man that will compliment who I am. Now THAT could be difficult! I am not a simple woman. I give a lot, but expect a lot. Enough of my wishes.

For now I am reving up my engine.....bump, bump. One more time for good measure...bump.

Thank you for being here! I met a nurse here in my complex, single, Spanish. She is from S.D., but still carries her old Long Island, NY accent. I talk fast being from the Midwest, she with Newyorker accent, we talk toghether, and at the same time, it is funny. We compiment each other. Darn if she is shorter than I, she's five and me five,four. What a sight we are! Her hair, as yours, mine with red going blonde brown now.

Enough of me. Will post to you upstairs. Ouch, owwa to your pain. Hard for pain pills to work in that area. Hope you can get some sleep tonite.

(((hugs))),
Sew/C

January 24, 2005
9:51 pm
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OMW,

I think I will work on that idea about the pictures in court, Something, but will something. Maybe write an letter to the editor in the home town paper: "Parents beware, do you know what your child's teacher is doing?' Or, Parents, do you know where your children are? Do You know where your child's teacher is tonite?"

Probable not the letter. Just venting.

Wis is a 50/50 State. I requested; he has to come up with the proof of the garage loan and year built per court order. Yippee. I was only asking 25% of the retirement, not 50 as I could. He earned most of it during our marriage, bigger salary increases, he could more in. etc. Thought that I was being more than fair, he could keep the house that way. But the dog. Asked my attorney if we could change our request to half of the retirement instead. She said fine. I figure if he wants to negotiate, I'll raise the antee. Now I'm asking helf of the retirement, will go down to the original 25% for getting the dog. Tha's a lot of bucks for a dog, but I love her. He knows that and I am tired of his controlling, so We will just raise the stakes higher. I'll play his game. Have beengetting pretty good at it. Anger takes too much energy. I will be so glad when this is over. % pretrials. I have to get to trial after all this bull of his. He is willing to 'burn' the money rather than I have it. He is too materialistic. I should go back to my hippie days and be a flowwer child again. No, not the drugs and sex stuff, hahaha.

I hope you are getting thru all this better now. What's going on with the thyroid test? What happened with the tour to the assisted living center for your mom? And should I ask?; any emails?

hugs thanks for being here.

Sew/C

January 24, 2005
9:57 pm
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I praye to God today to help me find my nursing license, my resume, my nursing malpractice info, as I thought my STBX had them and I blamed him. I said that if I find them, I will agree to work on me, that maybe I ampart to blame in all this mess. I found everything except the latest version of the resume. Darn. I even found my Bible and my Yoga book. So now I have all I have been looking for in my unpacking.

So what is my story for my interview tomarrow? Darn. How fast can I type? NOt fast and not well. What a mess. Though am doing better.

January 24, 2005
10:30 pm
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Sew, you are doing okay. ISSUES my daer for you and me to face, and maybe some others on here: It is not ok to be anything but perfect all of the time? If we see venting as weak, or see showing feelings as weak...always there for other people, but not for ourselves, so this is a good thing that you are here venting!!! It is positive, it relieves pressure, it helps to see the truth...gee your ex is an ahole just like mine. I blamed too. Mine used to tap my phone...you deserve to have your dog back. And Sew if you can't then go ahead and get a new puppy. Pick up where everything left off, make a new life as best you can, your way. I hope your attorney is really good. I KNOW what you could do, send a pic to the local newspaper in his town, ans say "Do you know this man", and do you know where your children are???"" What a jerk he is, but you know what? You will get to a point where how he lives his life does not bother or effect yuo anymore. You will be secure in who youare and what YOU can create, and the PEACE of being without him, and knowing that you have a new future. AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, Mr. WOnderful will come along, and you wil be so healthy and so ready from writing and giving on these threads, etc.!!

How is the resume coming along? RE: an email? NADDA. One of hese days I will deal with the hurt that I still feel. I too am one of those who le tgo, but it still pokes at me. I am still so in love with this person...how dumb is that after all of this time...but I am normal for that I think...very selective, not obsessive,,,but it dos me no good...yuk. Am so glad Zinnie posted for you too...much wisdom there. We did not look at Assisted Living this past weekend. My mothe rseems better , go figure? and we ar prolonging as long as possible. Me, I feel like poo. I called about my test results, but could not get them today...am hoping for tomorrow.

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