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Small victories.
May 5, 2005
10:19 am
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2bstrong
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Trying not to be so down today. I don't know why, but mornings are so hard for me. I feel really needy and depressed and just have a hard time getting it going.

These boards help me so much--it gives me something to look forward to.

I have to give myself a pat on the back today, I was going to do a drive by the ex's house this morning...but asked for the strength on the way there to do what was best for me. I was able to take the exit ramp in the opposite direction instead of doing the drive by. So, still able to stay in the no contact club.

Anybody else have a small victory to share?

May 5, 2005
10:26 am
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willitgetbetter
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I had a similar experience this morning. It is now 4 weeks since I did the drive by. I was so tempted this morning but at the last minute, i took an alternative route and you know what? I feel so proud of myself! The thing that made me decide was that I asked myself, what if I see her new b/f's car in her drive? How will I feel? But most importantly, what can I do about it? The answer was quite simply .... nothing, so i'd rather not know. Boy I feel that I am getting there at last!

May 5, 2005
10:29 am
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BamBam
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2b, I'm glad to hear you had a positive start to your day! Good for you!

I just finished a book this morning I started yesterday about men,women and relationships. I feel a great sense of empowerment because of a new door of "understanding" I have found. I don't know what impact this will have on my relationship, but in a way this is a small victory for me today because I started the day with a strong sense of hope.

BB

May 5, 2005
10:29 am
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2bstrong
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Oh, willit--Congratulations! Now you can say 4 weeks and a day. I am proud of you. How long has it been since you guys broke it off?

I don't know if I'll be able to resist every time, but I did it today.

May 5, 2005
10:37 am
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willitgetbetter
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Well, she first dumped me in November 2004 but we got it together again briefly in February after which she dumped me completely. There were ocassional emails and telephone conversations after that but she suddenly turned nasty, and I mean real nasty. I now know the reason which was that she has a new man in her life although I had to find this out for myself.

So yes, 4 weeks and one day and every day I am feeling stronger! If its any help to you, it does get easier although I know the urge to contact her will pop back now and again!

Every time you say to yourself NO! will make you feel stronger too, you can then take control! Stick with it, I am proud of what you did today, real proud.

May 5, 2005
11:14 am
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2bstrong
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Thanks, willit--I needed that.

When do you think you began to turn the corner from sadness, anger, depression, etc?

Do you still think about it and her all of the time? When was the last time she contacted you?

2b

May 5, 2005
11:20 am
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Desert Moon
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2bstrong

I haven't posted in a couple days, I am in a withdrawn mode right now, but I saw your thread and am glad you are hanging in there. It must be very hard for you but you are strong even though you may not feel like it at times.

I think I have mentioned this before, but you are way ahead of me in the no contact mode. I should have just cut of contact last January when he left but could not deal with seeing him in class for the next 5 months, but in alot of ways I think I would be farther ahead. So we remain friends only at this point until ....well, I guess until I can't stand being 'just friends' any more and just get it over with and just 'bite the bullet' and 'take it like a man' as the old cliche's go.

But you have alot of supportive people helping you out. Wish I had more to say to encourage you but I think it's more the other way around. . .

May 5, 2005
11:31 am
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2bstrong
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Hi desert moon,

Thanks for your sweet, kind words. I am sorry you are hurting--it's awful isn't it?

How long had you been together and what were the reasons for your break up? I cannot imagine breaking up and having to see each other as you have for the past few months. On one of the threads peacesoul said that she had been with someone for eleven years and after they broke it off they stayed in contact off and on for 6 months. She said it was torturous.

It's only been 38 days for me. I hate feeling this way. I don't have many friends and the one friend I do have is a man and he wants more than a friendship. And actually, it's really complicated, he's an ex-boyfriend. That's why I'm here so much. This is my support. Thanks so much, des.

May 5, 2005
12:49 pm
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willitgetbetter
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If i'm completely honest, I think I turned the corner when I saw with my own eyes that she had someone else. Before then I hoped that we would get back at some stage. After that, I was angry that she had replaced me, (not for the first time I might add!).

Yes, I do still think about her and I still miss her. However, I now look back and think of the bad times rather than the good and that I am better off out of the relationship.

The last time we had contact was through a lawyers letter sent to me 4 weeks ago after I sent her an email wishing her a happy anniversary! (It was our anniversary). The letter told me not to make any further contact as she has "no need nor desire to have any contact with me"! Told me didn't it! Just prior to that she telephoned me accusing me of reporting her to Social Services and that her children were at risk! During that call we had a blazing row. I admit I lost my temper a bit as I could hear her mother in the background telling her what to say. I told her to live her own life and stop being her mother's puppet! I then ended the call but her mother called me back making all sorts of threats that her her family were going to get me! I think realization then hit me that the relationship was over!

May 7, 2005
1:10 pm
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Desert Moon
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2bstrong

I haven't posted for a couple days so sorry it took so long to respond.

My situation is somewhat different. We were together while he was separated (I'm divorced) and he decided to go back. We tried to do the no contact thing, but very hard. We started talking again and we are still very close emotionally (we are not having sex). So my trouble is staying friends with him vs walking away so that it's healthier for him and me. He cannot be with me if he is married and I cannot hang on expecting him to leave. Anyway you see the delimma. And it's hard to let go of someone who has been your best friend for three years, epecially if he feels the same way. So you are asking at this point why he went back? He felt
that for now this is the best thing for his kids, he really struggled with that part of the separation, but his marraige is no better than it was before.

My take is that I am not interested in seeing anybody else, whether or not I walk away. I would miss the friendship terribly if I did. And at this point I know I would try to contact him again after a few days and just make a fool of myself, I have done this before.

I am slowly finding my own interests and he encourges me to do this, even though it would be just as hard for him if I walk away. He knows its not healthy and so do I, and would support my decision when the time comes.

I would like to think if he and his wife still decide to separate for good we would have a shot. But I will kick his ass if he ever left her and his kids just to be with me as that is never the reason you should leave, and it wasn't the reason they were separated in the first place, but that is another story altogether. So that is another good reason to walk away and let him try on his own.

May 7, 2005
1:37 pm
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staying hopeful
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Desert Moon

I am fairly new here and so far have mostly just been reading.

I can relate to your situation although mine is in reverse. I am very interested in a divorced man. I was seperated for a while and then went back to my husband, for various reasons. But I am still friends with this man and sometimes want so much more. We both know it is unhealthy talking and messaging each other all the time but we are such good friends it is hard to give it up.

May 7, 2005
1:40 pm
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staying hopeful
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I might add that this is an online friendship so no physical contact. Pretty sick, huh?

I have met him. While I was seperated I flew to CA to meet him.

May 7, 2005
1:52 pm
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Desert Moon
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hopeful,

Thanks for writing, it may be better to start a new thread about your situation so that you can get it out there for others to see.

This panel has helped me alot maybe you can get some good advice. People here are very open and candid about stuff. Be prepared for some very honest responses that may not be in support of your situation yet may be very helpful at the same time.

Good luck in working through this.

May 7, 2005
2:08 pm
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staying hopeful
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Desert Moon

Thanks for the advice. At this time I am very leary of writing my thoughts down for all to see. I am struggling with such guilt and at the same time wanting to become a person with more backbone.

I have always had a difficult time putting myself before others. I can think of a hundred reasons to stay in my marriage even though it is not what I really want. Too afraid to take the risk I suppose.

Anyway, maybe someday I will post a thread. But I feel like I am in the wrong, for having feelings for another man while married.

May 7, 2005
2:43 pm
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Desert Moon
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Hopeful,

Don't worry, take your time, even just reading these posts you will find tons of advice you can use to help your situation.

You don't have to answer, but some things to think about:

Why do you have feelings for another man instead of your husband? There must be some issues or you would not have come here.

If you can think of a hundred reasons to stay, is there one valid reason (such as abuse or addiction)that you should leave? (I had a hundred reasons for staying in mine - I got tired of him hitting me and my kids, though so I left)

If you feel you need to leave your marraige and it happens, close that chapter before pursuing the next. (warning, it will be a very hard road)

If you cannot find a good enough reason to leave, then explore why you have these feelings and try to work on reestablishing your feelings for your husband instead of someone else. This may require marraige counselling.

And in doing this you cannot worry about how your friend feels about it. You cannot let that mess with your decisions.

Hope this helps!

May 7, 2005
3:01 pm
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staying hopeful
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Desert Moon

Thanks for your kind words. I will try to post a thread of my own, didn't mean to jump in here like this.

May 7, 2005
3:34 pm
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feelingused
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AAAAHHHHH- small victories!!!

I too had a small victory lastnight.. I'm sooo proud of myself.

This is how Yesterday went for me..

*Got up 4am went to work until 12noon..
*Left work to hurry home to go to my senior daughters schalorship award event. Ofcourse dear daddy couldn't go, had to work.. what ever. I was very proud of her, she won 6!!!. out of the 250 given away for this whole area of schools!!! only about four other students did as well.... I was very tired, and my back felt broke from the chairs!!! 3hours later. we left there to hurry home..
*She had to be back to get ready for her last highschool play, she has to lead in.. Again, I was very very proud of her,,, her sister and I were the only ones there for her... I felt HORRIBLE... her dear daddy couldn't make it, cuz he was watching a floor he just poured... WHAT EVER!!! 3hours later about 9:30pm we all make it home after a very long but uplifting day...
*Only to notice, dear daddy's truck wasn't even home........She was very upset, I was than playing couselor to her,,, mean while I was very upset myself and hurt for her inside.....
*We watched the play that I recorded for her. Laughing and eating popcorn.. We stayed up until 1:30am!!

*****Heres my victory---I turned off my cell phone so he couldn't call me. I turned off the house phone also. I didn't care where he was, like before I would panic... and would be worried that he would get hurt or get in trouble.. I would usually go rescue him somewhere.....
*My daughter 17, slept with me... I hope I made her feel as though, her mommy was very proud of her and that I would be there for her no matter what....
*When he did make it home in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't care.... I didn't get up and try to pry from him.. I just stayed in bed and acted like NOTHING!!! I felt powerful at that moment. I REFUSE to have him get us upset..
*This morning his guilt, IF he even had any,,, got up early and left... He came back home early and started working in the back yard with something that needed to be done months ago..... I still haven't asked him or said anything to him...

But,,, what hurts me is how he treats his girls!!! Our daughter has done soooo well in school, and has praise from everyone, her mom, teachers, peers, community members, ext... except from her dad.... He NOT ONCE asked her how she did at the event or even her play... How could a dad be so cold and uncaring???

This one small victory, will add for more for me!!! I have to STOP worrying about him... He's a grown man.. I AM NOT his mother!! I have to let go of being HIS mess cleaner upper!!!!! I know it will be hard, I've done it for so long.. I have to just work on helping our girls grow to wonderful women with a strong feeling of knowing they are worth gold and that anything IS possible, and that they DO NOT need a man to servive!!!!
HURRAY--- for small victories!!!

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