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Slipping back to my ex
November 5, 2006
3:12 pm
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2shy
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Now I think that I may have some type of personality disorder. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster ride with my ex for over three years - we never take our relationship further. It has been a constant makeup-breakup relationship. He went from idolizing me, worshipping the ground I walk on, telling me that I am to good to be true, calling me Mother Theresa, to telling me I am unattractive, overweight, won't believe my compliments to him, doubting my love for him, pulling me away from my friends, and feeling very insecure with me by thinking that there might be someone else out there. Anyway, after many breakup, I have been the one chasing him and begging to make our relationship work. After each make up period I would try harder to please him. Anyway...this last breakup was initiated by me. I had enough as you may already know, because he slipped back into his gambling mode and asked me for money. The way he asked me was as if I were obliged to give it to him. So I finally gave up on him. My friends and family were totally against supporting my relationship with him. They were quite pleased that it ended, though they are crossing their fingers that I won't go back. I was actually feeling quite good for the past three weeks. I was reading the threads on this webside and reading self help books in hopes of reinforcing my decision to end this relationship. My problem is that I made contact with him this past Wednesday. I left him feeling content with myself, after explaining everything to him he thinks that my friends are influencing me to stay away from him. I went and saw him last night as well. I called him after I drove my friend home. He lives in her area and was I driving my dad's van (my car is at the mechanics). I was excited to be driving his van that I called him and he was pleased to hear from me. He asked to see me. I went and picked him up and we went cruising with the van. He told me that I looked good and that I look like I am returning from a date( his usual remarks with me which really hurts me). I told him that I am not dating anyone, I don't have any crushes on anyone and that no one has a crush on me. He was convinced that I must have another guy because I was never so well composed during one of our breakups. I told him again about all of my insecurities with him and he thinks that I am just making them up, after all I was with him for over three years, he hasn't changed so why am I letting him go now. He thinks it is such a lame excuse, and he asked me not to take him for a fool. Anyway, our conversation eventually turned for the better. I dropped him off and I told him that he can call me anytime he wanted to (if I have another guy I wouldn't ask him to do that) and if he wants to go out sometime then he can call me. I told him that I love him, he told me that I look good, he gave me a kiss and then he left. He called me a few hours later to see how I was doing.
My problem is that I have opened the door for him, I gave him mixed signals. He seems so nice now. He seems to respect me more when I am strong and then the minute I resume my caretaking and smoothering behaviour he begins to grow into his abusive ways. I am at the point where I am really ready to let him go but I feel tremendous guilt for being so nice to him yesterday. I truly still love him. A part of me wants to be with him still. I haven't called him today. Sunday is a day we use to spend together. I feel a sense of freedom without him as my bf but the minute I am with him I want him back. Is something wrong with me? I think that if he had dumped me three weeks ago I would be going insane trying to win him back.

I am so lost and confused. A couple of my friends have invited me out today but I am just hanging around at home. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I just don't understand myself. The thought of getting married to him seems so wrong (he cannot hold a job for too long(I use to believe all of his poor excuses for not holding on to a job before), he is verbally abusive-he was physically abusive towards his ex wife, he has a gambling addiction, and I need to cater to him 24/7 otherwise he thinks that there might be someone else. But the thought of never talking or seeing him again hurts too..

November 5, 2006
3:22 pm
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southgoingzax
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2shy,

most of us go through the same rollercoaster ride - it's a relief to be free of the abuse, and then we start to get lonely or sad, and then they seem so nice again, then we miss the good times and start to forget the bad or get confused about really what it was all about in the first place....it's not a personality disorder, it's just that change doesn't happen overnight, and sometimes it happens in fits and starts, or sometimes you take a step forward and then three steps back....and your ex, sensing your detachment, will now be on his best behavior to woo you back. It's really hard to think clearly when you feel pulled in so many directions. That's why so many people suggest NC, so that you can remain strong to your own inner voice and not get sucked in by good behavior on the ex's part.

It's never easy to end a relationship, so don't beat yourself up for failing to do it perfectly. Only you can make the decision if and when you are ready to move on without this guy.

zax

November 5, 2006
3:27 pm
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2shy
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Thanks zax, I guess I also feel guilty for breaking the NC. I feel like I am playing with his emotions. We obviously cannot be just friends.

November 5, 2006
3:45 pm
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Rasputin
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2 shy -

Breaking up is NEVER easy. I've experienced it many times even tho I've never been married or lived with any of my xs bfs.

Take this time to invest it and become strong. Go to coda meetings, read some good books about how to break away from unhealthy relationships. Melody's book is a good choice for you right now "Codependent no more."

Hang in there, in time you will get stronger and we will keep cheering you on.

(((2shy)))

November 5, 2006
4:28 pm
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Inca
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2Shy,
I would take more time away from him. What made me uncomfortable when I read your thread, was that here he was all happy to see you and then he's already cutting on you about dating someone. If he loves you, he wouldn't do stuff like that. That isn't love, it's control. He's trying to get a reaction from you to put all the chaotic emotion back into the relationship to weaken you. Don't fall for it. Just for now, back up and if you're feeling the need to call him or contact, just sit and meditate if you can, say to yourself "My job is to take care of myself". Don't worry about what he's doing. Chances are he's going to stick around, so you are going to have to be the tough one.
With more time, you'll get stronger and things will become more apparent. You should not be the one to feel the need to do all the work on getting "better". He's got his issues to work through. You just focus on you.

November 5, 2006
4:32 pm
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indya
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2shy, as said b4, we have been there, done that. The best way to end a relationship is definitely NC. Just the sound of their voice, a song, a restaurant or cologne can trigger weakness. I have experienced this in 2 of my relationships. One was with my son's father who I HAD to maintain contact and to see often. It was the hardest time in my life b/c I always saw him with a different woman each time he came to pick up our son. If you are enjoying your new freedom, then stay away from your ex. The more contact you have, the more he'll think he can still have you and treat you the same. Stay strong!! You can do it!

November 5, 2006
4:44 pm
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2shy
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Thanks for all your advice.

He just called me. He wanted to see me. I told him that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I didn't sleep well, I haven't taken a shower, and that my car isn't available. He sounded a little annoyed and was quick to hang up. Now I am feeling anxious. I feel the need to call him, to hop in the shower and run to see him where ever. I just feel so guilty now because I was the one to contact him yesterday. I am sure that he must think that I am just upset over the guy that he "thinks" I am seeing.

November 5, 2006
5:02 pm
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southgoingzax
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guilt is a sure sign of codependency - I know what you're feeling, kind of panicky, like you have to make amends somehow, for some reason, because you didn't want to go out when he wanted to...I'm sure you feel *compelled* for reasons you can't put into words why you need to go see him or call him. If he was truely caring and compassionate, he would have been concerned that you weren't feeling well and would have asked if there is anything he could do for you. He would NOT make you feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself.

I just want you to know I know where you're coming from, I understand what you're feeling. I hope you can resist the guilt and just stay home...you've done so well not running after him, you don't need to start now, right? Take a deep breath and realize he's not going anywhere, ESPECIALLY if he thinks you are interested in someone else.

November 5, 2006
8:07 pm
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2shy
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I ended up calling him back. I changed my clothes quickly, put my hair in a pony tail, and grabbed my fathers van and went to see him. Sorry Rasputin, Inca,Zax and Indya I did exactly what you advised me not to do. We were quite civilized....no arguing. He went from agreeing to part to asking me to live with him. We agreed that the relationship is over, to telling each other that we love each other, and to sort of leaving the door partly opened.
(((((SIGH)))))

November 6, 2006
11:31 am
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malibugirl
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Your story is very much like mine!! part of me misses the bum--the actual person I've seen him be. However, it's much easier for him to be "unkind" and wrapped up in his own stuff--alcoholism, etc. I know that he will never be the person I've seen him to be. It's hard to stay away when you're feeling lonely, but the consequences (the same chaotic "relationship" with Mr. Unavailable" isn't worth compromising who you are, especially if you're involved in any kind of recovery for codependency. Keep talking to people, reach out for the help--not Mr. Unavailable--he's not going to change!

November 6, 2006
12:03 pm
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2shy
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Thanks Malibugirl,
One thing he did last night which made me annoyed was that he called my cell phone while I was with him to see if I had it on--thinking that I had it on silent, to avoid getting a phone call from another guy. I just ignored it. As you can see how he thinks. When I listened to him last night I almost fell into his spell. I was even considering giving him another chance. I was thinking that maybe it is our cultural difference. I am raised in Canada- I lived her since I was 2 years old. He is from Albania and he has lived in Canada for 10 years.....See, now I am making excuses for im.
malibugirl, are you still in contact with your ex?

November 6, 2006
1:50 pm
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Inca
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2Shy,
You don't have to aplogize. We are all human and we have to go through a process I guess. I'm at a little over a week of NC w/ my X. What do you know, he sent me an email on Friday. He said that he respects that I can't deal w/ being friends w/ him now BUT he wants to know how my kids are and wants a picture of them. I'm confused but I've learned to not react to it right away. I'm going to pray/meditate on it and from there I will know what to do. Having the NC is good b/c it does help you reflect on the relationship. I can see where I went wrong and he did as well. I think he wasn't really ready for me and the "instant family". So he's not a bad guy and neither am I. I'm still not sure if I'll write back but what I will NOT do is let him know that I'm missing him or I'm sad. I'm over that. Stay focused on you and just observe your X's behaviour. You'll get all the answers you need then.

November 6, 2006
4:13 pm
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2shy
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Inca,
I admire your willpower to not quickly respond to his email. I would still keep the NC in place by not reponding to his email. You may fall weak, as I have yesterday, even if you ever so slightly open that door of communication open. I am still fighting the urge to contact my ex.

November 6, 2006
5:47 pm
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Jimcy
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2Shy,

I am going through the same thing...except mine has a really good job and does well for himself. He also feels the need to point that out to me everytime we argue. He keeps saying he is the only one that give me the life I want and need. I am going through the same emotions as you are and I would have done the same thing as you if I were you LAST WEEK. He called me a few hours ago wanting to see this week, I had to gather up sooooooooo much courage to turn him down, and although I don't know whats going to happen when the time comes I am really praying that I don't give in and go see him. Part of me feels guilty because I gave him hope during many many of our breakups. Now I am cutting him off all together. I haven't really spoken to him on the phone. I want to cut all contacts with him (texting, emails, etc.) I think thats the only way we will move on. We have to be strong if we want a better future. There is nothing wrong with you though...I am going through the same thing and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. The people on here re-assured me that its NOT me. Its the situation thats messed up and its up to us to better ourselves, therefore the situation. Be Strong!!!

November 6, 2006
7:51 pm
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malibugirl
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No, I am not in contact with him. It was helpful that I moved to a different state (back to my home state and home town, actually) and we no longer work at the same place. That made things MUCH easier (I left because I was fed up with the job, he was secondary). I still "see" him when I go into the store (old workplace), but he never has the courage to speak to me, particularly when he's sober. It's amazing what liquid courage will do for you. Have courage!! It will get better!

November 7, 2006
9:52 am
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2shy
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I am going to give my ex a couple of golf Polo tops as a gift and then I will resume the NC. I know someone who selling them below the wholesale price and I couldn't resist getting them for him. He doesn't know about it yet. I also purchased the book "How To break your love addiction to a person". Iamin the process of reading that book.

November 7, 2006
10:09 am
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Jimcy
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2shy - why are you getting the shirts if you are breaking up with him?

Another good book to read is "Women who love too much; wishing and hoping that he will change"

'Breaking free of co-dependency trap' is also a great book.

November 7, 2006
10:14 am
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2shy
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Hi Jimcy,

Thanks, I have read those books already. I guess that I still love him. I just feel bad for leaving him. I also have this generous, caring, need to please personality in me. I have more excitement in giving a gift than the person might be in receiving it. I don't understand myself either. I just have this strong urge to see him happy regsrdless of everything else.

November 7, 2006
10:36 am
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Jimcy
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2shy - I don't want to butt in, its your decision what you do, but by giving him the gift you might be giving him mixed signals. I know it may not seem that way to you but he might think that you still want to be with him.

Maybe that's just my thinking but I know if I was in your b/f situation I would think that.

Anyone else?

November 7, 2006
9:42 pm
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malibugirl
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Don't give him the shirts--HUGE waste of time, and like Jimcy said, mixed signals. Return them, donate them to good-will. GET RID OF THEM. I did the same thing you did--we broke up right before christmas and I had already bought him and his kids presents. I returned most of it and wound up leaving the rest on his doorstep for him to do whatever with. Then he wound up calling me in January, saying he wanted to talk. Dummy me, I didn't realize how tanked he was--always needed alcohol to talk to me--I believed everything he said "I miss you, I want to be with you" secret code for "I want sex, please"--and because I felt bad for standing my ground with him, was feeling lonely, etc., I gave in. Even did it a couple of more times after that over a period of 6 months. All he ever did was let me down when I needed him most. Once I FINALLY got fed up with him, that was THE END. Please don't take as long as I did to figure this out! 🙂

November 9, 2006
9:37 am
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2shy
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I gave the shirts to him yesterday morning and then we got together in the evening after work. He was so nice yesterday. He was so full of compliments. I felt like we were on a first date again. I saw the Jekyll in him and Hyde was gone. I know Jimcy, giving him the shirts must have given him the mixed signals. And malibugirl, his compliments must be is way of trying to get me to have sex with him. But the way he has been treating me since I pulled away from him is erasing all the bad that he ever did to me. All I see is the good.

November 10, 2006
6:19 pm
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malibugirl
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That's what he's hoping for, 2shy!! He knows if he sweettalks you enough, he'll get what he wants and to hell with what you want!! Step away from the ex-boyfriend!!!

November 12, 2006
7:06 pm
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thedogsmom
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oh no oh no...
well...too late to tell you not to give him any presents- truly a mixed message for him.. but it is done..so now what?
you still love him? so.. that has not been the problem here has it? all the love you have for him..all the giving you do for him... is it getting him..to wake up and give back to you the things you said you needed to stay in the relationship?
hard to let go of those that we love.. but we only come to the choice to 'let-go' when we know in our guts that we have had enough...
maybe you are not quite ready yet.. I haven't made the break myself.. hope we all think with our heads and not with our hearts. now...
if you give him another chance.. do you truly believe things will change this time?
TDM

November 12, 2006
7:18 pm
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clownface
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Sorry to butt in here, but let me tell you.....If things weren't good before, they're probably not gonna change much going ahead. I know, I have eaten so much 'crow' that I actually 'seem' to like it now!

I hope for you, it can be better. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance, it when you get to the 7th, 8th, ans so forth.......

People can change IF they really want to. It doesn't happen over night, but it can be done.

November 12, 2006
9:58 pm
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2shy
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Hi,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about what I should do. Well....it seems like him and I are back together. We had a heart to heart talk trying to clear up our insecurities and our issues. He is treating me very well so far.

Malibugirl: I understand your concern and aa part of me totally agrees. I guess that I pretty much know how he is and I am going to give this relationship another chance. If he goes back to his old ways then I'll walk away for good.

thedogsmom: You are right, I am not 100% ready to let go yet. I am almost there. I am back with him hoping that this good side of him remains.

clownface: He did acknowledge his faults which I am taking as a good sign. I am hoping that he will change for the better. I have given him a lot of chances so far but he also knows that it is getting easier for me to walk away.

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