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single parents
January 3, 2006
4:50 am
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alycia
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Hi, I am new to this so hello to everyone, I want to ask how people who have been dumped by their partner when a baby or child is involved cope with the broken heart and them basically coming to visit their child. How can the hurt go if they are often around? Part of me wants to run for the hills to heal but i can't do that. Also as selfish as it sounds, is it normal to not want his family to spend any time with my baby? I am happy for him to visit as often as he likes but the thought of his mother spending time with her gets me more so cause i havent heard from her once in the 2 mths since he left us. Does this make sense? He lost his licence so he cant take her in the car for now, he also has 2 kids from another marriage and i worry when he does take her out that she wont enjoy it cause she doesnt know them and she doesn't know his mother. He lost his licence for drink driving and i worry about my baby being in the car with him one day cause she is all i have. Hoping someone can understand....

January 3, 2006
10:26 am
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taj64
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I understand Alycia, I too am a single parent but of two teenagers. It is not easy. The best thing for you to do is to heal from your broken heart. It is all about you though. You have to concentrate on yourself and stay less focused on your former partner. It is good that you want him to visit your child and think of your child first as far as the relationship between your child and the father. You cannot worry about what he is doing with his own personal life now that he is not in yours. The hurt you feel right now is OK. It is part of the process of healing and it will take a lot of time. Just be aware that the pain will go away and feeling it right now is ok. You will be ok. Afterawhile their presence won't bother you so much because you are having your own life.

January 3, 2006
11:08 am
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overcome
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Let me start by saying that it is totally normal to feel what you feel right now. You are hurt and probably angry.

It takes a great amount of maturity to rise above that pain and realize that it is important for your child to have a bond with both their parents.

I would just stop thinking of him in a relationship standpoint and focus on him being the father of that child. When he has your child, use that time as "you" time. Having a baby is totally time consuming to the tenth power. It is a good thing that he wants to be involved.

I am not saying it will be easy. But as time passes, the emptiness and hurt will fade and you will be stronger when all is said and done.

January 3, 2006
12:12 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh,m Alycia. I do understand completely what you are going through. There are days I wish my ex and his family would all simultaniously step off a curb in front of a semi! My mind knows that it is important to give my daughter all of the opertunities for family, or at least to allow him and his family to make whatever efforts they will and leave it up to them, but my heart is angry that the traditional family I wanted for her can't be, and that he hurt me so much but still wants to hug the daughter I give MY life to while he parties and doesn't parent...it's hard to make the seperation between feelings and facts sometimes, especially when someone like your child is involved.

A good rule of thumb for me that I am picking up this year is to allow their every effort without complaint or argument, but not to go out of my way for them--I will accomidate visits but not participate in them, they may not come to my home, and any time a visit with my daughter becomes mistreatment of me it is to be terminated. My daughter is the matter at hand, if they turn it into anything about me in any way, their interests are not with her after all and therefor not my responsability in the slightest.

It is good for a child to have a lot of family around, and if they flake out on your kids, they need to see it to really know that you didn't try to stop it, that they had the opertunity and chose not to take it. YOur children will apriciate your efforts and see clearly who has stood by them in their life and loves them and who just wasn't sincere or fully invested in them. And if not, GREAT< and when you see that you will start to feel better about them, and your children will have more loving people in their lives. Just try to keep in professional, you deserve that. You don't need to have an emotional forgiving or even friendly level with them, just a civil one, whihc means no cussing, yelling or badmouthing (directly or in front of the young ones). Beyond that, you don't owe anyone any heartfelt anything!

January 4, 2006
5:44 am
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alycia
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Thanks for ur input guys and i agree with alot of you. It will be good for her to have lots of loving family around and i do know if he had her i wouldnt want to be told i couldnt take her out or so. It is just hard, in my opinion to a degree its a case of what u never have u never miss and she has her fun with my friends, family and if they werent around which his side isnt around right now, she is still the happiest 7mth old, i will get there with it all and i will use it as me time when she is with them and thank u all for ur replies,

January 4, 2006
7:09 pm
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LittleSecret
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Hi Alycia,
I am lucky in that my babys father never wanted him, and has pretty much ignored him completely. His Mum is starting to show interest now (4yrs later), but I couldn't imagine the pain and frustration you must be going through.
Good luck and God Bless.

January 4, 2006
7:39 pm
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alycia
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You are little secret but its happened and the only thing i can say is if it wasn't for him she would not be around and i may not have had a baby. He won't be just taking her out whenever he wants too cause we have a life here too, she wont ever sleep over besides at my house or my mum's so i have thought it out. He won't be able to take her out for hrs at a time for a while anyhow cause for some time to come she still has 2 sleeps and will for a good few mths yet. Thanks for ur input and u are lucky he wanted no part, i wish that was the case for me as i have often said why cant he just leave us alone? Its funny cause he was here last nite and i said to him, maybe i should move to the country for something new and said it would be hard though, noone could see us much and of course he came out with, 'i would travel' aren't we so blessed.. Thanks again

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