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SINGLE BLUES, WHO'S WITH ME?! :)
May 23, 2007
12:52 am
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santino
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Good evening all!

Has anyone ever seen that Billy Crystal movie "City Slickers"? I just saw it for the 100th time and it gets better every time I see it. πŸ™‚ I have a new favorite movie line that I never really picked up on the previous 99 times that I saw it. πŸ™‚

The line goes " this is the best I'm gonna be, the best I'm gonna look, and it's not good enough" or something like that.

Thats how I feel right now. I have so much going for me right now!! So much!! I have 2 beautiful children that love me to death. I have a career where I'm at the top of my game. I'm thought very highly of by my superiors! I have a caring and loving family! I have nice posessions! I have the best friends in the world!!

But it's not enough.... I want more. I know I have been posting on here for nearly a year now and I know I have issues that need to be dealt with, but I really feel alone. I try so hard to convince myself that I'm better off this way, that I don't need someone to rely on. Sometimes it works! Sometimes it doesn't.

Yesterday my kids and I went to Disneyland and for this first time in my life I was depressed to be there! I actually wanted to leave! I kept thinking of past relationships, I kept thinking that people were looking at us. And it was almost as if they knew I was a single father. I don't want this feeling anymore. I know I have made mistakes in past relationships, but for how long am I gonna have to suffer like this? Haven't I learned my lesson? I dropped my kids off at my ex wifes house tonight. Her new man and his kids were watching a movie laughing and what seem to be having a good time. My kids ran in the house and quickly joined the fun. I said my goodbyes and went home. I'm happy for her. My ex wife that is. She seems happy in her new relationship. At least one of us is.

Sorry all, just having one of those nights. πŸ™‚ I'll just sleep on it, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks for reading. πŸ™‚

May 23, 2007
1:00 am
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loverbee
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Think of all the things that you learned from those relationships though. I mean all those were just preparation for the one relationship that is really gonna be the most special. Also, it is hard to do I know but until you can be ok and happy being on your own without a mate, that is when you will be able to find happiness in a relationship. If you can't stand to spend time with you, how is anyone else supposed to? I know its hard but enjoy being single. I am going to tell you the wonderful things that I have found about being single again for the first time in six years.

1) You can order whatever you want for dinner and eat as much dessert as you want without feeling guilty cause Hey you're treating yourself.

2) When you workout and spruce yourself up, its for only you and no one else

3) You can take lots of bubble baths without having to worry about taking up too much hot water
4) You can watch whatever movies you want without always having to compromise
5) all those hobbies you never did before that you wished you had picked up can become a part of your life

6) Sex and the city--enough said

May 23, 2007
1:39 am
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fantas
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Santino, Loverbee is right. You have to be happy being single before you can be happy with someone else. I do understand the loneliness though. The need to have a special with someone else and to know that you are cherished by someone other than your family. Someone said that when you feel lonely, you should go out, find someone who seems more lonely than you and convince them that someone cares for them. I have never had to do that yet but I think it would be awesome if we actually did it when we were lonely. Hang in there, do something awesome for yourself today. Tomorrow is another day.

May 23, 2007
6:10 am
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santino
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Thanks you two! Love the list! πŸ™‚

I know you'r both right about being happy being single, but it's just so hard. Sometimes I'm happy being single and sometimes it's a colmplete downer! Example, it just so happends at this particular time, all my friends have girlfriends, I mean all of them! So when we all hang out, I'm the third wheel. It just makes me sad to hang out with them sometimes cause I know when the nights over, I'll be going home alone.

May 23, 2007
8:39 am
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courage to change
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I was single for about a year and a half. Had a fab time, once I got used to it. The best thing was being friends with men, with no complications. Bloody wonderful.

May 23, 2007
9:23 am
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2alone
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I feel exactly the same way. I'm almost angry with myself for wanting more than I have right now. My kids are great. I live in a fabulous house. I'm doing it on my own...yet I want more. I want to have adult companionship. I want to be part of a couple - have someone I can laugh and share my day with. You're not alone Santino.

May 23, 2007
9:32 am
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atalose
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Santino,

After my divorce I was happy to be free from a very controlling man and 18 months of a hellish divorce. I enjoyed being alone until I was really alone without my kids. The first few months were ok, they would go visit their Dad for a weekend and I would have so much time on my hands it felt great. After several months it didn't feel so great I felt too alone and those weekends were filled with sadness and heightened aloneness. All my friends were married or living with someone. There was no one I knew that was in the same situation as me. Being with my married friends often made me feel more alone then ever, it made me see what they have and what I didn’t have, a partner to share life with and be happy. I think it all had to do with the place I was at in my own head.

Things have a funny way of working out because my ex was assuming I was going out and doing a lot of dating and meeting new people on the weekends he had the kids so in his controlling manner he stopped taking the kids on the weekends. That helped my loneliness and opened new avenues for me to meet new people through my kids activities.
As soon as I stopped those feelings of feeling alone all the time and not having anyone special in my life is the time when I did meet someone.

I think it’s normal to have those feelings you are feeling sometimes, some days are good and some days are going to be bad.
Remember that expression, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Practice getting comfortable with being alone first and then I’m sure the teacher (new woman) will appear.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 23, 2007
9:33 am
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santino
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2alone: Thats exactly what I want. Or I think I want that. Who knows what the hell I want these days! πŸ™‚ Thanks for posting!

May 23, 2007
9:37 am
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santino
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Thanks atalose.

I love my kids dearly, don't get me wrong. But lately, and I hate myself for saying this, it depressess me to go out with them. I feel so alone when I'm with them. Like I said earlier, I feel as if everyone knows and it's a bad thing. I love my kids, and I don't let them see how I'm really feeling. I just don't want to miss out on feeling good round them. Their only 7 and 3 once! πŸ™‚

May 23, 2007
11:50 am
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nappy
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I wasn't going to respond to this thread but I just had to.
Santino, I really wish that I could wave a magic wand so that you can see that you have so much going for yourself. You is truly bless.

Being alone is the one thing that everyone and I mean everyone will have to face one time in there lifetime. That is something that we all will have to face being alone with ourselves. You should not be afraid to spend that peaceful time with yourself.

My thread is HELP! I NEED TO HELP MY FRIEND. (read)
My girlfriend was the same way. Always talking about how alone she ALWAYS felt but when looking from the outside, I didn't understand, she has or had so much going on for herself, but she didn't see it. I let her know as a friend that maybe it wasn't her choice right now because of reasons and that she should let her HP direct her to where her life is going.
Well that went out the window and I had to accept that.
Well she did get her man. And now she is not alone. Did it make a difference yes it did.
She got her man alright.
She got a nut, a controller, a stalker, sex addict, drinking beer 24/7, mad because he wants ALL OF HER TIME, going to her job, clinging, needy, processive, calling 10 to 15 times a day.
Now her life before him didn't seem all that bad now.
That is why I say sometimes you have to be careful with what you wish for.
Nappy!

May 24, 2007
7:29 am
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alycia
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I haven't posted for ages and wanted to reply to this .....i felt sad reading that it depresses u to go out with your kids, (everyone knows so to speak).

In some ways you remind me of my ex, having a partner meant the world to him and he is not fulfilled without one and nor is he complete, i get the same vibe here.

People have great kids, great jobs, great friends yet feel they are missing out without a woman by their side, the difference with u and my ex is that he makes sure he has a new woman before he leaves the old one, you are similar in that you both definitely depend on one for fulfilment and happiness.

Her dad is a dead beat, he is heartless and shows little love, i have always said to u.... i want you to be the dad that she doesn't have, yes he gives me guilt money but there is nothing from within, they may sense your feelings and your lack of happiness when out with them and that would be awful.

Love your kids, hug them... embrace what you have, maybe its not your time at the moment, maybe u are being tested to try and find yourself, try and find happiness without it involving a woman....

Your time will come, in the meantime you have to live life, you have too beat the unhappiness, loneliness, nothing stays the same, i am sure u know that....

Its not alway going to be like this, please take all your feelings and be a dad that your kids will want to run too as well when they see u pull up,

I worry about where u exert all your energy and concerns, women come and go and there will be more to come but you will be a better offer if you show u are a good dad, a confident man, with or without a lady...

I know you want what others have, dont we all.... but all good things come when we aren't looking and you are looking too hard .......

I wasnt meant to insult you with the comparison but it saddens me that women are so high on the priority of my daughters dad that the rest doesnt matter, i just dont want u to fall into that pattern or trap....

I can say i think i have only just gotten over my daughters dad, a yr and a half later and i am fully recovered i can say, you only have another 6 mths to go if u are anything like me.....

Time will heal it, if i can heal and i still have to spend every 2nd saturday with the man then u will heal, take care

May 24, 2007
8:04 am
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Santino,

My ex-husband is a lot like you. He NEEDS to be in a relationship and when he's not, he's short tempered, impatient, negative, dismissive and downright neglectful of his children... who I think are the most witty, fun, interesting people I've ever met!!! There is no-one in the world I would rather spend my time with. I've always wished that he could see that and APPRECIATE that.

I know you don't think that they realize how depressed you are to be with them without a partner, but BELIEVE ME... they KNOW!!!! Children are very perceptive. I'm sure they can feel it! My ex-h never came out and TOLD my children that he was lonely and depressed. They just KNEW and they told me so... not in those words but it children's words. Words they understand... Like sad, mean, mad, impatient... all things that showed me that they totally understand adult human emotions.

In today's world, it is more common than you know for children to have divorced parents. When you were at Disneyland... I'd bet you that 50% of the "families" there, were unconventional in some way. It doesn't make them wrong or incomplete... just different.

You're time will come to be in a relationship Santino... don't put so much stock in it. It's not the most important thing in the world! Really, it's not!!!!
For me...men come, men go... relationships start and end... The only CONSTANT in my life is my children.

They are only young once... please ENJOY them! I mean REALLY focus on them and totally embrace the time you are blessed to share with them!! You are very lucky to have 2 beautiful healthy children. Focus on that. Focus on what you HAVE instead of what you WANT! Relax. It'll come when it's time.

TC

May 24, 2007
9:29 pm
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santino
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TC & Alycia: Thanks for posting, embarassing enough I see many similarities in both your ex's in me. I know I focus alot on a relationship, I do. I'm just not good at this alone thing. But you both really woke me up about my kids. I love them dearly and I am the type of dad they run up to when they see me, and I want to keep it that way. On the path Im on soon enough they wont. I cant let that happend, I WONT let that happend! They love me and I love them too!! Thanks!

May 24, 2007
9:30 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm lonely too. I said to myself what would a desparately lonely person do...really want to talk to people...so I have and it is comforting.

I mean...come on let's reframe the situation. Show the enthusiastic loving father off to everyone around you and know that you are attracting all the women that like that with your vibe.

Think good father=chick magnet
Caring changed man now out a relationship=stud etc.

Show off your fatherly skills for the world to see, so you get a woman saying now that is the kind of man I want in my life.

Just beam your beautiful strong lifestyle out around you, so others get the true picture.

Like hi I am a wonderful dad that takes my babies to Disneyland whether my life and marriage has worked out or not. That take strength and purpose and love and fatherly responsiblity.

I'd want to make friends with someone like that if I was waiting in line on the rides.

Embrace you now...whatever it be alone, single, doing it by yourself dad. See the beauty in what you are and others will too.

May 25, 2007
2:26 am
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santino
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Artist girl: Thanks! Your words mean so much! πŸ™‚

May 25, 2007
3:00 am
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58burst
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Hey Santino,

I'm with you, but I don't want to be. I'm 43 and have recently discovered I'm codependent. Been chasing the wronge women ALL my life. I fell in love with a Brazilian dancer, big mistake, but if it wasn't for this experience, I never would have learned about myself. Now I know why I've been miserable for so long. I'm learning to let go, and try to focus on all the little positive things that can occur each day, and thank God for them. Be happy you have two beautiful , healthy children. Focus on making yourself, stronger, wiser, healthier, and happier. Be patient, gray skies are goona clear up,

May 25, 2007
10:54 pm
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I am so glad. I so empathize with you. Be strong...I know you have been after reading a post...I think I remember this right...where your ex didn't get your kids back to you when she was supposed to.

May 26, 2007
12:08 am
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Santino-

" this is the best I'm gonna be, the best I'm gonna look, and it's not good enough" LOL. I can relate to that. No matter how good or young people tell me I look, I have similar thoughts. I'm depressed, and I keep thinking, when am I going to feel better? When I'm 90? I'll be senile before I get over this depression.

A movie I like is "As Good as It Gets" have you seen that one? There are a few good lines in that... including the one that they derived the title from "What if THIS is as good as it gets?" and then there is a whole scene about "noodle salad people" that is hysterical and before I saw that movie, I could swear I must be the only person that thought that way. Jack Nicholson is talking about how he and some other people are having difficulties and struggle every day of their lives, but then "there is this whole other group of people, and you know their lives are just filled with things like picnics and noodle salad." I can't do it justice here, out of context, but it made me laugh so hard because I am a cynic just like that.

Sorry I don't have anything more cheerful to say, but I just love when you read or hear a line that makes you realize that other people understand things you may not even want to talk about openly with friends. At least writers of movies and books have these insights, and this makes us feel less alone and less like there is someting wrong with us for feeling certain things. That's helpful sometimes.

I'm rambling on your thread, but thanks for posting that. I will rewatch that movie.

-ella

May 26, 2007
4:11 am
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santino
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mzrella: I have to confess, I am a movie buff myself. πŸ™‚ As good as it gets is high on my list of good movies. "what if this is as good as it gets" Thats a good one, I forgot that one. πŸ™‚

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