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simply addicted to bad relationship
January 21, 2005
6:12 pm
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shyshy
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September 30, 2010
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j.a. I know exactly how you feel. My bf is the same way. You mentioned he's been a little physical? Well, keep in mind that the physical abuse will excalate. My bf started with just grabbing me and assured me that he was nothing like his younger brother who slaps his girlfriend. Yeah right!! It's gotten to the point of him slapping me while I was driving!! Nearly killed the both of us. He's jacked me up against the wall a bunch of times too. Why am I still with this man I constantly ask myself? Either I'm really codependent or it's because I have no one else. I have no family left cause they all died. It's just me and my kids. I have however started to slowly detach from him. Baby steps I think I've heard it called. I'm starting to learn to depend on myself and eventually I will be strong enough to let go completely. Right now we only see each other once a week and I'm ok with that because I've gotten stronger and am enjoying my space. My hardest time though is that one night a week when my kids are with their dad. I feel so lonely on that day it's unbearable. It's like, I'm all by myself, nothing to do, no friend's house to go to and no family to go visit. That's why he's still in my life. I just can't bear the feeling of being home all alone in front of the tv every Friday night. It's just way to depressing for me. Anyway, my point is, I know it's hard but your taking your first baby steps right now to detach and that's good. Just keep doing what your doing and eventually it will get easier and you will be well on your way to feeling really good about it!!

January 21, 2005
8:28 pm
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j.a.
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ILSILS i promise, at least for today!

January 21, 2005
8:34 pm
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j.a.
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shy shy, thanks for sharing... dosent it give you shivers down your spine when you find out that other people have been going through the same with abusive guys.. and that what felt like part of the relationship or someones weird reactions are patterns that all abusers share??? its like it suddenly becomes something real and bigger than we thought... being with agressive or violent guys... and ourselves having so much trouble in getting out of this type of relationship-
i have a quiestion though... what happens with love??
i love my bf... i care for him... and i think that in an extremely sick way he cares about me to... but im not sure he can really love someone because hes normally too selfcentered and a 150% narcisist thats fallen in love with a perfect image of me (which is farr away from reality but he doesnt want to see that.... personally i prefer unpredictable and unperfect me!) ...
well... take care
and be strong! today is friday, get a good movie or go out with a freind, weekends are just terrible when you cant be with the person you want!
cheers!
ja.

January 22, 2005
2:47 pm
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j.a.
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mmmm can hardly cope with this... lifes been hard everything has gone wrong in loads of difefrent areas... dont things ever stop??? why do they all have to come at the same time if i cant even cope with 1 !!!
dont know what to do, and have terrible thoughts of just puting an end to it all (which i will no do, but that sounds just so good)....
what am im supposed to do?

January 22, 2005
8:10 pm
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aliconie
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i've been there also ja...i think rel. like these are the hardest to leave...I leftone and it was the best thing I ever did...He's never been there for you and he never will be ...it is not possible you need to think about YOU right now and think about the kind of person you do want and one that is available...emotionally and otherwise..It must feed his narcissistic ego everytime you try to cotact him etc. Don't let anyone have that kind of power...don't understand the unacceptable and let drama,fear,and the excitement that
comes with it fool you for passion...ever notice how rolleroasters are scary & exciting at the same time ...that is what these rel. are like...noone can live like that and, thank god sometimes they break up with us .I deserve so much better and he (who noone in their right mind would want) broke up with me.

January 22, 2005
8:16 pm
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Alegab
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Ali- Oh my God, you must have been reading my mind. Every word you said is so so true. I just posted in a few places. I am feeling anger once again.

I am in a bad spot right now. I need a reality check. I just finished journaling and TELLING MYSELF THE TRUTH. If i am not honest with myself i will never get better and get out of my RUT. Yes i felt very happy this morning when i heard from him, "i made up something to get out and call you, i miss you, do you have everything you need at home for the storm?" Yes it made me feel good for the moment. Reality check: when i asked him to please try to get on line tonight his answer--- i'll try my best. What other answer did i expect? Did anything change since yesterday when i got the load off my shoulders and told him everything i felt? NO. All it did is make me feel better to let him know how i felt . I was honest and to the point. Even having admitted to him that right now i can't let go because i don't feel strong enough. I believe the day will come SOON where i will be able to let go and go on with my life.

I feel very sad and lonely right now. My girls are out with their friends in their homes. My husband is home doing his own thing- having his "affair with the television" lol lol.

I am still in hope of him coming on line. What for? For him to tell me i can only stay on a minute, she is around. My anger is coming back. Did i expect otherwise?

Please post i need your support.

Love and hugs Alegab

January 28, 2005
12:32 am
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j.a.
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hey, first of all aliconie thanks for your words... your just soooo right about the stuff you say, its just so difficult to keep that in minf¿d and accept that certain types of guys will react that way (in a 2im always first way") the power theme is just sooo true.... and i ythink ive been avoiding to view it in that manner cause i find it low and viciuos, but its there and is essential in my ex boyfreind´s way of living and making sense of life. Narcissistic egos are big time trouble...!!!!
thanks on the words of not understanding the unaceptable, and the metaphor of the roller coaster, you are really so very right. ill definetely try to discoverrealpassion, and.... obviuosly find a guy that deserves me ... and as you say... not a guy that noone in their right mind would accept.
cheers!

January 28, 2005
12:37 am
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j.a.
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alegab---- why in gods name do these guys do that!!!!! call and offer everything (give the impresion of care, disposition and all the sort) and then just dissapear or act indiferent when you really need them or expect something meaningfull for them.... and most of all why do they have the power to tear our emotions up when they constantely keep on frusttraing expectations and situations?????? when thinking on what aliconie said... the answer could be as simple as "power games" these guys play power games on us that just prove whos incharge even if they are far away or the relationship is over... others would say they are just plain mad! .... the question is how we can get out and far away fron these situations!!!!!!!!
cheers!

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