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simply addicted to bad relationship
January 14, 2005
10:27 pm
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j.a.
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hello everyone, and thanks for creating this space. im 24 years old and have had a relationship with my boyfreind for about a year... the relationship has been full of ups and downs and honestly most of our fights have been because my boyfreing is never available for me or special moments in my life (that go from cirgical operation to graduations) unless he "feels like it". he is quite domineering and i constantely feel manipulated in the relationship. i an conciuos that we have generated unhealthy relationship patterns, specially because after every time he makes mistakes his mechanisim makes him insult me and treat me badly instead of admitting his mistake. he only admits his mistakes after long periods of time, and after try to fix the situation. i feel like i always have to fix disagreements for the relationship to continue. he says he loves me and respects me but in real life all his signals prove the contrary. lately he has been going a bit to far, being extremely disrespectfull, using a bit of phisical force (not hitting but grabing me and draging me to places against my will) and insulting me--- the problem is that for some reason although i am not feeling well or apreciated in the relationship, and i feel rather like im carrying te whole relationship myself, i cant end it. i preffer to forget al the bad things he does or make them not look seriuos (although i know they are) to be with him... i cant find the strengh or determination to get out of there and feel that im caught in his domeneering games... and seductive techniques... in the end with the slightest sign of a smile or love i turn back to him... all my freinds are worried and dont understand what is going on, my parents dont either and also are worried. Im very worried as well because i work very well in other areas of my life (freinds, work, etc) but emotionally in relations i just seem to loose it... what do you think? what can i do?

January 14, 2005
10:31 pm
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CAMER
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when your friends and family are worried, that is a problem.....sometimes love is blind. Have you tried to "walk away" from him or even set up boundaries...just to let him know that you too, have wants and needs and you deserve more.
How about sitting him down and telling him how you feel??? would he just brush this off or would he honestly listen to you and know that your not feeling too good about the relationship and how he treats you.

Codependency, is a long hard road, but every lil' step that you take will be one step closer to being
healthier.

I hope this helped you a lil'. Keep coming back, ok!!

(((camer)))

January 14, 2005
10:48 pm
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j.a.
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thanks camer for your inmediate response!
I have tried to walk away, and have had a worse time walking away from him than putting up with how he treats me... so.. in the end i always return and try to fix the situation... the longest weve been apart has been a month and by the end of the month (in which he never called or showed ant interesr) he called at 430 in the morning crying and telling me that he just couldnt tolerate being without me... we talked the next day (i really would have liked him to treat me that way when i needed him at the start of that month!) and although i thought i was over him i felt my heart beat heavily and noticed that i really loved him even after all that time... we got back together but evertthing has repeated itself periodically----
i have told him lots of times and expressed my needs, he tells me they are not important or impossible or histerical and that he will no give me any more because he cant or doesnt want to... when i tell him whats important for me instead of it being an instance for communication and understanding he always feels atacked and starts treating me badly, or in the best scenario he says he will keep it in mind and do something about it but he never does in real life...
and... the worse thing is i put up with all this!
what can i do???
haw seriuos do you think this is??

j.a.
xxxx

January 14, 2005
10:56 pm
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j.a.
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i forgot to mention one of the worst parts... i feel that he dosnt really appreciate being with me, he broke up for our aniversary yelling childish and hurtfull stuff. he never considers pampering me, or keeping details that are important for me in mind and is always expecting me to do these things for him... and i do them. i really dont think he loves me because although he says it, his acts contradict this...
the worse is that he isa failure ... he never gets antthing done, he is emotionaly unstable and cant even plan what he will do in two hours time because of his wild mood changes, he is unemployed, has studied three careers and hasnt finished any because he fights with teachers and directives, hes 30 and totaly depends on his mother and also on me (mainly economically)... he also is a precocious eyaculador so things in bed arnt any better...
i dont care much about these things because i love him and think that maybe they will change.... but he seems to be insecure and dosent assume it, so instead he discharges his frustation and anger on me in a very weird form of love/hate...

am i mad carrying on with something like this? why cant i get away?

January 15, 2005
10:23 am
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CAMER
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wow j.a.....he is unempluyed and has studies 3 careers and fights with his teachers..not good...even worse that he doesn't care how you feel and doesn't care that things may bother you, whatever bothers you about him and the relationship...he should care!!!

You did say you broke up for about a month in the past, you may have felt lonely without him or sad, but isn't it more lonely and sad BEING in a relationship with him???

Have you tried to go to any Coda meetings yet, they are all over the USA.....log onto http://www.coda.org
I have been going to meetings and they are a God send to me.

Maybe try reading some Coda books, and start putting more focus on your wants and needs. The relationship does sound "unhealthy" and one way to get back to healthy is by helping yourself, and learing more about you, and not accepting the "unacceptable" and loving yourself more. Take lil' steps on this and every step adds up to more healthy life.

I wish you the best & please keep posting, ok, you are not alone.

(((camer))))

January 15, 2005
5:03 pm
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j.a.
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Camer, thanks for you advice!
I will continue trying to fix this... i really desire to cut these unhealthy patterns... its just so difficult! its also good to know im not alone or just simply nuts!
ill check out the coda web page.
cheers!

January 15, 2005
5:30 pm
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on my way
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j.a When I was 24, now 51, I was in a similar relationship. I kept trying to fix it, and I also had a problem where I felt sorry for him, so I also tried to "save" him. I broke up with him, twice, went back to him both times---my decision to do so, because I always thought I could fix it, there was always something to fix, and I thought I could to make it work. It never occurred to me that it took TWO people to make it work, dumb, but true!! Problem is, I ended up marrying him...nothing changed, just got worse: Lesson #1: You can't change anyone, and #2 What you see is what you get. My marriage was horrible, and I have 3 sons from my marriage....absolutely awesome young men, but not totally ok as a result of growing up in the life we had for them. Much to think about. Except for my boys, many times I wished I had stayed and away and nevr gone back. You can't fix anything, it is all about relationship...and that in itself carries wisdom and responsibility to yourself and to the other person. If you have to place yourself in harms' way to achieve this, it is not worth it. My best to you...you have your whole life ahead of you. I did not listen to my family and their concerns and warnings, I thought I knew it all, knew him, knew myself....several times over the years, I wished I had listened to their wisdom. I would have saved myslef much heartache and pain.

January 17, 2005
2:39 pm
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j.a. Im in the same situation and it really is very painful. Well, actually we have been broken up for quite a while but the same patterns keep happening and I keep putting up with it and am just not able to let go. Im always there for him for the littlest things. Even now though not together, he can treat me like dirt, talk to me mean or ignore me, lie to me about having a girlfriend so I sleep with him, etc and then get depressed or in fight with "not" girlfriend and call me at 2 am and he KNOWS I will be right there to pamper him and cheer him up. Yet he is never there when I need him. I have had to go to ER with chest pains and he would not drive me when he was available, Ive passed out at work and he never even asked aobut it, my sister in law drown practically in my brothers arms (when we were still together) and he actually broke up with me because I got upset he would not come comfort me over it though he was home, 10 minutes away, chatting online! Guys like that are just SELFISH!! And they have a way of making us feel controlling for wanting them to be there for us. My ex makes me feel like dirt for it saying it makes all I do for him meaningless because I only do it expecting something in return! Is it wrong to expect him to be there for me also? As to your question, how do we break away from guys like that when we know its bad for us?? I wish I could do it myself...

January 17, 2005
3:05 pm
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i would first like to say that i am sorry you are going through so much unwanted pain. my question to you would be that i am reading a whole lot about what he does wrong, but i am a firm believer in the fact that it really takes two in a realtionship, i am by no way condoning his negative behavior, not at all but i would wonder what kind of pay off you are getting from this to want to stay imbedded in this kind of emotional abuse. you are not responsible for his actions but you are responsible for the directions you take and the way that you react to every situation. you see one thing that helped me alot was to realize that the world was not happening to me but instead i was choosing my situations, i choose to marry the juerk, i choose to have a child, i choose to stick around, etc. i guess what i am sayiong is that the only one we can change is ourselves, so what kind of things do you think you can change to make your situation better?

January 17, 2005
9:21 pm
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hey everyone, thanks for your replies!
im making an effort right now trying to change stuff... this guy got into a very childish tantrum a week ago and ended the relationship on our aniversary!!! it was a disaster and instead of just leaving i followed him through the streets for about an ahour and then called begging him to think again and see that he was ending the relationship because of a very childish tantrum based on jealosy and self anger (cause he didnt do anything for the aniversary and felt bad about it and raged at me instead of just appreciating the day...) after i finally stoped going after him, he called me two hours later, obviuosly everything got mixed up, so mixed up we ended sleeping together... which was terrible cause i stroked and cuddled him all night and h didnt say a word or look at me all night! when he woke in the morning he didnt say anything other than, its over and leave... i was heartbroken.. but since then ive been trying to make a change, i havent called him or looked for him, ive tryed to discover the stuff im responsible for, ive lived the pain of being hurt instaed of trying to run to him and teel him how to fix it... its been a week and a hallf... ive got into counseling... and although my heart is in shreads and its extremelyu hard to carry on with life, its good to feel im not forgetting what i think is right and respectfull for myself. mmmm lets see how i do, we are supposed to talk, sometime, when hes in the mood and his anger is over.... well.. whatever.. i hope things get better, either way... wounded spirit all my empathy! maybe the right road is bearing the pain for a while of not being with whom you love and waiting for our hearts to fond peace.. or at least hope that will happen! ilsils, i hope this lasts... in answer to your question... the reason im still there is that the good moments are just sooo good! (the contrary to bad moments which are just so bad), im also there cause i feel we connect at a very human level (ironically the connction doesnt coincide with the real occurences) and ... also cause part of the time we have a great time...the problem is the rest of the "bad time" .... well lets see...
cheers!

January 17, 2005
10:13 pm
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Dear J.A. I am so sorry to hear about your "serious" problem. I say serious because I have been through an identical situation. It is now put behind me for two years. I paid a very heavy price for it--- i wound up in the mental ward five times because of the same exact thing you are going through. I was so abused that i didn't know whether i was coming or going. The deep black hole i was in seemed to get deeper and deeper. The psychiatrist treating me said that this man was a very sick man and he put all his poison and sickness on me and i was too weak to deal with it.

In the most sincere way, i hope you listen to your better judgement and all the red FLAGS that are waving at you. I know it is difficult to listen to other people's advice when you feel you are in love with this person. You must first love yourself totally to be able to be in a relationship where you are respected, feel worthy, feel valuable and feel lovable. This person is doing none of that for you. The only thing he is doing for you is tying a heavy anchors on your ankles to sink with him. It is not up to you to "make him see the light." He has to first recognize that he has a problem. I don't mean to to make you feel bad but you must see what "your baggage is."

A book that helped me tremendously besides, extensive therapy, heavy duty medications and support was a book entitled THE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED WOMAN, OVERCOMING DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS AND RECLAIMING YOURSELF. AUTHOR IS BEVERLY ENGEL. It is not a new book so you might have a problem finding it. Ask at your library and they might be able to get it for you.

Another excellent book i just started reading is FACING LOVE ADDICTION- GIVING YOURSELF THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOVE. Author Pia Mellody. This you might be able to purchase. Its current.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to take care of yourself and your needs. Also, you might want to look up this web site:
http://www.slaaws.org/
This site will tell you whatever you want to know about Love addiction (also sex addiction, some people use sex to keep a person bound to them). It is a twelve step program that has saved millions of lives. I personally attend those meeting. If you care to look at that site it will answer all the question you might want to know. It will also tell you where the meetings are in your city.

JA i wish you the best of luck and peace in your heart and mind. You are deserving to be treated like a human being and you are worth it.

Keep posting.

Love, ((((((((hugs)))))))
Alegab

January 18, 2005
10:39 pm
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j.a.
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Alegab!
thanks!
iti was very nice and conforting reading you. im doing my best, althoigh its just soooo dificult... i talked today with this guy on the phone, all though i thought everything was under control i ended un begging him for 15 min of his company.... which he denied... just pathetic!!! i dont know how he gets away with it... how i let him. i discovered today that he had taken every choice of desition i had in the relationship cause he denys respect, listening, comprehension and empathy towards me, the only things i can do is stop seeing him cause he doesnt even see me as a person any more when we talk hes just so self centered and disrespectfull and charges his anger at me when i draw limits... so... im seriuodly thinking about just doing the only thing i have the faculty to do with him... cut him off... i hope i have the strength .. i feel like a sinking ship its like im being drained energetically and emotionally with all the hassle...
lots of love
j.a.

January 19, 2005
12:13 pm
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j.a sounds like you truely are finding responcibilty in this. im proud of you, this mean s you have the power to change,
dont you hate it when you get reduced to begging, certainly no guy is going to respond to that, i know i tried and failed every time. i do however think your best bet is no contact, its so hard though isnt it, just know that the more you stay away the more he probably is going to have to wonder about you, and if he does come back trying to talk to you, i hope that you give him a taste of his own medicine and shoot him down, sorry feels pretty bad huh?i dont think people should dish out what they couldnt handle themselfs. im having a hard time today myself,,,but i wont call him i wont do it.

January 19, 2005
1:33 pm
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J.A. These guys really do have a natural talent for making us feel like dirt and turning everything on us. They screw up, forget the anniversary etc, and someone its you who is punished for it. The scary thing is, in their irrational minds, they seem to really believe it is our own doing. Im a hypocrite for saying this as Ive not completely been able to do it myself but...Be strong! And know you deserve better

January 19, 2005
2:04 pm
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Hi JA- How are you today? I know you must be feeling overwhelmed by this problem. It is not easy to face and more so easy to end it. As i've said before I've been through this and it took me a long time to end it and then even more time to get over it.

Try to think of the analogy of a baby starting to learn how to walk. They take a few steps and fall, they get back up again and try a few more steps, they fall again, again they try until one day they are able to take many steps and not fall at all.
This is a process. The first is recognizing that one has a problem and the second is to be ready to do something about it.

Pat yourself on the back for recognizing what the issues are. That is a big step to take. You are doing the best you can right now.

I know how terrible it feels to get to the point of begging and not getting a response. BIG TIME REJECTION.

Are you in any kind of therapy? If not, have you considered going? I don't mean to tell you what you should do but, this is a very difficult issue to handle by yourself. You need all the support you can get. Therapists are trained to be objective and see things usually for what they are and try to help you deal with these issues.

Whatever you decide to do, i am here for you and i will answer your posts. I am by far out of the woods with another relationships right now, but as i tell you, one step at a time and i try to take my own advice.

Love and lots of hugs
Alegab

January 19, 2005
7:42 pm
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hey, thanks everyone for you r support, i can hardly wait to get back from work and check whats going on here... it really is great to be able to be in contact with you, its so refreshing and supportive!
ive been making a huge effort, and doing ok... a few things have actualy been turned around.. instead of waiting for him to call so we can talk, when he called i took charge of the situation (after having made mistakes though)...
when he finally called, two days after he said he would called i nearly fainted when i saw his number on the cel phones screen!!! i answered, he siad he wasnt angry anymore and wanted to talk to me later that day... but the truth is that he still sounded angry and said a lot of hurtfull things...
i kind of went out of control and told him i couldnt get together with him cause i had two meetings (which was true, one with my therapist and one later with 2 school freinds) i asked him if i could visit him in my lunch break for 15 min... and he said NO!!!!! He said he was just too busy and couldnt fit me in for 15 min!!!! i felt terrible!!!!!! and... started begging.... obviuosly it didnt do any good rather than make me feel rotten, unloved... and all that kind of stuff... i told him he was being bad, nasty and still seemed annoyed... and he just ignored me and hurt me saying he was going away to the beach (something we had been planning for ages together and he never got to do, and now that we are apart he decides to go!!!!!! it was a big dissapointment) a while after we hung up... i realized that he wasnt respecting me or even giving me the choice to choose when to see him, i felt that he had stolen all my possibilities of choosing in the relationship, the only options i could make use of were not calling him and not seeing him!!!!! it was terrible i broke down and cryed all my lunch break driving thruogh the streets, then i stoped for a while at a freinds house to wash my face and get a few extra hugs (which were so important at that moment!!!).

I called him after that and told him that i felt that he wasnt respecting me and that the basic requirements for talking werent there... (basic stuff like respect, honesty, listenig to each other, tranquility and validating the others point of view instead of pretending it dosent exist) he just laughed and said that was my problem and had nothing to do with it!!!!!!!! i told him that it was our problem, and that i wouldnt talk to him unless he showed respect and validated or respected my position, he didnt say anything and kept silent for a while, then he said that then if those were the conditions we wouldnt talk o each other o see eacho other again!!!!! (can you believe this?????) and after that he insisted on seeing each other after my job even after telling him I had 2 meetings and couldnt see him, but mr. god seemed to think i would reschedule everything because of him (which i had done a few times). I told him to call me later and check when we could meet- when he called he was annoying and i told him i didnt know if i could meet him, i turned the situation around and said that I would call him to tell him when we could meet. At first he objected, and then realized that there was nothing he could do. i felt terrible, and because of how he treated me and the mean things he said i really thought he was going to treat me bad and end the relationship in a cruel way... i was so shook up i couldnt stop crying, i could hardly deal with my self... on one hand i couldnt deal with the fact he could break up with me at that moment and im simply not ready for it, on the other ... i need time to work things out myself befor more diruption.. and i dont want him to break up with so much anger and hatred in him... i kind of prefer a peacefull thing ....

aFTER THERAPY i decided i didnt want to call him or contact him cause i felt to weak and vulnerable... it was time to take care of myself and think about myself first. I got around to calling him today... after one day... he was really annoyed because he said hed been expecting my call all night!!!!!! I fely sooooo goood!!!!!! hed done that to me so many times and for the first time ina year he was getting to know what it felt like, it was empowering to feel him angry because i didnt call... maybe he will learn what its like, because in the last 2 weeks hes done it constantly with me! When we talked i told him that i hadnt called the day before because i felt that the previuos phone calls had been very akward and that io felt that basic things such as respect and good will werent present, i also told him that I needed a bit of time to get my mind together and think a bit before talking to him, and that i would call him when i felt the time was right. he did the only thing he could.. which was say ok...
i feel great, like im finally standing up for myself and respecting my times and moments for things, and i didnt beg or show any vulnerability on the phone, i didnt start telling him what i felt for him or show anytype of feeling or anxiety towards him... its still tough and theres a lot to go through, but as someone said earlier... its one step at a time... i feel im biulding my security and will.... hope things go right and he dosent do something mean or cruel about my sudden "taking charge of my life" .. well. thats what ive been up to.. theres still a lot of confusion and pain... i hope i dont advance backwards with this... but im trying my best!!!
lots of love to you all, thanks for everything!!!!!!
j.a.

January 19, 2005
8:01 pm
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And why is it that your with this guy? I mean really, why is it that you love him cause he sounds like a real a$$hole!!

January 19, 2005
8:14 pm
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i dont know... he gives a very stong self image of himself... which is wondelfull and its taken me a year to discover it was only a image.. theres nothing else. im also with him cause i appreciate the good moments.. which are limited, but they build up the ilusion in my heart that things could be good too!
i suppose am too atached to him , that love is also an important matter, and... as painfull as it is to say... i somehow think that if i put in more effort it might change and get better, the problem is that im realizing relationships need not onoly 2 people doing the same effort but also 2 people listening to each other and respecting each other and... in the end to people loving themselves in a healthy way, and thi sincludes 2 healthy individuals, or at least two individuals that are concuios of their faults and want to improve....
and.. your right... this guy is an %$"/"/%"%.... its a pity i realized when it was too late and now its very dificult to get aou and fix the holes in my heart and sole.... if you can read my thread getting rid of charmer/abuser guy.... it explains the situation better
cheers!
j.a.

January 19, 2005
8:20 pm
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Alegab
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JA- GOOD FOR YOU, YOU ARE TAKING CHARGE OF YOURSELF. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION, REMEMBER THAT. The other one is one day at a time, easy does it, there are alot of encouraging statements that keep us going.

Keep patting yourself on the back for all you have done in a short time. Imagine how wonderful it will be in a few days, then a few weeks etc. THINK OF YOU AND HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE. YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS MET.

KEEP US POSTED.

LOVE AND HUGS
ALEGAB

January 19, 2005
10:08 pm
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hi j.a....hope your doing ok tonite...and as Alegab said...one day at a time...and put the focus on you and know you are worthy. Keep coming back and posting, you are not alone....((camer))

January 20, 2005
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one more day passed without myself calling!!!!!!

January 21, 2005
11:07 am
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good for you J.A im so proud

January 21, 2005
11:30 am
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way to go j.a. starting to stop calling is the hardest part, but it gets easier. Pretty soon you will look back on this and be like, why did I think that was so hard?

January 21, 2005
5:48 pm
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dont know whats happening or what to do... my heart aches....still managing to not call him, but missing him terrible, even bought him a small gift (spices with which he likes to cook...), ive thought about him all day during work i passed near where he lived and realized a lot of things about his way of seeing life (he lived at a very poor outskirt of the city) passing through there made me realize loads of stuff...
i really want to call, but i feel i dont have my feelings clear, and what good there is there in loving him if the way he loves back is so destructive for me? what can i do?

January 21, 2005
5:59 pm
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j.a promise me youll stay stron, ill try too atleast for today

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