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Signs abusers are changing or not
December 4, 2003
12:50 pm
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unhappy camper
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This is the same info that was given to me in a handout at my support group:

Signs an Abuser may be Changing
You are the best judge of whether your partner is changing or not; if your gut feeling is that there is no change, trust that regardless of other signs.

Has your partner completely stopped saying and doing things that frighten you?

Can you express anger without being punished for it?

Does it feel safe to bring up topics that you know your partner disagrees with?

Can your partner listen to your opinion and respect it, even when disagreeing with you?

Does your partner argue without being abusive or having to be right?

Does your partner respect your wishes about sex and physical contact?

Has your partner stopped expecting you to do things that you may not want to do?

Can you spend time with friends or family without being afraid that your partner will retaliate? Can you do other things that are important to you, such as go to school or get a job?

Are you comfortable with the way your partner interacts with the children?

Do you feel safe leaving the children with your partner?

Does your partner support you and give compliments?

Does your partner listen to what you have to say?

Does your partner do enough housework and childcare?

http://www.emergedv.com/signs_.....nging.html

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Signs an Abuser is NOT Changing
Does your partner use Emerge group sessions or information against you in any way?
Does your partner tell you that you are the one that is abusive?
Is your partner pressuring you to go to therapy for yourself or couples counseling for the two of you?
Is your partner minimizing the abuse in the Emerge group? (You can ask the group leaders what your partner is reporting in the groups.)
Does your partner demand a second chance?
Does your partner say that it is impossible to change without your support?
Does your partner try to get sympathy from you or the children?
Do you have to keep after your partner to attend Emerge meetings and stay in the program?
Does your partner expect something in return from you for attending Emerge?
Is your partner pressuring you to make up your mind about the relationship or to move back in together?
Is your partner pressuring you to drop criminal charges or your restraining order?
Is your partner attempting to blackmail you into dropping criminal charges or your restraining order?

Abusers may pressure you to stay with them while they attend Emerge; this is a tactic of abuse and control. If they are serious about changing, they will respect your wishes about the relationship.

http://www.emergedv.com/signs_.....nging.html

December 4, 2003
12:58 pm
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unhappy camper
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Warning Signs

Anyone can be an abuser. Although both men and women can be abusers, approximately 93% of abusers are men. Abusers often present an image of the "good provider," and they often have low self-esteem. They often refuse to accept responsibility for the violence and attempt to rationalize or blame the victim for causing it.

Signs of Potential Danger

Jealousy: of your friends, family, co-workers...any relationship other than your relationship with the abuser

Violent behavior: fights at parties, on the street, or in bars

Controlling behavior: monopolizing your time; not allowing you to make decisions about your clothes, how to wear your hair, investing money, or looking for a job

Verbal abuse: calling you hurtful and harmful names; putting you down either in private or in public

Mood swings: a personality that is "up and down." You don't know what will suddenly make him mad. He may be happy one minute and angry the next minute.

Isolation: from friends, family, neighbors. You fear that if you say "hello" to a friend, he will get jealous and angry.

Blaming: abusers blame you and/or others for their problems, for example, losing a job.

Unrealistic expectations: abusers can be overcritical. He may expect you to be the perfect partner, lover or friend.

Hypersensitivity: abusers are often easily insulted or hurt.

Family history: abusers may have seen domestic violence in their nuclear families. They were raised believing that domestic violence is normal behavior.

Sexist attitude toward women: abusers usually believe in strict gender roles. They believe that it is your job to take care of the home and him.

Threats of violence: any threat or physical force that is used to control you-including the threat of suicide.

http://www.casadeesperanza.org.....signs.html

December 4, 2003
1:20 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I agree with everything here EXCEPT that I do not really believe that 93% of abusers are men.

Not to start a gender war thread, but there are survey data to suggest that it is about 50-50 men and women. That's by the women's own reporting. Also, abuse is not uncommon in lesbian relationships, where no man is involved.

Remember, when men hit women, the women are more likely to get hurt, and women have a lower threshold for reporting abuse than men.

When a woman hits a man, he may have no idea that what is happening equals abuse. And even if he does, men are loathe to admit being victimized by a woman--it hurts our manly pride or something.

Anyway, I think it is about having a battering personality: in short, unreasonable expectations, a sense of entitlement, being manipulative and disrespectful are the essence of abusiveness, and those qualitites do not require the presence of a Y chromosome. Trust me on this one.

December 4, 2003
1:40 pm
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unhappy camper
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I do, but not 50/50 though!!! Testosterone. Men make wars. Men kill and attack. Men are dictators. Soldiers and generals. Boxers. There is NO comparison at all!!!

I always said we should put estrogen in the drinking water with the fluoride to calm men down. If they grow a bit of some breasts, so be it. LOL At least we'd all get along. Now I know you are going to come back on this! LOL

December 4, 2003
2:53 pm
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vegas
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I will have to admit that I was an abuser to romeo.

Reading the previous posts opened my eyes to that fact. I needed to have control over him.

So, Worried-Dad, I'm with you when you say chicks can be abusers too. But, I speak only for myself when I say I don't have a "battering personality." The "unreasonable expectations, sense of entitlement, manipulation [to get my way]" all pertained to me. I am ashamed to even say I was also "disrespectful" cuz of some of the words I used with romeo, and how I would give very low blows, even going as far as trying to get his family on my side.

unhappy camper: thanks for the information. Though I'm out of an abusive relationship, I found the info quite enlightening.

December 4, 2003
3:03 pm
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Worried_Dad
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vegas,

If you describe yourself as entitled, disrespectful and manipulative, you are describing a battering personality. Gee, I hope you didn't hit him, too.

I am glad that you have developed some consciousness and conscience about how you treated "Romeo."

December 4, 2003
3:03 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Oh yes, the "Violence by Women" thread is mine-- I just googled it. What an eye opener!

December 4, 2003
3:07 pm
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HARRYO
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The emotional pain caused by
being rejected and cheated
on is worse abuse than any
black eye or bloody nose that
I ever had.
I won't be looking for signs
of change. I will be looking for
signs so this will never happen
to me again.

December 4, 2003
3:17 pm
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vegas
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Well, I say "entitled" cuz I was the breadwinner the whole time...he couldn't help me financially. And I paid for everything...including things he should have been responsible for (ex: traffic tickets, court fines, school tuition). So, I felt "entitled" to he respecting me..."entitled" to he helping me.

I say "manipulative" cuz I would say certain things, do certain things so to hopefully get a particular behaviour out of romeo. I tried to control him.

I've already touched upon why I say "disrespectful."

But, I'm not this way to others...only to my ex romeo...he brought out a monster in me.

ps...I did hit him if I had to defend myself. The abuse went both ways in our relationship. He was physically abusive...I was emotionally/psychologically abusive. And yes I did hit him when I was angry after discovering he had a girlfriend...and had just gotten married to another woman.

December 4, 2003
3:48 pm
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unhappy camper
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vegas
You were being the victim and were angry and hurt and being used. You were not an abuser. You would not have been like that with a non-abuser. Don't beat yourself up!!!

WD, if you were a victim of an abusive woman, did that make your anger at her abuse? I don't think so.

It is reasonable to be outraged at abuse. The battering is by the abuser. This is mainly a man abusing female world, because of the patriarchal society we live in.

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