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Sick of being sick
July 3, 2000
10:23 am
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Cici
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Complain, complain, complain. I hate it. But I always do it. I found out last week that I have an STD. I never even knew it existed, or that condoms don't always protect against it. I have HPV. Human Papilloma virus. Trasmitted through skin-skin contact, even just touching. Who knows who I got it from. I gave it to my fiancee. Related to gential warts.

But, lucky him, it doesn't affect men. It causes cervical cancer in women. So I've had three paps since April. Two biopsies. All abnormal canercerous growth. Closely monitored by my GYN, but the surgery for this can make it difficult to conceive or carry a pregnancy through.

On top of this, I have my gastroparesis and reflux and I'm tired of being tired all the time and being sick and worrying about if I'm going to die or if I can have children, but I can't stop myself from worrying. Missed a lot of work. It's hard to concentrate.

I was so happy for a while and now I feel so freaking guilty about this whole STD thing. I feel stupid, too. I guess it's just a down day for me. A down week. I feel this anxiety just pulsing through me.

I think it's the Roman Catholic in me that's putting me through the ringer right now. It just really sucks. I went to church for the first time in 2 years yesterday. But I find myself getting angry at God, even though my choices led me to this path. Except for my GI disorders, which are genetic. Ug ug ug ug ug. Blech.

July 3, 2000
3:01 pm
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Frieda
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Sweet Cici, hang on!

Guilt is a killer, if it stops there. Take it the next step, be sorry, do what you must to keep it from happening again, and accept forgiveness, forgive yourself. You are the same person you were before, but as always you have the opportunity to grow. Crises are notorious for that, and it looks like you may grow to gigantic proportions based on all the trials you're facing!!

Don't think God doesn't know you're mad at Him. Don't think He can't take it. Tell Him all about it. He knows all about your genetics and your choices. He's not shocked or disappointed. Let Him have it!!!

You're an awesome communicator, and I've learned a lot from you. Thanks for letting me see your struggles, too. Don't give up. Complain all you want. This too, shall pass.

My thoughts and prayers...

July 3, 2000
4:47 pm
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hq22
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Dear Cici,
I kind of know how you feel about the medical I too have a condition endometrosis and ovarian cyts which I end up having to be operated on 2 a year there is no cure for either of these conditions. Which makes it worse it is painful and puts me in a very bad mood on occasions. I too am sick of being sick hang in there...

July 3, 2000
5:15 pm
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heartfelt
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Cici.from all I've read from you and helping others to see differently, maybe , no not maybe, Give yourself the extra goodness you have to you. Bring back the balance, harmony to the extent you can retrieve it. I have little doubt that you can. You know s--t happens, that;s a given, but what needs to be given to you from you and all that care, is the love and understanding uncondionally. Remember guilt serves No purpose, drop it and pick up and absorb all the nurture that awaits, just reach and take hold.thinking of you.

July 4, 2000
8:30 am
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Spirit
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Cici: Has the option of freezing the cervix ever been brought up? I had to have that done a year ago after repeated abnormal paps and biopses. So far, so good, still an abnormal reading, but the growth was stopped. Check with your gyn and see if this is an option. Its an inoffice procedure, and when that sucker melts, you know it. What it does is freezes the tissue, when it thaws out, the frozen sections drop off. Beats the heck out of surgery, as long as it is a viable alternative.

Now, as for you being a complainer, Pooh. When we care to share what is going on with us, people have a tendancy to call that complaining, bragging or whatever. All you are doing is sharing your woes. When you do that, you find out you are not alone, and others may have suffered the same as you, and can give you valuable information. Stay in peace, and share all you want, we'll write more. Thanks for being there for me and others.

July 4, 2000
1:27 pm
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megan
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July 4, 2000
4:35 pm
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Cici
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Thanks for the support! It's weird when things come back to haunt you. People from your past who you really didn't ever want to see again, or sudden triggers of memories that you never wanted to remember in the first place.

You think about all the time you're spent telling yourself that you're making progress, and how one crisis can send you back to being that person you've tried hard to move away from. In church, we said the prayer of forgiveness. God forgive me for what I have done. I have asked that so many times. I remember Father Mullins, the priest at the church in my home town, told my father (who converted from being Baptist) that religion is a very personal experience. You can't rely on others to mediate your conversatiosn with God. You've got to learn to face God yourself.

My Mom said that after my oldest sister died, she stopped going to church because she felt like God was punishing her. She felt like Job. And why should she be punished, trying to live life the way that God has outlined in the 10 commandments?

I made so many mistakes. Stupid decisions. I guess I've been human. Fallible. But I keep trying to remember that suffering is God giving us an opportunity to be better, to learn more about ourselves and others. To suffer nobly, rather than in anguish. I wish I could do that better.

July 8, 2000
7:56 am
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hazza
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Oh Cici,
My thoughts are with you. I too have had a bad day today - the craft fair I was preparing for has just been cancelled with 2 weeks to go and I don't think I will get my money back.
And then I read your post and realise that really it is unimportant compared to the issues you are facing right now.

I am so sorry this has come up for you - I guess there must be many people with this condition out there and it is undiagnosed a lot of the time - I have never heard of it.

But I know you will get through it - but you must try to keep relaxed, the anxiety is so bad for your body, so please treat relaxation like the medicine it is - itis very important to keeping you healthy!

I am sending you positive thoughts and hugs, can't do much more I am afraid than that.

All I can say to you is that look at what you have achieved so far - you will rise to these challenges also and suceed. try your very best to focus on all the good in your life - I know it sounds corny but I think you know what I mean.

BTW - my middle name is Jobyna - the female equivilent of Job. it means the afflicted one, can help but wondering if the name has cursed me!!
but my first name means "strong woman" so maybe they cancel each other out!

take care and let us know if you need more hugs.
Hazza

July 9, 2000
5:15 am
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Iris
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Cici: after I read your post I felt very depressed. If just reading what happened to you made this to me, how would you feel yourself ?! Miserable may be. This is what people call "catastrophe", and why you?

On the other hand, you seem very brave, you didn't gave up, you are trying to do whatever necessary to confront the situation. The important thing now is what you do. It helps to do whatever experts and physicians say is necessary and then tell yourself that you can overcome this difficult situation. You are not responsible for it, this is may be why it is more difficult.

Do whatever you can and everything else is for God to do.Everything from God is fine. This is part of your fate, do we have anything else than to accept it? It is hard, but we all have such things sooner or later. Life is only a stage, we all are going to die. Whatever our problems are, there are other people who suffer more. I don't know whether all this will help you or not, butI hope it would.

I really don't know what else to say, but I do feel with you and I am sure you will go through this soon. You are still shocked may be but then we have to accept our destiny, good or bad especially when we have no other choices. Take Care.

July 10, 2000
9:58 am
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Cici
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I've gotten "crusader's syndrome" again. I'm very prone to it, anyway. My doctor told me that 80% of sexually active people either have had or currently have this virus. But I didn't even know about it until I had already contracted it. The thing is that there's really no cure. Just time. And it's hard to protect against it unless you abstain completely from sex, since condoms only cover the penis and that leaves the peri-genital area uncovered still. The virus is like warts, transmitted through skin-skin contact.

So now I've gotten on this kick. I'm telling all my friends about it. A lot of people don't want to hear about it, especially because they sit back and think about all their past partners who they didn't use condoms with or whatever. I sometimes even get hostile responses to it. all I want is for women to know about this virus. The problem is that no drug companies will advertise about a disease that can't be cured, since there's no money in it for them.

All I can do is keep going. It's very depressing. In fact, I feel about as sexual as a door right now. It's hard on my fiancee, it's hard on our relationship. If I had just known about this disease, I would have been a little more discrening about my partners.

Blech. Regardless of this, i can't help but look at my father, who lives in about constant pain due to a degenerative spinal disease. I think this is my opportunity to show God that I won't be beat by something like this. I made certain choices in my life, some maybe bad, some definately good, and they all led me to the place I am right now. i'm happy where I am. So I will do my best to make it right, and live the way that I want to live. My mantra is a Viktor Frankl quote: "When everything else is taken away from a man, the only thing left that he and only he owns is the attitude which he chooses to take in any given set of circumstances." I choose to be strong.

July 10, 2000
11:07 pm
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Spirit
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Cici: You've done it again, Little Buddy! You have given me the words I needed today. Let me tell you why: September 99 cervix frozen, pre-cancer; November 99 kidney stones, hospital; December 99 mass of unknown origin in right kidney, cancer cell test came back atypical; April 00 auto accident, kidney stone, UTI, pnuemonia; June 00 mom diagnosed with Breast Cancer, stresssssss; July 00 degeneration between C5 & C6 & C7, also, two protrusions from all the above C areas, coupled with muscle stress from auto accident, ouch!; also, July 00 a cornea abrasion from a hanger at work (don't ask) pain....; add to the mix daily stressors, I really needed your words today. Thank you! I'm afraid to ask, but what next??? Peace to all in your times of pain, illness, stress, worries, life...we all need it.

July 11, 2000
6:21 pm
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heartfelt
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What next Spirit?......tomorrow.

July 11, 2000
11:04 pm
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Spirit
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Yes, tomorrow, a chance to build new memories of which to reminisce with a special loved one while gumming cookies on the front pourch in rockers. What a peacefilled thought that is... Thank you, Heartfelt.

July 12, 2000
6:44 am
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heartfelt
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Spirit..may the sun shine on your face and the wind be at your back.all will be as it was meant to be....all will be ok......SD

July 12, 2000
10:15 am
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Cici
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I am praying for you, Spirit.

Sometimes I wonder at the connection between physical and mental health. I am very sure that idiopathic gastroparesis (the digestive disease I have...idiopathic means that they can find no cause for the disease in me. It usually happens in the elderly and diabetics) has a strong tie to anxiety and depression.

Under long term stress your body's ability to defend itself through the immune system becomes weaker and weaker.

One psychological researcher deals primarily with holocaust victims, who are now in their 70s, 80s and 90s. Although they appear calm, he monitors their blood pressure during sessions and the BP can sky-rocket from like 120/90 to 260/170. They appear to have dealt with the trauma, but when you examine victims of any trauma what you find is that they internalize their trauma-related anxiety. Memories, pictures, anything that may remind them of the trauma can causes them stress. Many now are having heart attacks and strokes.

It goes against the Freudian idea of catharsis...talking out your problems.

It makes me wonder whether I appear to be strong when there is actually an internal weakness, a rotten place in my heartwood that no one will ever be able to cure.

Bad day? Maybe. I'm very tired, I am often like this. I can't eat much and more and more my sleep is very restless and filled with terrible images. I'm considering going to the doctor, but I don't want to be on another daily pill. It is weak of me to want some panacea, some pill I can take that will make my worries go away. My friend, who is prescribed xanax for panic attacks, goes into withdrawal if he stops taking it for more than a few days. I don't want to be drug dependent (again, ha ha), but as I sleep less and less I get weaker and weaker. I am afraid.

July 12, 2000
6:34 pm
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Cici Fear will accompling nothing and when you feel it, just feel it...it will pass.....when people have needs for medication prescribed by a doc for the right reasons , that's ok. There's no doubt that there is a connection between physical and mental issues....examine them, become centered, make choices in your best interest and live...feel the fear and do it anyway.

July 12, 2000
8:55 pm
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Spirit
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Cici: As my prayers are with you. Sadly, as we age we seem to have more of a need for that daily pill. More than likely, for just what you have so logically described. So, take care of yourself. If one pill at bedtime will give you that much needed slep, then no harm done. As you know, there are antidepressants perscribed for just that circumstance. I know, I take one, and it's wonderful to sleep once again. Peace, my friend, may all your dreams be of soft clouds and happy rainbows. Oh, and Mel Gibson, if he floats your boat...

July 13, 2000
9:44 am
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Cici
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I'm going to my yoga class next week. I'm meditating. I want to see if this will help me. I guess after seeing seven different doctors multiples times over the last seven months and going in and out of the hospital for outpatient procedures and X-rays and endoscopy and colonoscopy, I just don't want to see another freaking white lab coat for the next several years. Of course this is impossible, since I have to go in to the gynocologist every three months now for a "this will pinch a little" ow-that-really-hurts biopsy.

I found a mantra to meditate on, to. "Om apademapa hataram dataram sarva sampadam loka bhi ramam sri rama bhuyo bhyuo namamyaham". It's supposed to be a healing mantra. I tried meditating for about 20 minutes yesterday and I felt refreshed and calm and almost sleepy. You're supposed to do it when you wake up, before you sleep and before meals. At this point, I'm willing to try anything to keep me away from doctors. But God my head hurts today. Migrane.

July 13, 2000
7:18 pm
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Cici...may you not suffer, may you be at peace.........when I'm hurting physically or mentally I begin this meditation with "may I not suffer, may I be at peace"..concentratimg on the breathing inhaling deeply through the nose, exhaling through the mouth....I say these words as long as it takes to move on to someone I know who's hurting and focus on that individual...may SD not suffer may she be at peace" over and over with the same breathing technique....until it's time to move on to all humanity."may we all not suffer, may we be at peace............it works.

July 13, 2000
10:09 pm
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Spirit
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So I had to ask what next...The answer came today. My mom is in for a world of hurt. The lymphnodes will be coming out from under her arm. The cancer has been identified as being of the genetic type. S--t! Not receptive to chemo, as a rule. Could spread. Deep Breath. Forge ahead. Moment to Moment... May she not suffer, may she be at peace...Thanks Heartfelt...

July 14, 2000
9:49 am
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Cici
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Spirit, I am still praying for you. My mother had a lot of tumors on her lymph nodes. She's had both sides under her arms removed and some on her neck. She had to go to a Naval hospital for one of the surguries and they knicked her optic nerve, so now she has no depth perception. GO Navy! I guess it's weird. In my family we joke about it because it's been so long since it happened.

I just wanted to tell you about that to give you some hope. It could be possible that your mother will get better, as mine did. I'm hoping that you can stay strong and keep on hoping.

July 14, 2000
7:39 pm
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Spirit.....I have a feeling that a great deal of unconditional support will be there for you and yours. In times such as these many things play with the mind.stay focused, rest when you can and hold on to a hand when you need to. I know it will be there. Your Mom, from what you've shared, is a strong woman and she will dig deep to walk through what lies ahead. The beauty is she will not ever walk alone.....and neither will you.....

July 31, 2000
2:37 am
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It is good to hear of so much courage.all of you have so much compassion and insight. God bless you all! knowing others care and are willing to help eases our burdens makes life liveable.when things really get me down I ask myself these questions. if today happened to be your last day how would you live it? How would you want to be remembered? by your family, by your friends

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