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should I tell my boyfriend
April 25, 2000
4:57 pm
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guilty
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My boyfriend and i first got together a little over 4 years ago, after three years we broke up. We both needed some space to figure some things out. We were apart for almost one year but we got back together eight months ago. I am totally happy now that I am back with him. I think the time apart made me realize how much he meant to me. The problem is that while we were apart I slept with three people. He has no idea that it happened and it would crush him if he found out. I am weighed down with guilt over this. I have recently been told by my therapist that I have depression and wonder if this is contributing. I feel that he needs to know because I do not want our relationship to be based on lies. We have both been talking more realisticly about the future and marriage has been thought about. I do not know if i could marry him with this secret in me. Should i tell him and risk loosing him, or keep the secret and the guilt?

April 26, 2000
6:20 am
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janes
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Ask your therapist if it could be contributing to your depression....or maybe your depression is affecting your feelings of guilt.

Honesty is the best policy but why would you want to tell him something that will crush him and ent the relationship.

What you do with your life is your business. While you two were apart was he celibate?

I don't think he needs to know. But you may need to tell him..for yourself.

A difficult decision eitherway. good luck.

April 26, 2000
8:46 am
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hazza
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Hi there,
Many people in this situation tell their partners to life thier own guilt, but that doesn't mean it is always the right thing to do.
you were single when this happened, why should you feel guilty? if he asks you then tell him, but if not, why not get on with enjoying your future together and not live in the past.
if he has not asked you about the time you were apart maybe that means it is not something he wants to know anyway.
sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel bad about.
Hugs
Hazza

April 26, 2000
8:54 am
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Cici
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I think everyone wants to have the kind of open, honest relationship that allows them to unburden their souls. But you'll have trouble finding even one example of this. HUman beings are complex characters with different sensistivities.

Now, I would say on the onehand, you could approach this in the light that you should never reveal infidelities to your partner. It only unburdens your feelings of guilt, but usually only breaks down whatevr trust has been built up and disrupts the progress of you relaitonship in general.

On the other hand, you weren't involved with him at the time. Therefore, he had no control or say in your behavior during that period. If you truely feel it is important, than ask him if he was with anyone while you were broken up, then broach the subject.

Many times when we are derpessed, we fall into circular thinking patterns and start to obssess about small things and small issues. They become huge, overwhelming, and making decisions seems almost like trying to climb an insurmountable mountain. We are also prone to making impulsive decisions. The impulse is that we try to make sense of the feelings of depression so that we can claim control over them. To admit that our feelings are out of our control is to admit that you can't control your responses to things. THat's a scary idea.

Unfortunately, this is the case in clinical depression. Hormonal and neurotransmitter imbalances cause us to have exaggreated responses to issues that we could normally handle. Talk about this with your therapist and try hard to sit down and decide for yourself whether it's worth the emotional stress right now to talk about this issue. In my case, I cheated on my present fiance early in our relaitonship. I never admitted it to him, I never will, and I work hard to make our relationship healthy "from this day forward, one step at a time" as they say in NA and AA.

April 26, 2000
11:34 pm
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guilty
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Wow!! I always thought that by telling him I would be helping him. But now I see this in a different light. Maybe I would just be telling him to lift this burden and dump it on to someone else. I would never want to hurt him and telling him this secret definately would. Still, I see a problem - what if he finds out (somehow) and is angry at me for not telling him? I feel like this is a no win situation. Never have I regreted stupid decisions more than I do right now. If i could only go back and change things, be smarter and have the insight to know how this would affect me and possibly hurt the one I love so dearly. I am so sorry for what I did.

May 2, 2000
11:26 am
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hmm
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I don't see what you did as a "stupid decision". In fact, if you hadn't slept with other people (and never broke up to "sort things out"), you'd probably feel stuck in the relationship, and curious about whether there was anyone better for you out there. Now you know at least how much you care about him.

During your time apart, as long as you didn't outright lie to him, you did nothing wrong. And are you sure it would "crush" him if he found out? From my (male) perspective, I would actually take it as a compliment that my mate had "been around the block" and found me the most desirable. Men vary though. Some are more jealous/posessive than others.

Perhaps you can gauge what his reaction would be like by observing his behavior in other circumstances. Does he get jealous easily? Is he really posessive of you, or more interested in your well-being?

May 3, 2000
9:17 am
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Spirit
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If what you seek is forgiveness, then ask The Big Guy in the sky (Spirit) to forgive you, then forgive yourself. Should your boyfriend find out by "accident" then you deal with it in a mature manner. Either you fess up or, let him know that it had nothing to do with him.

As a single adult female you made a choice, based on the fact you were single, unattached, and free thinking. Don't second guess your decisions made back when, accept what was and then decide what will be.

Here's a question for you: Are you hoping that by telling him of your actions that he will "come clean" about his? As Hazza said, "Let sleeping dogs lie." May you find peace in your heart through understanding your motives.

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