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Should I stick in there or make him go?
September 17, 2001
7:44 am
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twinnyboys
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My husband is in emotional turmoil.

He "fell in love" with a girl from work (15 yrs younger)and although they ended it in April because of the guilt they felt, he has still continued to email her.

I found out about the affair mid August and since then we have been waiting to do some counselling.

When I found out he said he wouldn't contact her again. Last week I found a "slutty" email he had sent to her. I immediately asked him to go and he wouldn't. He said that he would stop contacting her and has sent an email telling her not to contact him.

He says until last week he hasn't wanted to stop contacting her (she's far away) and me making demands has made him more stubborn. He can't say why he's emailing her or why he's prepared to risk everything for the sake of an email?

My questions are how long can he sustain this and what if he gets the urge to email her again? and also how do I know that he didn't just send another email telling her he was doing this for my sake?

Do I try and work at it or am I really wasting my time? He says he loves me deeply but feels a lot for her.

Can men genuinely believe they are in love and become confused or should I just let him go and be with her? Is it just infatuation that in time will diminish?

I guess I feel in need of some reassurance from men/women that this has happened to.

The email reads something like this:(I've replaced names with "my wife")

"My feelings are going up and down very quickly at the
moment. I’m going to try to summarise how I feel, and
what I intend to do. I’m not trying to hurt you but I
think you might be disappointed by my conclusions. I
hope the following explanation makes some sense to you.

Basically, I now know that I have to decide for myself
what I want from a relationship. Otherwise I’m going
to lose everything. I have to decide (for everyone's
state of health!) who I want to be with long term. I
really do think a lot of you, and I’ve meant what I’ve
told you, but also I think a lot of my wife and the
children. I’m caught in a dilemma and I want to find away through it.

In order to achieve this, I need to go through a
process of understanding what's happened over the last
year, why it's happened and what are the consequences.
I think the best way to do this is to go through
counselling, ideally with my wife but if not on my own.

To make this process work I need to clear my mind of
everything else, and commit to the counselling process
100%. I also need to be honest with my wife and with you.
On balance, I think the best thing is if I have no
more contact with you. This hurts because I have had
very intense feelings for you. However I also have
very intense feelings for my wife, and the children, and
I owe it to everybody to see whether we can repair the
damage that the affair and its aftermath has done. I
need to give it the chance to work out and I need to commit to it totally.

I don’t know if you’re going to be travelling next
week or not – I guess not. In any case, I do not want
to meet you next week. I think it's best if I can step
away from you. I have to do this if I’m to work
through anything with my wife. It will be very difficult
but I need to do it for my own sake. I think it’s best
if I don’t speak to you or to e-mail you. Please don’t
try to contact me either. I really think this is for the best."

Sorry its so long but I would love to hear peoples views.

September 17, 2001
12:02 pm
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gingerleigh
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My first reaction is to cry BULLSHIT. But that's just me. Sorry, people who waffle back and forth between marriage and sweet young thang piss me off like nothing else, but that's just my own experiences and anger talking.

My advice would be to let him do exactly what he's requesting in the email. Let him figure out his stuff, and keep him away from you.

My question for you would be... do you feel like you could ever trust him again? He cheated on you emotionally. Then he promised to stop. He didn't. You asked him again. Then he sends some email like the one above saying that he has "intense feelings" for you and for her? Did I hear love in there anywhere?

Right now, he's got everything... an email affair that's new and exciting, and a safe stable marriage partner to come home to at night. Sounds like a pretty crappy deal for both you and the girl to be honest.

So your husband is in emotional turmoil. Big fat hairy deal, tell him I know where he can buy a glass belly button so that he can see in front of him while he has his head shoved up his butt.

What about you? Doesn't your turmoil mean anything?

September 17, 2001
12:58 pm
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Molly
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right on Gingerleigh, I guess its just part of some sort of evolutionary programming the WHAT ABOUT HIM SYNDROME. Get over it. Hard, but like asked what about you?
Trust is such a fragile thing, so spend the rest of your life with a few more things on your daily agenda, check his e-mail, check his web page history, check his cell phone, follow him, spot check his story, spot check his underwear, where is his lunch money really being spent, yada yada yada. Start drinking more, and smoking more because of stress and depression, shut down emotionally, pass depression on to your children, teach them what marriage is really all about, or....
Take a friggin stand for you and kick his ass out to the curb.

September 20, 2001
9:34 am
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pam g fu
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well i have been there and done that myself i have been going through a situation of always focusing on my husband and forgetting about. Your husband has chosen his path now you need to chose yours. If he does this once he will do it again. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. You are number one. Good luck.

September 25, 2001
11:30 pm
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suds
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You HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIM! take care of yourself! pam g fu is right...you deserve better and you deserve to be happy. You will go crazy figuring out and projecting things...the what if's. look in the NOW and think of what is best for you! nothing from the outside will make you genuinely happy. it is what's inside! the rest is just bonus.

September 26, 2001
8:42 am
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shades
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I would not believe a word he says! He is having everything he wants and you are letting him. I would try consouling to see why he needs to keep in contact with this girl...maybe she is giving him something you are not or can't. If that doesn't work...I know it will be hard but I would try to get on with my life. You may find after some time you don't need him so much after all.

September 26, 2001
10:41 am
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Ladeska
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Well, well, well.....isn't this just lovely? Breathe it in, one and all, fresh fertilizer spread all about! Ahhh.....yes.....sounds so good doesn't it? Almost makes one feel sorry for him, like Wow - he's doing the right thing here, what a man, what a guy! I'd give him husband and father medal of the year award. Makes me feel all warm and tingly, can imagine you might be feeling the same way over there, too, huh?

It really all boils down to - how much mileage in the trust department you've got left. Sure people can make mistakes, be genuinely sorry for them, move forward, put things behind them, figure it out and grow. Absolutely. And, all of nasty remarks aside here - yes, that could happen and if so more power to you and him for it. Children need both parents and people can find each other again. Crap happens and we are resilient beings.

If it were me, because of my own personal experience, I'd be hard pressed to believe a word he says. Then again, maybe he's just being brutally honest with everyone. Who knows? Only he really knows and you will eventually find out....

Torn between two lovers, feeling like fool, loving both of you is breaking all the rules...and so the song goes.. People do love their drama, don't they? Trouble is - he sought this out, allowed it happen, to continue and finds himself now in quite the dilemma. Well let him feel it. He deserves it. If you want to screw around - then get single, Dude and stop dragging everyone's heart around. If not, shit or get off the pot. Bottomline.

In my book, any man who can be led around by his other head, will usually have the one he needs to be thinking with straight up his butt when it comes to - treating anyone with respect, much less loving them. It's all about "pleasing himself". So, you consider that one - real hard here. If he is "this confused" - not a good sign. If he really loves you and the sanctity of marriage - he'd jump in the water and save it without batting an eyelash and skip all this b.s. about - I really meant what I said, have intense feelings about you b.s. What a friggin' martyr!! Will just endear her to him even more. What a sweet man to be sooo torn up like this, wanting to do the right thing, here he goes "giving it a try" and then hopping right back in bed with her at some point saying - honey, I gave it the old heave ho but just couldn't get you out of my mind! Yeah, yeah, heard all that crap before. whatever.

Think with your brain here and put your heart - in the attic. People who manipulate - count on you going with your feelings and not see their real flag waving at you. But, like I always say - counterfiet anything - can't keep it's glitter going forever. If it's b.s. - he will fold and go running back because - he is just sooo in love with her, etc., etc.

And if I'm wrong - then more power to you guys. I hope I am. Love to be proven wrong in cases like this. Gives me hope for mankind. But, these days, all I see is deception and manipulation instead of integrity, true grit and honor. Keep your eyes open, girlfriend and go see a lawyer, just in case. Be gentle as a dove and dumb like a fox.

September 26, 2001
9:43 pm
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suds
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the husband's email is a normal thing to say for married men who are in this predicament. I feel for the guy, that is if he is honest in writing that email. in the final analysis, the wife's future in the marriage will not hang on to whether her husband is sincere or not. If he would choose then he will have to live with that choice.it is also about being honest to one's self.as I've learned, Love is a decision. it's not just a feeling. if he really loves the other woman, he must keep this in mind. Your husband must dig deep inside and be honest with himself. His words which are-"i have to decide for myself what i really want in a realtionship" and "...get counseling...on my own"- these should be considered. I pray for you and for him...especially him. Twin, Take care of yourself.Do what is best for yourself.

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