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SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO...
February 15, 2003
3:00 pm
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I'VE BEEN IN A 5YR RELATIONSHIP AND I FEEL THAT I CHEATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE MY FIANCE CANNOT GIVE ME BACK THE FEELING OF NEED AND WANT THERE IS A VOID IN THAT NO VIBE I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF AND STILL NOTHING EVEN BOOKS SO NOW I'VE SOMEONE AND HE TOO IS ENGAGED BUT FROM THE FIRST TIME WE MET YOU COULD TELL THAT THERE IS AN ATTRACTION FROM THE LOOKS, TO THE TALKING, AND BODY LANGUAGE BIG TIME WE TALK EVERY SO OFTEN ON THE PHONE BUT NOTHING ELSE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE AND WHAT SHOULD I DO?

February 15, 2003
9:26 pm
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could it be the 5 year itch??? have you talked to him about it? Details...when did you realize this feeling? HOw long have you been feeling this way? In what ways does he not meet your needs?

February 16, 2003
10:15 pm
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Jadedragon- Thanks for your reply. I tell you, maybe it is the itch?? I hope it is or thats all it is....
Yes, I have talked to him about it and I've tried leaving twice but when he gets that sad look on his face I just cannot bring myself to do it..
Listen he is good man, person how ever we should say.... But I strongly feel that when you meet someone you should have that feeling of wanting to do more for yourself and that person, to show them off, and vice versa... I've had this feeling probably a year later after we dated or been seeing each other. I'm the kind of person if you say you need me I'll be there no problam at all....
But, there were times when I would ask him to do somthing for me it was as if I were pulling teeth out.... The best ones were when I would ask him to come and see me he would say (you live to far) thats my favorite one.. At that time I only lived about 15mins maybe 20mins away tops....... So, then I did the dummy move yes I moved in with him hoping that it would make things alot better.. wrong move I know.. That was 3 years ago and I've felt this way for 4 of our years together.. Well as far as the needs go I feel that I'm not asking for to much just for him to talk to me let me in he talks to me like I'm a stranger...you know the short answers you give when you don't want anyone to know your business........
Well thanks for letting me vent.. SS

February 17, 2003
12:35 am
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Sounds like you have your answer already...won't get much better unless he decides to take an INTERST in YOU....time to fish again...

February 17, 2003
9:24 am
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you must be honest with yourself. this is it,4 years already. he is who he is, you are who you are, the relationship is what it is, and always will be. i concluded that there are 3 choices 1) leave and go fishing, 2)acceptance,and no more expecting change, 3)keep butting your head against the wall. it really can be that simple.

February 17, 2003
9:57 am
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Jadedragon-
Thanks again I guess I just need my backbone back... Just afraid you know.... Anyway I like this how long has this been going on? Only because I got to get off my chest what has been bothering me for a looong time.. It's great......:)

February 17, 2003
10:00 am
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Molly,
Thanks, You know somtimes you just need a little feed back....
maybe I should just invest my time in a dog or cat now.. 🙂

February 17, 2003
2:06 pm
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Good luck soulsearching. Am/have been going thru similar thing. Hard to say but everyone is different. Seems like sometimes it takes someone new to open your eyes to what is lacking in current situation. But then you're a bitch if you leave for someone else -- bigger than if you just left. People like others to stay and pretend happiness. I wish you the best. If you ever feel alone go check out my thread. I have one on here and over on the codependent board. I hear you loud and clear if you want to visit I will sure listen. (Difference here -- my hubby is way nice -- makes things harder doesn't it?)

I think I have determined we get the roving eye because back in the day females had a better chance of larger families(more competition, more chances of conception if more mates) and more protected offspring if they mated with more than one male. Basically, the various males in the group would not kill offspring they thought might be theirs so if the females slept with more than one male the babies were protected by the males in case they were theirs. (Just something I read, I don't know...interesting theory though.) Also the females received more support (food,etc) that way. Sometimes I wonder if humans are meant to be monogamous. It's so DIFFICULT!!

February 17, 2003
3:01 pm
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Hey soulsearching... how old are you? Have you ever been out "on your own", not in a relationship? Perhaps you are just wondering what else is out there, asking yourself if this is all there is.

The most common advice out there (and I myself have both given it, taken it and in turn, ignored it) is to examine what you have and leave because it is or isn't what you want. Sometimes though, it's really hard to do that, hard to see what you have conditioned yourself not to. Sometimes the universe sends us these other "love interests" to shake us up, and tell us that maybe we are settling for a situation that isn't right for us. That's OK, but we need to recognize it for what it is, a wakeup call to motivate us to make changes in our lives, not necessarily the dreamy beckoning of "true love".

What do you think you should do? If you had a daughter, what would you advise her to do?

February 18, 2003
3:36 pm
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SIXFOOTBLOND-
Thanks for your info..No, I do not want to leave him for someone else only because I don't want that to happen to me... That is why I ask myself this question for the 4yrs of the relationship (I've felt out of touch in it)... I've tried to leave but as you say I don't want to be a bitch and leave for the wrong reasons and regret what I've done, because if I really stop and think about it this whole thing is pretty trivial...
I also don't want to sell the relationship short of what could happen you know... If I'm not happy he is not... I don't know.. Yes, he is waaay to nice.. nothing gets to him, and when I say nothing I mean nothing.. Believe me I've tried. Don't get me wrong I don't want a man to treat like cow po but at least tell me what I do that aggravates you I'm not perfect no one is.....
That's a pretty good little story interesting reading but I have to disagree we are going to have the (roving eye) as you say because we're human. It is our nature to find others attractive. You have to how else you would you want new clothes, a new car what ever your interest if you did not like it or should I say found it attractive.. But (always gotta have a but) I believe if the relationship is built on complete understanding of one another and we both want this relationship not just at the time of living together, marriage, or other reasons that may be.. Then, and only then do I belive that no other interesting objects can take us away from our strong relationship.. or misunderstandings.... you know...
Thank you for your words hope to hear read from you soon!:)ss

February 18, 2003
4:11 pm
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gingerleigh-
Hello, I'm only 29yrs old.. Yea, I know I sound like a biiig baby but I can't help it, Its what I'm feeling at the moment..
No, I have not had my own place but I've been away from since I was 18 yrs old... See, that's just the thing I want to find someone that just makes me want to have this burning desire to eat htem up you know and I don't feel that with this one... Only because I've lost it over the the time we've been together. Now, I know that the passion does die down alittle over a long period of time..
but over 4yrs come on he does not even try.. for, one when lived away from him and asked him to come see me.. nah you live to far you come over.. That's my favorite one and that happened often.. and of course I would go over because I saw no problem traveling 15mins away to see a person that I care so deeply about....And I want to believe that the universe is sending so called signs of what is out there...I'm trying to handle this the best way that I can without bad judgement on me and him.... And about the advise I would give my daughter is.. That, on matters of the heart it is hard to give advice because only you will be living with the choices you make but if you are unhappy then make your self happy.... What ever it takes always be happy...or at least try to be......
Thankyou hope to read from you soon!:)

February 18, 2003
6:02 pm
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15 minutes is too far??SAy WHAT??? I live Half the planet away, and it wasn't far enough!!!! Me thinks you oughta cool it with bubba who lacks the motivation for a while and see what happens...drift away a bit, be less available...and see what happends..If he doesn't pick up the slack....cut loose, CUz now you have your answer.

February 18, 2003
7:42 pm
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Hey SoulSearching, never thought you were a baby, by any means. I moved out of my parent's house at age 17, but was never only my own, truly, until I was 25. I either lived in the college dorms (yes, I was paying for it, but it's a little different, sort of like summer camp in a way, lots of people around you, someone will notice if you're lying with your head in the communal toilet, etc.) or I lived with whoever I was dating at the time. And even though I ended up paying at least my half or more, I still had someone there, in theory anyway, who would notice if I didn't get out of bed due to illness, or could spot me cash for the groceries that week if it was needed. I wasn't truly self-sufficient in my mind, I think I always felt like I wasn't ever really independent.

Hindsight is 20/20 for me, and I think that a lot of the frustration and roving eye that I had during those years was due in part to having a lust for being on my own, being truly independent, rather than wanting someone else besides my partner. But, I didn't know what to call it, and I didn't identify it correctly. I kept looking for someone else to "complete" me, without realizing that the completion I needed had to come from my own accomplishments and feelings of self-worth. That's my own experience though, that might not ring true for you.

So, you've described how this man was unwilling to be flexible and make sacrifices for you when you lived apart. Has that changed since you've been together? If that experiment didn't work for you, maybe you need to start back at square one, back to the known entity, and change a different variable to see if that helps things. Or, as Jade suggests, just cut loose.

I believe that in your heart you know what path you want to embark on, and are looking for validation. Validate yourself. What do you feel, deep inside, underneath the fear and uncertainty? If you weren't afraid of anything in the world, what would do you?

February 18, 2003
10:16 pm
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gingerleigh-
Hey there, Sounds like you and I have somethings in common... As far as the validation goes...and you know something you are right... My story is this, I'm a 29yr old highschool dropout because I became pregnant at age 18 and I had an abortion. To be totally honest I never really thought that it would have an effect on me but it has as far as myself worth goes. I mean maybe that's why I'm taking this. (the relationship that is)I feel that I don't deserve any better because of what I've done, and now when I try to move forward something from my past comes screaming at my face. I know what I need to do but I have no motivation...so in a way I'm stuck kinda, and no one to talk to because when I try to talk to my so called friends or family members they just don't want to listen, or seem interested...
So I have been taking my mind off him, and another thing he knows everything about me I mean everything school, baby the whole nine.. I have nothing to hide I have no regrets just hard experiences....
I've started going back to school and I'm almost done and that feels sooo good... Thank you for sharing and listening! :)SS

February 18, 2003
10:24 pm
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JADEDRAGON-
HEY!!
ME THINKS YOU'RE OK..
THANKS I AM GOING TO GIVE HIM ALL THE SPACE HE NEEDS...BUT THE HARD PART IS DOING IT, IT'S NOT MY NATURE TO BE THAT DISTANT DON'T GET ME WRONG I DON'T HAVE TO BE UP HIS YOU KNOW WHAT.. IT'S JUST NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE GIVE YOU THE FEELING OF BEING NEEDED AND WANTED.. YOU KNOW :)SS

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