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Should I send letter to my ex who is in prison? Attention Zinny if you are still out there....
April 3, 2007
12:47 am
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tmv1109
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Hi all,

I have been dealing with heartbreak steadily, for 3 years now. I was madly in love with a man, who turned out to be a drug addict and very violent. The moment he attacked me, I refused to ever speak to him or see him. I went to the police and found out he was on probation for drugs from another state and that he had two children that I did not know about. It was a long and hard fight just to get the protective order, and I was never contacted again regarding my case in court.
He has since been arrested in FL and is currently serving six years in prison for violating his probation.
I have gone from being scarred for my life, to moving out of state for some kind of comfort (thought he was going to kill me), to suffering from panic attacks, to finally feeling some relief. (Yet not completely.) I still love the man I thought he was and realize how sick he is. His family bailed him out everytime he got into trouble, never putting there foot down. I find comfort in knowing he is in prison, not for punishment, but for the fact that maybe he has a chance at getting well, off of drugs and maybe some kind of mental care.
I have never been angry at him, but I have always had my heart breaking wide open for him.........because I loved him (still do) and because he was so sick, and I never really knew......I knew at one point he was dealing with something, but I never knew what......I do now and I now know how horrible drugs are and talk to children about how dangerous drugs are and stay away.....always, with him, as if he were with me.....my heart wanting to scream for him and to let him know how much I love him and pray for him everyday and night.......I beg for the Lord to help him, to grant one miracle and make him OK, and grant him peace and wellness, give him a chance at happiness, not dependency on meth or crack......
I know how to reach his family and I want desperately to send him a letter, but I am somewhat scared. What if he comes after me, what if he is crazier than I thought......maybe he is nothing the person I think he is.......I want so desperately to tell him to grab this opportunity and never let go.....to use this time to get well and know this is his second chance at life......that God gave him this chance.....I want to tell him that I never meant to hurt him and I am sorry if he felt abandoned....but I needed to protect myself (an at the time our baby-which I lost and that he never knew about).....and he needed help, and no one was willing to help him, not even himself.....I want him to know he still has good in himself and that his life is not over....just a mess.....

Am I wrong to want to do this? I don't want him to write back (well, that's like saying I don't care how he is doing but I really do.....I really want to know he is going to be OK). I am NOT going to put a return address on my envelope of enclose any kind of email address to contact me.....

Is this OK, it feels right, but I am scared, what do you all think?

April 3, 2007
1:00 am
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mamacinnamon
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I am not Zinnie. I'm sure she'll come along and answer when she sees this, but I wanted to answer also if you don't mind.

You are a kind heart, are you not? You said..../"I want so desperately to tell him to grab this opportunity and never let go.....to use this time to get well and know this is his second chance at life......that God gave him this chance.....I want to tell him that I never meant to hurt him and I am sorry if he felt abandoned....but I needed to protect myself (an at the time our baby-which I lost and that he never knew about).....and he needed help, and no one was willing to help him, not even himself.....I want him to know he still has good in himself and that his life is not over....just a mess..... "

The part that stood out to me is this.... "I want him to know God gave him this chance.... "no one was willing to help him, not even himself.

I most certainly believe God gives us chance after chance, but I also believe God expects us to help ourselves. You said "no one ws willing to help him, not even himself. My thoughts here is that if he is unWilling to help himself then who else will. wHO will pick up the pieces when they fall? Who will patch up the old relationsihps.

I'm sorry, but if he is in jail there is a reason for tht. IF he has no contact w/ you now then run for the hills and don't look back. Very very few change; ever.

April 3, 2007
1:10 am
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tmv1109
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Hello, and thank you mamacinnamon....It's late, and I didn't expect to hear from anyone tonight, but I am glad to hear from you.........

Yes, he is the only one who can help himself, that is true.....but how can a person who is addicted to meth, or crack, get help? They can't even think straight......all they can do, is smell, and taste, and feel the drug.....they can't think about anything else really.......I say no one would help him, or cared enough about him, because I found out after I went to the police, that all his "good friends" or "brothers", were also addicts themselves.......it sickens me to know, I was living with those people.......cooking for them, helping them or there children or animals or land.......all along, I thought they were good people, good men/women, former rodeo pro's......and they all, (with the exception of one man) were addicts.....I don't know how to find closure with this I guess.......why can't I stop loving him......I don't EVER want to be with him because I would always be too terrified that he would hurt me.......I don't want to even talk.........I just want him to get well, it kills me to know if he doesn't, he will die, young.......there is a beautiful side to him, the one I saw, the one I fell in love with.......I can almost guess the time he started using again when I look back, that was when the mood swings came and the weight dropped, and he wasn't as beatiful as he once was.........it's as if he was broken inside, a dead heart crying for love........

I just don't know.......your advice is wise......I have been trying to run to those hills for 3 years.......1300 miles away and it still isn't enough to kill that feeling......ugh........you are wise.....I think I am just trying to find closure..........

April 3, 2007
1:20 am
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mamacinnamon
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Honey, I am not wise. I have been married to a pothead for 15 years this comin May. That makes me in the same boat as you other than my hubby has tried gettin back on that wagon every time he has fallen off. I think clean now for 4 years. (I am terrible w/ time).

I also have a 21 year old son, addict, that we recently brought back fromn Louisiana and put him thru rehab. We took our savings and took a chance and he went back to drugs. He has been on the wagon again 1 month, 1 week, x no. of days. But to get him to where he wanted to change I had to cut him off. It most certainly was a very hard thing to do. To tell your son you will love him w/ all your heart and you will back him morally, but if he uses drugs he is to not ever ask me for any money or a place to stay. I will support him morally, but that is it.

tmv... I pray he will want to change, but it MUST be his own desire or he will just go back to it.

Wise? NO... just another woman who loves her men too.

April 3, 2007
1:30 am
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tmv1109
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Thanks mamacinnamon...............you do understand........how do you keep you heart from breaking? I see him, in my memories and my heart wants to jump out of my chest and just scream......it hurts so much to love someone who is so very sick......I hate that I had to walk away without even being able to talk to him about it....but I had no choice......I had to protect myself and our baby......I honestly don't know if I will ever love like that again......I pray he will want to get help....that he will see the light......

I hope all stays well with your boys.....4 yrs is a long time for them....I'm really happy for your husband.....everyday is a struggle I bet and he must be pretty strong to fight off the temptation......sounds like your son is on the right track....he is lucky to have you......

April 3, 2007
4:47 am
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mamacinnamon
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tmv:

lol, lucky to have me... that you would have to ask them. Usually they tell me what a hard a** I am. But they know where I stand and that I do follow thru.

Here's the sad thing. Last time I told my hubby, "one more time and YOU are out". Well, best I know he's bein honest w/ me, but you I am sure know how hard it is to trust a man that is a liar. We had discussed all, everything, before we married and yet he felt ok to lie to me then. I will say I don't think I have ever gotten over the hurt of that lie. I think coz his decision ruined, or at least made my life so very hard. Specially after the first marriage of 12 years bein so awful.

I have always said "If I could only get that I don't give a sh** attitude then I could handle living like this. But for some reason I just cannot get it. Honestly, if I were able to support myself and my daughter then I know we'd have gone a time or two, this last winter bein the last. No, not coz of his smokin, cox he's been clean of that for 4 years. But because of his lack of wanting to be a dad and hubby. He has his own agenda now and I am left at home all the time. He has anger issues also. That really has nothin to do w/ this tho. But, I am getting my ducks in a fow and then if we need to go we will be able too.

I know how torn you feel. I have felt that too when we did slit for awhile one time when he refused to get off the drugs. Me and my 3 kids walked. Obviously we went back, but not until after some major counseling and me seein his change. But ya know even w/ that he has fallen again and again.

tmv: I know this is a hard and painful time for you, but if you can stay gone then do. Your life will be so much better off. Now if he were to take major counseling for like a year and then couples counseling for a long time then that might be different. But most folks like this don't want to put forth the effort. I am very sorry to say so.

You hang in there.

April 3, 2007
8:33 am
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Robert123
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tmv you have a bond with this guy...not a relationship. The feelings will pass and change as you heal. If you are away from him now count your blessings and keep moving away. Contacting him will put you back where you were. Aren't you deserving of more?

April 3, 2007
9:48 am
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atalose
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I agree with Robert123, it's not a relationship its a kind of bond. You sound like you are in love with this mans potential, a potential you are creating in your thoughts and memories. At one time you saw a man who was not addicted to drugs and had some good qualities. The fact remains those good qualities went away with the increased drug use. You want him to get help so he can become the man you've turned him into in your thoughts.
Look at his history, sent to prison for violating his parole, what was he arrested for to have gotten parole? What is his jail time history?
Three years is a long time to be holding onto someone who isn't even present in your life anymore.
I think you need some counseling and help in why you are still holding onto this man after such a long time and why you are thinking of even getting in touch with him again via sending him a letter.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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