Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Should I leave him?
December 7, 2001
11:05 am
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Was married for 23 years and then he hit me with a divorce. Met another guy 1 1/2 years ago. We had loads of fun. Always doing something, didn't spend a lot of money either. I don't need lots of money to have fun. Then grand child came along. Daughter, her husband and kid moved about 1 1/2hr drive from where we live. Him and I hardly do anything anymore because he's always tired when he comes home from work. But he's not too tired to drive 3 hrs. round trip after work to see his grand son and daughter. He splits up the weekend. Saturday is my turn, Sunday is their turn. I have no problem with loving kids and grand kids but this, to me is not normal. He almost freaks out if he doesn't talk to his daughter at least every other day on the phone. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I'm 47 and not bad looking he's 45. I'm too young to sit back in my rocking chair and play grandma which is basically what it boils down to.

December 7, 2001
11:15 am
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Not clear on who's who here. Where does the guy you met 1-1/2 years ago come in? Is he the one with grandchildren? What does the divorce have to do with it?

December 7, 2001
11:24 am
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was very hurt when my ex left me after 23 years. When I met my current boyfriend he really helped me get over the divorce, at first anyways. Yes, my boyfriend has the grandchild.

December 7, 2001
11:40 am
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So, boyfriend is too tired to go with you, but not too tired to drive to see his grandchild? Doesn't sound too abnormal to me per se... However, it may be that he is sending you a message: to accept the change in his new schedule, or not see him at all. That's my take on it anyway. Have you considered seeing someone else? Is he the sole source of companionship for you? Do you go out with girlfriends?

December 7, 2001
11:47 am
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, I guess he's been sending me many messages then and I need to take heed. Before he met me he went to visit his brother and family out of state every year between xmas and new year. If he really loves me as much as he says, you would think he'd spend new years' eve w/me. No dice. You can come with me, he says, but I do this every year and it's not going to change. Note also, he has actually asked me several times to marry him. How can I? I guess I sound selfish.

December 7, 2001
12:28 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hmm. Very interesting. This sounds also like a test of how much you're willing to give. If you marry him, does he understand it means giving up (or sharing) at least one-half of the time spent with his family, to make room for your family? You need to let him know you're not going to be a push-over for him or anybody else. He's testing you. It's time to draw the line. Is he the kind that will talk or discuss an issue to compromise?

December 7, 2001
1:24 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

His family sounds like they come first and always will be first, that is comming across real clear. You will always be second third, or ....
If that is what you are willing to deal with, but heck at 47, you still can shop around, personally, I think there is a need for balance, but being number one, is what I want, and would be willing to commit to, you sound more like a security blanket, than a mate.

December 7, 2001
1:25 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I always like to suggest to women our age with these questions, if your daughter presented you with this question, what would you advise her to do?

December 7, 2001
1:30 pm
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He absolutely does not want to compromise. His answer is "so what" if I leave over the holidays. You can come with me. Well, my divorce left me broke, ex took everything I had, and I gave it to him willingly (stupid me) and now I'm trying to get back to where I was financially. Anyways, my boyfriend makes twice as much as I do. Last year when he went out of state he asked me to come with him, then he wanted me to pitch in with gas money (which is fine if I had the money) but I didn't have it and he knew it. So I stayed home because I felt foolish not being able to help w/ money. So, he went alone. Funny, he then didn't need help with gas money. Oh, and yes, Molly, that's how I feel. Security blanket. He loves my cooking and keeps telling me that I'm the best. He also tells me it would devestate his parents if I left him. His exact words were "You can't leave me now because it would really hurt my parents". And yes, I was #.... whatever in my former marriage and I don't want to and shouldn't have to go thru that again.

December 7, 2001
1:33 pm
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, Molly, I would ask her if she's happy. If not, then she needs to make a change. I know that's what I need to do and I'm planning on moving out when he is in Texas. I'm really a "chicken" and a softy and I know if I would wait until he gets back I couldn't leave, even knowing that it is the best.

December 7, 2001
2:27 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Don't be scared... You'll be so proud of yourself! You can do so much better. You need to move on with your new and better life, girlfriend! He's being a jerk. Don't worry, you'll find someone who treats you better.

December 7, 2001
2:48 pm
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for the support.He treated me really good at first. I thought I hit the jackpot. Then he started to take me for granted and my problem is I get attached really easy.

December 7, 2001
3:21 pm
Avatar
deshong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Elv,
Please be reassured that you are not being selfish, just reasonable. It is not too much to ask that a man who has proposed to you want to spend as much time with you as possible.

He acts married to his family and he can stay there without you. Do not lower you standards because of money. You will be miserable if you settle for less because he will not change. He is actually telling you that you are not worth the sacrifice and him changing or compromising his plans. That is not love!!

Move on to a man who will be able to shower you with the love and attention you want and deserve. You are well worth it!!!!

December 7, 2001
3:29 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know what you mean. I have a tender heart, and am very trusting. I attach very well. We just need to find men who are capable of that kind of love in return. Some don't have a clue...

January 11, 2002
12:39 pm
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Haven't been on here for a while. I left boyfriend New Years' Eve because he was in Texas while I was alone at home since I don't really have friends. Reason for that is that I didn't grow up here and it's hard for me to make friends. I need your help in gettin over this (him). He still didn't get the message. Family is always first, I guess I was just somebody to take care of him. I'm sooooo depressed and just want to crawl into a hole and die. HEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!

January 11, 2002
12:56 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know... maybe get in his face and tell him what you need, that is if you are still with him. Are you?

January 11, 2002
1:48 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yee haw------ another one of us 40 somethings, got a year on you both, and you are free..................
What the hell are you fretting about, what are you holding on to, the opportunity to be left alone some more? Common girl friend, you don't have to do his laundry, you don't have to cook, you don't have to check in, you don't have to baby sit him, or any one of his, you don't have to deal with any one but you. You can go where you want, when you want, move where you know people, CELEBRATE.
Ok, so there is a void, but didn't you leave because you had a void ? What did you loose, please share ? You know his kids were not going to push his wheel chair, or wipe his ass when he got old, those are the things your gonna miss! Its not like you would have inherited his estate, you know where that would go, so please tell me your saddness, so we can kick you in the butt, get you angry enough so you don't cry any more. He is a big butt head.

January 11, 2002
2:08 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yay Mols! A big butt head indeed.

ELV, of course you are depressed, and that's natural, but the only way to get out of it is to focus all that energy that you were wasting on him and worrying about him and putting the focus back on you.

Wanna try out the 21 Day Plan? It doesn't work for family members, but works for relationships... 21 days, not contact with the ex at all, and every time you want to call him or talk to him to yell or beg, go do something nice for yourself, go work out, learn a musical instrument, read a book, etc...

What do you think?

January 11, 2002
2:14 pm
Avatar
syqg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Does he love you? Honestly does he? After you answer that ask yourself do you love him? Now IF both answers are yes...........well JOIN him in his happiness to have his daughter near by and grandchild. JOIN him in trips if you can. Invite them over. We women always complain about the men these days not spending enough time with children or grandchildren. He seems to be excited and it might be all too new to him right now.He (if you answered YES)loves you in a different way I'm sure. We all need that special someone AND family, children. Join in alittle you might find great joy and peace when you do. It's only normal of you to have some jealousy there, I would too. But admit it if that is what it is. I bet after you join these visits for awhile and invite them over some with time(because time has a way of doing this)things will get back to the norm a bit. Maybe a few weeks of just you and him again I'm sure. If you love him, don't make him choose you or daughter and grandchild, because if he's a good man and a true man his family will win that one for sure, as they should, as you stated you are not married and only dating 2 or 3 yrs now. That may hurt you, I'm not trying to but if he's any father or grandfather he'd have to choose them. I would too. I think most people will if it's put to that. Don't make yourself be that person that makes someone have to make such a hard choice because you won't be happy with yourself in the end. I hope it works out for you. Give it time. Give some of yourself to it and try to put an effort in joining in. Life might surprise you with a new young woman and child in your life.

January 15, 2002
10:50 am
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, I went and got my car keys from him yesterday and wanted to talk to him. He told me that nothing will change. So, I guess "I love you so much and I wouldn't know what to do w/o you" was just a phrase to keep me hanging. When I told him he would never have a good relationship w/ anyone he got nasty. Even threatened to call the cops if I didn't leave right now. TRUE LOVE, HUH? I didn't yell or anything, just talking like a normal person. I guess the truth hurts. As soon as I started to talk he told me to go back home. I feel better today because now I know he was never serious. It still hurts but I'm sure I'll get over it.

January 15, 2002
11:17 am
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sorry ELV you had to find out something that hurt. But, you know the truth is better than a lie. I know how you feel.

January 15, 2002
11:34 am
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

*hug* out to you ELV. I know that it hurts. It will be OK, really it will. Wasn't it a powerful feeling though to see him lose it while you were standing there just talking like a rational person? Your words, whatever you said, hit too close to some fundamental truth in him, and he lashed out. Danger danger danger Will Robinson. Stay away, he's got a lot of crap to figure out that you don't need to be involved in.

January 15, 2002
11:54 am
Avatar
ELV
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for the "uplift". I just can't believe that someone can be so nice and yet have such a mean side to him. As soon as I mentioned his daughter and grandson (telling him that he never mentions his son-in-law who should be part of the family) he blew up.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
43
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110990
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38562
Posts: 714273
Newest Members:
Slizzeringod1, Slizzeringod, texas321, lasserfelt, Gosia88, Hollynluna87
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information