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Should I just let him go...
April 23, 2007
4:10 pm
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Anonymous
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I wrote a few weeks ago, new here - confused beyond belief, and thank you all for the reponses and support.

My conversations with my guy just seem to go in circles as we decide should be take a break, just move on or stay together. My issues with him is I do not feel loved or secure as he still does not say I love you (3 1/2 years) and I do not feel the love even though i know he cares about me...he said he is fond of me. He trys to help me/give advce with my decisions on my work, business & home...just take action, smart risks, and just do it. He runs a very successful business but money runs him and said he wants someone in his life that is not afraid to invest, takes smart risks and pay their own way.

We get along very good but have had many issues on his lack of committment that I just let go. He tells me he is committed 100% and I believe he expresses his love the best he knows how.

I saw emails of him flirting as if he were single. He has told me he flirts and takes it no further, he does not cheat. He told me he would not email girls the way he use to, "done, he wont do it anymore" as he was writing he was single just to flirt he said. Anyways, I feel so torn and I know with my codependance that I look the other way so many times that I question myself now if I should believe him or am I ok with someone not saying I love you? he asked, if I said I love you would that change things?

We both have a lot of things to take care of in our own lives and when we are together, we seem to just go on as if all is perfect.

I need to get out of this cycle and do not know why I cant just say, I need to know the man I share my life with is in love with me ...we need to go our own ways. Is this enough to end a relationship or am I being to sensitive?

I know I have to accept him AS IS if I stay with him. He said he does not want to settle and that we have 95% perfection on our lives together but he wants 100%. I feel like he is saying I am not good enough.

Thanks for listening.

April 23, 2007
4:38 pm
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fantas
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Blueeyedgirl, I have come to believe through my own experience that you should believe what the man is telling you about himself and not rationalize it. He will only say I love you to a 100% and you are a 95. Are going to try and work the other 5% or are you going to honor yourself as you are and let him go? Itsn't that he doesn't love you, it's just that he doesn't love you enough...so he is keeping you until he gets a better one. What do you think?

April 23, 2007
4:53 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks Fantas, You are right but I always try to justify that he has not said I love you, not to me or to any past girlfriends either. He has told me he has intimacy & commitment issues and I am not the first to bring this up. He agress he need to work on this but in the mean time I am feeling like I am not good enough for him which is not a good thing for any relationship.

Appreciate the thoughts and you are right on saying until a better one comes along. I think that is why he flirts, just keeping the door open, He has always said that he is keeping in touch with all the old girlfriends, they were part of his life and why would he stop that friendship. He said he would always want to stay friends with me also if we dont work out.

April 23, 2007
7:38 pm
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taj64
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You asked the question, should I let him go? If you have to ask the question then likely that is the answer to let go. If it was as simple as that you would not have to ask. Personally you should let go. This will not work out. A good relationship works out whether together or not. Take a break and then see what happens.

April 23, 2007
7:41 pm
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soprano2
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And if you need 100%, then 95% will never be enough for you. And you need to realize that this fact is never going to change. Do you believe that you deserve 100%?

You should.

April 23, 2007
7:45 pm
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balancesekr
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hi blueeyed,

In a way your bf is doing you a favor being so blunt about 95% perfection, flirting and paying your own way. He sounds a little bit cold to me.

I know it is so difficult to figure out what we want, we are willing to take crumbs and put ourselves in situations that dont feel right.

I know what you mean about being together like nothing is wrong meanwhile you have so much going on in your lives. I don't have the answers but I would recommend going to some CODA meetings and possibly going to a therapist to work on your fears.

b

April 23, 2007
8:14 pm
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Anonymous
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Wow, this is so helpful as I am getting ready to end this relationship. I guess I should look at this as he is doing me a favor, he is being honest and you are right, he can be cold at times, many times. I do deserve a guy that can express how he loves me and be ok that I am not 100% perfect.

His last comment about us "taking a 3 month break" was, he would still like to date me during this time while we both work on our issues but if I don't want to see him during this time, he said "there will be someone else in his life" I thought that was rude but I don't expect him to wait around either. He can be so insensitive at times.

I will look into CODA meetings.

Thanks again.

April 23, 2007
8:17 pm
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soprano2
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By him saying that, it leads me to believe that there might already be someone else that he has in mind.

And yes, you do deserve a guy that can express himself when it comes to you. Even when you are not perfect, like you said.

Good for you for taking this step. Let us know what happens if you would like to talk about it.

April 26, 2007
2:18 am
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fantas
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Blue...how are you doing now?

April 27, 2007
4:44 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi fantas,

thanks for asking. I am working on the strength to let him go. I do not know why I cant just say good bye. My friends say this behavior is so inconsiderate. I know he is who he is and I need more than he can give. Here is what I am thinking of saying to him..

you have been honest with me about how you feel about me (fond of me but no I love you after 3 1/2 years) & what you want in life or not knowing what you want in life and now I need to be honest with myself & I know I need to be with someone who is in love with me, expresses this feeling and wants a life together.

Anyways, I am trying to listen to my heart instead of my head.

May 2, 2007
11:17 am
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_anonymous
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You dont need to explaine anything to him. Move on, let your feet do the talking. How can U let go of something you dont have? All this guy is interested in is what he does or does not want. You never have and you never will exist in his mind. The way you begin is the way you will end. The message you gave to him from the day you met him was that what he was doing was OK. He doesnt care about your feelings. It doesnt matter what you do or dont say. It wont change a thing. You cant fix it. The only person u have control over is yourself.

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