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Should I just be his friend?
April 20, 2007
7:14 pm
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3rdxsacharm
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September 24, 2010
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I need to start off by explaining my situation before I get to my questions so that way all of you will have some understanding to my problem.

I’m going through a divorce, my husband asked for one in August and it took me up until the middle of September to realize that it was really going to happen. I started off playing the field just going out and having a good time because I didn’t want to get committed again to anyone! It was fun for awhile, a new guy every couple of days until I realized that I was using sex to cover up my pain from loosing another relationship that I had worked so hard at. Well, at the end of November I met this guy online from another state and we started talking everyday for 3-6 hours a day. We ended up having a lot in common and he really helped me through some very difficult times. He told me he was married but getting a legal separation and eventually a divorce. I had no problem with this since we were just talking as friends and supporting each other through hard times. This carried on for 7 weeks until he got stationed here with the military at which time we finally did meet in person. At first I think we both were thinking that we would just comfort each other, to fill the void that we were both having. But after about 6 weeks of seeing each other 2-3 times a week feelings formed between the two of us. When he went home on vacation to visit his daughters in March he found out that his wife had not filed the divorce papers, that he had already signed, like she said she had and he promised that he would take care of it once he returned back here. Since he’s been back though the military has placed him in an inpatient alcohol rehab center, he was drinking in excess without my knowledge, and just last night his wife has finally decided that she was going to file for the divorce. I now have all the paper work for my divorce and will be taking it to the court house next week to end my almost year long drawn out battle with my soon to be ex- husband and my now boyfriend is just starting the process for his divorce.
I feel that I have already gone through the rebound relationships with the many short-term sexcapades that I had. My boyfriend on the other hand hasn’t had the opportunity that I have since his decision to divorce. I don’t want to be his rebound relationship because I have fallen in love with him and don’t want to have my heart broke again. I know he cares about me an awful lot and he tells me that he’s on the road to falling in love with me. I will admit, I do have the turn and run syndrome whenever I feel things are not going good. I have tried to push him away 4 separate times in the 5 months that we’ve known each other. But every time that I do, he helps me realize what I’m doing and that we will make it through the hard time together…which we do.

Here’s my question:

Is it a good idea for me to pull away as his lover and just remain his friend until I feel he’s ready for our relationship again? Or should I listen to him and carry on with things the way they are and take it day-by-day?

Thanks everyone once again for all of your advice!

April 21, 2007
6:35 am
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alycia
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I read your story and it sounds a little fishy but then everything sounds dicey to me nowadays after having been betrayed.

I would be weary of a man who is wooing you via the net or any other source that is still married, i think there is nothing worse than a married man crying about his unhappiness to a new woman even thru the net...

I worry about him not telling you about the severity of his alchol dependancy, it must be bad if the military are putting him in rehab, this is not a guy who has a beer or two after work, this is serious business.

If i were you i would just be very very careful and try to take it as slow as you can, he is just coming out of a marriage, literally just walked out the door from it and you have reason to be worried.

I imagine his drinking played a 95 percent role in the breakdown of it, Noone can answer your question but merely advise and i think with all that he is going thru then you should back off a little bit.

I really believe in the saying i found on here, 'what starts wrong ends wrong'...... Its so very true i am afraid and your story started wrong, he was married for a start...

I am sorry if i have said nothing that you wish to hear, i just have been there, done that so to speak and i dont want you there either.

My only advice is give it a big think and tread carefully.... at the end of the day there is nothing to say it cant work, sometimes its all about luck i think... so i wish you lots of it......

April 21, 2007
2:15 pm
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doubleloss
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hi 3rd. from where I'm sitting, the way you describe this relationship is a parade of red flags. His problems w/ alcohol is a major flag, as we recover from codependency i've come to understand that I CAN"T do anything to change/help a person with an addiction. All that is their own problem and their hard work to recover. You mentioned that you've tried to distance yourself from him 4x in 5 months. The attention and feelings can be intoxicating though. There is a tread here about Red Flags. I think from my own experience short flings don't count as rebound relationships. AS well, frome xperience recovering from a divorce takes way longer than I would have liked. Trust your gut and really take care of yourself. All the best!

April 21, 2007
8:59 pm
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fantas
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Hi 3rd, I agree with Alycia and doubleloss. I think this guy just doesn't like being a lone. He is using to keep from feeling the loss. If he is in rehab for anything, they recommend a year before getting in a relationship. So he is not even near that. Take care of yourself and allow him to take care of himself. Even as his friend make sure he is not just looking for another caretaker now that his wife is gone. All the best.

April 21, 2007
10:47 pm
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danielle7373
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I agree with all of the previous replies. I strongly agree with the suggestion of taking care of yourself first.

It sounds like you've made huge steps in filing for your divorce, so I would work on healthy behaviors. You say you've already been through rebound relationships... and this is most likely a rebound relationship for him.

I would take a clean break from him and take time for yourself to heal from your divorce. If it's meant to be, it will happen in time. He'll be a healthy person, and you'll see that without these doubts you're having. People's intuitions are usually pretty correct - I think.

Good luck and you deserve much better than to be someone's rebound or to be used because he doesn't want to be alone!!

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