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Should I have called?
November 6, 2004
6:38 am
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cityflyer
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It was my ex´s birthday the other day, and I spent many hours beforehand thinking over whether I should contact her, one way or another, to wish her happy birthday.......

In the end I didn´t. I just felt what was the point, after a month of no contact, with the last call being very negative, insulting, etc. Contacting her, although I thought of her on her bday, just had no consistency, no logic. Almost like, we haven´t spoken for a month but you call me on my bday............for what!

I am confused. I still have very strong feelings for her and think maybe I was inhuman or thoughtless not to contact her on her bday.

Also she still has some of her clothes, etc in my appt. I was thinking about mailing them on to her. I have checked out the prices. Rather than her coming to collect them.

The last call, a month ago, was not good. I tried talking on a general level and about how she was progressing, but she passed me very neg vibes, insults (you have no personality/character, etc), a lot of anger.
Still very emotional, but I can understand that. I just want her to put aside for one moment the emotion and see the woods from the trees and see what went wrong, understand me, and most of all, SEE HER VULNERALBILITY, INSECURITIES and how they have mixed with mine in a dependant relationship.

Lots of love to you all

City

November 6, 2004
11:13 am
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blujay
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City-
My opinion is that it's probably best that you didn't call. If contact is going to be made between ex's, the best thing is time. Learn and grow from the relationship and then move on. When your both past those intense emotions, that's when contact, if it's going to be made, should be made.
If you feel bad about not contacting her on her birthday, then I'd send a card. You can get out what you want to say, without the insults and hurt flying back at ya. But time, in my experience, is always best when dealing with ex's.
Hope this helps!
-blu

November 6, 2004
12:22 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi City: I think you did the right thing. From my own experience, my ex and I have the same birthday. Imagine that. He broke up with me the last time a month before our birthday and had a new gf immediately. I had bought tickets for a concert thinking if we were still together it would be fun to celebrate our bdays together. Well that didn't happen so i invited a friend to the concert and we had fun. When I got home there was an e-mail from the ex and I was pissed. I waited until the next day and e-mailed him back and I was nasty. How dare he send bday wishes when he broke my heart and was screwing someone else.

Everyone now and then comes on this site w/ the same question whether or not to call on a bday. I guess it depends on what the status of the relationship is and how it ended. Myself, i just wanted to not hurt anyomore and hearing from him didn't help. Especially when I knew he really didn't care.

If you think its over, I would send her clothes back to her. Instead of holding them hostage as a reason to have some contact. Depends on what you're waiting for. Its just symbolic to something else. Hope this helps. SD

November 6, 2004
12:26 pm
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Freya
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Hey City! Great to hear from you!!! Wise choice not to call. I bet it was a really difficult day for you. I went through that on October 5th- his b-day. I spent the day with butterflies in my gut mentally debating "to call or not to call". I didn't and the next day I was so relieved. You are right, it would have served no purpose and it would have pulled away a months worth of healing. Stay focussed on you. Hope you are well. Freya.

November 6, 2004
4:57 pm
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cityflyer
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Blujay: I was thinking along your way of thinking when i made the decision. the last call was very emotional, i mean, lot of emotional warfare more like, anger, hate, vilification, insult, real emotional stuff...i could feel it in her voice. don´t get me wrong, i have not turned into a cold hearted ice man, but i am learning to apart the emotions from reasoning....I have to....if I am to progress. she, unfortunately, was still on the emotional warpath, passive and not progressing. I do love her, but there is no sense in a relationship as it is......emotional immaturity as I call it. I have seen it in both of us. I told her in the last call we both need to work on our problems separately, we can´t expect the other to do it for us, but I did say I loved her.......and I do. But being together in this way is too much pain and senseless. Thanks for your words Blu.

sd: that was trully nasty of your ex. i don´t understand how anyone can jump in and out of relationships like that. you are better without him, however painful it has been.

Send the clothes back of I think it´s over???I hate the word over......I see it as not existing, possible....and hey....she needs these clothes to wear...they are winter clothes, however symbolic they may be. she will NEED them. right?

Freya: great to hear from you. I am ok. playing guitar lots, meeting up with people (friends/acquaintances), doing some volunteer work for the homeless, sports, no smoking, trying to start a healthy, positive path. it´s not easy, and I do appreciate you listening and your thoughts and opinions. as i said, great to see your posting. take care my dear!

lisset: you´re right there but it´s a tough one to call, always. I went with my head not my heart this time.....first time I think!

November 6, 2004
5:20 pm
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CANSADAdeTODO
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I am so glad you did not call , believe me !!! because I did make that mistake, and i called my ex on his bday and it was like letting him know he still had control over me and yeah it sure did let him know he still had a door open ! and believe me everytime there is an argument the fact that i was the one that contacted him always arises!
DONT DO IT ! don't call
for your own good, this is my experiance talking
good luck

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