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Should I give up?
February 13, 2000
9:18 pm
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Jaytong
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I got a question...well, this seems not a big deal compare with those I seen from this webpage........but I feel very
depressed. I know a guy for years, but we were not very close friends. He had a girlfriend for 3 yrs, but they finally broke up. 6 months later we started to get closer and closer, and then we started our relationship. We were very happy with each other, however, one month after we started, he suddenly told me that somehow his ex-girlfriend is still in his heart, he felt that this is unfair to me....I was very upset and left him. But later, he came back to me, telling me that he didn't mean to break up with me, he just wanted to tell me his problem, he does want to be with me, and asked me to give him time. As I want to be with him, I gave him the time. Then, we were back to normal, like before, we had very happy time. However, after Christmas, he became very "fluctuating". I noticed that he was unhappy, I asked what's the problem; but he didn't want to tell, he just discussed some "side" problems.......I asked if he really want to be with me. He reassured me twice that he want to be with me and he want me to think the same too. So, I thought I should trust him. I've tried many things to make him happy, because I think, as his lover, I should do sth to relieve his unhappiness. However, his mood didn't improve no matter how hard I tried. 3 weeks ago, when I was talking to him on the phone, I noticed that he was still very unhappy, I think I should deal with his problem directly. So, I asked him why he is so unhappy, he asked me, what do I think. I said, he was thinking if he really love me or not. Then, he's like collapsed........He started to say many many things......and he finally said he wants to give up......I was very sad....I can't help crying.....he kept talking and said many things.... I hung up because I can't listen to him anymore......but after that I was very depressed....and there are still many questions that I don't understand, but I
dare not to call him, I called his best friend instead, because he told me that his best friend is the only one who knows our problems the best. His friend said, he has many problems in his mind. He can't let go his first relationship (she is his first girlfriend & he didn't know why they have to break up); at the same time, he falls in love with me, but in his mind, this is unfair to me as I am good to him, and he's the only person in my heart (he's my first boyfriend) while he's not. I don't know......after the last conversation with him, I miss him so much.....I was very sad, I can't sleep and eat well...can't concentrate on work, and I feel like I have no energy to do anything.....I know this is bad, so I forced
myself to eat even I don't really want to eat.......then I keep talking to my friends....but still I miss him very much
........I think of him every minute.....I know I shouldn't do this but I can't let go of him.....I still want to be with him no
matter what happens..........but in the meantime, there's nothing I can do, I am not a guy. I can't, say, keep after him, there's nothing I can do........I feel very confused......The rational "me" told me what to do; but the other "me" don't want to forget about him......I feel very bad...I always think that it is not easy for anyone getting close and being together, that's why we treasure our time very much.....I really want to do something so that we can be together.......but all I know is if I just keep thinking of him, I will be mad....I really need some advice....would you please kindly give me a direction?

February 14, 2000
9:55 am
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Cici
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Breaksups are always difficult. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to understand themselves. You can't make this man know what he wants. Only he can decide that. And so far, you are not in the picture.

Move on. Take some time to yourself. Write in a journal. Take a trip with friends. Go out. Do something new. I had a very ugly break up last summer, one that invovled my ex best friend of 10 years sleeping with my boyfriend, my parents and blackmail. After three months of concentrating on me having fun, I looked up and realized that I no longer wanted the man I had pined for. Go find yourself. Find out who you are and what you want to be. God knows, if I was still with my first boyfriend I would be very depressed indeed.

February 20, 2000
2:36 am
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Jaytong
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Cici,

Thanks for your response. u'r right that I should go and find myself.....
I had sent him an e-mail and he replied sincerely that he decided not to think about the problem at the moment. I accepted his decision, 'coz I believe that if he doesn't care, he won't even bother replying and felt "being not good enough to me". I trust he will got the answer. In the mean time, I'll just relax and do things that I want to do.

Jay

February 20, 2000
5:31 am
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lost soul
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Jaytong, you are doing the right thing!give him & yourself some time.
Have some fun while you're young.(healthy one of course)

February 20, 2000
7:13 am
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Jaytong
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lost soul,

Many thks for your encouragement.....I can't go thro' this without all my friends' support.

On the other hand, this "cool off" period will probable take a very long time. 1/2 a year or even longer......so I got to keep myself happy and be patient.

February 20, 2000
9:05 am
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lost soul
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Hi, I have confident in you from the way you express yourself. Keep up your good spirit.

February 21, 2000
11:28 pm
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Jaytong
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hi, lost soul. Me again. um....although I know I have to wait, it is really difficult, especially he chose to remain silent. I know I shouldn't break the silence (this is the most crucial point). He doesn't know how his silence hurts. As it would make me panic and think of the worst. But, that doesn't mean I don't trust him. it's just....a mixed feeling of everything.

On the other hand, the most annoying thing happened to me is that, one of my friend, who used to chase me several years ago, now wants to approach me after he knows that my bf left.......he treated me good, but everything he does could only reminds me how good my bf is. I definitely have no feeling towards him. this is annoying. Maybe guys are like that, the more difficult to get, the more challenging/interesting......maybe that's why my bf keeps a distance from me.

it is not that easy to keep silent. I find myself fluctuating....up and down, up and down. sometimes, I am confident; sometimes, I panic. I want to tell him to come again and comfort me as in the past. Just sit by myside and no need to do/say any other thing. Just sit by myside, then that would be enough. but I can't ask him to do this now! He's so distant. This is really torn me up!

February 22, 2000
10:05 am
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lost soul
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Hi Jaytong,it sounds familiar!I have been through that stage, up and down ,up and down. Just like what you say, the more difficult to get, the more challenging it will be.That's the thrill of the"love game".If you loose this game, you might actually be a real winner.

February 22, 2000
10:45 am
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lost soul
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I know its easy say than done.Why not turn the game over.make him feel the "thrill"and "challenge" instead of you.Well, but "sensiblely" speaking, if you are looking at long term healthy relationship.( the one that you're going to spend your life with )then, you must seriously consider his commitment ability.

Jaytong,sorry i can't write now, my daughter is waiting for me to help her with her school work. I will write to you tommorrow again.For the mean time. Take care!!! relax!!!! be cheerful!!!

February 22, 2000
10:21 pm
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Jaytong
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what do you mean "turn the game over"..."make him feel the thrill and challenge"???? I want to do that too....if I can turn the game over....
wait for your reply.

February 23, 2000
2:00 am
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lost soul
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Well. my point is " do you have the ability to make him feel like the way you feel for him.if deep inside your heart. you know you can't. Then I am sorry to say that you will be constantly asking this question : Should I give up?
(Pardon me of my frankness )

February 23, 2000
3:28 am
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Jaytong
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........My mind says: "there's no way. forget it. move on."; but my heart says : "Trust him, he will feel it. 'coz he truely loves you, he just got stuck with his past experience......given enough time to fully grieve his pain, he will return...." I have solid proof for both sides....that's the reason why I'm going up and down, up and down...........

I did think about trying to make him feel the same thing......It is not that I can't, it's just I dare not to do it, 'coz there are only 2 outcome: either he will leave and never return; or he'll be back and never leave again. I become very vulnerable at the moment...... I can't accept his eternal leave right now.......so I dare not to act........doing nothing to him........I dunno...........

somehow, I want to tell him that it's just because he got stuck. if he discover this, he will know the direction, and thing will be improved and back on track......but how to convey this idea without hurting his "Man's basic instinct"? You know, man hates to be told, if they find that their problems are solved because of the help from others, even the problem is solved perfectly, he won't be happy. Deep inside their heart, they feel powerless......so ......i dunno...maybe I should concentrate on how to achieve this.........Then, my mind speaks up again:"don't ever try, you'll be hurted even more........".............up and down, up and down......I really need some support......am I too crazy for what i am doing?

February 24, 2000
12:57 am
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Jaytong
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I still panic....I have the fear that he just think of his ex during this cool-off period instead of anything else......i feel pain whenever i think of this....i think he loves his ex more than me.....this really hurts....but is this true? Am i just a transition instead of his right pick? i dunno.

February 24, 2000
8:00 am
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lost soul
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Hi Jaytong,please try to relax! at least for the sake of yourself.I know how you feel, really! I have been through more difficult stage compare to yourself.Can you imagine your husband of 12 years having extra marital affair? you start to ask yourself lots of questions.Why? why? why? And you just cannot believe that the man whom you loved and loved you so much before and has being through so many up & down could simply fall in love with another woman and hurt you so badly.
So, Jaytong be easy on yourself.Another few years down the road, you will feel that Love Is Not Everthing.

February 27, 2000
1:58 pm
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lost soul
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JayTong, how are you? are you copping with your pressue? share with us!

February 29, 2000
3:33 am
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Jaytong
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sorry for no reply. i've been out of town for 5 days, to prepare for my new job. Thk you very much for your concern. i know i am stupid....compare with everyone my problem is just nothing, everyone says so. i hope, maybe as time goes by, i will feel better then.

February 29, 2000
4:56 am
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Jaytong
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somehow, I know I must handle this on my own. I am not demanding anyone to do something; I just want to talk and talk and talk.....it is so difficult if I can't talk about it........'coz I really don't know what's in his mind. My friend asked me try to contact him, maybe that could make me not so miss him......but I dare not to contact him by any means. I think he doesn't want to see me anyway, if I continue to call/ask to see him, it's just very annoying......on the other hand, his best friend told me that he doesn't want me to wait for him.....I can't say I am not waiting for him now. But I can't say I have given up neither......it's just very frustrated.
I've been thinking what make me so upset. I guess, his leave somehow reminds me some of my hidden feelings.....I am quite a concealing person, I find it very difficult to say my feelings to other people. But I feel very safe to speak to him, I can say anything to him. And he also encouraged me to do so too......he encourage me to open up and solve those problems that I was always afraid to solve. It took me "tonnes" of courage to start to face my problem, because I think I'll be supported by him.......but he just goes away...just goes away when I feel weak....maybe that's the reason.
sorry, lost soul, my story reminds you of bad experience, it must be very difficult for you. I'm sorry.

February 29, 2000
7:15 am
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janes
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Transition.......or Right Pick....
Stay or Leave
Grow or Stagnate

All I hear you daying is him him him How can I keep him!!!

If he doesn't want to come back..would you truly want him too? Would you want someone feeling annoyed that you can't be a separate person on your own? You are not define by the Lover you have. Or you shouldn't be.
two half people do not make a whole person. they make a dysfunctional group. You need to be whole so you can attract "shole people"
You will never know what is in his mind or truly in his heart.
Just as he will never truly know what is in your heart.

You have a reason you are concealing...search it out.

Good luck!!!

March 1, 2000
4:43 am
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Jaytong
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Dear all,
really. I really got to find out how to be whole.......i am not saying that I can't be whole without him; all I want to say is he made me recognize some problems. Those long hidden, or I should say, suppressed feelings....those feelings that have been covered up so long and well that actually fooled myself and all the people around me.....those problems that I always afraid to face.... don't know how to face/tackle them alone. I might need guidance....but he's not the guidance for sure....he could be the support, but not really a guidance.
Therefore, I am quite sure that he's not my problem now. it's just those problems. I got to find ways to face that alone, and be able to fight back and be a strong and tough girl like I used to be.

March 1, 2000
10:12 pm
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janes
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YYIIPPEE!!!!! Right on!!! Tough road..but we're all here or at least I am. and many others to. We are all on the same road just at different spots. and if you read what we say in other posts you'll see that first we git the langusge and then we get the means to do what we say and then know and then want to do to help ourselves.
You'll never have to face it alone...
Get a copy of Melody Beatties's book that is a guide to the twelve steps. I find it helpful to check on how I am doing

We're listiening!!!! Had a bubble bath today with the whole bottle of buubles?

March 2, 2000
6:12 am
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Jaytong
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Dear Janes, Many thanks for listening to me. This is what I need most at the moment. It is hard to face those problems and at the same time feeling alone. it really helps to share with you guys. I am in a country where counseling is not available. I failed to find a counselor before getting help thro' internet.

Also, it helps a lot thro' reading posts of co-dependency......um...i am not too sure.....am I / he in co-dep??? I dunno. but some parts of the stories I read from co-dep posts are almost the same as what happened between he and I. Would you please suggest me some threads? it is difficult just to guess from the subject of the threads, Thank you very much indeed! I appreciate you a lot. And lost soul too. Thanks for giving me an ear! I was so miserable before you guys reaching me (My tears almost dropped while I say so...), I wish I'll be able to grow.

Jay

March 2, 2000
6:42 am
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lost soul
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Hi Jaytong, we are all here to share.Is good to hear that you feel better somtimes after reading some thread, me too. There are those moment when I was so down, and I get encouragement and concerns from friends here!It feel so good.
And you too, I believe you are on your way to recovery.

March 2, 2000
7:38 am
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janes
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you don't need to wish to be able to grow...you are already growing. My road has been so long!! Just like yours.

This site has great infor on codep. Just realizing that you (we) are maybe a little codep is a big step. and even if you aren't the thing is reading about it can help each of us deal with relationships in a better way.

And there will still be days when taking a minute to enjoy life...will just piss you off and you want to hold onto that depressed mood.

The hardest thing for me was letting go. of my anxiety, of my anger (still have most of that) depression, and all the negetive things.

I found a site that the Dr. answers certain mesages directly for others to read and respond to as well. I find the addres and give it to you.
I like this site too. Very direct and easy.

Gotta get to work.
about that bubble bath.....

March 2, 2000
9:30 am
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janes
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Hey...got that resource for you. this was the first site I hung out at...before I found this one. Both are just excellent. support groups without having to pay for gas!!!!

Here goes...have a look.

http://www.drirene.com

smiles

March 2, 2000
10:26 pm
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Jaytong
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thanks a lot. I am going to check it out.

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