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Should I Give Him Another Chance or Run Like the Wind? Moon & Stars
May 29, 2006
12:15 am
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Anonymous
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Dear Om My Way:

Thank you for your support and for your prayers. I surely need them now. I have cried a river of tears for a month and I don't know when they will stop streaming.

I try to balance love and compassion for both of us. It is difficult with the anger and resentment I feel.

It is so hard to be a friend to him now. He has his family and they are there for him.

My cyber support is all I have right now. Our short-term engagement was very much a secret.

Who on these threads said that we are only as sick as our secrets?

Thank you OMW. I appreciate your support.

M & S

May 29, 2006
10:21 am
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Anonymous
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M&S -

It is understandable that you are hurt and angry that he is keeping you at arm's distance, while his family and other friends are close by - when you are the one he pledged his love to.

My ex did the same - asked me to marry him - then kept me at arm's distance - both from his family, his friends and the life he lived in another state - I only participated with him when he was here, and emotionally, he kept me at a distance even then.

BUT - he is healthy - capable of being healthier emotionally - just chooses not to.....so I can't accept his actions.

In your story - this man has been abused, but also knows he is dying. So even if he could let you close - what would it accomplish??? Perhaps he feels that it would only hurt you more - loving a dying man....perhaps he is trying to protect you....perhaps he knows he can't give you the love you deserve, so he doesn't want to have you close....perhaps knowing he can't give it to you hurts him, so he can't bear to look in your eyes....

I'm not trying to make excuses for him - just trying to see things from his perspective.....I know that if I was dying - and had just proposed to someone - I would feel horrible cuz I couldn't honor the commitment I just made....I would be torn between loving them for the last days that I have, and letting them go so they can move on without me....I waffle on that - I want people to help, but I don't want to be a burden....I hate being incapacitated for that reason.

I am sure he loves you, as you love him - but at this point, he really has nothing to give, and his focus is going to be on his health issues - and nothing else.

As for his final wishes - perhaps you can express that you love him and want to be by his side, but perhaps someone closer to him would be better equipped to carry out his plans....suggest he consider someone else that is more available to him. It is OKAY to say, "I love you, but I can't....".....and not offer any other explanation....it is OKAY to say no....be true to yourself, don't promise something that will tear you apart....you don't need to explain, you don't need to defend your decision....NO is a complete sentence.

(((HUGS))) to you....watching someone you love die - and having them shut you out while doing it is NOT an easy task......you have a big heart.

May 29, 2006
11:31 am
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on my way
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((((Moon & Stars)))

May 29, 2006
12:20 pm
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free spirit
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(((((Moon & Stars)))))

I am thinking about you, you have always been such a support to everyone on the site.

Don't have any advice to give you - just wanted to give you a hug!

May 29, 2006
12:57 pm
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Soulsister
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((((Moon & Stars))))

I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I do know, though, how it feels to love someone you cannot touch, and wonder if you ever will be able to. It is very painful..when you love them, and know that they love you. I feel this everyday..just like you. My heart goes out to you..

Love Soulsister

May 30, 2006
6:33 am
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Dear Alicat, On My Way, Free Spirit and Soulsister:

Thank you for your kindness and compassion. You have no idea how your supportive words and reaching out have helped me. It all brought tears to my eyes to read your words and see your expressions of support. Thank you.

Alicat, perhaps you are correct that he has those thoughts. Perhaps he is continue his hurtful controlling ways. I do not know. I can only accept the reality of the situation and I am trying to do so.

Thank you for reminding me that I do not need to do anything that is not right for me or that will hurt me more.

I am so trained to put others first, to sacrifice and to meet the needs of everyone else that I often do not even consdider that I can choose to say NO and do what is right for me. I do need to remind myself to do what is compassionate for me.

You have given me valuable advice. I now know what to do if I hear from him again. For all I know, he has flown to another country without telling me, as he has done before.

Thank you all. You are very special.

M & S

May 30, 2006
8:13 am
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Robert123
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Hey M&S,
I am really skeptical about this guys honesty with you. I know you have feelings for him but he is off the chart with his behavior. How long have you been'dating'this guy? How well do you really know him?
I would really take a hard look at this guy's mental stability. Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? Check into it and see if he might fit any of the requirements. Here is a site http://www.bpdcentral.com
Good luck,
Robert

May 30, 2006
11:09 am
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reachingout
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I am truly sorry and do not want to hurt anyone but have you seen any scars or anything to prove his is really unhealthy I feel bad saying that but you never know I think if he didn't want to hurt you he would have cut the ties not calling or emailing daily just food for thought Sorry

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