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Should I Give Him Another Chance or Run Like the Wind? Moon & Stars
December 27, 2005
11:25 am
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Anonymous
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Dear Pathfinder:

I am glad to hear that you are being cared for by a professional. It takes time for meds to work.

Reality is often too difficult for our mind to accept immediately, which is why we deny it. We all do that.

You lost someone meaningful to you. Your loss is your loss and you will experience it as you do. And you have a right to your feelings.

Yes, it is very difficult to think different thoughts. For now, I force myself to do so. Otherwise, I become even more morose. As time goes by it has been easier for me.

My pain has diminished slightly day by day. The pain is from suffering loss. Once you fully grieve the loss the pain will lessen.

Great that you work out regularly. Perhaps you could restart your program.

At times, I take everything hour by hour. Focus on taking care of yourself. I am doing that now too.

I am just trying to make it through each day right now and hope that tomorrow will be more joyful.

Be kind and gentle to you.

Moon & Stars

December 27, 2005
11:35 am
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Wow, okay. That entire article is my ex-BF right down to the laundry. Very enlightening...

December 27, 2005
11:46 am
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I almost showed up at his doorstep on Christmas Eve at 6 in the morning. I was able to stop myself from doing it but I feel like I'm growing weaker and weaker. Please talk me out of this. Please tell my why I shouldn't do it. I am so torn apart in so many different directions. My desperation grows....

December 27, 2005
12:16 pm
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Dear Pathfinder:

I think you need to tell yourself why being with that person is not a good idea for you.

Try making a list of all the positive aspects of the relationship against all the negative aspects.

Are there more negatives than positives? If so, why are you willing to accept so little and give so much?

M & S

December 27, 2005
1:00 pm
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whidbey
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Pathfinder,

You need to start talking positively to yourself and telling yourself why this is not a good situation for you. Keep repeating it over and over, and, as said above, figure out why you think you deserve ill treatment by another person. Re-read that article on abusers until you know it by heart and tell yourself you deserve nothing but the best kind of relationship in life. This website and these articles have totally eradicated any sense of loss I was feeling over the breakup with ex. It is such a feeling of FREEDOM for me. Luckily, I was happy and content being on my own before and am quickly getting back to that point again. It was exciting for a while, but one cannot live on a roller coaster forever. It is detrimental to one's health. BE STRONG and appreciate who you are as a person and realize what you deserve in life. You don't want to hang onto this relationship or even try and be "friends," because you know what? True friends don't treat their friends poorly or try to manipulate them for their own agenda. You hang in there, and big hugs.

December 27, 2005
1:07 pm
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whidbey
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I also agree with the exercise aspect. Luckily, my greyhound, Cindy, MAKES me get out almost every day for a walk on the beach. I can't begin to tell you how therapeutic something like that is. If you don't want to go back to your gym right away, find some gorgeous nature paths to walk on daily or even more than once a day, if you have the time. DON'T watch sad movies on the television or rent them. DO watch happy, uplifting things that will take your mind off your situation. And, yes, going through the grief is a very good thing. I literally cried for two weeks straight, and then it became every other day, then every three or four days, and now, having found such good affirmation in the information I've read, I don't feel the need to cry at all. I am REJOICING that I got out of that mess when I did before I lost even more of myself. I've fought long and hard to find myself through the years, and this was but a temporary lapse. I can guarantee it will never happen again. No one ever gets to walk on or demean me again. I've just turned 50, dumped or lost (father passed away last month) the abusers in my life, and now begins a whole new chapter. Yes!! It's all about me!! lol No, I'm not making light of your situation. I know the pain you are experiencing right now, but again, hang in there. There IS light at the end of that tunnel. Focus on it. 🙂

December 27, 2005
1:18 pm
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pathfinder
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Thank you M & S and Whidbey. I pray I can make it through the next hour. I just came back from my lunch break. I just sat in my car and cried and screamed. I feel like I'm going insane. Thank you for your continued support.

December 27, 2005
1:38 pm
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Whidbey:

Thank you for your inspirational words. They are helpful to me. I particularly appreciate your emphasizing that true friends do not treat friends badly!

A walk on the beach sounds divine! Your attitude is wonderful. Good for you.

Pathfinder:

Your tears and screams of pain will turn to anger at the person who treated you badly. You will survive. Tell yourself that you will. And you will be stronger and will learn to protect yourself in the future.

And then no one, no one will ever treat you poorly again because you will learn not to allow it to happen ever again.

Love and nurture yourself now through the pain. Crying is cleansing like the rain.

M & S

December 28, 2005
9:43 am
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pathfinder
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I keep obsessing about the fact that he asked me to call him, last week and when I finally did about 36 hours later he said he had time to think and he didn't want me to call him anymore and that he planned to change his phone number. I drove by his apartment last night and his car wasn't there, but the lights were on, leading me to believe he already moved in his ex!! This was the same person that he continuously threatened to go back to everytime we an argument(emotional blackmail) I had to force myself to get up this morning and go to work. I would have preferred to just sleep all day. The only way to avoid the pain is to sleep. I'm not getting any better. I am very concerned. I don't see my therapist again until Friday and with time going by so slowly it seems like an eternity. You are my only friends now. I feel regretful. I thought things were getting better...I was blindsided by the sudden rage that brought our relationship to its cruel ending. I wish I could think about something else, or at the very least get to the anger so it would be easier to let him go. How do I get to anger??? How do I stop blaming myself? How do I stop the OBSSESSION. My heart goes out to anyone who is going through a similar crisis...

December 28, 2005
10:15 am
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Dear Pathfinder and Moon & Star, right now you are still in the grieving period. It is ok to feel the hurt and pain and also to be angry. The anger will come if it isn't there. The anger might be around for awhile but it is all part of the process. I think I am still in the anger part of it. It totally replaced all the hurt. I will be glad to be over the angry part but I know I cannot help it right now. As long as I stay angry, I am preventing myself from being happier, from moving on, yet I think it is part of the process. It has only been 4 months since the break up. The harder the fall, the harder it is to get back up. But you do get back up. My feeling is that a year from now, I won't be as obsessed over any thoughts whether it be love, missing him, being angry, feeling hurt, not being able to trust, etc, that all of it will be behind me. At least I hope so. I think if you think about the long run, where you will be a year from now, you won't want this man either.

December 28, 2005
10:30 pm
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Dear Pathfinder:

I was flying through the clouds today reading "The Language of Letting Go".

The entry for July 14 "We are Lovable" spoke to me.

"Do you ever find yourself thinging: How could anyone possibly love me?

This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don't believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love."

Pathfinder, I know that you are in tremendous emotional pain. But know that you are so lovable! Does anyone that treats you so badly deserve anyone as lovable as yourself? Hell no!

Please ask yourself why you are settling for so little.

You don't deserve crumbs and neither do I.

Take care of yourself.

Moon & Stars

December 28, 2005
10:42 pm
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Dear Taj64:

Thank you for your encouragement. I believe that you are correct. Anger is a helpful and safeguarding emotion. After the pain and desperation, I believe that one becomes aware of the injustice that was done and rightfully rages. Anger helps to prevent regression.

You are correct that you will need to move beyond the anger for yourself. We will all get there in the appropriate time.

My situation is complicated because I know well the sexual abuse that my ex bf suffered as a child. He has all the traits that Ladeska so perceptively observed on another thread. Bless that woman! She is amazing.

Despite the hurt that he has caused me and it is extensive and ongoing, I do feel compassion for him. It is difficult to rage against someone who suffers from so much residual pain.

It has been said that we can spend a lifetime recovering from our childhoods. The sooner we are aware of our issues the better.

I wish you all the best. Thank you for your kind words and sharing.

Moon & Stars

December 29, 2005
7:59 am
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whidbey
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"I keep obsessing about the fact that he asked me to call him, last week and when I finally did about 36 hours later he said he had time to think and he didn't want me to call him anymore and that he planned to change his phone number."

Oh my. Ay yi yi... What a power play! He's effectively telling you that he will hold all the power in this thing. Reel you in, then tell you to leave him and alone and that YOU are harrassing HIM. That's pretty twisted.

And hey, thousands upon thousands of people go through abuse in the young lives, moi included, but that doesn't give us the right to treat other people like dirt and/or yank them around on strings like a puppet. Yes, he does have a lot of stuff to work out, but as adults, WE are responsible for our own decisions. Yes, the past does color many of those decisions and actions, but someone who is mature and with any insight at all will begin to see patterns in their life and start making changes. You cannot be responsible for how he handles his past and, now, his present decisions. You can't fix it for him. Only he can do that.

December 29, 2005
8:18 am
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Dear Whidbey:

You are correct that adults are responsible for their own behavior. And I am not excusing his. I am trying to protect myself from further hurt. Thanks for the reminder.

December 29, 2005
9:10 am
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Yeeks, M&S, I came across kinda "preachy," huh? Actually, you've given ME some great reading material. I just re-read the whole thread. Kinda new here and am still getting to know who's who. 🙂

December 29, 2005
9:41 am
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pathfinder
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Good morning M & S, Whidbey, and Taj64, and others (new supporters are always welcome here). How is everyone doing today. My days are starting to look like a scene straight out of Groundhogs Day where every day is a re-run of the day before. Hope your all doing better. What motivates you? What would help to alleviate the obsessive thoughts? Any suggetions?

December 29, 2005
9:47 am
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whidbey
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For me, it was reading and discovering that my ex was a textbook poster boy for NPD and abuser/charmer. It was a total revelation to me. For whatever reason, it took all the hurt and anger away and strenthened my resolve to never contact this person again. It had been a long time (10 years) between relationships for me, and this was a real wake-up call for me on how I DON'T want to be treated in life. My sleep is better, I don't ruminate nearly as much anymore, and feel very empowered by the knowledge. All of that, plus getting out and exercising every day and eating right, which is also empowering as I continue on my self-improvement plan I started last year. I know that seems overly "simple," but it really isn't. All I wanted to do most of the time was sit in my chair and cry. But, I MADE myself do these things, plus stay in contact with friends who uplift and strengthen me, which reaffirms my personal worth.

December 29, 2005
9:59 am
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This paragraph motivates me when I am stuck: I hope it's ok to share with you all.. I am not preaching anything just sharing..

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life --unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until] I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, 1 could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes

December 29, 2005
11:53 pm
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Dear Whidbey:

I didn't find your comments "preachey" at all. You reinforce the important fact that we need to have great compassion for ourselves. And you are right that abuse is no excuse to treat others poorly. And it is my responsibility to protect myself from poor treatment and from being hurt.

I have been conditioned to tolerate abnormal amounts of pain and to put others before me. I am trying to change this learned pattern day by day.

You self improvement plan is a winner! The better we look and feel the better our attitude will be. I know that I feel fantastic when I work out. In addition, I believe that people that take care of themselves also tend to be healthier in mind, body and spirit.

Pathfinder, I have worked to replace obsessive thoughts with other thoughts. First, like Whidbey, I needed to understand who and what I was dealing with.

This site has been invaluable to me in educating myself. I learned about the behaviors of addicts, abusers, victims of abuse and violence on this site and by doing other research.

And then by facing reality. I analyzed my relationship and what was actually happening not what I dreamed that it could or would be. If only... I listened to the words and compared them to actions. Consistently, they did not match.

Examining myself and my own background was critical in understanding why I was letting anyone treat me so poorly. I would never let a friend treat me in this way. Why would I let someone who claims to love me treat me with such disrepect?

I find "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie to be invaluable in healing. The brief meditations, one per day, are uplifting and affirming. Particularly when I am feeling down, these can bring me back up.

Down2Earth:

Thank you for sharing this paragraph. I too find that accepting helps to bring peace.

We have to accept people for who they are and not who we would wish them to be.

Your support and shared experiences are uplifting too!

Moon & Stars

December 30, 2005
3:40 am
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I have read all of the things you have wrote. I thought I was the only one with male problems. I am pretty young and I have been in a messed up relationship for years. I keep asking myself why do I stay. I feel so week. I never thought that I could let someone make me feel this way. I think that we do have to be strong and it is hard when someone has torn you down.

I would like to applaud all the strong women in this thread. It is hard to get back what you lost.

December 30, 2005
6:54 pm
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Dear Loved:

It is great that you are questioning your relationship if you having problems. If you are not getting your needs met, please reconsider the situation. You of course should be loved whole heartedly, completely and fully by your partner. Take back your power. You are responsible for YOU!

Read, learn and apply what you acquire from this site to your situation. I wish that I had been less naive going into this last relationship. It would have saved me years of pain,tears and grief.

But I KNOW now and knowledge is POWER!

Best wishes to you. You deserve the best as we all do.

Moon & Stars

May 28, 2006
11:10 pm
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Dear Friends:

I need your help. I am so tormented and confused that I can barely make it through each day.

I have pulled back this thread that I started last year because my "relationship" continues and I am racked with pain!

An update. I was supposed to join my boyfriend in Rome for a wedding ceremony. He became ill and I did not hear from him over Christmas.

He apparently showed up in my town with an engagement ring at the courthouse in January.

I disregarded the date that he told me to meet him at the courthouse because of a string of past broken promises.

He apparently showed up. I did not. I was implementing no contact and tryng to heal. He sent me a wrenching letter expressing his feelings and questioning whether in fact I truly did love him. Tormented myself with the same questions, I responded to his letter. We talked and talked some more.

I told him what I wanted and needed from him.

We were engaged on February 1. My ex-fiance has numerous health issues. In March he had emergency abdominal surgery. He would not let me be near him during his surgery or recuperation. According to him, this is all due to his experience of injuries during war. He does not wish anyone with him.

My fiance is also a survivor of child sexual abuse. In mid-April, he tells me that he is confused about his sexual orientation! I encourage him to seek professional and intensive counseling. Which he does.

After several weeks, he reappears. I believe that we can move forward. But alas, it is not to be. His brain tumor has grown and is causing various difficulties.

He is unsure whether he wishes to seek treatment this time. Because of multiple health issues, he is limited to non-invasive treatment.

In short, he opts for radiation therapy. I am completely excluded from his treatment protocols which he follows in another state. He has carefully and scrupulously kept me excluded from his life during the entire time that I have known him. I have no contacts to him except for email and cell phone.

Fast forward. The treatments have diminshed the tumor. However, the side effects are serious and he is exteremely ill.

I have not seen him in over a month now, but he remains in almost daily contact by email and phone.

My heart is broken. I am in agony. He will not let me see him. Part of it, I believe is pride. He has lost his hair and is bloated. He is depressed. As am I.

I think he may dying. Or he is suicidal.

This evening. I received an email saying that he wants to put his life in order and trusts me to assist him in carrying out his wishes.

He is going to call me when he is more lucid to discuss what he wants me to do.

What do I do? He wants to "employ" me to assist him in carrying out his wishes. Meanwhile, I am not able to see him because he is in another state.

I am angry and tortured by his poor treatment of me.

At the same time, I believe that he is dying and he is asking for my help.

I don't know what to do. He has hurt me so badly for so long that I am almost numb when I am not hurting.

Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

I am at a loss.

M & S

May 28, 2006
11:26 pm
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it would seem to me that this man is going to die....and probably fairly soon - just based on what you tell us here.

with that - I think that it's agonizing to not be by his side - but at the same time - would being with him make it even harder????

IF you can - do what you can - as much as he will allow - love him the best you can and accept the love he gives - the best he can give.

I think that the real issue here is probably that he doesn't want you falling in love with a dying man - or "wasting your time" on him, knowing he is going to pass.....he may love you so much he is pushing you away to try and protect you.

no matter what his motives - you can't change what he does - you can't force him to let you "in" - and you can't force your love on him....

the choice is yours - can you stay by his side from a distance, and focus on your own life and needs, knowing that this can't last.....or do you need to let go now - because it's too painful to watch?

can you be what he needs, even tho he can't give you what you need? and due to his health issues - he may never really give you anything more......

the only question is if you can continute to be his friend - on his terms...under normal circumstances, I would say hell no - but you don't know how much longer he has....and perhaps loving him until the end is okay.....I wouldn't do it for a lifetime with someone who is "healthy".....but these are different circumstances.

rambling, sorry....no easy answer.

May 28, 2006
11:46 pm
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Dear Alicat:

You are correct. There is no easy answer. You have such perception and empathy. I value your thoughts and comments.

I am in such pain. As I know that he is. Victims of abuse have no easy path. I think if he did not have the health issues that he would have made great progress and we could have had a reasonable chance of success.

I am so insulted that he wants to employ me to assist him in his final plans. I would have done anything for him if he had treated me with respect.

You are correct that he is loving me the best that he can but he has hurt me for an extended period by keeping me separated from his life.

That he knowingly did so makes me reluctant to stand by him in whatever time he has left, even from a distance. For the past three weeks he promised that I could join him. Each time he has broken his promise. At the same time, I feel compassion and love for this man.

He is tragic. This love is tragic. I pray for guidance because when he is more coherent he will call me and express his wishes. I don't know how I will answer

Thank you for your thoughts. I know that you are struggling with your own pain. You are a courageous woman and I admire YOU!

M & S

May 29, 2006
12:05 am
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So sorry M&S..what agony you surely must feel. I also though, encourage you to do what you can if he asks at this time. Honor his request to not see him even if it does not make sense, just let him know that you love him. I agree with ali, there really isn't anything else you can do.

hugs & prayers for you,
omw

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