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Should I feel bad if I can't provide?
May 2, 2005
8:15 pm
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MsCMac
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I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. I have a strong tendency to overextend myself to others and when I can't follow through, they get upset and I'm left feeling bad because I couldn't take care of my friends/family needs(loaning money, babysitting, responsiblities of motherhood and wife...etc.,) All my life I have been a giver and I really thought it was something normal to do. I always volunteer my services and now people have come to depend on me for being there. Well now, I'm really tired of "being there" and I'm starting to pull away from the demands of being a good friend and avoid obligating myself altogether. I feel that my responsibilities are to my children and to myself and I am beginning to really take a look at how I'm spreading myself thin. I hate it when I allow people to take advantage of me. I'm ready for a change and I know I can do it, I just need to say 'no' and mean it. Okay so now how do I do that without feeling bad? I'm tired of giving and not getting.
Is this normal?

May 2, 2005
8:19 pm
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Randomwomen2
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one of my favorite sayings is that charity starts at home and if you are giving your all other places then well i think that needs to apply just rember you and your family come first other people will understand and if your friends dont then they are just takers and you dont need them have you asked them for help? You need a rest hun. I know i am a giver too i gave my birthday to someone in need i know what it is like hun i hope this helps just try to think of yourself this once and relax

May 2, 2005
8:33 pm
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Rudie
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Cmac,

I can relate to what you are saying, I am a giver by nature, and I usually over extend myself as well.

I think for me this need to give - and the bad feelings that result from not doing so - stem from a need to be liked. People like those who they can depend on for things.

I'm not sure if this is the case for you, but I can tell you that for me, I am finding that I just need to take it one step at a time.

I usually say yes to a request without even thinking about how the decision will affect me. I am now seeing how saying “no” means that I am loving myself and taking care of myself. So I can feel better about saying "no, wont be able to help you with that" with out this “bad” feeling.

See my reasoning behind this whole thing is; If I am overextended, then I won't do a good job. The next thing is that if I keep doing things for this person, how will that cope if I am even not around?

And fact is, people should like you for who you are not what you can give to or do for them. So if they dislike you for saying “no”, you need to seriously re-consider your connection with this individual.

All this helps me to sit and re-think accepting new responsibility and allows me to say no, with out feeling as if I have wronged this person, as it is in saying yes - that I would really be doing them a disservice.

I hope this helps.

(((hugs)))

Rudie

May 2, 2005
8:45 pm
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Rasputin
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I can relate so well to you MscMac. In my family, I was a giver, tender, generous, and caretaker, yet I was taken for granted. The best barometer to detect that we are being "Too Nice" is anger. When I got angry, I started to set my boundaries. Yes, at the begining my family resented me and thought of me as selfish, stingy, uncaring...even though I did not stop to take care of my nieces and nephews and take them out.

I was taming my family (parents and siblings) all the time I was living with them, and believe me, at the end they respected me. Even though I am a generous person, yet I am quite independent and demand appreciation.
When the human-being feels unappreciated, he stops giving. So, this was the crucial turning point in my life. I am glad I've always been strong person, even though I was unaware of it. But in retrospect, I was setting my own boundaries, and imposing gently my peronality upon my family.

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