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Should I dump my boyfriend/fiancee because he doesn't choose to stand up for himslef?
October 19, 2006
8:34 pm
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truthBtold
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Oh the tangled web we weave! I have heard it said that the most infuriating aspect about someone else's personality that we actually DETEST...CAN (sometimes be)THAT which we can not bear to see within ourselves! Yes. While it is true that I have now come to the succinct conclusion that it is NOT how a potential mate makes me FEEL......but more importantly.....HOW THEY FUNCTION....that tells the REAL story.
So - I dunno. Gosh - I hate to go into some long sordid description about where I am in this relationship and how I got there....I only know that my boyfriend's gross lack of standing up for himself really "rubs me the wrong way" - to put it mildly. He is part owner of a small company - but more times than not - he cowties to the other two partners and acts more like he is an employee than an actual partner. When he complains to me about how he is being undermined and short-changed etc...I remind him (at the risk of being considered a "hard-assed" and "bitch") that he DOES INDEED TREAT PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT HIM!!! I think that he considers it for half a moment then goes back into his old thinking patterns. While it is true that I have not personally confronted my own father on the sexual abouse that he did to me (I rmemeber some really "obscure" things - not unlike my 2 older sisters whom can recall ACTUAL circumstances) What I lacked in my own personal family dynamics....I succeeded with other relationships up to and including working relationships. I learned to just confront my past bosses whom were trying to "do a number on me" by introducing guilt and shame into the equasion of my work ethic. I - in no uncertain terms - was able to face and confront these bosses forthright - looking them square in the eye and "calling their bluff" as it were. I still (even being unemployed for several months)know I have the "gumpshum" to be confrontive and honest. However, I can not say the same for my partner. For the first time in my completely independent life - I am relying on hime for income. We live together and I can not - FOR THE LIFE OF ME...able to gain employment in the same capacity that was available to me 5-10-15 years ago. My job classification as a Retail Merchandiser has all but dried up and is now (much to my dismay) resulted in a very gloomy future where the great employewrs of yesteryear are only willing to hire out on a part-time or independent contractor status with absolutely no benefits. Years ago - I had it made. Company car - employer-paid benefits....but no more. I am in my 40's and this type of work is what I have been doing for the past 15 years or so.....so anyway - I guess the thing is - is that here I am - for the first time in my life since I was 16 years old in a position where I am throwing myself into my boyfriend's business - but am limiting to the extent that he decides to grab his own self by the balls and stand up for himself. I know that I am rambling here and I appreciate the patience to those who have contined to read this stuff. I am not thinking straight. I am reminded of my past marriage with a great guy - who ALSO didn't have the balls to stand up for our relationship. Until a few episodes aired on the Dr.Phil show - I really did not have any point of reference as to what I did had any ounce of validity or not...but as it stood....when me and my 1st husband set the date for our wedding - his mother stepped in and said that we had to change it because his grandmother couls not make it. So we did....and don;t you know that it was YEARS LATER during our marraige that one night I just shot straight up in bed and said...."Your mother changed our wedding date" Another incident that occurred happened when his brother in Fl (we lived in GA) had a bad motorcycle accident. All of his family (including myself) rallyed to his small apt while he was in the hospital. Since I grew up in Miami. at one point - I had used his brother's phone to call my sister in Miami. Little did I know that because of the big ole combo tele/answering machine device in his brother's bedroom - did I realize that the mundane conversation between my sister and I were being recorded. It was only when my ex-husband and I return to the apt with groceries for all that I discovered that his mother, sister and 2 brothers were sitting there listening to the (unbenonced to me)converstaion between me and my sister. Upon coming into the room and witnessing this.....I was shocked!!!! My husband at the time never ralyed for me. Never reached over to cut this off and stand up for me by saying - what are you doing listening to this???? Well, what happened is that this incident and the lack of support and balls from his end never failed to escape me. I asked for a divorce and got it....and do you know - that for YEARS.....I had this incredible nighmare where my mother-in-law was in the driver's seat - my husband at the time was in the passenger seat...and I...in the paltry, fricking BACK-SEAT!!!!! At one point in my marrige - my husband at the time (not unlike my current boyfriend) had privvy to sensitive information regarding his comapny. As it turned out - my husband - while being the #1 account for his company found out that his salary was at the bottom of the list in comparision with everyone else. He was completely distraught wheh he found this out. So I told him - that YOU HAVE TO DETERMINE YOUR OWN SELF WORTH!!!! We had a real serious conversation and I asked him to tell me what HE THOUGHT he was worth? This was one of the most "bare-bones" conversations that I have ever had....but nonetheless notwithstanding. He finally agreed for an annual salary (at the time) of $35,000 with company vehicle and some other perks I can't rmember anymore. I told him to just "stand his groud" and that he and the owner of the company knew that he was the one that made the Kroger account number 1. I stood behind him all the way! I said - well if this doesn't pan out...we ate franks and beans before - we can do it again...so anyway - to make a long story short - he DID finally confront his bos with a raise and told him of his expectations. With company key in hand and on the verge of throwing up because of the pressure - my husband was able to convey his grievences and go about mandating a new scenerio which he would be comfortable with....all the while - ready to hand in the keys to his company vehicle should the aggreement not be mutually satisfactory. As he put it to me later on, he put his balls "on the cutting table" and was the better for it. I guess the whole reason for me telling you this story is because years later after my divorce - my ex-husband and I met and he admitted two things: One - he should have stuck up for me when an issue between me and his mother came up - - and two - that I was in his corner 100% when push came to shove in terms of his career. I only know that I only have just a (now limited) amount of "spunk" to me left and have found myself rather depleted over time to try and fight someone else's battles. Am I making any kind of sense to anyone? I love my fiancee but at this point and time - have really nothing left to put up with the manipulations he is victim to....but refuses to see for himself. Bottom Line: I am just Tired of being a fucking cheer-leader!!!!! (OHHHH God....I just now realized how loooooong this message is.........) forgive me!

October 19, 2006
10:06 pm
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justhinking
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truthBtold,
I think that you have to stop putting all your energy to make others achievers and go out there and get what you really want in your life. It's not your boyfriend/fiancee your fighting or your ex. it's everything you left bottled up all your life becuase you let things slide in your personal thoughts and your focusing on your others halfs life.
take your 15 years exp. and your 40 years of life exp. and put it to good use and see what could happen. Your fiance might feel that he is comfortable in the position he holds and he wants nothing more. What is it that you really want?

October 19, 2006
10:17 pm
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truthBtold
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justthinking,
point well taken. I shall sleep on this tonight. Thanks for your response.

October 19, 2006
10:18 pm
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kirikiri
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wow!i feel for you-i know what it's like to be tired of everything-giving,running around for everyone and telling people what to do with their lives...
then i learned that as long as i'm telling people i care about that, the more tired i'll be..
then i learned that, yeah, i'm a control freak, always trying to tell others what to do/how to and never really 'being there for myself'...
so, my friend, your fiance will learn.your part is to love him as you say..it's that simple.
and enjoy your life together.
im sure he's got he's got his balls together--perhaps it just isn't his nature to be --aggresive and some people are like that.he'll learn in good time.

October 20, 2006
2:16 am
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doubleloss
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hi truth.

my fxh is a very mild mannered man that goes about his life at a turtle pace, never really stood up for me, dislikes conflict, evil people do push him around but those who love him really respect him, and at the end of the day didn't do what he needed to do to salvage our marriage.

Having said that, I could have very well stayed and just suck it up, he is a wonderful guy, but I realized that i cannot change him, i cannot demand of him things that he can't/won't deliver, and at the end of the day, i was not happy with the way he IS. So I ended our 20 year relationship.

I guess my point is that I must accept My partner the way he is, warts and all, and if such a big part of his personality is wrong for me, then i must remove myself from the situation. AFter all, i don't want him telling me how to live my life, I tried, i became quiet, less bubbly, more controlled, less feisty and it ended up suffocating me. I have a bit of an understanding as to why he is the way he is, he has spunk - buried somewhere else - but he chose not to do anything - call it lack of backbone, or whatever and that, i cannot accept any longer.

life is short, i do not wish to be expecting things from people that cannot deliver. it is cruel to them and to me. anyway, in your heart you know what you need to do.

experiment. what will happen if you back off and stop telling your fiance what to do and how? try it, you might be surprised!! best of luck! double

October 23, 2006
5:15 pm
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truthBtold
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well, here is an update: currently unemployed without any income of my own right now, my fiancee, who is living with me was supposed to be receiving a check. He hadn't got paid for 6 WEEKS and I had to put this month's rent on my charge card.He is in business for himself with 2 other partners and they have had alot of growth recently - hiring 2 new employees and work-trucks etc...however, HE ALLOWS his other partners to push him around and such - he was supposed to get his check today - but didn't. Whenever the partners need anything from him - he just drops everything and does it...he acts more like an employee than a partner.

Anyway, we were expecting the check today to be delivered by an employee who lives near the company office (which is 2 hours away from me)...the two of them (he and his employee) are currently working on a job during the week 15 miles from my house, but the office (one of the partner's wife who runs the office) said she forgot to put his check in some slot for the employee to deliver.

When he came home and told me this - I was LIVID!!!!! 6 WEEKS NOW without any money and he doesn't seem to be THAT upset!

My fiancee had to go out of town over the week-end and he had to use my charge card for gas and debit card for $20 cash. Now, don't get me wrong - we have been living together for awile and he has been paying for everything for a couple of months now - but - I do cook and clean and help him out with some aspects of his business in the course of looking for work.

Bottom Line: Tonight - actually just about a half hour ago - I told him that I think that it would be best if he spent the night with his buddy. I told him that I am at my wit's end!!!! I told him that I have no control on how he decided to interact with his partners and that I have to remove myself from the situation because it really is starting to take a toll on me. My hands were (are)shaking.... He was very understanding and told me he loved me before he left.

Oh, incidentally, during the past 6 weeks of him not getting paid - one of his partners was in Florida for a week and the other was on vacation in Colorado....meanwhile, we had to put the rent on my charge card!!!!

Whew! I apologize for the length. I appreciated the previous feedback.

I do not know what I am going to do at this point.

We left it that we would talk tomorrow.

He's a really sweet guy and I do believe he loves me. This is tough!!!

October 23, 2006
6:16 pm
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doubleloss
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hi. it is tough. it is YOUR call you know, but if you decide to stay then should be because you accept him the way he is, nobody changes for someone else. good luck tomorrow!!

October 23, 2006
6:42 pm
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truthBtold
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doubless,

Thanks for your words of wisdom!

Yes, I would have to weigh everything out and decide to accept him - warts and all...or not. Great advice.

But, here is where it gets a bit "sticky."

It is said, and I believe it to be true, that the traits that you dsepise so much in other people is so - because it acts as a mirror of sorts to those ugly aspects deep within us that we do not wish to acknowledge....wouldn't you agree?

So my job, I guess - is to try and differentiate EXACTLY what aspects of my fiancees' behavior is justified and strictly his alone and which aspects are simply reflections of my own shattered psyche that I am not willing to acknowledge! Herein lies the conundrum!!!!!

Thoughts from anyone?????

Thnaks!

October 23, 2006
9:04 pm
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truthBtold
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am feeling a little anxious here -will someone PLEASE respond?????

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