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Should I contact or let go?
May 11, 2005
11:18 am
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chickyfighter
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About 2.5 yrs ago I met somone who lived in another state. We only dated for 6 months but new each other at least 4 months b4 actually dating. We became friends before anything especially since he lived far away we spent more time talking on the phone and emailing than anything else. He was probably the only person I can say now almost 3 yrs. later that I know treated me w/much love/respect/and all the things I expect or should expect. Plus he is so Christian and lived it...except I was weak when it came to the sexual part and we both struggled at not being together when he'd come in town, but it was so sweet that we both wanted to try being abiding Christians...The only problem was that he lived far away and he nor I liked that at the time I was finishing school so I did not could not move and his field was aerospace engineering so his job market was limited to certain areas.(nevertheless, he would have considered moving here for us, had the right opportunity came)... Anyway he was great w/the boys, BUT then, he wanted me to pick a ring and I freaked out. I had only been divorced 2 yrs and I had never been in a serious relationship much less think of marriage. Eventually it went sour b/c after pushing him away 2 times and wanting him back each time the 3rd time he was mean and avoided me and since he lives so far away I could not really know what was going on other than his job becoming too stressful and me stressed in school.(I creid as much as he made me laugh I knew he loved me but I also knew he was not going to let me back in so easily... We stoppped talking we spoke of working on becoming friends after that but it never really seemed like he meant that b/c he did no call & since I was used to him pursuing me I felt like a dumb ass, and then the last time I heard from him was for my birthday in November, he sent me flowers (he always did little things for me always sending gifts, or cards just because)...I thought he wanted us to stay in touch after the flowers thing and I called and felt dumb again, so I wrote him an email telling him that I was sorry for not being ready for somone like him back then but since I was not feeling that the friendship was working or that it was only one sided, I will move on and I wished him the best...cutting all connection...never heard from him again...so lately or actually always thought he was good for me, but I was not ready and wanted to see what else was there, etc... and can't just forget that I had somone so good once and let him go...should I send him a card or letter or email telling him how I feel and that I would love to try it again? or should I leave it alone? I would love to have that which he gave me back, but maybe it was not menat to be?? The boys liked him alot which is again a big plus and he was supportive of my career, he was great...his nae also starts w/S but we'll call him Mr. Maryland.

May 11, 2005
1:35 pm
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CAMER
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hi, you could always send him an email...and at least know that you tried. Just be careful, cuz he may be "taken" now or involved with someone else. But at least if you try you will know and maybe HE too would want to rekindle what you once had.
Good luck!!!

May 11, 2005
1:42 pm
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chickyfighter
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I think I will just email him to thannk him for the encouragment he gave when I was in school and leave it at that...after all he never knew if/when I graduated. Thanks Camer, I guess I just don't like dating new people, I get used to the old and him b/c he never did hurt me 'til the end when he got sick of my non-committal ways...I tend to give them a hard time when we start I have come to understand that I do it as a pattern, most do not pass that they give up, he gave it a good try, anyhow...thanks again, I will post to say if he answers, maybe he got taken by his ex, she always wanted him back plus they have a long history.

May 11, 2005
1:45 pm
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kathygy
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I think its worth a shot to contact him. But don't expect too much afterall you have pushed him away a number of times. Be crystal clear and honest with yourself before you call or email him that you would not push him away again.

May 11, 2005
2:01 pm
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chickyfighter
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Kathygy, I thank you for the response/advice, I am so sure that if I had another chance I would not for any reason push him away again. I always thought he was cute, but not as cute, plus he smoked, so those were the flaws he had, now they seem so trivial! I learned my lesson plus I have grown so much, and have come to know me so much more than ever! I pray he still remembers me...he always remembered little things I never even paid attention to. He was the one who loved me and I did not realize that being loved is so much better than loving alone...I guess I needed to experience some more bad boys to get me to this point...if he only knew how much heart ache I have been through after he left...Thanks again!

May 11, 2005
2:13 pm
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Anonymous
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Chicky, could it possibly you are thinking of him and trying to use this guy to replace the last one???

Just wondering dear.

May 11, 2005
2:26 pm
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olivejuice
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I know exactly where you're coming from, girl! I highly recommend the book "He's Scared/She's Scared" - it's about commitment-phobia. It really helped me and I never thought I had commitment issues until I was in a situation similar to yours! It sounds as if you are at least aware of your "non-committal ways," and that's a good thing! Whatever the outcome with "Mr. Maryland," and I wish you all the best, this book will help you better understand the reasons why you pushed him away in the first place and what you can do to avoid doing it again in this or a future relationship. Rest assured, chicky, if you don't get back together with "MM," you WILL find love again. Keep the faith! :*

May 11, 2005
2:37 pm
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chickyfighter
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Aces, no, it is not replacing S. Mr. M is/was always someone I always kicked myself for not having been smart enough to keep I liked bad boys, maybe b/c that is all I had so was not sure I was comfortable being loved so dearly. S is just that: a bad boy. He admits it, and he is proud of it, thus he is still immature, when S stops seeing his sleeping around as a flaw that will mean he is growing and loving himself more, until then I will always love him as a person who helped me see so much of me, the good and bad and even if Mr. M never writes back. I am going to have to be fine. I have issues w/committment that is why I choose the emotional unavailable ones mostly...but thanks for pointing that out.

May 11, 2005
3:35 pm
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chickyfighter
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Olive, thanks I will definitely check out the book. I know I still have issues w/trust and I rather not go there again. I was married and cheated on so much & hurt in every emotional way possible, so nope I liked the no strings attached when it was convenient for me...I can relate to men who don't want to committ b/c I am a phobic also but knowing that we cannot have something/someone sometimes can lead us into wanting something we really only wanted for the challenge of it all. Olive so where are you in this issue, are you still struggling w/it, or how did you overcome it? Aces, how are is Mr. Jack and you doing? how about your g/f?

May 11, 2005
6:06 pm
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olivejuice
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I'm still struggling a bit, yes. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, does it? But I have gained so much insight and become so much more aware of my feelings and reactions. I'm so glad I was led to this site! I've been poking around here most of the afternoon while at work and read some other threads (awesome folks posting here!), and felt compelled to sign on and respond to yours because it so resembled mine. (I had that "bad-boy fixation" for a while myself!) I'm currently in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy who sounds much like your "MM" (sans the Christian part! He's a self-proclaimed, "but moral!" agnostic. I've always found that hard to swallow...) But, I guess that's a topic for a whole new thread?

May 11, 2005
6:20 pm
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Anonymous
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CHicky, I think with what you have just been through with S, that you should give yourself some time. It is easy to confuse things, and while you may have always like M, it might be more clear if you give it some time.

If he has really changed, then he can wait a little longer.

Our issues with commitment are killing me too, so you are not alone.

May 11, 2005
6:46 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Chicky,

Yes, I too would recommend you to give it a shot and send him something. If he has feelings, he would respond. Even if the answer is negative, at least you would still know how he feels toward you and give him a chance to reflect on your past relationship. I commend you for your positive growth and change. I too used to fall in love with cold/egocentric men. It is time we learned to love men who love us, not only we who love them.

I will keep you in my thoughts, keep us posted, best of luck!!!

(((HUGS TO U & SWEET KIDS)))

May 12, 2005
10:33 am
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pathfinder
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Chickyfighter...oh my God I just read your entire thread and was shocked because it seems we are living in a parallel universe. I have the same exact problem with commitment. In my case I haven't made any contact with my ex since the first week in March and was thinking of sending him a birthday card or email since his B-day is a few weeks away...I however found out that he had a new girlfriend move in to his apartment and now I feel like it is just TOO LATE and in my case it has only been two months. You mentioned that you haven't had contact with Mr. M since Nov. 2004..unfortunately he may already be in another relationship. I sincerely hope that he is not. I don't with that kind of pain and regret on anyone else. I do believe however that if you are willing to take the risk that he will reject your efforts, that you should let him know how you feel. Life is just to short not to try... In my situation I am trying to decide for myself if I should contact my ex, even with the knowledge that he is in another committed relationship. I think I should probably wait a few months, maybe even a year, at which point if I'm still single I can try to initiate contact again. Should I send him a card? What if she intercepts it? What if he NEVER comes back? I don't think he would jeopardize what he has to go back to me. I left him too many times and maybe this last time was the last time. Sorry I am babbling...please let us know what you decide to do next and if he responds back. I'm pulling for you all the way!!!

May 23, 2005
3:43 pm
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chickyfighter
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Thanks to all for the responses. I have to tell you that my email to MM was maybe too simple, "hi, I hope you are well, just wanted you to know that since I had not thanked you for the encouragement you gave me through school, that I indeed graduted and you had alot to do w/that, thanks much!" I did not want to make him feel like he had to write back, and guess what, HE DID NOT!!! I am sorry Pathfinder, but sometimes things do not work out the way we fantasize. I am not broken up about it, I am fine w/that, ok maybe a little bitter but am glad I did not pour out my heart to him. I do think though that maybe you should contact your guy, tell us more about it. I did try and although it did not work out for me, it's OK maybe you need to try send him a crad, r email, whatever you feel more at peace doing. Email is quicker, but more impersonal, but it's up to you. Let us know how you did, k?
Take care guys!

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