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Should I contact my ex?
May 13, 2007
2:48 pm
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tmv1109
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Hello,
My brain is telling me one thing, but my heart is telling me another. My ex of 10 years (off and on, yet we still remained what I would call, best friends), broke up with me on Valentines Day. Why? Who really knows...we have trust issues because one, he was seeing someone behind my back for 8 years that I found out about 2 years ago (this girl married about 6 months ago), has bad mouthed me behind my back to his family and friends, for what reason, I don't know (his one friend because his friend liked me and my ex wouldn't have that)....he told me he wanted to get married and have children when I was living in Texas, and I came back to NY to be with him so we could start our life together...yet, 2 weeks before the big move, he told me he didn't think we should be moving in together.....I told him a couple months prior that I had come into contact with herpes from a very bad boyfriend (literally, abusive) but that I had no outbreaks....he told me it was OK, not to worry, he loved me, etc....big relief and my heart was so full.....he said he went to the doctor to get checked out, and that he too had come into contact with me....he blamed me of course, not nasty at first, but now, to this day, he is very nasty to me and always trowing that in my face...the problem, is I don't understand how he could have got it from me, if he even has it....the only time we were not protected was two years ago, and, not to be too graphic, but it was literally half in and out, then the condom went on....we have ALWAYS, in the 10 years I have known him, except for that brief second 2 years ago, have ALWAYS been protected......he told me, however, that he has had unprotected sex with women in the past....so, my point is, could it be possible that he came into contact with it from someone else too?...he says he will never forgive me for giving him that....but part of me says of course it could have been me....the other part says, I don't know....anything is possible......the thing is....he really doesn't have much on me and I think he is trying to take the heat off of himself.....he Instant Messaged me 2 weeks ago and wanted to get closure (which was strange because he was the one who broke up with me on Valentines Day -which could be because I had found him looking at teenage porn sites on his computer and I told him...he has always been the type whenever I tell him I am not happy about something....he breaks up with me...almost as if to beat me to the punch-which is strange because when I love someone and am committed to them, I don't walk away from them....I love them and I guess I have always believed love can conquer all)
I'm sorry, like I was saying...he wanted closure, we IM'd for 3 hours.....at first he was nasty, questioning me if I had loyal to him (which he knows I have)......so I attempted to answer each and every question.....he would jump on me every time I told him...as if I was lying...(which is the norm for him).....then he seemed to soften up a little....then nasty again.....he was, and always has been consumed with me (feeling bad for what I did), what ever that may be........

This man has been such a big part of my life....I feel empty without him, and there is always this little glimmer deep inside me that maybe we can work this out.....he was the first person in my life 10 years ago that thought I was a good person (not the bad one my parents said I was) and told me I was normal.....we seemed to be on the same wavelength.....and always laughed....noone could make me laugh, deep in my stomach, like he could.....I was always so proud of him...and respected him....yet he hates me....or so he acts it....and I don't know why.....I have never, ever done anything to make him not think good of me.....to love me.....I have always been there for him and have always forgived him....without even trying.....when I found out he had lied and cheated on me for 8 years.....that, I had a hard time getting over, still am not, because I have felt I wasn't good enough for him...that she was better, more personality, prettier, more money, better family......yet he denied all of this and when I asked for him to help me get through this, he wouldn't....he said he had been in therapy for years dealing with what he had done...and he was over it and now it was my issues, not his and that maybe I should go talk to my counselor since her opinion meant so much to me..(this counselor is the same one he was seeing for 3 years, yet he stopped going to see her when he found out I was going to see her....he had initally given her a waiver and told her she could tell me everything they had talked about, but then took it back once he found out I was seeing her and he didn't know about it...he said all she is going to do is tell me what I want to hear, which is all she did for him and it was nothing but a waste of money for him.....although when he was seeing her....everything she said was right and there was no other answer except for the one she gave.....he forgot my birthday this year, which is only 10 before his, and we have never spent a holiday together except for when I was in TX.....the first 8 years are obvious because he was with Julie.....

The thing is.....I hurt so much and feel dead inside.....I have started Wellbutrin, which has helped, but I still hurt so much.....when he IM'd me two weeks ago....he said what he had too and then suddenly had to go.....I emailed the next day to see if he wanted to finish and he said he would try to down load Yahoo IM tomarrow, because he didn't have AOL IM and he was able to use it the night before because he got 3-5 hours for free and he thinks he had used 3 already....the next day I waited for 4 hours to recieve something from him....and then emailed and told him I waited for as long as I could and then had to go to work....he emailed back and said he could have emailed and told me today wasn't a good day to email back and forth, he has been busy running errands and doing yard work, sorry, why arent' we doing this by phone?....I emailed back and told him hearing his voice would be too hard for me and I think it is safer to email.....I never recieved a response back and two days later I emailed him asking if he didn't want to be with me once he found out about me "medical contion"(which is how he refers to it) then why didn't he tell me before I moved 1300 miles to be with him.....still, no answer and it has been two weeks.......

I don't understand....how could someone who means everything to me, knows everything about me, and has been with me for 10 years....just dispose of me? I don't understand....everyday I log on thinking there is going to be something from him, and nothing.....why would he hurt the one person who loves him so deeply and treat them so poorly? I want to email him, so we can get some closure......I really want him to feel safe, (which he always thinks I am a threat to him and is very defensive and attacking) and to just talk to me and tell me the truth and that at this point, there is nothing to lose......I thought about emailing him again, but part of me feels foolish and part of me wants get through this so I can love me instead of needing him to love me.....but I still need him so much and I HATE living here without him......I left this area for a reason and the reason I came back was for him.......what can I do?????

May 13, 2007
5:07 pm
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depressed teen
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tmv wow....your story is explosive.

i have love for you darling.

your in a similar predicument to one i was once in.

i was seein someone b4 my current relationship and this person i was seein was so lovely. i fell in love with him instantly. it was what felt like love at first sight. and when i think of him up onto today i can remember almost everything we did together. All the good things and all the bad situations that happened in between.

he was really nice to me.. he told me all his problems ...t5hat he came out of the closet as a homersexual because he was malested by a family friend and he would tell me some of the most upsetting things that had happened to him.

and then after a while things started going really bad. and i didn't know what it was. he told me that i knew to much . he'd call me names like you stupid whore and dirty bitch. and this really did hurt. my best friend was also dating his brother and when they split up my ex blamed it all on me. and me being foolish allowed myself to take the blame....after all the trauma i went through. and all the blame i took. he broke it off with me. i was in pieces i loved him al so veryh much and as i said up onto thid day i think of him. but i had to do something about it. my first instinct was to delete his number.then i deleted his mothers number and then because i felt bad i phoned his brother to see if he was ok ... i heard him down the phone saying. put the phoned down i don't want to know. she's a fucking whore the bitch ...i burst into tears and hung up. Then when i came round i deleted his brothers number. and i made it so i didn't have no record of him no contact information at all. now its all over and i moved on with my life. i do still think of him. but there's nothing i can do. and im happy living like this.

i think you should do the same.

depressed teen

May 13, 2007
5:52 pm
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fantas
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tmv... I am so sorry for the state that you are in right now. Since your thread is a question, I will honestly say that yoy shouldn't contact him at all. It seems that you love him and care about him, but based on what yoy said, he not only doesn't love you or care for you, he never has. So you have been loved someone who didn't accept and appreciate your love for 10 years and you deserve so much better. It's obvious that you are a caring, loving, and loyal person and you should let him go. There is a thread here titled 'letting him go' that is really nice. Have you ever gone to CoDA...I think you'd find comfort among those in the meetings. What is your counsellor saying about your relationship with your ex... Keep coming back and sharing.

May 14, 2007
12:48 pm
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tmv1109
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Hi guys,
Thank you for taking the time to talk with me....I'm sorry I didn't email sooner, but since all of this, I drown myself in work (80-100hrs a week), so by the time I got home this AM, I had two hours to sleep, 45 mins to shower and "wake up" (which is what I am doing here) before I go back to do another 20 hr shift.....keeping busy keeps my mind off of things....when I sit home, and am lonely with nothing to do, and really no one to call, I think of him and why am I here with out him? How could this have possibly happened??? He was so in love with me 2 years ago and wanted to spend his life with me.....now he hates everything about me.....I don't understand it....I am good and loving and loyal......why can't I get the same in return?????

My counselor tells me he has issues, (she initally said that it was depression, anxiety issues plus OCD (hording) ), but now says, after spending time with me and talking with me for a few months, that she is angry because she feels he has taken advantage of her time because he was not honest with her.....she said she feels he put on an act....and the only reason he contacted her again (not too long ago) was to try and protect his reputation with her.....she says I had to know that this is what the outcome would be.....but I honestly didn't....I remained hopeful...I mean, I am not stupid...and I spent alot of money to come here to be with him....the same place I left, that I hated so much, I now am back too.....the thing that hurts so, so much is that I knew coming back here would be giving alot of things up (dreams of mine), but with him, it was all worth it.....but right from the start, I should have stuck to my guns....but if he thought I had the upper hand and wasn't coming back to him he would start crying saying "I'm just afraid I won't ever see you again".....and the first two times, I feel for it....and that was the last time he did that.....How could he NOT love me? I just DO NOT understand????? I've given everything I have to him, and yet, he thinks "so what? just because YOU did that, big deal! Anybody can do those things!" (this is a very common answer to alot of things I would do for him, cleaning, washing, making dinner, etc.) He would get angry with me, initially, because I didn't do his "paperwork" (he has his own business, yet, can not, nor has he ever, been able to be organized, pay his bills, deposit his pay checks, etc.), and yet what I did was nothing, anyone can do those things, it was the paperwork that was most important....told him the only time he mentioned me doing his paperwork was when I was in TX and he mentioned twice, maybe when you come home you can help me with my paperwork, and I told him I hadn't heard anything since, and he got mad saying I obviously didn't want to do it because IF I did, I would have offered. Told him I didn't think much about it and figured he didn't want me too because he is "private" about his financial comings......anyways, that is just one example....how could he hate me??? I just don't understand how you could be involved with someone for so long, whether it was off or on, and not care for them......I honestly, don't know what it is like for someone to love me.....I really don't....I don't know what it is like to have someone so excited to see me, and most importantly, want to take care of me.....I'm not mushy, and need romance, but I do need stability.....and the comfort of knowing someone does love me and will be there for me at the end of the day.....and isn't going to up and leave once he thinks he has found something better.....I really thought after all this time, he had really grown up, and realized (what I knew in my heart to be true) that we were meant to be together because we were so close and enjoyed each other so much......the only time I thought it was OK that we weren't together was when I met my ex, the cowboy, who turned out to be my worse nightmare, although, honestly, this ex of 10 years is turning out to be running close to him......

Why would he email me....wanting closure, get what he wanted out (which I think was a bunch of BS, because he asked me the exact same questions that he has always asked.....I think he was more concerned what my "Proof" was that I felt he was seeing someone on the side before he easily desposed of me, and telling me that I have only, and now, only have, hunches, but no actual proof...sickening isn't it???? I think about that and he is telling me, unless I have some hard proof to show him, he isn't going to tell me the truth....kind of like his teenage porno....lies and denies for hours until finally he says, "Yeah, OK! So what! You think I'm the only guy in America that looks at that? Come on, you can't really think that....asked if I thought my brothers looked at that stuff, told him no, and he said "Come on, you don't really believe that!", told him yes, I do believe that because I grew up with them and know what they are made of, and looking at teens having sex would make them sick.....also told him that I didn't care what the population was doing, it was the fact that he was associating himself with that......

Anyways.....I could go on, and believe me, if you are willing to listen, I would love to talk....my couselor says my depression kicks in when I am abandoned.....and she is right, with every man I loved (there have been two, possibly three), it kicked me in the butt so bad that I thought I would never recover.....and I didn't realize it was a form of depression, I was always told to suck it up, stop feeling bad for yourself and looking for excuses and blaming everyone for your problems (which I didn't, but I was heartbroken, and this was my mothers form of a pep talk I guess).......I dont' even know what it feels like to be loved, I really don't, the only thing I have ever known, was how to give it..... I feel so dead inside without him.....he has been my self esteem I guess, and if he leaves me and hates me.....maybe I am that bad or maybe I am going crazy and doing things I don't even realize I am doing.....but then I think, no, that can't be true, I have love in my heart for everyone....I could never hurt anyone or deliberatly be mean to them and destroy them, and I know the value of a friendship, I would never throw that away.....and I would never take that person for granted.......how do I get out of this???? When will I feel whole again inside??? I mean, I literally feel dead inside......I have old messages on my answering machine, that I cannot even erase.....there are about 10 and when I am crying myself to sleep, I sometimes will play them in hopes of some comfort.....I just can't bear to erase those and never hear that voice again that I love so much......why would he email me for closure, and not let me get mine???? Why would he say he felt "responsible for messing up my life", but then do nothing to make it right, like give me some respect....and talk to me and be honest.....or give me the money it cost me to move here, like he said he would, to try to do ONE thing nice for me.....I gave up my job, my friends, the state I dreamed of living in for many, many years...I had a rough time there for a while, because of my "cowboy", but I always had this ex, as my support system when I needed someone I trusted to talk to.......how could this happen? I feel I am in the worst nightmare, and I am struggling to wake up.....It will be 3 months, well, that is today, that I have talk to him on the phone, only communication was on Easter when he sent me an email simply saying "Happy Easter", no Dear TMV, and no signiture, just "Happy Easter", a lousy 2 second email out of the entire day.....and then of course two weeks ago with the IMing, where "HE" (for no reason what so ever) needed "HIS" closure, which to me, well, I feel used once again.....it was just to F#%@ with me, and to see what "proof" I had before he would tell me the truth......Oh God.....I hurt so bad......thank god for Wellbutrin....at least I can go to work......

May 14, 2007
1:08 pm
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lovemedo
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I can relate to much of what you say. Especially listening over and over to old answerphone messages. I find it brings back all the old feelings and then the feelings of loss become even greater. It's a bad space to be. You won't be able to move on until you stop listening to his voice. I wrote down all he said on his last message, then erased it. If I need to I can now read what he said and hear his voice in my head. It's not much, but it's a small step. Also, it's no good beating yourself up asking why it happened. It has happened. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong except give your whole self to this person. He didn't deserve you and you sure deserve better than this. So carry on keeping busy whilst being aware that you are only masking the feelings and they will still be there when you pause for breath. Take time for yourself. Do things which you enjoy doing, small things to take your mind off him and always remember that you are special. ((((HUG))))

May 17, 2007
9:20 pm
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Hi lovemedo,
thank you for your advice....it's very good, the problem, is I don't enjoy anything without him.....I don't want to go anywhere but to work, because I am afraid he is going to see me and say, Oh Thank God, I am not with her....I really don't enjoy anything here......I am a southern girl....and I am living in NY!!! The things that touch my heart aren't ava around here.....and I can't go back down south until I have my degree, so I can get a job to support myself.....I don't even bother putting on makeup or my hair, going to work in a ball cap and lipgloss.........I just feel doing my hair and makeup is just a waste of my time.....I was hoping a few days away from the computer would help, and it did...until tonight when I had sometime to myself....so I checked, and of course, no email from him......I just don't understand...he has NEVER gone this long without talking to me or attempting.....how could he hate me so much when I didn't do anything but love him.....why? How could he just bring me back here and then drop me on my face? And leave me stranded? I just do not understand why this has happened.....why???? Why is this happening???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

May 17, 2007
9:37 pm
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Hevens I can hear my daughter! I bet your a great person, very up beat when thing are good, smart, beautiful,wonderful and more. I have wish I had a magic wan so I could just "p-o-o-f" that person right out of both of your heads.

You ask WHY?????????????? Because he is a JERK! You are OK, your goodness is your only flaw! Don't stop being good just give it to someone who deserves it and can appreciate it!

May 17, 2007
9:55 pm
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tmv1109
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Hey green eyes,
I wish you had magic too, I would do anything to stop hurting.....I feel so lost....I can't stand it and the only way out I know is to suffocate myself with work and keep working to the point where I can't even keep my eyes open........How could someone be so cruel and use someone so good for so long??????? How and why???? Sometimes I think he wanted to try and be better and that is why he said he wanted to get married, even though he probably never really wanted it.....probably because he found out Julie was engaged....although he was seeing someone else at the time.....How can I get past this??? Do I need to up my dose of Wellbutrin? I think Coda meetings would be good, although I asked if a divorce/seperation class was ava and my counsleor said not any more due to finacial cut backs........Why is he so secretive? I'm thinking back to when he was seeing "Dawn", when I was with "Chris" and when we got back togehter he said he had to use different screen names on the computer so she wouldn't know he was online and try to contact him.......he had 4 different email address's that I know of....of course he would NEVER in a million years let me know the passwords to those emails because "It was none of my business" and "I didn't deserve to know and I should be able to trust him since he is doing nothing and has changed his cheating ways"........I think at times, that he has a dark side, a sexual addiction (which "our" counselor believes to be true), and he has run for the hills because I have tapped on it.(confronting him about the teenage porn...he is 35....creepy and it pisses me off....excuse me....)

At moments like this, I get so angry and I want so BADLY for him to be exposed for the creep and liar he is.....I wish all his friends and family, and all the women who carrying tourches for him (there are at least two that I know of..) could really know who he is and that I am NOT the awful, terrible women he has made me out to be.......I wish they knew how good I was.....and that he is not as wonderful and he shows them......he acts so innocent around them....the funny guy....so sweet and giving, always caring for his obese mom....he is such a victim having to put up with tmv, who puts him through hell........It makes me so ANGRY that he could portray me as someone who is so far from the person I am.......I hate him and I really wish something really bad would happen to him.....because he deserves it, not me.........I'm sure this hatred feeling will disappear again in about 15 mins.......doesn't come around very often....but when it does, it is short lived.......

How can I stop loving him? I wish I knew all the secrets he hides so then I could know the person I loved so much, never really exicted.........

I wish I could win the Lotto, then I could make all my dreams come true and leave him in the dust.........Oh God, that would be a life saver.....not even a big lotto...just $50,000 or so.....enough to by a home and go to schoold full time for two years....and of course....I would be buying my home in Northern TX or Oklahoma.......Oh God, my heart smiles wide open when I can imagine that.......

May 18, 2007
3:19 pm
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nappy
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My question is:

How can a person that is hurting you so bad, be your friend?

How can a person that is making you seem like you are crazy be your friend?

How can a person that has cheated on you be your friend?

You ask the question "How can I stop loving him?" Well if you read what you have written, you will find many answers in your own words.
Just read it very slowly so that you can actually hear yourself.
Sometimes the answers can be right in your face.
Nappy

May 18, 2007
3:58 pm
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Sometimes we want to hear them admit their wrong and apologize. Basically we want them acknowlege that we were right. Well do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? They never ever admit everything and apologize from the heart. If they ever say sorry it's simply to get us off their back. You need to get a life, sorry but it's true. If you find yourself obsessing all the time talk to your doctor. Wellbutrin isn't a good antidepressant in my opinion. Everyone I know that has taken it felt it really didn't do the job. Lexapro, good and works fast. Cymbalta is one I would like to try if I ever get depressed again because it deals with the physical side. Maybe a med to stop the obsession complusion stuff you are dealing with. Mainly though you need to get some hobbies and try to connect with some people on a friend level. Stay out of relationships until you work through you issues that got you in the place that you are currently in. We MUST look at our part in the unhealthy relationship. We allowed this man or we've allowed many men to treat us badly. We put up with things no woman should. We put their happiness above our own. We were people pleasers. We are codependent. We do need help. We do recover! It takes effort and honestly though. Counseling is a start but it will only take you halfway, you need support to really complete the journey that is recovery. CODA is FREE. Reading books and really applying what we learn can be helpful but there is no substitute for face to face support. There is a 12 step support for loved ones of cheaters and love addicts. Do a search. Anyways we have to grieve over our loss, even though in reality we aren't losing anything by getting out of a unhealthy relationship. We are gaining our dignity back! Good luck

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